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A Message from Michele
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Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2438259
03/14/14 06:11 PM
03/14/14 06:11 PM
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Lost! Offline
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One Bible story that stuck with me ever since I was a kid is the story about Peter asking Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who has sinned against him. Jesus first replies with what would seem to be an absurd number of times – "seventy times seven" – and then He follows with a parable about forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-35).

Hearing this story as a child, I thought, "Man, 490 times? That's a lot of forgiving!" But, that's the point, isn't it? We are to never stop forgiving. And Jesus makes the point very clear that unless we forgive others, our Father in heaven will not forgive us. (Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25)

But, you may be thinking, "What if your spouse does something unforgiveable?" Jesus never said forgiving would be easy. But, He did say that we need to forgive, over and over again. There was no caveat that said to forgive only when the other person deserves it or to forgive if they ask for forgiveness. Matthew 6:15 says, "If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." This is serious business.

In his book The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren says:
"Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don't understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behavior.

Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record. If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you.

Forgive, detach and continue to focus on you. Do not let her behavior destroy your inner peace. Forgive her not because she deserve forgiveness. But because you deserve Peace.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2438455
03/15/14 03:18 PM
03/15/14 03:18 PM
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Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline OP
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I wont lie, I have had those thoughts of revenge. In those thoughts it is small things, like, I am not going to let her have the house, just because. Because I am angry. Or I will take the dogs away from here, so she cant see them. I wont act on that because I don't want to be that person. I don't want that on me. So I feel like I get what you are saying.

It has been hard lately because I question what I am doing. I have those recurring thoughts. That I still have disbelief in what is happening and how I got here. I feel time is closing in on me, and that very soon I will need to make some big choices. I am talking about my home, and where I will go from here. I have started looking at my options, so that when she says, this is it, I will have an idea what I will do. I wont lead the way on this, because I know this is her journey. But knowing my options I figure cant hurt.

I am trying to be strong, and to stay focused, but sometimes I am overwhelmed with sadness at this loss. I feel like some things will trigger it, and I just don't see the feelings coming. I try not to linger in the feelings, rather to acknowledge them and then do something else.

Like coming home last night, she was here, but asleep. She was gone when I got up. But coming home last night, and her being in the house, in her room, I just felt like she was purposely avoiding me. She was, and it still just brought on some sadness. I know I need to let that go, and most nights it fine. For some reason last night it just hit me again. This has been a rollercoaster for sure.

Today is new day though, and I have my routine to do.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2438461
03/15/14 03:46 PM
03/15/14 03:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
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ye21 Offline
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Today is new day though, and I have my routine to do.

What routine bro??? Your life its not a routine!!its a joy my man!!

It has been hard lately because I question what I am doing. I have those recurring thoughts. That I still have disbelief in what is happening and how I got here. I feel time is closing in on me, and that very soon I will need to make some big choices. I am talking about my home, and where I will go from here. I have started looking at my options, so that when she says, this is it, I will have an idea what I will do. I wont lead the way on this, because I know this is her journey. But knowing my options I figure cant hurt.

Why are you question yourself? Dont you see that everybody in this forum does that? We question ourselves all the time...if you love yourself completelly you dont question...you accept, again its who you are, you are build of experiences and decissions and choices, let go and let God...

Also we cant see the future, but I can see that you walk around the house like "walking dead"? Is it like that? Do you walk all day thinking why this, why did I do "wrong", what is gonna happen and so on...

Dude relax, we have no idea whats going to happen, enjoy now, dont think about the repairs you will have to do before they buy the house, or the visits or whatever its on the future...think about today, how many bills I have to pay? Ok let me pay them....did I exercise? No, ok let me go to exercise...did I walk around? No, ok let me take a 20min walk with the headphones listening to "ENYA" a very relaxing kind of music...
Thats the way you take care of life....one step at the time.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Re: I may have done too much [Re: ye21] #2438678
03/16/14 09:47 PM
03/16/14 09:47 PM
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Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline
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It’s common among we men to push ourselves during situation like this. We question ourselves over and over and want immediate answer without looking in the mirror to find us.

Sometimes it’s to get from A to B. Sometimes it’s to create the illusion of change when in all reality you’re just spinning your wheels. Sometimes it’s simply to avoid standing still and accepting the moment as is. I'm guilty of this myself, so know you not alone.

All that pushing can feel so smart and productive until you’re exhausted, overextended, overwhelmed, or otherwise ready to snap. I’ve been in all those spots—and not just way back but yesterday when I confirmed 2nd OM.

There are still days when my instinct is to push myself to the limits for reasons I may or may not fully understand in the moment. I suspect we all do this from time to time: spread ourselves way too thin while trying to get answer or reason for our fail marriage. We expand our world only to realize there’s only so far we can stretch or change.

I know there’s only so much my body, mind, and spirit can take now, so I try to learn from these days and forget about looking for immediate answer.

Give yourself a break. Continue to work on you and leave her alone. Here are some tip on how to give yourself emotional break:

1) Practice observing your feelings instead of getting caught up in them

2) Replace regrets with dreams. Whenever you start thinking about what you should have done, shift your focus to what you plan to do now. It’s far more empowering and a lot less draining!

3) Replace regrets with dreams. Whenever you start thinking about what you should have done, shift your focus to what you plan to do now. It’s far more empowering and a lot less draining.

4)Make it a label-free day. Every time you catch yourself judging yourself or a situation as bad or inadequate—things that always cause anxiety—consciously choose to avoid labeling anything. It’s a lot easier to stay calm when we limit our negative self talk.

5) Cry if you need to and are able. Crying can help you release chemicals and hormones and create a more relaxed, positive state of mind.

