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A Message from Michele
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Re: I may have done too much [Re: LFC1170] #2432586
02/21/14 03:52 PM
02/21/14 03:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Posts: 7,308
Originally Posted By: LFC1170

Ego boost leads to confidence, confidence leads to better self-esteem, self-esteem leads to the feeling you can handle anything that comes your way and be the man you were born to be, which would help you, in an ironic way, to continue the LRT. So, to me, the only way to heal yourself from the pain caused by a woman is not other activities, engulfing yourself in work, going out with the boys, those are all distractions. It is the admiration and appreciation that you can only receive from another woman that will give you the confidence and self-esteem you need as a male. Just my thinking.


We are all codependent in our M's and go through withdrawals after BD. We've lost the affirmation that our WAS used to provide. If you date too soon it takes your focus away from where it should be- YOU. You end up not fixing your problems, but just convincing yourself that since OW find you attractive, your W was the one that was wrong and you're just fine the way you are. If you pursue that path you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes in your next R. Before any of us date we must first fix our problems, become better people, and learn to be happy BY OURSELVES. When our happiness comes from within then we have solid self-esteem. When our happiness comes from others then we are weak and subject to being put on an emotional roller coaster by them. Read No More Mister Nice Guy, it's a great book for showing you how to be happy with yourself by yourself without the need for affirmation from others.

For the record, I'm not one of those people that thinks you have to wait for D before dating (although many here do feel that way). I think it's for each of us to decide when we are ready. But I think too many LBS's jump into dating too soon and for all the wrong reasons.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: I may have done too much [Re: AnotherStander] #2432628
02/21/14 05:24 PM
02/21/14 05:24 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 104
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LFC1170 Offline
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LFC1170  Offline
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There is a lot of sense in what you say. I still feel that you could never be COMPLETELY healed without that love especially if you felt it before. It would probably be easier if you never felt it to go on and do what you got to do and be successful. If you were lucky enough to have received love, I think that, there would be this feeling of not being totally complete without it.

Remember "Men in Black" when Will Smith was trying to make Tommy Lee Jones feel better about his past? He said, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and Jones got in his face and said "Try it!" smile


Me 43 W 43
S 10 (Special Needs)
M: 14 yrs
T: 18 yrs
Bomb: 09/16/12
Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Re: I may have done too much [Re: LFC1170] #2432814
02/22/14 04:17 PM
02/22/14 04:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline OP
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D2ndday  Offline OP
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Posts: 58
Maine
I agree with what both of you have said, lol. I do. I mean like I said there was that hit to my ego. To my feeling like was loved. That feeling of security in my life. As bad as I feel that I did that with the OW, there is a part of me that did get something from that. I stopped it, I have not pursued anything more with her. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, maybe is was an overwhelming desire to feel loved. Afterwards I did feel a renewed since of confidence in myself. I took that, and it has give me some strength still. I guess to know that I am not crazy. Not crazy to think my W is crazy for giving up. LOL.

Quote:
..You end up not fixing your problems, but just convincing yourself that since OW find you attractive, your W was the one that was wrong and you're just fine the way you are...


I agree and see the truth in what you say A.S.. I saw pretty quick after that I am still in a couple state of mind. I am not Me, the independent person, I am me, the partner. All those habits and desire to care take, are still there. I have not gotten to the point where I have really completed a change. I feel like I am making progress. I do think it helped doing that with the OW, but not to go from one W right into another R. I know I am not ready for that. Talk about being the one bringing baggage, lol.

It is also the cliché, of being lonely, maybe vulnerable. If I had been more clear or strong at that time, I might have seen ahead what the negatives would be. Like I said, there were positives, but also negatives. I am trying to build myself back up. In my OP right now, there is no harm in flirting, but not letting it go further right now. I come from a family of all woman, and I do feed off a woman's affection. So far, I really do feel like it has given me hope and motivation. That whatever happens, I will be alright.

LFC, man, isn't that the truth! IDK, maybe. I mean I try to believe there is a reason for everything. Its hard to see right now because the wounds are fresh, the pain is real. At the same time, the past 11 years of M, were overall great. To me they were. I mean just as far as the intensity of loving someone that way. I had never felt that way before. I have to be happy that I did experience that. Of course I still do love her so strongly, but who knows how this will play out. If anything, it makes me know how great it can be. That I can feel that again, and want to, because I know what it felt like to be so in love. When I met my W I was so done with being single, and all the games of dating. I was just done, and then I met her. What is my end game? I want to get back to that place, of real love. I have no idea how long it will take, or if I ever will find that place again. BUT, this is one of those times I am bringing myself back to right this moment. What am I going to do right now?

