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A Message from Michele
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Can I still save this? #2424266
01/19/14 06:18 PM
01/19/14 06:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
I found out about his affair on January 2nd. We've been married for 7 years and together for 10. Our marriage was great at the beginning; we would talk, do things together, travel, go out. Just few years ago, we decided to start a family. At the same time, my H got injured at work and is still unable to work. e is recently in school and should be finishing in a month. We struggled with infertility and debt, and eventually, pushed each other way. A few months ago, he started sleeping on the couch and I noticed his mood changed. He said he was depressed and I urged him to seek professional help. He was in the middle of exams at school, and he satrted getting busier and not come home right way. He kept saying he had a study group, and I was sure that was the case since he was in mid-terms. The holidays came and everything was just as before, but i still felt he was distant. He was still on the couch.
On January 2nd i decided I'd talk to him again, if we should seek help, and see if he was planning to see a psychiatrist for his own depression. That is when he told me he had an affair; he slept with a girl from his study group twice and said he was confused about us. She was going through a separation with her husband as well. He agreed to go to counseling to see if it could help clear his head as to what he wanted to do. The first week after that first session was awkward, as the counselor said that he should stop talking to her. He "said" he had done so and even asked his teachers to change groups. I backed off and decides to give him space, not ask any questions till our next session, which was this last Friday.
This session was different, as although he said he was still confused, he admitted that he didn't want to give our relationship a try and wanted to be with her. He insisted that he couldn't see how we can fix our relationship..so no more counseling. The next stage would be separation or divorce. Either way, I told him I am not leaving the house and he has nowhere to go either; we couldn't afford to live alone either way. My questions is, do I take the steps to divorce? Do i seek a lawyer, a real estate agent? This is overwhelming because although he said he wants out, he would never take the steps to get out and i can't live with someone who's in love with someone else, as much as i want to save this marriage. What next? I picked up DR on Friday and I'm halfway through the book but I'm uncertain how to apply the techniques when I know he wants out..is there even a chance to save this or do I just give him what he wants?


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2424457
01/20/14 05:35 PM
01/20/14 05:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,999
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Posts: 7,999
Originally Posted By: TipAnna

He insisted that he couldn't see how we can fix our relationship..so no more counseling.


MC usually doesn't help in the case of a WAS, so that's not really surprising. It helps when the couple gets to the "piecing" phase, but not before that.

Quote:
Either way, I told him I am not leaving the house and he has nowhere to go either; we couldn't afford to live alone either way. My questions is, do I take the steps to divorce?


No, it's way too soon for that. You and he both need lots of time and space to think things through. It's going to be many months before you're in an emotional state that's steady enough for you to decide if you want to pursue D.

Quote:
Do i seek a lawyer, a real estate agent?


If you have any concerns that your H will do something crazy like drain the bank accounts then consult a L to see what you might need to do do protect yourself.

Quote:
I picked up DR on Friday and I'm halfway through the book but I'm uncertain how to apply the techniques when I know he wants out


Ummm, well that's what DR is all about, every single one of us is here on these forums because our spouse wants out. Did you read the chapter on "it takes one to tango"? That's the whole idea, one spouse can do things to try and save the M even when the other spouse is 100% "done".


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: AnotherStander] #2424510
01/20/14 08:18 PM
01/20/14 08:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
All this is very confusing; and if that was not enough, my emotions are everywhere! I fell like I'm living in turmoil..
I seriously need to learn how to detach..

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
No, it's way too soon for that. You and he both need lots of time and space to think things through. It's going to be many months before you're in an emotional state that's steady enough for you to decide if you want to pursue D.


Apparently, D is very clear for him..

I was under the impression that if I am to make him believe that I am moving on, and play the "as if", that I should simply let him go, give him what he wants..

So, if I understood correctly, I don't bring it up, act like he never asked for a D, and even if he brings it up again, I simply say "if that's what you want" but do not take any further action..?? huh...

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Ummm, well that's what DR is all about, every single one of us is here on these forums because our spouse wants out. Did you read the chapter on "it takes one to tango"? That's the whole idea, one spouse can do things to try and save the M even when the other spouse is 100% "done".


It makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone, and thank you all for your insight!!


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


(NA) Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2424534
01/20/14 10:03 PM
01/20/14 10:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
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KarenR Offline
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Posts: 477
There are things you can do and say that can bring him closer and not push him further away. That is the benefit of talking to a DB coach, as they are experts in helping you come up with a specific plan and having someone in your corner guiding you how to stay strong and on track. It is true that there is usually one partner more motivated than the other to make things work. But, hundreds of these couples get back on track and have learned the skills and techniques to have the relationship you both want. I urge you to talk to a coach and get started on the right track. Take good care.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting« Coach.
(NA) Re: Can I still save this? [Re: KarenR] #2424564
01/21/14 12:16 AM
01/21/14 12:16 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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2chiquitos Offline
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2chiquitos  Offline
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Posts: 1,167
I agree with Karen. Talk to a coach. It helps. a lot.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
(NA) Re: Can I still save this? [Re: 2chiquitos] #2424644
01/21/14 01:21 PM
01/21/14 01:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Posts: 54
Yesterday was different..he is being kind and thanking me for everything (supper, making him lunch, taking care of the garbage). I simply say "welcome" and do not engage in further conversation.

