Bright, I'm going to say something that you may not like, but it needs to be said. Your friends may be friends to you, but they need to stop telling you things about your h. It's not helping you one bit to hear all of this stuff. They may think they are being helpful, but the gossip isn't helping. You need to find a way to let them know that you don't want to hear about your h's antics.
I know you are trying so hard to figure him out, but you can't. He's going to do what he needs to do and it won't end until he's ready for it to end. It's very important that you keep the focus on you and your job search.
Again, I think your friends mean well...but I don't see where the info on your h was of benefit to you, if anything, it discouraged you quite a bit and brought you down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel so hopeless today. Got another rejection on the job I applied for. I have an interview tomorrow and I need to prepare, but cannot find any energy or motivation. I feel like crying. I feel cornered. I don’t know what to think, what to do anymore… I want all the hurt to go away… I want it to be over, one way or another…
I don’t know what to do about my friends. I love them and we became very good friends recently. I know they would do anything for me. Sometimes I feel like they are my friends no matter what… Sometimes I think that this friendship is just holding me from moving on. I’m torn inside. I’ve been contemplating to end this friendship or at least to have less contact until I can figure it out.
Job, thanks for the advice. I agree. It is just I seems to bring it on myself. At one point I was offended that my friends would not tell me things, because I would find out about the same things from other sources anyway. And it would be worse than if my friends would tell me. My family and other GFs keep telling me to stop going to the vacation place all together. Maybe this is what I need to do. I know it will be a painful decision.
Yes, the info about H brought me down. But maybe it is for the better? Maybe I will stop having any hope or expectations. This has been going on for almost two years, and I still have feelings and still have hope. When does it end? When will the pain go away?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Just received and reply from H to my e-mail about car insurance. It only took a week for him to respond. He apologized for the late reply and said that he didn’t check his e-mail for a while. Then he says “If in the future something needs paid quick please give me a call.” What????? How long is he planning this kind of future? Am I reading it wrong?
Is he just using me? Silly me thinking that he cannot cut that last tie. Am I delusional? Is it what everybody (my family and friends) are telling me about? That he is gone gone, and just using me when it is convenient for him.
Then he gives me the reason for calling him instead of e-mail: “You know I am working towards not having a computer ( and I'm serious).” I don’t even know what to think about this one. It started a few years ago, even before his father became ill, I would say at least 4 years ago, when he started saying that he didn’t like all this electronics, and if could live without a cell phone and a computer, he would. A couple of time his laptop almost flew out of the window, when H tried to do something and “computer” didn’t cooperate. He got himself a smart phone last summer, but then switched back to a regular phone, because he was frustrated with the smart phone.
But… Is he delusional? How someone could live without a computer these days. I know he just paid his truck registration online. He orders things online. He will need to communicate about his work. What is he thinking? I could understand this when we were together, because he could always relay on me. I guess one of the requirements for his “perfect” woman is that she should have a computer. Easy, eh…
This just confirms how stubborn H is. Once he has an idea in his head, he is going to pursue it until he achieves it, gets burned or gets bored. What is it going to be for this idea of not having a computer? Or, he might be in a deeper crisis than it seems. Anyone knows any examples like that? When a person wants to disappear from the world (obviously he cannot, because he still has to work)? Well, except from his drinking buddies and fun.
At the end of the e-mail he asks if I have found work. So nice of him. At least my little validation in my e-mail didn’t scare him away.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Have you stepped back enough to think about his comment about not having a computer? Well, to me, it sounds like he's going back in time whereby we didn't have access to computer and electronics like we do today. Let's see...that would have been the 70's if I recall correctly.
Since he's made the comment about calling him in the future when something needs to be paid quickly, I would do it. He honestly doesn't have a clue how long he's going to be like this and that's why it's important to detach and not look for baby steps while he's in la la land. Accept him for who he is today and remember...he's drifting backwards, not forwards right now.
You need to detach more and get on w/your life. Your focus has been on him, his actions and his words for quite some time. You've got to let him go for a while and put the focus back on you, your life and your job search. It's time to ask someone to take a look at your resume and see if there is something missing or could be improved upon to help you find a job.
Let go, let God.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Anyone knows any examples like that? When a person wants to disappear from the world (obviously he cannot, because he still has to work)? Well, except from his drinking buddies and fun.
Bright, I think that describes just about every MLC spouse on here. Mine showed up with an Amish-looking beard a week ago. I guess I could analyze it, but what's the point? He's cuckoo right now and he prob thinks he looks amazing. I, on the other hand, almost told him how stupid he looked.
Anyway, Bright, what's holding you back from really letting him go? I still hear you focused on the minuscule craziness of HIS life. Who knows why they do what they do??? It's a mystery, otherwise we'd have the magic pill and no reason for the boards. He's finding his way in a very strange, but, apparently, necessary way for HIM.
How about you? What's your way look like?
You know, you can still love him and hope he comes back to reality someday. It's ok to honor your relationship and hope for the best. But, for RIGHT NOW, what are you going to do for you?
One thing, tell those "helpful" friends of yours to keep their lips shut when it comes to your H. They aren't doing you any favors. If I was getting updates on Smokey, I'm sure I would be in a straightjacket by now. They are doing hurtful, horrible things and we don't need updates. Shut it down Bright. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
There's a wonderful life waiting. Promise.
Lots of Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Job, this is what scares me, that he seems to be going backwards. Then I start thinking that he might have been like that all his life, a broken man who could hide his issues very well. At some point it was just too much for him to handle. I’m afraid that he is never going to be able to fix his issues and come out of it.
You are right, I’ve been analyzing him a lot recently. I was feeling anxious and broken again for the last month, just like after BD. I think I let myself to have a hope again. I was thinking that he was coming out of the fog and was waiting for some changes. But, after his comment about the computer, I realized that he is nowhere near the end of the tunnel. It actually brought me back to reality with the thinking that I don’t want this broken man in my life now.
Heather, not kidding, the Amish-looking beard… Maybe he and OW run out of the shaving supplies, LOL. It is a good question about what is holding me up from letting him go. I ask this myself all the time. I don’t know why I feel what I feel right now. I know for some reason I started missing him more. Maybe because he showed me a normal side of him and I thought that he was becoming the guy I married again. Now I see that this is not the case.
I just realized that it is natural part of my thinking to analyze things. I tried to stop doing it at some point, and I think it affected my work search. It affected my ability to present myself as an analytical and solution oriented person. Recently I’ve been going through some interviews and I started to feel more like me again. So, this in turn affected my thought process regarding H. How can I separate these two things? I will have to figure it out.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
What have been on mind recently are these d@rn drums that H said he wants to pick up and to take to his buddy’s basement in the state where he works. The drums were a gift from me for his 40th B-day. I cannot believe that he actually wants them. Then this though hit me like a brick. The reason I bought the drums for him because he was talking about wanting them before his 40th B-day. He played drums when he was a teenager. Does it mean H’s MLC started before he turned 40? The drums were actually sitting in the loft for a number of years after the initial interest warned out. And now he is interested in them again.
I cannot get this idea out of my mind to write something on these drums for him to remember that it was a gift from me. I didn’t do any engraving back then, and now I regret it. I’m thinking to put something like “From your loving wife Bright” on the back of some of them. Any ideas?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, You are desperately trying to find the timeline of when your h began his journey. Unfortunately, you won't be able to narrow it down to a certain time period. I would venture to say that he had been thinking about the drums for a while and who knows, he may have remembered how he when he was a teenager playing them. Sometimes they look for material things that made them happy as youngsters. The memories are what determine which things that they really want to take on their trips to Oz.
As for engraving something on the drums, I wouldn't do it. He already knows that they are from you and that you love him. He doesn't need any reminders of this.
Now, it's time for you to turn your focus back on to you and your job search. You need to focus more on your resume and figure out what needs to be tweaked.
It's time for Bright to live her life to the fullest and allow the man upstairs to take care of your h. Fretting about him and searching for timelines won't make his journey go any faster.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with Job, BF. Take the focus away from the whole concept of MLC. It's easy to fall for the trap of overanalyzing. Thank you for your post! Are you on the alt? If so, find me there so I can tell you about my book. Much love, and happy Easter!
When I read about his comment about computers, I had so many different scenarios to respond, LOL. Like “Let me know when I can remove your e-mail from the list (he uses a company e-mail).” Or: “Are you hiring a secretary?” Or: “Good for you. I hope you will get what you want.” I had so many different thoughts when I first read his e-mail, and very sarcastic comments, but I don’t remember now. I guess I’m not that interested anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to reply to him yet.
Job, about the thoughts about the drums… It is not that I want to remind him that they are my gift. I just thought that this way he will not be able to sell them, or if somebody asks (like OW), he would not be able to lie that these are just his drums and not a special gift from me. I don’t know why I want to do this. Probably to annoy the potential OW more than anything else. But I guess it doesn’t matter what he does with the drums. They are always going to be in his memory as a gift from me.
I’m doing a lot better these days. My Dad went back home and I and my sister managed to handle his visit without big disappointments. I’ve been doing interviews for some jobs and it has been going pretty good. I got my confidence back and am pretty optimistic about getting a job soon.
I’m also back on my path of letting go. Thanks to everyone here and especially Job for beating into my head that there is nothing I can do to speed up the process. Once in a while I have the glimpses of a feeling that I might be one of those LBSs who would not want their WAS back. These are just tiny glimpses, but they give me some prospective. During these moments I feel free and I like this feeling.
Tori, if by alt you mean Facebook, I’m not on it . How else can I find out about the book?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
. How else can I find out about the book?