Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
B
blinded Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
We went to the C today. I let my W do most of the talking, and I only interjected perhaps two or three times to clarify my understanding. The thing that really stood out for me was that she asked the C several times whether in her experience, she ever saw couples where one of the spouses loses emotion to gain it back. I guess what the C said wasn't really what mattered rather it was her posing this question several times that got to me. Don't know what it means, but I'm hoping that doubt is starting to build up in her head. When we left I thanked her for coming knowing that she did something that she did not want to do, and told her that I don't want to talk about anything that was said as we rode back to the house. She then left the house to go have a cup of coffee with her best friend and came


M 38 W 38
D 7
M 10
T 20
Bomb drop 2/10
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
B
blinded Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
** back home after about an hour. I guess she wanted to process... I'm sticking to the rules, praying to God, and hoping for the first me in a long time... Thank you guys for posting to is thread. I may not know you directly but I appreciate u more than you guys can ever know...


M 38 W 38
D 7
M 10
T 20
Bomb drop 2/10
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
B
blinded Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Seems I was too quick to open a glimpse of hope. The C told me that my W seems closed completely, with great anger and a tenacity on the road she has chosen. The only thing that she suggested to us was to have a talk where one listens and one talks, without interruptions. Then go silent for some time, and if both of us feel that there is a glimmer of hope, then we can work on reigniting the glimmer. Otherwise, we should think about trial separation.

I've also talked to a L today. She told me that in her experience, when things reach a L, they seldom stop. However, she was talking about couples who have become ready to go see L. I only went because I wanted to know my rights about my contact with my D.

Anyway, I'm starting to make peace with my decisions. I want to work on my M, but I feel that right now at least, there is no hope for it to restart... I also feel that perhaps I should cut my losses and leave now. However, I'm not going to do that just yet. I will give it some more time, living Sandi's rules, and if something changes then I may become a bit hopeful again.

It's sad to try to feel nothing on one hand, and still try to get back with the W on the other. It feels so weird and cold...


M 38 W 38
D 7
M 10
T 20
Bomb drop 2/10
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
I read in another thread that lawyers are motivated by repeat business so your best interests are not their best interests. Of course, you have to see one but it was an interesting thought nonetheless.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
B
blinded Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Thanks Barrybran,
I know that they do want their business to flourish, but the one I saw is considered one of the top Ls in family law in my country. And she is really old so she knows the stuff. We'll see how this sitch will eventually turn out.

Still waiting on the book to come, and I really want to read it... Hopefully I'll get to understand more about her motivations and how to handle various things as they arise.

For now, I am in DETACH mode. I've told myself that the only way to find my sanity is to not care what she does or where she goes, but I am still a man and I get jealous dammit... I don't know how other people are handling the jealousy thing...

I also know that she has a couple of enablers where she works, particularly a younger lady I think. But I can't put anything in place, and I really don't want to look for anything at all. All I will get is more heartache, and I've got way too much of that to add to it.

And in all honesty I believe that the best thing for me to do now is to just distance myself from her. The C told me that she has a lot of issues that she needs to deal with, but no one can tell her to go see a IC now, not in this state. Hopefully she will start opening up soon, so that things can start moving forward. At least that's my wish.

I am really struggling with all the decisions that will need to be taken, but more so knowing that I may only be seeing my daughter a couple of afternoons a week and every other weekend. This is what I hate the most. This is the thought that gives me grief more than anything.


M 38 W 38
D 7
M 10
T 20
Bomb drop 2/10
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Blinded,

I wouldn't lose hope. I think you feel that each and every day will make or break you- it will take MUCH longer than you think you may be able to stand. If you are resolute, you will hang in much longer than you think you are capable today. Know going in that this may take two years to turn around. Get used to that idea. You will not be happily married again in two months, won't happen.

Your wife asked the C if feelings could return. Not sure what the response was from the C, but I can tell you absolutely "YES!", they can. My wife asked the same question. My wife, too, told me that she had been unhappy for years (I think close to 10 if memory serves). Wow, what a gut punch! I had no idea. Like yours, my wife didn't think she'd ever feel "in love" with me again, and wasn't attracted to me. Know that women (a lot of men too) base their attraction for you on their feelings about you- so don't take it that you are ugly, just that she doesn't like you very much right now.

In my case, my wife was in an EA and spoke to the OM daily on the phone, getting all of her emotional needs met. She found him attractive, therefore, I was not. Most women cannot have two men occupy their hearts at once. Is your wife involved with anyone else at this time? If she is, she will never get feelings back for you while she is still speaking to the OM.

You're a fixer? I'm smiling right now, because everyone on here is too! smile Good news for you- there's plenty of "fixes" you can occupy yourself with. As others have stated, start living like a great husband and father. Don't expect results, though. Those come later. Your wife won't believe any of your changes yet. She's not going to look at years of poor behavior and believe that you've reversed all of it in a few months. Stay steady.

On detachment, don't think it means ignoring your wife. Don't pursue her, crying and begging and trying to win her back. Just BE the man she needs. Let her see, first hand, what shed be giving up if you left. That's the best way to fight for your W, by becoming a better man.

Just so you know, I fought for my M for two very long years. I made tons of mistakes. There were days I sat in my car praying that my wife would have a moment of clarity and return. Some days I thought I had nothing left in me to fight with. I found I could endure much more than I ever gave myself credit for. I won my W and marriage back. My wife is "in love" with me again (whatever that term means to her). She's attracted to me again, and no longer remembers our marriage as unhappy, but as very happy, despite her huge "mistake". As for me, well, I'm never going back to that person that I was that allowed this to happen to my M. I know what complacency can do, and I avoid it like the disease that it is.

Good luck
HS

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 1,593
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 1,593
What a great post and some inspiration from HS.

I think we all think, at the beginning, that our sitch is different, and our M will be restored right away. Most of the people here who did end up R with their spouses have VERY long timelines; usually years, not weeks or months.

Why do you think you will only end up seeing your D every other weekend? I don't know where you live, what are the custody laws there? I know that here, the courts like to see the kids spending as much time with goths parents as possible - unless the parent is not fit for some reason, every other weekend wouldn't be nearly enough.

Try not to worry about things that aren't happening yet, and that you don't even know will happen. Trust me, I did it and just made it worse on myself.

You are sooooo new to this; right now you just need to keep your head above water. Put one foot in front of the other, take care of yourself, and follow Sandi's rules!


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
B
blinded Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
HS THANK YOU! I started feeling that this is the end. I know that I am extremely new to this sitch, but this is no comfort. I know that it will take time, and I honestly pray to God to endure. However, she gave me a "sort-of" ultimatum of seeing how things will be until the summer. I can't imagine that when summer comes she may ask me for a D.

But I really needed to hear this from someone. I've tried to read the inspiring stories here, but somehow I felt that my sitch is not the same. I don't know what your sitch was, and I think (hope?) that my wife is not in an EA or PA. She seems to want to leave ALL men behind to live her life free. I think she believes that when she is left alone, free from the marriage, she will be released from all the problems that she keeps pent up inside her. At least this is what the C's "diagnosis" was. She believes that she will be freed. Freed from what however? I think she can't even answer that question. In any case, it seems that our marriage has become her demon, and she's trying to get away from this demon...

HS you say two long years... I can imagine every single emotion through those two hellish years... And I pray to God that he will not let me quit... Getting a D is so easy, fighting is so hard... And everyone I talk about this keeps telling me "Why are you doing this to yourself?" As if I am the one with the weirdness... Trying to keep my family together!?!

Melissag thank you as well. I will try not to worry about the future too much, however, this is what I do. I plan. Planning is my second nature. I like to have plans and dreams and hopes about everything. I guess I am an extremely sensitive person, and right now I need to find the "inability" to feel anything. As the L said today, the normal sitch is 2 afternoons every week and 2 weekends per month. I asked if it's possible to ask for more time, and she said that we will ask for as much as possible, but the judges want the child to have "one home" and a "father's residence", to feel grounded. BS if you ask me.

Thank you HS and Melissag, you have given me a little bit more brightness in a VERY angry day... Thank you from my heart.


M 38 W 38
D 7
M 10
T 20
Bomb drop 2/10
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Blinded,

Now that you have seen a L, you know what you'd be facing in a D. Stay away from the L now unless things change drastically. You do not want your wife to know that you consulted with one.

Your wife is getting close to 40. I'm not sure why, but this seems to be an age where trouble comes very frequently (look at the ages listed on other people's posts). My wife was almost 40 as well when our troubles started. It may not be an EA or PA in your case, but keep your eyes open. An A is a different situation in how you'd approach it.

Do you know what your wife's biggest emotional needs are? Make sure you are intentionally meeting these as often as possible. In the past you failed to meet these needs regularly, or drained her tank of positive interactions by being demanding, disrespectful, unsupportive etc.. You must 180 this and start meeting her needs and stop emptying those deposits with old, bad, habits!

One last point. I would avoid talking to friends and relatives about your sitch. While they mean well, and care about you, there advice is usually targeted at getting you out of a bad situation and not typically geared toward saving your M. Additionally, it may become uncomfortable for you or your W to face those people if you recover your M.

One day at a time!
HS

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: blinded
The only thing that she suggested to us was to have a talk where one listens and one talks, without interruptions. Then go silent for some time, and if both of us feel that there is a glimmer of hope, then we can work on reigniting the glimmer.


It's way too soon to expect any glimmers of hope. Your MC is setting up unrealistic expectations. Regarding the listening, by all means, listen to your W. Have you read DR? That's a central concept to DR- become the best listener ever. Don't beg/ plead/ negotiate/ agree/ disagree/ etc. Just listen and validate. But it doesn't go both ways, DO NOT share your feelings with her because right now she doesn't care.

Quote:
Otherwise, we should think about trial separation.


There's no "we", that is strictly your W's decision. DO NOT HELP HER in that decision.

Quote:
She told me that in her experience, when things reach a L, they seldom stop.


Leave the legal issues to lawyers and the marriage issues to a DB coach.

Quote:
I want to work on my M, but I feel that right now at least, there is no hope for it to restart... I also feel that perhaps I should cut my losses and leave now.


I've got to say, I checked your "registered" date not once, not twice but three times because I thought for sure I must be reading it wrong. You are two weeks since BD. TWO WEEKS. No, you're not ready to make a decision like that. You're going to cycle through emotions for months yet. I don't think any LBS is prepared to make a decision like that until a year after BD, there's just a heck of a lot of growing needed first.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard