I'm venting here because I don't have anywhere better to go with these particular feelings at the moment.
My best friend, who I've been close with since we were pregnant 15 almost 16 years ago, who is a psychologist and a very upfront and articulate friend, lets me down sometimes. Maybe I do her too. Over the years we've sort of known when we needed more distance and then circled back. She's been really distant and unavailable recently, and I read it as life stress so I made more of an effort to reach out now and then and/or drive to where she is to make getting together easier, even if just for a 15 min walk or a cup of coffee.
I was hurt last time we spoke because she mentioned how she was trying to rebuild her social circle and have people she could have dinner parties and go to shows with, you know, COUPLES. I let it go, didn't seem worth pursuing. I figured she's blunt and sometimes abrasive but always honest. Other people would think the same but have a better filter and not say it.
This weekend I called again to see if she wanted anything from Trader Joes as I'd be out in her area, and she returned my call three days later. And kind of with a "sigh. ok, what do you want to talk about" attitude. I have tried VERY HARD not to be a sad sack, not to focus all of our conversations on my life issues, and not to lean on her professionally but as a friend. Very intentionally. And yet... It's like I can't avoid being perceived that way anyway.
So we talked about her and her weekend with her inlaws, and her kids, and plans for the snow day, and then I mentioned that my s15 had a concussion (more on that later) and she brought up how H would respond to that. She knows him VERY well and knows exactly what question to ask. H responded badly, and that got us off on that topic more than I intended, and I felt she was badgering me about how I responded to him and what I would do next. Not how I felt like chit chatting at that time so I changed the subject.
Then I realized I hadn't spoken to her since all the way in December because she didn't know I'd been fired, which is a big deal in my life right now so I mentioned it. And the rest of the convo turned into an argument about how I should be happy because I always complained about that job etc.
Sigh. I think she sees me as a project she wished she didn't need to work on. I don't want to be a project and don't want to be worked on. I wish I could redo that conversation and leave a few key parts out. I will give her some more space, but I miss my friend.
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About the concussion. S15's friend is a bonehead and lobbed a rock with his lacrosse stick, which landed on S15's head, sending him to the ER. I raced home to him when he called me panicky and crying and hurt, and I was thinking "oh I'm so glad this is why I work part time and always have been there for the kids and H has no idea and no appreciation for that and what on earth am I going to do come july when I'm in a new job omg."
I spent the next 3.5 hours getting him checked out in the ER.
H, as a parent, and as a wrestling and lacrosse coach over the years, has been very vocal against concussions. He was adamant S15 could never be on a football team because of concussions. He said if S got a concussion he'd have to stop playing his sport, he's just always been really vocal that way. I also am opposed to concussions but not in the very strong way that H is. So I knew H was going to be really pissed and I expected there to be some disagreeableness, but I felt obligated to tell my child's father that we were at the hospital, so I did and chose my words carefully, that S15 had a head injury, we were getting it checked out and I'd let him know as soon as I had more info.
He wrote back "how did he get hurt?". I responded that "was tossing lacrosse, got hit with a rock. did great on neurological exam, ct scan not recommended bc seemed unnecessary." H said "ok. that's good. who threw a rock at him?"
I did not respond, and then my phone died. I had a gut feeling about that question and I felt I had fulfilled my obligation to inform. H did not seem at all compassionate or concerned about S but rather looking for who to knock around about it. I was stressed from the afternoon in the ER, concern for my boy, and S15's pain and worry, and really just needed more time to handle H if he was going to be disagreeable.
H never got back to me about it but the next day S15 said "Dad keeps yelling at me to tell him who threw the rock and I don't want to. I told him I don't want to talk about it anymore. He's going to try to go after the parents to pay the copay for the ER visit."
I had a feeling. I would rather offer to pay H the copay out of my pocket than have him going after S's friend. Yes it was a stupid thing he did, I think we can all agree that he knew better. It's not like they don't tell those kids from age 7 not to toss rocks with their lacrosse sticks. He wasn't aiming at S15, he just tossed it up in the air. And it really gets my goat that H shows more interest in the money than in acting like he cares how his kid is feeling.