His last monologue was "I don't know how my life got this way; I don't want to be one of those guys who goes from girl to girl; I really thought you where the one..". I just listened and then told him that he should really see a doctor for his depression..to which he replied "I find that we are now communicating better"..

What frustrates me is that he is acting like nothing is going on when he's home. He comes home, says "hi, how was your day", sits to watch TV, walks the dog with me.. He once said he didn't want to end it badly like his parents did, he wants to be friends..so I am thinking he is faking all of this till he is done with school in February and then he leaves..!!

This morning he said "the dog looks down, might be the vibe in the house". I felt like screaming "YOU DID THIS", but I just bit my tongue, said "bye" and walked out the door..

I am trying hard to stay busy and keep with my daily routine, while all the time being vague and dismissive (LRT)..but I am also very confused by his behavior; it would be so much easier if he just said, I am filing for D, or planning to move out, or any hint to his future plans..but he doesn't talk about it and I don't bring it up..I just don't want to be surprised in the end and be served or he picks up and leaves..I feel I need to be prepared for that day, and I'm debating just beating him to the punch..leave, see a lawyer, do something, instaed of living in limbo..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2424760
01/21/14 07:16 PM
01/21/14 07:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,999
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 7,999
Originally Posted By: TipAnna

Apparently, D is very clear for him..


They all act like that initially, but if you can remove the pressure he may drop it. It's been 5 months since my W said she filed and was bringing the paperwork over "next week". Still haven't gotten anything. Lots of similar stories on these forums.

Quote:
So, if I understood correctly, I don't bring it up, act like he never asked for a D, and even if he brings it up again, I simply say "if that's what you want" but do not take any further action..?? huh...


Yes, exactly. When you quit talking about it then they don't feel pressure anymore, and they're not in such a hurry to act.

Quote:
Yesterday was different..he is being kind and thanking me for everything (supper, making him lunch, taking care of the garbage). I simply say "welcome" and do not engage in further conversation.


Good! But we don't call it a roller coaster for nothing, just get ready because he'll swing back and forth a lot.

Quote:
What frustrates me is that he is acting like nothing is going on when he's home. He comes home, says "hi, how was your day", sits to watch TV, walks the dog with me.. He once said he didn't want to end it badly like his parents did, he wants to be friends..so I am thinking he is faking all of this till he is done with school in February and then he leaves..!!


This too is pretty common. A lot of WAS's will even engage in affairs and still go home to their "regular" life and act like nothing is any different. It's important not to quit DB'ing though, because things are definitely NOT getting better. It's also important not to have any expectations because it'll just lead to disappointment.

Quote:
I just don't want to be surprised in the end and be served or he picks up and leaves..I feel I need to be prepared for that day, and I'm debating just beating him to the punch..leave, see a lawyer, do something, instaed of living in limbo..


I think most of us can sympathize with that feeling, we feel like we've lost control of our own lives and we feel like we need to take control back again. And you can, by just putting the marriage on the back burner and focusing on YOU. Get out, GAL, work on yourself, give him time and space. Be patient with him and with yourself, you've got plenty of time, so use it smile


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: AnotherStander] #2424824
01/21/14 11:08 PM
01/21/14 11:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
Yesterday might have been different but today got worse...he just texted to tell me he was "staying at a friend's tonight"...I replied "ok"..

I'm lost for words..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2424968
01/22/14 04:24 PM
01/22/14 04:24 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
Turns out the "friend" was the OW. When he cam home this morning, he calmly told me that she asked him if he wanted to spend the night and he said yes. When I asked why, he said she makes him happy, and he is really confused and depressed right now..I confronted him by saying that I can't be in a marriage between three; he said he could not reply to that, cause he's not sure what is going on in his head or with him no more; he's simply unhappy..I told him he should then seek help, like he said he wanted too instead of using her as a pick me up..

He left again..I'm looking into filing for separation..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2424973
01/22/14 04:39 PM
01/22/14 04:39 PM
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 355
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dingo Offline
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dingo  Offline
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Posts: 355
Sorry you are her TA. It [censored] a lot when your stability and what you thought was your future gets torn from you.

With respect to filing for separation, please take time to think about what you really want and what you can/will tolerate before you act. If your husband came home tomorrow and said he was sorry for his mistakes, would you take him back? If so, and if you still want to stand for your marriage, then please please please do not file for anything - let him do it if/when thats what he wants or you do it with you are 100% sure that's what you want. By 100% sure, i mean with a rational mind, not an emotional one.

Believe everyone here when they say time is on your side and do not do anything to accelerate the timeline. Even after a D is filed, there is still time. I made the mistake of filing during an emotional time. Both as a tactic to get my wife to re-commit to the marriage. I was emotional and thought I would fire back and take control of my life again. It failed miserably and now we are that much further along. Furthermore, I acted instead of making her responsible for what she wants.

Do not do anything until you are really ready.


Me:38 W:39
No Children
BD: 5/13
EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13
W Moved out 12/13
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