-------------------------------

Today, instead of breaking this post up into two, I just need a quick vent.

She came home last night, I did not leave a note for her as I would have in the past. When I got home, she was awake. She said hi, asked how work went. Asked me if I wanted to hear the latest, (a comment that made me nervous) Sure I said. She said her brothers GF was preg. Which is relative new R. I just said wow that's crazy in a very matter of fact way. I kept moving, getting settled from work, started making myself dinner, and greeting our dogs. Who are always excited to see me. She asked how my back was, from the tattoo. I said it was fine. She asked a few other things, to which I maintained the same matter of fact, although upbeat tone, answers. I asked if she worked that day, she had, asked how it went, she said good. I left it at that and went upstairs while dinner cooked. Came back down, started eating. Normally I would of asked if she wanted some, or offer her what's left. I did not. I just did my own thing. While I ate she went in the kitchen and made some kraft.

OK, so far so good. There was a moment, as I was about to take our big dog out. I looked over at her in the kitchen. She was cooking and not facing me. I felt my heart sink. Standing there in her PJ's, I felt sadness coming on. I mean there is the woman I love, she looked beautiful. I felt the desire to just go hold her in my arms. To tell her I love her. Wondering if she would see that I was looking or care. It was a little overwhelming. Now this in reality was probably just a few seconds, but it felt longer.

I quickly ducked outside, had to get out to avoid her seeing me looking, and from doing something stupid. When I came back, she told me the bathroom looked really nice. This I think I said before was one of her rooms to clean, but had become like a second hamper for her clothes. Strewn over the dryer and in front of it. She also had not been cleaning it. I took all her clothes out and put it in her room, and cleaned the bathroom. It felt good to do this. I mean I like a clean bathroom, and it just felt a little liberating I guess.

Anyway, I thanked her, and said it just needed to be done. It was getting pretty gross, and that I was not all the way done with it. Then I walked off. About an hour later, I was watching tv, she walked by saying she was going to bed, I said ok. This morning, she was up, and she asked me if I knew about some news story, I said I hadn't, and continued to drink my coffee, and go through FB.

She said good by when she went to work. She will be back tonight. It IS getting harder when she is here. I made it through the night, which was hard because she acts like nothing is happening. I just don't get that. It feels cold, and disrespectful that she acts this way. Not acknowledging the pain she has and is causing me. I don't show that, but when I am alone, I think that. I cant really see signs of change (which there may be none) because of the way she acts now towards me. She is so fake, she must be, because who acts like this?? LOL.

I have been doing very good about not snooping, and I am happy about that. I have had the urge many times. But have resisted. Every time I feel it, I do something else. Come here, FB, clean, chat, put on a movie, read, or write. Anything to give me pause. I am trying to stay in the here and now, not the past, not the future, but here and now. I have my goals, and that is what I can do now. SO, hoping the next 24-48hrs goes well. Taking a deep breath. Telling myself I can do this. One thing at a time.
_________________________


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2432827
02/22/14 06:18 PM
02/22/14 06:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 104
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LFC1170 Offline
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I looked over at her in the kitchen. She was cooking and not facing me. I felt my heart sink. Standing there in her PJ's, I felt sadness coming on. I mean there is the woman I love, she looked beautiful. I felt the desire to just go hold her in my arms. To tell her I love her. Wondering if she would see that I was looking or care. It was a little overwhelming. Now this in reality was probably just a few seconds, but it felt longer.

I know this EXACT feeling. It's the absolute worst. I guess we gotta work on our detaching skills more.


Me 43 W 43
S 10 (Special Needs)
M: 14 yrs
T: 18 yrs
Bomb: 09/16/12
Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2432871
02/22/14 08:51 PM
02/22/14 08:51 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline
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Posts: 54
Originally Posted By: D2ndday
It IS getting harder when she is here. I made it through the night, which was hard because she acts like nothing is happening. I just don't get that. It feels cold, and disrespectful that she acts this way. Not acknowledging the pain she has and is causing me. I don't show that, but when I am alone, I think that. I cant really see signs of change (which there may be none) because of the way she acts now towards me. She is so fake, she must be, because who acts like this?? LOL.


I struggle with this too. I can't wait for the day where I will not let their actions affect me. I mean, why feel pain and confusion when they obviously don't care. WE shouldn't care but I understand how hard it is. The process gets easier and we MUST learn to detach. Great job at keeping busy and GAL. Above all, kudos for not snooping, it will lead to nothing. Keep it up, keep DB'ing for YOU..we are in this journey together..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2432895
02/22/14 10:21 PM
02/22/14 10:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
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sandi2 Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
First, congrats for not snooping!

