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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,945
Southern Maryland
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Southern Maryland
It appears that you had quite the weekend, a weekend to learn how to rely on yourself and how to deal w/the many obstacles that have crossed your path.

I can understand the anger and annoyance, but maybe it's time to take a look at your situation, since your mother has indicated that she can't babysit anymore last minute. Think about it, how many times have you called her last minute? Your mother may have had plans in the past and had to change them to take care of your little one. Maybe it's time to put a back up plan in place in case you need someone last minute and no one else is available. Not smacking your hands or being harsh, but maybe people are starting to feel a bit "used" at the last minute and have to change their plans to accommodate your needs. I'm glad someone stepped up to the plate to take care of your little one. Sometimes God works in mysterious ways.

One more lesson for you....keep your expectations at zero or very low, especially w/your h. If it wasn't his weekend to have your daughter, then you shouldn't have expected him to be in town or to notify you that he was out of town, if you are separated. As a general courtesy rule, yes, it would have been nice to be informed, but he didn't...however, he had his phone so that you could call him in case of an emergency.

Yes, you are angry and that's one of the stages of grief. You are going to be angry at every little thing for quite a while...but you'll need to rein that anger in when dealing w/others. As for the insurance company switch, when searching for a therapist, call around and ask if they are solution based. If they aren't...then you should continue looking around. Some therapists are very good and then, they are others that figure since you are separated, the life is going south, per se and a divorce will come. Some don't recognize MLC at all and others do. Ask questions before you make an appointment, if you get the opportunity. Do a search of the practice and see what's out there on the internet about said practice.

I'm going to ask a question that may anger you...but the two ladies that didn't attend the Saturday evening meet up...have you been discussing your situation w/them? Have you been complaining to them? If so, they may have opted not to meet up because they didn't want to hear about the situation again. If that is the case, it's best to choose one friend to lean on to discuss your situation.

Take a good, long, hard look in the mirror...you are not a victim...you need to get stronger and more independent and yes, you are a survivor.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2013
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Hey dylis

It does sound like quite the weekend. It really is a pain getting a counselor/therapist that isn't on the same page as you. I find that soon to be ex comment pretty insulting actually. I'm glad you found some positives. There's always a positive in every situation.

I wonder if you're slowly moving on from shock? Maybe you were just having an off day.

Gotta go, my son wants to play choo choo train;)


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Florida
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Originally Posted By: job
Not smacking your hands or being harsh, but maybe people are starting to feel a bit "used" at the last minute and have to change their plans to accommodate your needs.


I did come to that realization a little while ago. That's why two weeks ago I held a family meeting letting them know when and how I would need their help. I had them pretty much volunteer for when they can step in, my mom chose to be babysitter for Friday night, and the sister who I called was the back up. And the cousins who I called after that were the back up of the back up. This is what we all agreed upon. But it goes to show that no matter how much you prepare, plans and arrangements can still fall through the cracks.

Originally Posted By: job
If it wasn't his weekend to have your daughter, then you shouldn't have expected him to be in town or to notify you that he was out of town, if you are separated...however, he had his phone so that you could call him in case of an emergency.


That's the other thing that bugs me, we don't have a schedule for him to have D. He just calls the day before and says I would like to have or see D or calls an hour before to swing by to see D (literally, he pops up says Hi, how was school, I love you, then leaves, no more than 5 minutes). I don't go out of my way to accommodate him and I don't always say yes because we have plans. He doesn't want to have a schedule he just wants to see her when he feels like it. But you're right just in case of emergency he did have and answered his phone, so I'll look at that as a positive.

As for the anger I haven't shown anyone my anger. With my mom I smiled, told her I understood, even cracked a joke for us to laugh about, and told her thanks. Honestly, the only place I've expressed my anger and annoyance is right here in this thread. Even with the IC, I smiled and tactfully changed the subject. I will definitely be asking the questions over the phone next time before I make an appointment.

