That was my first X. The second one (I thought) cared about me. We were also able to talk about our disagreements. Now I realize that we both were still holding back a lot. My current H did give me more attention at first. I wanted more though. I behaved like a little girl sometimes bullying him to give me more. A few years ago he even told me that I needed to handle my emotions better, because he is not my Dad.
Actually, you might be right and this is how it normally happens. In our M we were supposed to help each other to heal our childhood traumas. Did we both fail? I definitely failed to help H. Ironically he is helping me now, after he left. I’m trying really hard to overcome this.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I'm glad to see that you are delving into your past and posting some of the issues that have been holding you down for a long time. The anger is good because it will help you get some of that pent up emotional weight off your chest. You've been carrying it around for a very long time.
You can't help someone else resolve their childhood issues until you have resolved your own. Just as travelers on an airplane require oxygen masks and you have your child sitting there on your lap. You take the oxygen mask first, breathe in the air and then put the mask on your child. You need to take care of yourself first in order to help others.
Bright, have you given any thought to speaking to a professional about your childhood issues and how to work on them? It might help you to actually sit down and talk to someone about them. The resentment and anger that you feel towards your parents has been eating you up for years and I would hate to see this affect you throughout your entire life. It's time to release it and the only way to do that is speak to someone and see what they advise you to do. In some cases, they will recommend that you confront the people who have caused you so much pain, but if your father is in ill health, it might not be wise to do so at this time.
I'm very sorry that you are having to go through this, but your h's journey just may be a God send for you. Sometimes those dark clouds really do have silver linings.
BTW, my comment about your h being in replay is only my personal opinion. Please don't take that comment as being the absolute. I could be very wrong about him.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I was thinking about the professional help. The thing is that I am not angry at my parents anymore. I identified the issues and how they affected me. They did their best raising me. I’m grateful for a lot of things they did for me. The only thing is that there was no emotional connection, but they want us to be fully engaged in their lives now. They want this connection now, but it is not there. I don’t know how to explain this. Also, it is like they are little kids and want us to take care of them. I went through a Landmark Forum where they encouraged us to complete all the issues with the parents. I tried to do that and talk to them and let them know what kind of resentments I had. They didn’t understand it. All it cased was some anger at first and then they were very offended like little kids. So, I stopped. And now, when I look at my Dad, I just cannot see myself confronting him.
My resentment is towards them trying to make me to participate in their life to the point when I have to decide everything for them. They want to live with one of us (me or my sister), so we could take them to the stores, to the doctors, to entertain them, to have family dinners every night with long conversations. They want to be completely dependent on us. At the same time, they want to tell us what to do with our lives. My Mom loves to criticize anything and everything. It feels like they want us on a short leash. It feels like they want us to dedicate the rest of our lives to them. It is just like having kids again, but with no end in sight.
For so many years when I was a kid, they pushed me aside. They never wanted to know what was going on inside of me. I learnt not to share with my Mom any of my feelings or thoughts, because all I got in response was criticism. My Dad just simply didn’t care to know about my feelings. Now they want us to share, but still reserve the right to criticize.
I made a mistake in my first M. Actually marrying the guy was a big mistake. But I didn’t have anybody who could give me an advice. My Mom never liked my first X and always criticized him, so I thought it was just the same old trend. I ignored all the red flags. Actually, I had no idea there were plenty of them.
I love my parents and I don’t mind taking care of them and helping them. I just don’t want to be on a short leash. I feel like I still cannot fully explain the whole thing. I feel like people don’t understand it.
I’ve been thinking about this silver lining a lot. I just still think that I would rather not go through this MLC thing. I started to realize my issues, working on them and making changes in myself way before the BD. I was slowly becoming more aware of the things I was doing. Maybe the changes would not be so fast and drastic, but I think I was going in the right direction. Today, I really don’t appreciate H shaking my world like this.
