Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
D
Dylis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
After reading some posts through the forums it looks like H is an MLCer, at the mere age of 30 at that. He moved out and left me with a 3 year old and all the household bills, which I'm now finding out, haven't been paid in months (the ones he was responsible for).

Before the forums, I came to the conclusion that he was running away from something, and boy is he really running away -- out of the country in fact. I read an older post "My Thoughts on Why They Run Away During Their Crisis" and although my H wasn't physically or mentally abused (that I know of), I believe his parents did emotionally distance themselves from him and devalued him. He has a lot of the traits listed in that post: depression, lack of confidence, sense of unworthiness, the self medicating, etc. He once told me that I show him too much love and that I should stop it. Maybe because he doesn't know how or can't reciprocrate it, so he can't handle me loving him. IDK.

The crises: his business failing, overwhelmed with finances, unable to give his family (me and D) what he believes they deserve (but not what they ask for), his parents calling him a failure and telling him that what he has is not good enough. The trigger: a really bad fight between the two of us that ended with a domestic violence arrest.

So he just wants to add the "end of our marriage" to his long list of failures and move on; not realizing that he hasn't failed and that it's not as easy to just move on. I just want him to believe in himself as much as I believe in him.

I miss him dearly.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the MLC board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.

I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Woops replace she with he above, you get the general idea.

Most important read and POST


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
D
Dylis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Originally Posted By: Cadet

Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power


How has H given me the gift of time? He hasn't filed for D yet but he and his lawyer are making moves. He's already attended a parenting class, we're negotiating the marital settlement agreement, I'm getting a "Waiver of Service" some time this week because lawyer told me she's putting it in the mail today. What time do I have? I've read DR and I'm doing the LRT. I've detached, gone dim (not dark because of D), I don't initiate contact, I don't always answer or respond to his phone calls/texts, I'm GAL and have been receiving IC, putting focus on me and D. We've only been separated for a little over two months and once the petition is filed it can be over in two months. So how is he giving me time? Shouldn't I be creating the time? And how can I do that? And I wish I was off moderation and that folks could respond faster because again I feel like I don't have time.

You might be thinking "patience" now, but my being patient and doing "nothing" could lead me to the D and not stopping it.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
No, Cadet is not referring to patience. He is referring to using your time wisely for you. Your h is out on the street doing whatever he needs to do to find himself. While he's doing that, you've been given the opportunity to work on you, i.e., to do the things that you've put on the back burner, as well as rediscovering the person you were pre-marriage.

Patience, on the other hand, is one of the ingredients we must either have or learn in order to walk this path.

Since your h appears to be moving very quickly in filing for a divorce, I will suggest that you protect your assets/financials, get your ducks in a row where it matters...your bank book. Make sure that you know about your joint accounts, credit cards, mortgage, etc. This is the time that you need to become familiar with what the laws are in your state when it comes to divorce and support for you and your child.

If he's made up his mind about divorce, as it appears from your posting, there is nothing at this time that will convince him to change his course of action. The more you try to convince him that this is too sudden or it's not the right thing to do, the more he's going to push forward. Yes, you can slow down the process, but it's costly.

I'm very sorry that you are here, but you are now a member of our little family. I'm sorry to see that things can move so quickly in your area. Try to keep the focus on you and your child as much as you can. I know you want to stop the divorce, but if he files, you won't be able to. He is the only one that can do that once he's filed.

Continue to post and I'll come back later to check on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Having time does not mean that you dont protect yourself.

Taking care of yourself and your children is the most important thing you can do.

Listen to Job, she understands this stuff the best.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I wanted to stop in and check to see how you are doing today.

Post when you get a chance.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 402
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 402
Dylis...first, so very sorry to "meet" you under these circumstances. BUT, you have come to a place that will save you! I promise you this! Cadet and job are AMAZING. Please carefully read everything they send your way.

I was totally devastated back in July/August when I found my way here. Then, I found out about my H's affair in October. I wouldn't have been able to pick myself up and move forward if it weren't for the people on this forum.

Your H seems to be moving extremely fast on the D. I don't have any advice for you on this, other than to protect yourself and your child!

And, they are right, NOTHING you can do or say will change his mind or magically make him want to stay right now. The more you try, the more he'll run the other way. You have to make yourself do exactly what feels wrong...you have to let go for now and work on you.

If you follow the "vets" advice on here, in a few months, you won't believe the growth and strength in yourself. But, for now, you must take it one minute...one hour...one day at a time. Dig deep within yourself and find the strength that is buried there.

This isn't going to be

Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 402
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 402
Sorry! I hit enter!

Anyway, this isn't going to be a "quick fix" like we all wish and hope for. It takes lots of time and work...but keep posting on here.

Come here when you need to vent or need some help or advice or just a virtual hug. The people here really care!

Ang

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
D
Dylis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 52
Thank you Angela, Job, and Cadet. I'm doing better since the last time I posted.

H has been calling at least once a day now for about a week and I haven't answered once. I figured if it was something important he would leave a message or text me and he hasn't. There was one time I picked up the call but I had my daughter answer, assumed it was she he was calling for anyway. I usually put the phone on speaker when the two of them are speaking, even before all of this occurred, because she's 3 and they both get lost in conversation, but this time around I didn't. They did their thing and when I heard her say goodbye, she handed me the phone, and I hung up. It was hard to do, but I did it, and I felt good about it.

Job, I got your message from my other thread. Will make sure to stick to one thread when posting. My original thread in the Newcomers forum lost traction so I posted in other areas for replies. Is there a way I can add the posts from that thread to this thread? Because parts to my story are there. Maybe I'll just copy and paste them.

We don't have any joint assets/accounts. We rented. And I've taken over all of the household bills. Getting a book today from public library that will put Florida law in layman's terms for me when it comes to my rights in all this. You should see the ridiculous time-sharing/parenting plan he and his atty conjured up. Oh and I did have an atty (a prepaid legal atty, so not necessarily my atty) consult with me and look over the initial paperwork I received in the mail.

I'll keep you all updated and thank you for the warm welcomes.


Me:28
H:30
D:3
M:6.5
T:7.5
BD: 10-27-13
H moved out: 11-01-13
Handling other paperwork before petition is to be filed.
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard