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A Message from Michele
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Re: I may have done too much [Re: trying very hard] #2433007
02/23/14 04:24 PM
02/23/14 04:24 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline OP
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Maine
TVH, Thank you! I mean some days are better than others, and some I just want to waive the white flag. Man, snooping, its feels like a scratch I cant reach sometimes. But when I scratch it, its like scratching a sunburn, it just hurts more. So I am trying to be like mind over matter as best I can. Because all I have found is about how great things are for her. Oh it makes me sick. So, I am fighting it as best I can. I think sometimes, how much more can I do this? But I keep on.

Quote:
I know this EXACT feeling. It's the absolute worst. I guess we gotta work on our detaching skills more.


LFC, I do too I guess. Really hard when she is in my space.

Quote:
I struggle with this too. I can't wait for the day where I will not let their actions affect me. I mean, why feel pain and confusion when they obviously don't care. WE shouldn't care but I understand how hard it is. The process gets easier and we MUST learn to detach. Great job at keeping busy and GAL. Above all, kudos for not snooping, it will lead to nothing. Keep it up, keep DB'ing for YOU..we are in this journey together..


TipAnna, I cant wait for something like this too. I mean, I'm just tired of feeling these bad ones. I just feel like this is a huge dose of it too. Its not like an even that happens, you grieve and then move on, its ongoing! I try to do the same, not showing it when she is here. nut this morning was hard, which i'll add at the end.

Sandi2, I just want to add something I was thinking this AM. In regards to the OW topic. No doubt! I mean I am sure that's what happened to some extent in my M. She was unhappy, lonely, MLC, or just at a weak vulnerable spot. Here comes this guy, who she knows. Her brothers high school friend. Which I have suspected since this started was some kind of childhood crush. Her brother is only like 2 years older. So I just picture, this protective brother thing from them growing up preventing anything sooner, coming into her life. Offering excitement and attention, and old feelings resurface. And she crossed the line. I see the similarities to what I did, that's where part of the guilt came from. That why I said earlier when telling the story here, I was the OM. The only difference and not a real justification, is my W has already been openly having an A. So, me doing this, while not ok, well is probably what I was telling myself at the time. I mean that OW thing is over, but something I have thought about a few times and this morning.

--------
This morning, there was a note:
"Morning, hope you slept well. figured I'd give you my sched for this week. I'll be here tonight, Monday I'll be out. But I am here Tuesday night. I'll go for your days off Wed & Thur. night. Just let me know if you have plans to be gone overnight and I'll stay here and take care of the pups. Have a good day. I'll get 1/2 and 1/2 on my way home."

I read this, and I just done even know what to say or think. I mean, I got angry. I stopped leaving notes for her, and I will not reply to this one was well, in a note or verbally. Instead I came here to vent about it. Otherwise I think it could ruin my day. I mean I read the note about 2 hours ago and I am still amped up about it. It just has led me done a path of feeling like WTH is she doing? I just don't get it.

Quote:
Your W is having an A. Whenever a woman feels like she can leave a note to her H telling him she won't be home again that night, that is pretty bold even for a WAW. She either thinks you won't care, or she feels she has no consequences to face, or she can tell you anything and it will be okay. Whatever, she is disrespecting you, and why would you want to be her friend? I think a lot of guys make a mistake in trying to be BFF with their WAW. It is much better, IMO, if he acts nonchalant about whatever she does.


I feel like the note says here are the nights I am getting laid, while you stay home and watch the pets. The comment about letting her know if I am staying out and she will come home and watch them. YEAH RIGHT! So you can bring him here? I don't think so. If I go away, I am taking the dogs with me, or dropping them at my moms. I don't even trust her to watch them. I mean I came home the other night and asked if she had taken our bigger dog, which is kind of my dog out, and she was like yeah. A lie, I could tell, sure enough, pup had to go so bad. I could tell she had not been out in a long time by her panicked race to go.

She does nothing here for the house. Does not clean, does not clean up after herself. Leaves her mess for me. In our R towards the end, I tried letting the messes go, assuming she would take of it. That if I let it get messy enough, she would take care of it. That did now happen so I end up cleaning up after her. I think I should tell her, as long as your staying here, you got clean up after yourself. AND really you need to do some work here to keep the house clean!

Hope I slept well, do you???? I don't think so. This is what I am talking about with being so fake. No sign of remorse. This is making want this to work less and less, because I cant believe this is ok in her head. So unhealthy. She needs help, but wont get it, and I cant make here. Argg!

Sandi2, with what you said,
Quote:
She either thinks you won't care, or she feels she has no consequences to face, or she can tell you anything and it will be okay.

I mean later in this you said it is better to act nonchalant about it. I just don't know if there is anything else I can do.

Maybe there is not. Maybe I need to just let this go. I am hoping the vent right now will help with that so I can recover my days mood. Taking some deep breaths right now. It just makes me so mad. I don't see why she is staying here. She said early on, she had no where to go. Baloney! So why is she still here. Well I know part is because these are the days she has to get to work early. She is not staying here my days off for me, it is just BS, its because she has those days off. I will resist this, but my instinct (I know I know) says to tell her to not bother coming home. Changing the locks and being like deal with this reality! I wont! But that is how I am feeling right now.

What I will do, is bring my mind back to now. What am I going to do today. Off to work, and then a work out. Maybe she will be asleep when I get home, so I don't have to interact with her. Maybe the urge to say something will have faded by then.

You know I have read many stories here. The feedback I have gotten here. All the words you all have said. We have got to be some of the strongest people I know for going through these things. I mean, its unbelievable. I know how much I am hurt, how hard certain times are. I know others here are going through the same things here. We are still here, we have not thrown in the towel on our lives. I have to remember that! I am still here, but cheers to all of you too! And thank you! I cant express how helpful being right here, in this place, has helped me thus far!

One step at a time, is all anyone can do, will be my days thought to keep in mind.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2433130
02/24/14 03:00 AM
02/24/14 03:00 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
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D2ndday  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
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Maine
I am so angry right now!! I don't even know what to say or why. I mean nothings changed. I mean I come home. She is awake but is locked up in the spare room with one of our dogs (I guess her dog). I get settled in, decide to go take the other dog for a walk since who knows how long is been since she was taken out. Can see the light on in her room. Come back in, reset the wifi, just because I am assuming she was in there doing something on wifi. I can here the dog bouncing off the walls in there because he wants to come say hi. We have a service where through our cable company we can watch tv on our devices, I want to log into that and change the PW. I wont, since we are both paying for it.

Its just that feeling like, What are you doing in there? No hello, no nothing. I am going to make something to eat I guess. What's funny is I came home with the intention of doing the same thing. Going to the workout room, and just isolating. For some reason it is pissing me off that she did I it first. I know I need to be patient through this process, but man, these emotions are strong. I am just feeling really alone. Its so heavy on my shoulders right now. This has just been a long day.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2433182
02/24/14 02:25 PM
02/24/14 02:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline
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Originally Posted By: D2ndday
I am so angry right now!! I don't even know what to say or why. I mean nothings changed. I mean I come home. She is awake but is locked up in the spare room with one of our dogs (I guess her dog). I get settled in, decide to go take the other dog for a walk since who knows how long is been since she was taken out. Can see the light on in her room. Come back in, reset the wifi, just because I am assuming she was in there doing something on wifi. I can here the dog bouncing off the walls in there because he wants to come say hi. We have a service where through our cable company we can watch tv on our devices, I want to log into that and change the PW. I wont, since we are both paying for it.
[quote=D2ndday] It’s just that feeling like, What are you doing in there? No hello, no nothing. I am going to make something to eat I guess. What's funny is I came home with the intention of doing the same thing. Going to the workout room, and just isolating. For some reason it is pissing me off that she did I it first. I know I need to be patient through this process, but man, these emotions are strong. I am just feeling really alone. Its so heavy on my shoulders right now. This has just been a long day.


