"" I am and have let him go in love. I am living my life without him and without the expectation of him wanting so come back to us. My life has not stopped and I am being the support to my kids with the best I can - I am continuously - daily- hourly - trying to be the best support and mother I can to them. With love. It's all out of love. ""
Sounds like you are doing great. Not perfect all the time but great.
Isnt it amazing how blessed we are. Isn't it wonderful to live knowing how blessed we are
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I appreciate you all coming by and your words of support. I realise I need to continue being me, focus on my life and the kids. I see how impatience could break all I have built for myself and the kids over the years and go against the very reason I have continued to stand.
It's very very very nice with H around. I cannot deny that. He makes more effort as well. So much more engaged.
I also can't deny that I miss him. However I have my life to tend to. So today I got my hair done -,knowing h was with the kids. I am going out with the girls tonight and h is at a bday party with the kids right now. Before they left we all were together chatting, laughing. Touch wood. Thank God. No matter what I am blessed.
So we will see what happens.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, you are doing great! I know the feelings when you say that you would rather not have him come to visit if he is not coming back for good. I think this all the time. It gets better for me when H is away and there is no contact. Then he shows up and all the feelings are stirred up again. I can always tell him not to come anymore. It is easier in my case, because we don’t have little kids. I think my son has some contact with H, but he doesn’t tell me. I don’t know if it is for the better or not.
Keep doing what you are doing. I’m glad you are having these moments of happiness with H around. I have so much hope that something even better will develop from this.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you Bright for your post :-) I have hope too coupled with very little expectations...
Well since my last post a lot has happened. My sister called saying my mom was in the hospital diagnosed with early stages of lung cancer. I left the next day to come stay with her for awhile. The doctors seem positive that it has been caught early and she has already started chemo. God willing she beats it. She is in good spirits overall.
So I will stay here probably for another week for now. Haven really planned it. Left work and we still have 6 weeks left before we break for summer.
H has been supportive - told me to stay as long as I want. I don't know how or why but we had some intense conversation in the past 36 hours. Started off bad bad bad-- bad timing- bad approach- bad attitude. I was exhausted, stressed with news of mum, mad at him for everything. Being a selfish pr1ck etc. so while in the greater scheme of things it wasn't a complete blow up of a convo - I said to him I want him to leave and not come back and he said no and I said he is sitting on the fence he won't come and he won't go. He ended up saying he is not interested in me ( ouch) and I called him on it - why come around why ask about me ? Etc. anyway - we finally agreed this was not a productive convo and agreed to speak the next day.
The next day convo was much more productive. I learned that he knows he handled things very badly. That he felt at the time he reached his breaking point. That he knows he did not do everything possible to help our M. He also has heard me. He knows that I have changed a lot. He says I speak well and eloquently. I thanked him. He said he knows he has to do a lot more for the kids and to be more present in their lives. We talked briefly about possibly moving in together as a unit in a year or so. The idea of husband and wife still not really an option I guess ( I didn't bring that up. We were talking about th kids and he brought up the husband and wife part... He mumbled it- I couldn't even paraphrase it - it was kind of confusing).
He told me that it bugs him when I try and find solutions (' you Always do that busting'). I found that very useful information.
I know OW is not completely out yet she is not as important as she once was. He told me he is here for me emotionally and mentally and even when he is being a jerk making selfish decisions he is here for me emotionally and mentally.
I also told him that I appreciated him telling me all of this. I told him I understood. I said I could see from my point of view a lot of confusion - that I can tell he shows his disinterest in me by making sure he doesn't initiate conversation or ask about my life - but then he does whn he comes to visit but will also make a point of being busy every single night with his friends while visiting so no chance to visit with me after the kids sleep. But then he says things like ' we'll get together with so and so and BBQ' .
Anyway- it's confusing. And I feel disheartened at times and ok at times.
Is ironic. He is planning the weeknd with my friends and I am not there. Something I have wanted for so long- a normal weekend with friends, H etc. but even if I were there now it probably wouldn't be normal because h would avoid us because of me.
We had a conversation about the summer- I have a work training course and. I was going to leave the kids with my mom- not possible now- so I told him I need him to be with them while at my moms and he said 'yeah maybe I will take them to Germany' and I said no. What crap are you saying? What point are you trying to make? The kids need to visit with their grandma. Yes or no are you going to be there? He finally said yes of course. I said why are you so complicated why is it so difficult for you to have a normal conversation? Ugh I was mad. It doesn't make any sense! I am going on my trip early June and we are all going to Germany in July to visit his family. Why the hell would he say he will take the kids from my mom in early June to Germany while I am away? Just to be difficult ??
Anyway- it's resolved. I am just tired of it all.
Much love to you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Just checking in. Still here with mom. I go back home on Thursday and will return here In a couple of weeks.
It's been a process of adjusting to a new norm for my mom- it's been challenging and I think she is doing ok mentally (it's half the battle, no?)
I have decided to re- establish my boundary with H ( when I get back) about his comings and goings in the house. His R in whatever form with the Ow persists and I am not dealing with it. It was getting better. I don't know what happened over the past month. Did he get scared?
We have been having somewhat productive conversations over the phone while I have been away ... Some of it released anger on both sides - which I found healthy in a certain way- and some informative ( I told him I love him and support him but will not enable him while he makes these choices- hence no more 'family man, man of the house' while he is in contact with OW). We also spoke a little about addiction and affair love. He is also still talking about big changes in 2014/2015. It's all very confusing and has left me tired and over analysing.
A part of me wants to stay away from him and not go back ( and have my kids teleported to me here!) ... And just not go back to 'that' life in that house in that country. I have created wonderful friends and. Wonderful support networks. I just feel done being there and living that life.
Right now I know what I need to do. Am just tired of it all really. I don't know what happened to H again. I was very conscious of not pressuring him. I am so tired.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi Heather and Kate. Thank you for your posts. Thanks Kate for the words of support for my mum.
Heather I meant I need to re- establish boundaries. I need to lay it on the table. He can't play house with me and my kids with Ow in the picture.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, I wish your Mom a full recovery. The attitude is a big deal, and it is great that she is in good spirit.
As for your H, I know how frustrating it is when you see some positive steps and then there a few steps back... The OW addiction is hard to break. Let him deal with it. It is very important to keep giving him space and not pressuring him now. I think you are right to enforce the boundary though. Take a deep breath and continue to be the wonderful you – for you.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