I
Quote:
certainly don't blame you for engaging in sexting with that other woman. You felt your M was over. Along came a woman that appreciated you for who you were and showed you acceptance. This is what u needed internally and you showed momentary weakness. I think that's normal and you should not beat yourself over it. My wife told me to go out and bang other women
.

This sexing was with the same woman you have been in and out of sexual R's over all these years. She is engaged and you are married. I know the above quote was not made by you, but for whoever should read this post I want to say something to you. If the above statement can be justified, then every EA out there can use the same justification!

It would not have been right with "any" woman, but this is a woman you have a sexual history with. Have you ever told your W about her, or did you keep that part of your life a secret?

What if your W decides to do a little snooping herself?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: I may have done too much [Re: sandi2] #2432919
02/23/14 12:09 AM
02/23/14 12:09 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 104
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LFC1170 Offline
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LFC1170  Offline
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Posts: 104
That's true. That's why i said momentary weakness. He admitted he cut it off, so it was just that. I wouldn't condone it if it kept going on.


Me 43 W 43
S 10 (Special Needs)
M: 14 yrs
T: 18 yrs
Bomb: 09/16/12
Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Re: I may have done too much [Re: sandi2] #2432948
02/23/14 03:24 AM
02/23/14 03:24 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
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D2ndday  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
The not snooping this has been hard, but I cheer myself on when the temptations are there, and I get through them. If I slip, I am being pretty good about catching it early on and pulling back. Hard as it is.

The second point, I here and see the point your making. It was not alright. It did feel good to have someone approach me. I have not had any sexual relationship with this woman for about 15 years. So when my W and I met and got together, I avoided any contact with the OW, because I knew. I knew the temptation would be there, and I really wanted this M to work. I still do. I think I was in a vulnerable, lonely spot that night, and just feeling bad all around. believe me, that is where the guilt came from. I looked at it after and thought, what have I done. It was a helpless, giving up moment. Giving up on any chance of saving this, and I gave in to it. I did back off, and really don't want to be that person. She is not engaged, but she is in a relationship, I know that's not that point.

I also get the "what if your W to do some snooping" point. I say this half joking that I would not mind her showing that interest. Again, point taken. I just keep walking.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2432949
02/23/14 03:59 AM
02/23/14 03:59 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
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D2ndday  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
The W was home, and asked about my day, I told her, and I asked about hers. She is being pretty talkative, and it is hard. I feel like the line between, being friendly and detaching get blurred for me sometimes. She is talking, and my eyes cant help but wander. I notice she still wears her ring. She is wearing a necklace I gave her, with pendant, but I notice there is a second pendant on there as well. I wanted to know what it was. I also notice she is wearing another ring on another finger. I had to keep making myself focused on what she was talking about, because I just keep thinking. I mean she is talking and I am thinking, how much I care about her. I think how is she talking to me so matter of fact. Like nothing is happening. That I am torn up, and that having a casual conversation is not normal.

This is why I struggle with these talks. Don't be her friend but be friendly, detatch and GAL which to me can me going to another room to do the things for me. But don't avoid her or seem sour. I feel like sometimes I am juggling, and have to focus so hard on what is right, but don't trust my instincts! LOL.

I don't know, I sit here now, and I think, stop thinking!! LOL. I have a hard time when I am face to face with. I have a hard time when I am alone. I start letting all this suck me in and overwhelm me. And it feels hopeless at that point. It just takes me time to regain calmness, and be where I am right this moment. To go do something just to distract me. I have gotten pretty aware when I am headed down a sad, or snoopy road, and pull back. Hanging in there for now.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2432970
02/23/14 01:04 PM
02/23/14 01:04 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 141
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trying very hard Offline
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 141
D2,

I can completely identify with you sitch. I was separated under the same roof for 5 months before I finally moved out in January. I thought that I had detached only to realize that I had only gotten closer in some respects and started to give myself false hope. The time together was extremely difficult for all the reasons you site above. It was hard to be friendly and detach without appearing cold sometimes which created conflict. I never truly relaxed in my own home because of her texting and ongoing communication with the OM. Totally my issue but I couldn't block it from my mind. And I snooped like crazy. And every new discovery crushed me like a ton of bricks. W eventually figured me out and started to plant things or so I suspect, so I had to stop. Focusing on myself and following Sandi's rules got me through it.

I have a long way to go but I know that my time apart from W will help the progression forward. So for me the physical separation has been key to my growth. Hopefully W will learn to miss me, but if she doesn't I have learned how to live on my own again. I wish you the best! Be strong!


Me 49/W 44
T 18/M 16
D 14
S 12
BD 8/18/13
Sep Agrmt signed 12/23/13
I moved out 1/20/14
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