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Originally Posted By: GreyMatter
gosh learn to piece properly?? what do you mean by that?
I need to learn these things.... trying to absorb as much about piecing as possible! please elaborate!


There's a bunch of things specific to my situation(find out what is specific to your situation and work on those!!) but there are some general things that I did not do. I thought I was being patient but I was not. After a few months I just assumed we were as strong as ever. The way I see it now, our r was on very fragile ground and I didn't treat it like that. I thought I wasn't rushing things but looking back I did.

One huge mistake I did was I focused all my energy on how to fix us. I tried so hard to fix how to communicate. That's a huge mistake. I shouldve focused on everything or at least on other things. My ex wanted to live the relationship and not talk about it. I was confused by that at the time. I easily could've continued learning or reading on the side but instead I became a bit resentful because I thought she didn't want to try. I could've just enjoyed the relationship like she suggested and worked by myself on the side.

Another huge mistake was our counselor. It felt like every time we went there we were happy, but when we left we felt angry. If I ever get another chance I will definitely seek a counselor who is pro marriage and offers solution based therapy. Our "problems" were so easy to fix but our counseling sessions were basically us talking back and forth with no progress forward. No solutions. Just a bunch of he said she said. Or our feelings are valid. Where were the solutions?!?! It would've helped so much if our counselor said "what's an issue?", and then "well, let's try this or that". I know it's probably not as easy as that but I'm sure it would've benefitted us more than just talking about our feelings and saying they were valid.

I'm sure there are a lot more to piecing but those are things for my situation that would've helped. Bad luck also screwed us up. My ex wanted to get a IC but their communication via email was so bad that she just gave up. She couldn't even get scheduling done right for her first appointment and sadly that counselor was the only one available at the centre we went to. Sure my ex couldve gone somewhere else but she was still a scared squirrel and I thought that couples counseling was a good first step.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
Joined: Oct 2013
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ok wow, thanks - this fits my sitch very well atm so I'm going to copy this and paste in my thread if you don't mind, I'll need to look back on it. That's where we are at right now. It's been almost 2 months of me not 'talking' and its doing my head in. I realise he hates it and refuses to do it - he is one of those 'live in the moment' types - always has been. But I like to talk things out so I feel like I need to just make sure my IC is regular. It's all about gathering as much info as possible isn't it? Thank you for being an inspiration to the ones following behind you.


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Me 32 H 32
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S 11mth

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Hi Grey. I was going to suggest that you post and read through the Piecing Forum but then I see that you have and unfortunately you aren't getting the responses you want. Unfortunately, I haven't reached that stage so I don't have any specific pointers for you. But like Labug posted in your thread, you will find some answers if you keep digging: check out the archives, read DR because the 7-steps are pretty much (veterans correct me if I'm wrong) the steps needed to piece together your new relationship, and continue using this community...don't get discouraged due to the lack of response. We (me and 2ndtime) know how you feel about that, I posted about it last week. Keep posting in your thread so that when I get to my piecing stage I can refer to your story for inspiration. God bless you and your family through this.

Now, to give 2x some feedback, you know since this is his thread smile. I am so glad that you shared where you went wrong in your piecing process. Like Grey said, it helped and will help others. On another note, what have you been doing for yourself lately? Any new things to aid in you GAL? How's your S? I didn't know how to respond to your previous posts about the recent roller coaster ride your W took you on, so I prayed about it. I think she's using "family time" as a bait to lure you into her craziness. She knows you love her and she is taking advantage of that. Remember, the going dark (dim, in your case) and GAL steps are for you to separate yourself from your spouse so that she can go through whatever it is that she needs to go through alone and for you to go through your own demons. That way you won't get "taken for a ride" and she won't be able to continue to put blame on you. So, when her R with Mr. Amazing blows up, she can't blame it on you, because you weren't around to sabotage it. Just some food for thought. God bless you and your family as well.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
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"ok wow, thanks - this fits my sitch very well atm so I'm going to copy this and paste in my thread if you don't mind, I'll need to look back on it. That's where we are at right now. It's been almost 2 months of me not 'talking' and its doing my head in. I realise he hates it and refuses to do it - he is one of those 'live in the moment' types - always has been. But I like to talk things out so I feel like I need to just make sure my IC is regular. It's all about gathering as much info as possible isn't it? Thank you for being an inspiration to the ones following behind you."

