I feel your pain - its so very hard to let go of the urge to force your spouse to see what you see, to get them to change their mind, not to beg or plead with them to try & work on the marriage... It does take time and some practise but the more you can detach the better as I realised quite quickly that the more I tried to make my H see the more it pushed him away.
I'm currently doing a 12 step program to help me focus on myself and also get my head around whats happened in the past few months - its really helped. Also a book called "codependant no more - melodie beatie" is really good too.
Good luck, keep taking small steps forwards & be kind to yourself.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Blinded, I know its easy to loose hope and to loose sight of a good outcome. Just November my W was saying she didn't want anything to do with me or even talk to me unless it was about our S. Emotions run high during these times and much worse in the beginning. Just last week though we are already able to talk and even laugh together. We aren't back together and I don't think we are close but that is miles from never wanting to see me again. Get DR, read it and give it a try, but keep it private (just for you). Keep posting here and getting the support you need. I think less contact was a necessary step for me for some time and may be for you. Consider it time to get yourself together. I'll keep hoping for you...we all will.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Blinded, I know its easy to loose hope and to loose sight of a good outcome. Just November my W was saying she didn't want anything to do with me or even talk to me unless it was about our S.
Bunches thank you. She reiterated tonight that she believes that all hope is lost so there is no need to try. We will just live together in the same house until the end of the school year, and then we will see how things will turn out. However, she said, her mind is fixed on splitting.
I pray to God that something will change and that we will manage to go through the summer together as well, and then who knows... But I am so lacking in strength and courage... I have decided that I will do what I can for myself, and that the rest is the will of God. I have never been a religious person, but at this time when everything is in His hands, I decided to listen to my heart, and open it to His Grace.
I will keep posting on how things go, and thanks for all the support. You guys are keeping me alive here.
Your job now is to plant the seed of doubt that maybe leaving isn't what she wants to do. You have six months to work with which is pretty substantial to make and have changes noticed. Sure, you won't be out of the woods then but you could be well on your way to reconciling.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barry is right, you have several months to show her that she would be a fool to leave you. So get to work on your 180s and your GAL. And make sure you read Sandi's rules every day until you have committed them to memory. (And then once in a while to refresh.)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Going through it too. I have found God to be a great help in this difficult time and here is my prayer...
Father, We ask that you would knit our hearts closely together and allow nothing else to come between us.
Lord we ask that we both take personal inventory, repent and seek forgiveness for any wrong doing.
We pray that we extend love and patience to one another and that the lines of communication, sensitivity as well as understanding are once again opened.
We ask that You will allow all the pain, hurt, suffering and disappointment to begin to subside.
Lord we ask that forgiveness is welcomed by each of us.
Lord we ask that You would allow your joy to flow once again from heart to heart between us.
Father, we ask that You direct us as we seek You first in building trust, transparency and both physical and emotional intimacy. Father we pray for peace over our household.
Lord we thank you for being who You are and we realize that All the power, All the honor and All the glory belongs to You now and forever, and for this we give you the praise.
In the name of Jesus. Amen
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Your job now is to plant the seed of doubt that maybe leaving isn't what she wants to do. You have six months to work with which is pretty substantial to make and have changes noticed. Sure, you won't be out of the woods then but you could be well on your way to reconciling.
Barrybran this is what I want to do. She told me she has noticed changes, but she said that no matter what happens these are not the reason to stay. The only way she will be convinced to stay is if her emotions towards me change. And she made it abundantly clear that she believes that there is no way for that to happen. In other words, she does not want to try to change her emotions.
I am not going to give up the fight of course, I'm going to keep fighting this until a divorce is finalized or until we find a way to get back together.
Originally Posted By: melissag
You are not lacking in strength and courage.
You can do this.
Barry is right, you have several months to show her that she would be a fool to leave you. So get to work on your 180s and your GAL. And make sure you read Sandi's rules every day until you have committed them to memory. (And then once in a while to refresh.)
Melissag thank you. Sometimes it's good to hear from someone that you have strength. At times it feels hopeless, and then I look at my wife and child and believe that if this becomes a M again, a loving R, then this is the only happiness in life that I want.
And Cnfused, thank you for the prayer. I actually shed a few tears reading it, because this is exactly what I want to say. Your words in that prayer are inspired. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Thank you guys. Once more you gave me the strength to go at it one more day, one more time, hopefully for as long as I need to.
Your job now is to plant the seed of doubt that maybe leaving isn't what she wants to do. You have six months to work with which is pretty substantial to make and have changes noticed. Sure, you won't be out of the woods then but you could be well on your way to reconciling.
Barrybran this is what I want to do. She told me she has noticed changes, but she said that no matter what happens these are not the reason to stay. The only way she will be convinced to stay is if her emotions towards me change. And she made it abundantly clear that she believes that there is no way for that to happen. In other words, she does not want to try to change her emotions.
I am not going to give up the fight of course, I'm going to keep fighting this until a divorce is finalized or until we find a way to get back together.
Sounds like my wife about six weeks ago. You know what? Since then, she hasn't mentioned leaving, hasn't mentioned being "done" and she's talked about buying a car, my brother's wedding next year and the prospect of buying a house together one day. As the rules say, believe nothing you hear, but hearing your wife talk about a future event with you in it is more promising than talking about future events without you in it.
The parts I have highlighted have been heard by many a LBS. You'll hear them a few more times yet but don't be discouraged. Stick to the rules, keep the changes up and she'll stop saying things like this. When she does, it's progress. Not a resolution, just progress. Your goal right now is not to reconcile, it's to notice the first positive change in your wife's behaviour towards you. As cliched as you'll discover, it's baby steps. Plant that seed of doubt.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