S has told me he really doesn't want his dad to know who threw the rock.
By the way, S is doing great, resting a lot, eating his blueberries and drinking extra and staying quiet. His head hasn't hurt at all since before we left the ER on Monday. We'll go get followup care but it looks like he's doing really well.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You know what? If the kid threw a rock through your window, you wouldn't have a problem asking his parents to pony up for the damages, would you? Isn't this the same thing? Don't you think that boy might benefit from this teachable moment, if his parents made him responsible in some way for the financial consequences?
And yes, your H may not be handling it the way you would, but this may also be his (macho, Y chromosome) way of trying to make it better by "defending" his tribe.
You may be right but i dont have to agree or like h's viewpoint. Trust me h will never let anyone hear the end of it. There's a reason s and i both got on the defensive. I know this is the kind of difference i need to navigate as a coparent. But i don't like it.
Anyway, in the moment, under stress, i put off dealing with it. I think that's the riht thing for me to do. Later maybe we can have a conversation about why no one wants to tell h anything, and whether he might agree to be civil and respectful (for a change).
Perhaps i'll report back later that we worked it out.
I'd feel different if h showed s some care.
If by tribe, you mean bank account then it does look like protectiveness.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm fully aware that i'm sometimes resistant to feedback here. I am a work in progress. I don't want a bunch of yes-people when i'm going offtrack. Sometimes i learn by looking back at good wisdom that i resisted. We shall see.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Talked with s15 today, mentioned the broken window analogy. S15 said he did not care if i talked to the other parents, he just didnt want his dad involved because of the way his dad was yelling at him, "tell me who did it, tell me right now. We'll settle it in court" and reason number two being that if H gets the other parents all riled up s15s friend will get beat. i said, what do you mean by beat, and he said his friend gets hit with a belt if his dad gets mad.
So s15 would rather the moms handle it because they can be trusted not to go ballistic.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Nlw, i completely agree. An accident's an accident.
However, i dont think there's a right or wrong answer; clearly other people are more in my h's camp. That tells me there is more than one legitimate viewpoint.
In our marriage, my h's viewpoint was the only one that mattered on issues like this. He was embarassing to me, he made for very tense relations in outr neighborhood more than once, and i felt like it was my role to let him do what he saw fit; he was the man of the house. Since we had no conflict resolution skills either one of two things had to happen: he would avoid, or i would go along. He is not going to change but i can.
My ic has been teaching me to wait when i'm feeling oppositional or backed into c corner or just plain not ready to think reasonably. So thats what i did, so far.
She's also been very supportive of me looking to a general community like this to bounce ideas when i'm not sure of my judgment. 20 years of putdowns causes a person to lack trust in their own judgement and this is a way to build it up, by getting objective input.
The primary problem in this issue is that s anc i dont trust h, he tends to overreact, he does not respect our viewpoints, and he puts us on the defensive by yelling at us. So it is not easy for me to work with him to get on the same page, if thats even possible.
My ic has written him off as a lost cause after these years of hearing me try to get along with him. She encourages me to stand on my own two feet and refuse to be treated badly.
My h right now is upset about $150. I know him, he doesnt care about the other boy learning responsibility or whatever, he just wants his money back. He is not talking to me about it but to our child, which to me seems like choosing to work on the weaker person to get his way. He should be discussing his needs with me.
I do think its kind of an american thing to think nothing is "just" an accident, everything is someone's fault and you should get your entitlement from the person at fault.
My h memorized a license plate of a car that took a parking spot his mom was waiting for. He waited several years, and then he egged the car in yhe middle of the night. Age 27. I had a really sick feeling about someone like that, but i ignored it because we were engaged to be married. You do not want to get him mad because he gets even. My s15 has lots of experience telling him to resist his dad.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh wow. I just finished reading a book called the psychopath inside. It's about a neuroscientist who discovers that his brain looks exactly like that of a psychopath. At first he is in denial - he's successful,married, has lots of friends, no crimes. But over time he comes to recognize the psychopathic qualities that he has. And one is this deliberately planned revenge, like you just described! You may want to read that book.