Now, I am going to be a little direct, but hear me out. Try to think of it this way... THEY are the WAS so why would they say hi? Why would she want to be around you when she only really wants to “walkway”? I always go back to analyzing (not rationalizing) their behavior based on things I read in DR or DB...this helps me understand that what I am feeling in the moment is normal (as hard as it is) and that this is the way a WAS should be acting, so it’s ok..I dissociate myself and try to look at it as if I am watching at a movie , and that this is the story unfolding, so I don’t get hurt (as much) and this way I don’t let it consume me..

Nevertheless, I completely understand too...lol!! Why does she get the right to lock herself up and ignore you? SHE is the one who “did something wrong”, right? The only way to handle this is to let it go. I know it is hard because you are living together but remember that this “feeling” will pass. See how you reacted to her and her actions? That is the way you want HER to react, right? So next time, you come in, don’t say hi, go work out, take your dog for a walk, as if this is what you would be doing anyway (as if)?

You are NOT alone. Hundreds of people on this site and out there are going through the same thing! WE will get through this, one way or the other...Stay strong...


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: I may have done too much [Re: TipAnna] #2433199
02/24/14 03:52 PM
02/24/14 03:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
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zew Offline
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Yup, have to agree with TA here. The WAW wishes you were out of the house and out of her life, so why would she say anything? My W stays up in our room most of the time when I'm home. She is usually asleep by the time I go to our bed. And I'm up first in the morning, working out then making the kids' beds. I don't initiate morning conversation anymore, because that almost always got shot down, but I've noticed that now that I'm just silent, she'll usually start by telling me what her day plans are. I acknowledge, politely, but don't dig for any detail. Seems counter-intuitive, since if I were doing a 180, I would be engaging in more conversation, but that's not the way it works with WAW.
Yes, have to say that living with a WAW adds a whole dimension to DBing, but you're limited to pretty much the same toolbox. Detach. Let her do her thing without trying to make any sense of it, because you just can't. Work on not letting her jerk your chain. And know that there are many of us in the same boat.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: TipAnna] #2433209
02/24/14 04:39 PM
02/24/14 04:39 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline OP
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Thank you TipAnna! I think yesterday was one of those days where it started off on the wrong foot. I was feeling more sensitive to all this. I feel like some days are like that. The wind blows a little and I fall over. LOL. I think what happens is I was feeling worn down, and so it did not take much for me to let it get to me. Your right, and I do feel a little better this morning. Nights with her here are just the hardest. I feel my chest and body tighten up as I come into the house with her here, or she comes in. Its always at night that it is the hardest. Its harder to ignore her presence in those times.

Like I know she wont be here today, and I am a little relieved. I know I need to focus on GAL, and I did go and workout after I posted and ate. It helped give me a place to focus the frustration. I did not really work out much before this all happened, but it has been part of my GAL, and it does give me a place to vent. I picture a better me, including getting myself into better shape. I am in pretty good shape, but a better me, in my mind would be stronger. I think there are a lot of reason why I am turning to that. Making myself stronger emotionally but also physically.

I am a pretty sensitive person although I try to hide that. Especially with matters of the heart. Separating myself from the reality of what is happening is pretty hard sometimes. What you have said is like taking the words from my mouth.

Quote:
Nevertheless, I completely understand too...lol!! Why does she get the right to lock herself up and ignore you? SHE is the one who “did something wrong”, right? The only way to handle this is to let it go. I know it is hard because you are living together but remember that this “feeling” will pass. See how you reacted to her and her actions? That is the way you want HER to react, right


Yes! lol. AND, I know it wont happen, and in the moment, I still think it should. AND yet here I am today. The power of those feelings have subsided. Its not as intense. But when it happens, as moments gone by have, it feels like I am going to be stuck in that spot forever. This last sentence is how soo many times going through this have felt. Like in those heavy heated moments, when it is so intense and so painful, that I wont be able to catch my breath. Like I am about to go under. I am really trying to catch myself from letting that happen, and coming here helped. I mean, me resetting the wifi last night, was petty. I just reacted. I don't like that I did that. That desire to change a password. I mean I guess I was trying to force a reaction. I let her win, this is what I mean when she is around it is harder. When I am alone, recently, it has gotten easier to redirect myself, not easy but easier.