No problem! Copy and paste away! I had to laugh a bit, I'm not sure I'm an inspiration to anyone:( Even though im not a god person(is that a respectful way of saying that?), I really appreciate your prayers. That was a very thoughful thing to do. Thank you very much!! I'm really glad you found my info useful. That makes me feel good. Just keep remembering this beginning phase is super fragile. Never build up resentment, your h will probably frustrate you, but be the bigger person; always(at least til the relationship is stronger). Work on things in the background while your h lives in the moment. He may open up and talk about how to improve the relationship and that's great but if he wants to continue living in the moment let him. If you change he will change to. I'll have to visit your thread and check up on you.


"On another note, what have you been doing for yourself lately? Any new things to aid in you GAL? How's your S?"

Hey dylis, hope you're doing ok.

Well I've slowed down on the going out and replaced it with playing more guitar. I've neglected that thing for a while and I'm super rusty. I've been writing a few songs and I really like the way they are coming along. One of my songs has words(no I'm not a good singer) and the other is just instrumental so far. I'm not much of a poet but it's still fun to write lyrics. I should maybe take some guitar lessons but money is tight right now.

I've started working for another buddy of mine who owns his own electrical company and got offered to work a couple days next week for another company. Hopefully that company pans out and they offer me steadier employment. That's the thing with trades, sometimes it's slow and you don't work as much as you'd like.

My son is doing awesome. He's so funny. I think he's going through a growth spurt. He's an eating machine lately. I gave him a long bath today because he loves playing with his batman figurine in there. He went swimming with the ex on Wednesday. Surprisingly she came over for a late dinner/snack. I didnt even invite her she just came over. Well, actually I picked them up from the pool and she hopped in the drivers seat while I was buckling up our son. She just ended up driving to my place and came in. I didnt say anything and acted normal. We had a good time doing family stuff. She even did the dishes(small déjà vu).


"I think she's using "family time" as a bait to lure you into her craziness. She knows you love her and she is taking advantage of that."

I'm not sure she's baiting me into her craziness. She claims to be "happy" right now with captain awesome. I think she thinks she's happy and is comfortable being around me somewhat. I'm still pretty sure she has no clue what she's doing or thinking or feeling.

"So, when her R with Mr. Amazing blows up, she can't blame it on you, because you weren't around to sabotage it."

If it's anything like last time, she won't blame me but blame guys in general. When it blows up she'll say guys are douchbags. Also, last time she praised me for being such a stand up guy even though I was the ex.

But that's enough mind reading about her today. On a side note she is taking our son both Friday night and Saturday night. I don't care about why she has those nights off, but I really care that she will have our son for 2 nights!! He needs to bond with his mommy.

Today was a dim day. No interactions with the ex but i'll see her tomorrow when I drop my son off.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 369
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Sorry, I just realized it was dylis who sent the prayers. Thank you very much! My bad, I feel embarrassed thanking the wrong person and now I have to retract my thanks and send them to the right person, but that would be awful to do that so I'll just say I appreciate both of you and everyone else who has supported me.

Seriously, why is there no edit button!!! I do this from my phone and it's a pain to re read sometimes.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
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Originally Posted By: 2ndTimeHurt

Anyway, i have another question for you As or anybody else who wants to chime in. Since Ive already experienced a reconciliation and I'm familiar with what one is "supposed" to do, is it considered a game or manipulation employing "tactics" to get another reconciliation? Let me clarify. I know I'm supposed gal, have PMA, detach, etc. Even dating was a part of the process. I did eventually become detached when she came back but everything I did including time passing enabled me to get there. I know all those things are for me only and a reconciliation may or may not be a by-product. So if I know I have to gal, PMA, detach, eventually date; does that mean I'm playing a game or manipulating?


It all depends on your motivation. WHY are you GAL'ing and detaching, is it a tactic to get your W back? Or is it because you want to make yourself a better, more independent person? Let me give you an example- early in my sitch I told my W I was going out, then I went out to eat and had a couple of drinks by myself. I intentionally waited as long as I could so that I would get home after W. I walked in hoping she would ask where I was and who I was with (she did neither). ^^^NONE of that is detaching or GAL'ing. That was 100% tactics, I was doing it purely to "wake" W up. Looking back I just can't believe the desperate things I did early on, it's borderline embarrassing to even think about them, much less discuss them.