I didn’t take your comment about the replay stage literally. I know this is just another opinion, but I appreciate it. I actually would like to think that he is still in replay, because if he is not, it would mean that it is really over and he made his decision.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Actually what you have been describing isn't that hard to understand. Many parents are not "hands on" and then as they become seniors they are expecting their children to come forward and take care of them. May I ask if this is the general way of thinking in the area where they live? Is this the way that their parents did things w/them?
I do understand very well how you feel and yes, as they age, they do tend to become more like children and want us to be there for them. I think a lot of that is the fear of getting older and something happening to them when they are alone, but your parents sound like they are doing okay thus far. I realize your father has been under the weather. Your parents can't accept or won't accept what you've said to them because they didn't think that they had done anything wrong.
If they do end up w/you, I would suggest that you look into some adult day care activities for them and get some assistance whereby someone comes to the home and stays w/them so that you can have some time to yourself. You have enough on your plate right now w/your h traveling the world and your job search. Also, you will need to set some boundaries w/them and adhere to them.
If your marriage was over, you would have gotten some kind of sign from him. I honestly don't think he's given it any thought and is comfortable in his little space shuttle floating around earth right now. You may, at some point, have to have a conversation w/him just to see where his head is at right now...but you'll know when the time is right for that.
Trust in the man upstairs...sit quietly, the answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks. You always have a way to give some encouragement.
Yes, you are right, it is in the culture where I’m from. The kids are expected to take care of the parents. But it also depends on the particular family. My sister’s H’s father moved to this country on his own with the family and is fully supporting himself, not relaying on his son. My parents didn’t have to deal with their respective parents at all. They didn’t have to live with their parents and they didn’t have to take care of them. My Mom never wanted to live with her parents or in-laws.
I tried to get my parents to move here a few years ago, so they could get some work hours in order to get some retirement benefits and medical coverage. But they didn’t want to do it. They didn’t want to learn the language, they didn’t want to work, they didn’t want to live on their own in their own place… I cannot have them to come to live with me because I have no means to support them. They would not get any pension benefits, I would have to pay for medical coverage, for food, for everything. I would also have to pay for any kind of assistance or day care. I would also have to make all the arrangements for them in everyday life, because they don’t speak the language and they use it as an excuse all the time. Even if we split the expenses with my sister, it is a lot to handle.
They are doing OK where they live. But, they don’t give up the idea that then need to move in with one of us. I wish I could win a lottery, so I could buy them a house, hire a sitter and a personal driver to take them places like shopping, etc. Did I mention that they do not drive?
You are right, H is still floating and is probably quite comfortable with everything. It is just the fact that he keeps removing stuff from my house makes me think that he is still determined in his decision. I think the reality didn’t hit him hard enough just yet. He thinks that he could maintain this joint business, be on the joint car insurance policy, have mail coming to my house (he hasn’t not re-directed his Playboy magazine by the way) and at the same time behave like a single man. I think that if he would have an OW, he would realize quickly that this would not work. I don’t think OW would be happy with him keeping any kind of contact or joint things with me. I think this is exactly what he is looking for, a woman who would be OK with all that and still love and trust him unconditionally.
I will wait for the answers… Especially when it is a good time to have a conversation with H and put some kind of end to things. Now is not a good time for that. I just wish that there are no more surprises (like on that weekend in Mexico) any time soon. I’m exhausted. I need to regroup.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Some updates… I’ve been trying to get my emotions under control. Putting all my efforts into the job search. Dad has been staying at my sister’s for a couple of days and it helped me to settle down a little.
The new car insurance policy has not arrived, so I looked online and made a phone call. They gave me different number than before, but there was an explanation. So, I e-mailed H the new numbers with details. I inserted a validation statement in the e-mail too, LOL. I thanked him for advising me about my car coverage too and told him that he was always good at this kind of rational thinking. I just felt like I had nothing to lose and see what kind of effect it will make. I will probably not get any response to that and he will run even faster, LOL. I’m ok with that. I think I need to stir the pot a bit, even just for amusement.