After all this, I don't think I will like rollercoasters anymore, lol.

I think I also and getting resentful. I mean I have some great things happen in my life just recently. I got a promoted, later I got a raise, my work is going to pay for me to go back to school to finish my second degree, I was selected for a senior leadership program, where they basically are going to guide me into a higher position. (I have been putting a lot of my attention into my work recently, which has helped, lol.) All things that should be cause for celebration. Things I would want to share with people and celebrate. I feel like, this, has overshadowed it. I mean I told people, but of course I wanted to tell her, and celebrate with her. But instead of feeling great, I am up and down. I am happy about what I have accomplished and I know I need to keep my mind there. It is just moments of extreme emotion that hit me.

You know, I just typed up this last paragraph about how her family and friends dropped me, but I deleted it because I guess I shouldn't even think about that. Better to keep from going down that thought process.

Anyway, Thank you, your kind words are heard TipAnna. I slipped, but I will get up and start climbing again. This analogy feels fitting for what this has felt like. Like an ant on Everest. Today is one hour at a time.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2433324
02/24/14 08:05 PM
02/24/14 08:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
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blinded Offline
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Originally Posted By: D2ndday

I am a pretty sensitive person although I try to hide that. Especially with matters of the heart. Separating myself from the reality of what is happening is pretty hard sometimes.


I always thought that I had a good handle on my emotions, but this sitch completely changed my outlook. Indeed detaching is really hard and I am so trying to not give myself any false hope, because I feel that anything that is not well founded will just crush me later on.

When I think about a happy future now, I think about a little box and place that thought inside. I then say that I will open that box in due time... not now. I feel it helps me a bit smile


M 38 W 38
D 7
M 10
T 20
Bomb drop 2/10
Re: I may have done too much [Re: blinded] #2433438
02/25/14 04:05 AM
02/25/14 04:05 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline OP
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Maine
Thanks Blinded! I have been finding it is so easy to slip into unhappiness, and other bad thoughts. I just keep pulling myself back up and holding on.

Quiet night with her not here. haven't thought much about what she is doing, more just that I am lonely. I am trying to keep myself busy. Avoiding all that is going on for the most part. My days was long enough as it is, lol.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2433530
02/25/14 03:12 PM
02/25/14 03:12 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline
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Posts: 212
Remember it take two to work on your situation. Things will get better with time. You'll feel it when the time comes. I'm a similar situation with you. It's hard to breath or not thinking about the situation. But I've decided to make I and my daughter my main priority for now. I can't stop her or change the situation, so why kill myself over a selfish woman. Work on you and focus on the future you want for yourself. If your w comes back good, if not the situation will make you a better person.

One in three couples divorce due to extra marital affairs. A small percentage of these split couples go on to marry the person they have an affair with. Most will tell their ex that the affair did not cause their divorce, but rather brought issues to the forefront that hadn’t been dealt with before. During an affair neither of the participants engaged in the affair are thinking clearly, and this is one reason when couples split due to an affair there is often regret. The odds of having a successful marriage with the person you have an affair with are grimmer than the chances you had at being successful with your marriage. Despite this knowledge couples still cheat on their spouse, and they still opt for marrying their partner in the affair.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2433536
02/25/14 03:23 PM
02/25/14 03:23 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline
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Lost!  Offline
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When you are in a more rational mind ask your w what sort of person dates or has an affair with someone they know is married. One thing is clear; they are comfortable with lying and adultery. That includes emotional affairs as well

Ask her if she has thought about what OM will be like when she aren’t only seeing his good side. It’s easy to impress someone when you only see him or her secretly, and don’t have to clean up after them or live with them.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2433539
02/25/14 03:28 PM
02/25/14 03:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline
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Posts: 212
You probably won't get any response telling her all this but trust me she'll think about it at some point. Right now is time for you to work on you brother. I go through the ups and down of my wife affair daily. But I'm doing better now. I still cry but am at peace knowing I can't do anything to change the situation. Be patient.

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