5) Write down the things you’re grateful for. It doesn’t need to be a list of traditional blessings. It can include your morning coffee or the fact that you're able to live to see another day. Identifying the things that have brought us joy is a powerful way to create more.

Elimination should for a day. Every time you catch yourself getting caught up in how you should be or things should be, tell yourself, “It is what it is.” Once we accept what is we’re in a much better place to create things as we’d like them to be.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2438814
03/17/14 03:58 PM
03/17/14 03:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline OP
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I appreciate what both of you are saying. Lost! I work on one and 2 a fair amount. I feel the feeling, and then leave it behind. 2, I am trying to redirect my thoughts to dreams of what I would like to do with my life. I guess what I say here has been to vent. When I get in those mindsets, I vent it here, so I am not taking it with me. I do pretty good when she is not around, or when there is not some new note on the fridge about what she is doing.

When it is just me, I am focused on my life. Working on ways to be happier and enjoy what I have. I am exploring parts of my life that I had put on hold when I got married. Things I wanted but felt I needed to compromise for the marriage. Now I can revisit and maybe be able to pursue.

When she is here, or does leave a note, it is like a reminder of what is happening. Her notes, telling me what nights she will be staying here, and which ones she wont. I do my best to ignore it, or vent it here. My posts here tend to be in the mornings, when I see the note, or when I made it through the night with her in the house. The rest of my day is fine. I am happy, I have fun. This is a much better place than I had been. I guess in part I am finally starting to get our M is over. Whether we can build a new one is uncertain. But I am staying on my own life. I have adopted my hobbies back into my life. They are now a part of my daily routine. I need a routine, it is who I am. I mix it up sometimes. But the basic, take care of the dogs, workout, pre prepare my meals, go to work, come home, take care of dogs, eat dinner, watch a movie or show. I throw in projects when there is time.

I feel like I have gotten a lot of my confidence back in who I am, I needed that so bad. I have been rebuilding myself physically, with working out and my style. Feels good, and I see it being noticed from other people. Girls flirting, things like that. I am not ready for that, but it has helped seeing it. I know my ego was pretty hard hit by all this.

I am ok, I can be better, and I am working towards that.

I still love my W very much, but all I can do is me. Maybe someday she will see me, but I am not waiting for her to come back. I am keeping myself from reading into things the best I can. Until she comes at me straight, the little things I read into, I don't believe.

I am ok, I am better than that. I am good. Like I said, sometimes I can just post stuff here so I don't carry it with me through the day.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2438862
03/17/14 06:33 PM
03/17/14 06:33 PM
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Glad to hear you doing okay man. "Girls flirting" lol. I get that all the time but say thanks for the compliment and move on. It'll be unfair to any woman to off load all the baggages from the old relationship into a new one. Right now is time to heal and work on you. You also want to be careful not to fall for same crap. Women say one thing and do another. You not a home wrecker, you're a good man. keep up with the good work, Hopefully your wife will see all the changes and come back to her senses.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2439017
03/18/14 02:34 PM
03/18/14 02:34 PM
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Have you given any more thought about moving?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: I may have done too much [Re: sandi2] #2439020
03/18/14 02:42 PM
03/18/14 02:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Sandi,

I'd like to understand why you would suggest that he move out? This is so contrary to what we say around here in DBland. Isn't the mantra "let the WAS move out" if they're so uncomfortable correct? You may have another perspective that we haven't heard here.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Wonka] #2439163
03/18/14 08:33 PM
03/18/14 08:33 PM
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I wasn't suggesting he move out. He previously talked about how much he disliked the location where he lived and was considering moving. I just wanted to know if he had thought any more about it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: I may have done too much [Re: sandi2] #2439309
03/19/14 03:32 PM
03/19/14 03:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline OP
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Sandi2, I have. I have dreamt of what that might look like. I have been considering all the options I can see. I mean, 3 months since the B dropped. There has been no sign of...anything. My optimism on a salvation, is sadly fading.

I have to say this sometimes feels like watching an addict. W being the addict. Watching them spiral, wanting to rescue them. Feeling helpless to do anything to help them. It tears me up when I think about it. I know, like an addict, I cant make them want to get help. They have to be ready.

So, where she keeps going in that direction, all I can do is look at me. I have been. I went to the bank and talked to them about our house. Neither of us can afford it alone. The market is such that I fear that if we sell, we will still owe on it. We have only owned it for 6 years, so still a lot to be paid. Our house, was one thing that kept me here. Right now I only have two other things that would keep me here. My mother lives a few towns over, and my job.

If I moved, it would be across the country. If I moved, that's a big jump, and a little intimidating. On the other hand, a real fresh start. If I stay, I don't know. The idea of getting an apartment here, in a place I don't really care for, is not as exciting I guess or as liberating. Our city is not that big either, so I would still see her.

I had thought maybe we were waiting for it to warm up before trying to sell, that is finally coming. It is warming up every day, and spring is coming to us. I feel the deadline to make a decision is growing close, on what to do with the house. I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I will not make the decision, but I think she will. Have not decided how to respond yet.

My plan so far for the day, is to take some of my stuff to goodwill. Clothes mostly, things I done use, and don't want to pack. Lighten my load. If we are going to sell, our house will need a lot of prep. I can work on these things, as they should be done anyway. Should keep me busy, be a little therapeutic, and needs to be done no matter what happens. Start the spring cleaning I guess.

My last thought, I still want to work on the marriage. I still believe there is a way through. But, I know I cant push it. I can only do me. But that is where my mind is. I would be willing, I just don't see any signs of opportunity. I remind myself all the time, to just be in the present. What do I need today, what is my mind and body telling me? It does give me some peace, and keeps me from going into and sitting in the bad feelings.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



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