I received an invitation to connect from LinkedIn from H’s niece, his sister’s daughter. Insert the wide opened eyes here, hehe. We were never even close. I’ve been to her HS graduation in the past and last time I saw her was at H’s Dad’s funeral about 3 years ago. I know that she is getting married this summer. I didn’t get an invitation to the wedding, so obviously I’m not part of the family. Why try to connect with me? I had the same question when H’s nephew (older brother’s son) sent me a LinkedIn invitation. I never responded. I think I’m going to do the same thing with his niece. Especially that H’s sister completely erased me from her life. I have a good relationship with H’s brother who lives here and I do get B-day and Christmas cards from his older brother and his wife. I never get anything from H’s sister any more.
My friends from vacation home place are coming this weekend to stay with me for a couple of days on their way to Europe. I’m sure I will hear some news about H. Not sure if it will do me any good though. Will see.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I agree and this forum has lots of helpful people. I had to learn to keep trucking along for myself. I'll help if/when you need encouragement but I'm still learning and job an. Mrbond and sSandi2 and others really have good advice. Best I can tell you is read read read.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
Waiting for the friends to arrive. They should be here any minute. And I’m having really mixed feelings. They are good friends, but the fact that they are also H’s friends makes me a bit uneasy. He hangs around them a lot recently, what it looks like. He goes to their house for dinners and even doesn’t mind a little kid around. When I called them at their house the other day to find out the plans, I found out that H and his new friend were at their house that night. The new friend wanted to say hi to me for whatever reason. I haven’t met him yet, so it was kind of weird.
So here I am sitting and having these thoughts about our friendship... I know they don’t want to take sides, but I still feel a bit betrayed, because they keep accepting and accommodating H knowing that he did the wrong things (hook up with our mutual friend’s cousin) and hurt me. I’m starting to think that I’m crazy and that because people still like and accept H, it must be not a big deal what he did, and I just inflicted all that pain on myself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
No reply from H about the car insurance. I don’t he read his e-mails yet.
I took my friends to the airport this morning. I had two very busy days with them. I took my female friend shipping on Saturday. She needed a lot of things and we had hard time finding the clothes that would fit her. She is overweight and her H told us to buy the clothes that would make her look thinner. Next day we all went to the mall with the baby and did some more shopping. We found very decent stuff for her and they both were very pleased.
My house is a disaster right now after two days with the 18 month old. He is allowed to run with the food in his hands, so I have to do some good cleaning now.
We also went to my other GF’s bar last night and saw a couple of guys who fancy me. My friends were making comments how much these guys were interested in me. This doesn’t make me happy at all. Before I would like for them to see this and pass the info to H. But I was not enjoying it last night.
I loved the time I spent with my friends, but I have some mixed feelings. Their visit just stirred up my emotions again. H came up in our conversations, and it just made me depressed every time. My male friend doesn’t even mention anything about his hope for our R anymore. He told me again that H seems to be having some issues, but he doesn’t talk about them with the friends. He also said that he still doesn’t understand why H gave everything up, “this beautiful house”, a wife like me, the city where he wanted to live so badly… We talked about some issues in my childhood, which were similar to his wife’s issues. And he told me again that he sees how much I’ve changed during the last couple of years.
Before they came, I was wishing to hear only the good news. Well, just the opposite happened. Without me starting the conversation, my GF brought up her cousin again. She told me that H was just recently giving her a hard time again for intervening into his attempts to have a relationship with her cousin. And once again she told him how wrong he was even thinking about it, that she hasn’t changed her opinion about it and would still be against it. She also told me that H appears to be still navigating through his issues. She mentioned something H said that sounded like he still carries some resentment for his Mom. She said that he also mentioned that he doesn’t really like his sister. That he is selfish… That he is judgmental and stubborn…
Again, they both told me that H doesn’t have OW. I believe it. He must have been having a hard time finding one. This is why he brought up the subject about the cousin again. At least she answered his advances and gave him some ego boost.
This was very discouraging. It doesn’t look like H is anywhere close to the end of replay. He is still in a fantasy of finding a perfect match. Or, maybe it is just finding anyone who would be interested in him at this point, idk.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