Originally Posted By: job
I'm going to ask a question that may anger you...but the two ladies that didn't attend the Saturday evening meet up...have you been discussing your situation w/them? Have you been complaining to them? If so, they may have opted not to meet up because they didn't want to hear about the situation again. If that is the case, it's best to choose one friend to lean on to discuss your situation.


Don't worry Job, this did not anger me. They each heard my situation only once over a month ago, I haven't been complaining to them. It's the one who ended up coming who have kept abreast of my sitch. The others ask how am I doing once in a while and ask how is D doing and has she seen H, and I just answer them. Good, she's good, not really or no or not since whenever. They do the complaining for me. Lol. But one of them is happily married and maybe my sitch dampens her bliss (newlyweds) and the other has her own difficult sitch right now, her boyfriend has been hospitalized with cancer (another purpose for the outing was for her to get away as well). So although I was annoyed there's no way I'm ever going to tell them that I was disappointed. I just think that the other two treat the one as the ring leader and whatever she does or say they follow. Something I've been battling with internally throughout our friendships. We've all been friends since middle school. But that's a whole other story and this post is just as long as my last one.

Originally Posted By: job
Take a good, long, hard look in the mirror...you are not a victim...you need to get stronger and more independent and yes, you are a survivor.


All things I am working on since I found out about codependency.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Florida
Dylis Offline OP
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Posts: 52
Florida
I do think I am moving on from shock, if I'm not out of it yet. I believe it's the women's group and holywork assignments and this online community that's pulling me through; because they are, really, just for me.

Children laugh . Heading to play hide and seek with D after this last post. She's been asking for like 5 minutes now.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Florida
Dylis Offline OP
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Posts: 52
Florida
The week has been good. H came by Monday evening on his way back from Orlando to see D. He stayed for about 15 minutes. The usual conversation with D...how are you, how was school, what are you learning this week, etc. This time around I was a little hospitable/welcoming: offered him a drink (he said no thank you), must have seemed more welcoming because he actually sat down on the couch this time, and instead of receiving just a peck on the cheek hello and goodbye I also received a hug hello and I gave him a hug goodbye. He opened up and talked about his business a little, how he was able to make some sales and that he's expecting a good pay out in March the latest. He also said that he would use this "pay out" to pay the back rent for me and D, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. I've already made plans and arrangements to get that squared away this month and if he does happen to pull through, I'll probably prepay rent with it. He asked could he have D for the weekend and I asked him to define weekend. If he finds an extra bed he would like to have her Friday night through Saturday evening, if not, just Saturday. Again, no expectations, especially since he hasn't confirmed with me about the weekend. So I'm making plans as if he's not going to show and if he shows or calls hopefully we're not in the middle of our plans. But if we are, he'll just have to schedule for some other time.

Well that's been all my excitement for the week and that was from Monday. Going to do some holywork from my group study and then heading to bed early. I got a migraine attack today at work and had problems seeing, my sister had to pick me up because I couldn't drive (we both suffer from them, so she knows how I feel), so I know my body needs the rest. And the only other thing I can think of to share is that I miss my in-laws and it's weird calling them in-laws because I call them, in our language, mom, dad, sisters, and niece. I pray that God will give them the ability to forgive me one day.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 369
Member
Offline
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 369
I just wanted to thank you on your thread for your prayers on my thread. If you read my last post you'll see the goof I made. Oops.

Seems like life is pretty drama free for you right now regarding your h.

I can't remember but do you have trust issues with your h regarding your d?

Sorry to hear about your migraine. I've never heard of anybody having troubles seeing. That seems pretty serious.

Did you play hide and seek today. Hehe.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Florida
Dylis Offline OP
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Posts: 52
Florida
I do have trust issues with him and D. I don't think he can be with her more than 12 hours doing nothing or doing everything. He doesn't take care of her. He plays with her and feed her, but that's about it. He won't bathe her, brush her teeth, get her ready for bed, get her ready for the day...he just, IDK, use her for show. This was the case even before the separation. His perspective is that I am mommy and mommy does everything child related. So all this stuff of him needing to be with her is a facade. He wants to show the world that he's a good dad...but good dad hasn't been with dear daughter in two weeks. Last time he spent more than 15 minutes with D was two weeks ago Saturday. Hmph and he wants "shared responsibility". God forbid anything happens to my daughter while she's with him because he won't know her blood type, her allergy, what medication she's taking, etc. And it's not that he was never told, it's just not necessary for him to know because mommy knows. You know he told on me. He went to my mother one day and complained that I wasn't bathing our daughter every day and she actually confronted me about it. So when I spoke to him about it, I asked, "On the days that I didn't bathe our daughter, how many days did you?" And he sat there in silence. He just sees her out of convenience and when she is no longer convenient he brings her back to mommy. And now that we're living apart I fear that when she becomes inconvenient and I'm too far to get to, he might just leave it to someone else to watch her. Whoever is conveniently there.

But that's something I'm working on and turning over to God. He can't prove to be trustworthy if I don't give him a chance. So we'll start off small and work our way up to longer and farther away visits.

No hide and seek, we've been riding the big wheel.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
US
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Posts: 2,202
US
Dylis, so sorry to hear that your H is not taking care of your D. My first xh was like that. He wanted nothing to do with my son, except to use him for show. This were my exact words to described it. I accepted it at the time, I knew he was not a good Dad. We both were very young. I think he stepped up it a bit in his 3-rd marriage. I donít know the details, but Iíve heard that he was more involved with his daughter. Your H might need some growing to do regarding being a good Dad. Meantime, it is up to you to decide if you can trust him to have your D for longer periods of time.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Florida
Dylis Offline OP
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Posts: 52
Florida
He sent a text this morning asking can he still get D this morning. I told him she will be getting her hair done and that she has a play date at 2:30. I said you didn't confirm if you were coming or not. Then he calls. I did a quick prayer to tame my tongue, then answered. He asks me what's a play date? So I explain. Then he says is the child a boy? No, it's a girl and then I gave him the girl's name, her mother's name, and told him I've known the mother since childhood. Then he goes on to say that he didn't confirm for Friday you know because of the extra bed thing, but he did plan to be with her today (Saturday). I told him but you didn't confirm, all you said was that you wanted and Monday was the last time we talked about it at all. He never gave me a time, does Saturday mean all day or just a few hours, and if he did confirm then he wouldn't have had to send me a text that same morning wondering can he come and get her. Then I finally spoke out about the time he said he wanted to pick D up from school, when he didn't confirm if he was still going to or not, when I received a call from her school at 5:45 saying daddy hasn't picked her up yet, when I had to scurry over to the school before 6pm so that I wouldn't be charged late pick up fees, when he finally calls (without an apology) at 8pm that he's on his way home from Orlando can I swing by and see D, and then I let him. I didn't say all this to him of course, I'm just painting the picture for you guys. Of course, he didn't know what I was talking about...how convenient. So I placed in some memory stamps and then he remembered and said oh. He sounds annoyed but says okay how about tomorrow? I say sure, after church. Church is over at 12:30pm, we will be home at 1pm. He said, he'll be there at 1:15pm.

I learned my lesson a while ago, so now it's his turn. We'll see what happens. Hopefully it won't backfire in any way.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Florida
Dylis Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Florida
Thank you BrightFuture. I just wish that I had enough grounds to, if this divorce was to be finalized (which of course I don't want), convince the court that visitation should be supervised or done in my home. I don't know if you read my previous posts but he plans to move to Haiti and wants my D to visit him there on occasion. Although we've spoken about it and he tried to assure me that she will be safe and in his care, I just can't get okay with it. Call it women's intuition, mother's instincts, whatever...I don't trust him enough. But I need proof because the courts won't decide on hearsay.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
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