So, if you're doing things thinking "maybe if I do X and Y then she'll start to notice my differences, but if I do Z then she won't like that so I better not to it." Well that's not GAL, that's tactics. WAS's can see right through tactics, it makes them think "same old controlling LBS, just doing that crap to try and lure me back and get their way."

But if you think "I've never tried X, Y and Z and I would really love to, so I'm going for it!" Well THAT is GAL. And THAT is what you should do and how you should approach things. Your W should not even be a consideration in your GAL efforts, they are for YOU and YOU alone.

Quote:
I ask this because even after the first time I became fully detached I still knew if my ex came back I would want to try again.


And that's fine! You can detach and GAL and still have hope for your sitch. That doesn't necessarily mean you're GAL'ing as a tactic.

Quote:
It feels like I may be playing a game/manipulating(maybe those arent the right words) because I've been down this road before and I sorta know what to expect.


Drop the expectations. There's no reason to expect it'll play out the same as last time. It probably won't. I'm not saying you won't reconcile, just saying if you do it'll likely be a different journey than it was last time.

Quote:
Maybe I'm supposed just do all these things for myself(regardless of what anyone thinks, including myself), not think of any outcome or what she's doing and if reconciliation is that by-product again so be it?


Exactly! smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks As.

Ill admit some of the things I do have multiple angles to them. For instance, having family time. It's super important for me to do that regardless of outcome. At the same time if it creates a wedge between her and cool guy then I'm for that too.

As for the gal'ing, the reason I lied before was to create mystery. Stupid I know but there isn't much mystery to me in her mind. She knows I have our son pretty much 100% of the time. Not much mystery there. The other stuff I do as far as gal'ing is concerned is strictly for me. I don't think by me playing guitar or lifting weights is going to make her come back.


"Drop the expectations. There's no reason to expect it'll play out the same as last time. It probably won't. I'm not saying you won't reconcile, just saying if you do it'll likely be a different journey than it was last time."

What I meant by "expect" was that both you and I and everyone here knows what to do. We expect to come out happy regardless of the outcome. We know "if" our was's come back they want to come back to a happy and confident person. But like you said, do everything I do for myself and forget about everything else. Man, I gotta stop talking in circles. Actually it helps to do that. Haha.

Thanks again As. Also how do you define going dim? There is less grey area to going dark but it seems to me that going dim has a larger grey area. I guess it depends on the situation?


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,149
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Well going dark is initiating no contact at all and only responding to contact as minimally necessary to discuss financial issues. Going dark is really only possible if there are no kids involved. Going dim is basically going as dark as possible with the understanding that you have to maintain a certain level of contact because of the kids. Someone here used to say "keep all contact to bills and boys" which is kind of going dim in a nutshell. You've got to maintain contact to coordinate dropping off/ picking up/ school projects/ homework/ sporting events/ practices/ unexpected costs/ medical issues/ medication/ etc. etc. I know that in my case that is quite a bit of required contact, almost to the point where I don't know if I'd even call it "dim" in my case.

Some people say they are dim/ dark with their live-in WAS, but I just don't think it's possible when under the same roof.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2013
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I agree As. Going dim is not really going dim I'm my case. More like turning the lights on and off, with night lights on and some flashlights. I guess it really does depend on the situation. When there are no kids involved, disappearing seems so easy. That's what I used to do until my current ex.

Anyway, not much to report today other than I'm dropping our son off in a bit. Then I gotta pick him up at 8 am because she has some work training. She will take him tomorrow night as well. I'm happy for them. They need some quality time together.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 369
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 369
Oh I feel awful. I had a late night last night and forgot to set my alarm. My ex called me 18 times but my ringer was off. I feel so bad. She was an hour late for work training.

One good thing is that when I was apologizing she said that she is not mad at me because this is highly unlike me. She was more worried about disrupting the meeting. Man I feel awful.

I'm not sure how I can make it up to her.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
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