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Originally Posted By: melissag

1. I struggle a lot with the "irretrievably broken" concept myself. But when you get down to it, if one person believes this is true, and is unwilling to work on the M, then it truly is irretrievably broken, is it not?


I do sort of agree with this and thought this myself, I know that is the view the court will take but I still don't believe it is irretrievable so it is very difficult to agree to.

Originally Posted By: melissag

Make sure you are making these decisions with your head and not your heart


Not so sure about this, I sometimes think heart should rule.

This is not about winning my wife back this is doing what feels is right for me, because of my core values maybe, but I think I might regret it if I didn't do what felt right to me.


Me: 34, Wife: 34
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If it has negative consequences to having a relationship with your son then it's a trap. Be very careful. I would concentrate on making sure the divorce is fair, splitting things 50/50 and equal custody of the kids more than having a principle against the divorce itself. Don't waste energy trying to keep people who don't want to be a part of your life.


Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
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here in the US we have the term Irreconcilable differences. kind of the same thing. "we just can't get along" If one of the spouses feels that way, not sure why fight it. Just my 2 cents. Do you want to "force her to stay married" then what?


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
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It is true that I do have some deep routed beliefs & principles, yes, but possibly if it was worded differently I might be able to overlook those beliefs in favour of what seemed the right decision. However this is a hypothetical scenario as it is not worded differently and I am been accused of unreasonable behaviour and listed are specific things that either did not happen or are exaggerated. I can not agree to lies just because it is what my wife wants.


Me: 34, Wife: 34
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I completely agree with what everyone else is saying... But I think it's a process and you just aren't at peace yet. Perhaps you will get there, perhaps it will take awhile... I can sense that you feel like getting the papers was just too early. I'm so sorry. I too feel like I would fight it at this moment - but like everyone is saying, I am not sure what anyone would gain by that nor, do I think it would wake my H up to want to stay with me...

I like what you are saying about living in the present moment. I am working on that as well and I want to recommend a book to you that has been blowing me away... Along with DR, it's been super instrumental in helping me work on myself, "Emotional Chaos To Clarity" by Phillip Moffitt. You can also check out dharmawisdom.org for similar readings on many relevant topics discussed here.


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Originally Posted By: WB2014
I completely agree with what everyone else is saying... But I think it's a process and you just aren't at peace yet. Perhaps you will get there, perhaps it will take awhile... I can sense that you feel like getting the papers was just too early. I'm so sorry. I too feel like I would fight it at this moment - but like everyone is saying, I am not sure what anyone would gain by that nor, do I think it would wake my H up to want to stay with me...

I like what you are saying about living in the present moment. I am working on that as well and I want to recommend a book to you that has been blowing me away... Along with DR, it's been super instrumental in helping me work on myself, "Emotional Chaos To Clarity" by Phillip Moffitt. You can also check out dharmawisdom.org for similar readings on many relevant topics discussed here.



It's not necessarily that I am not at peace but it's that I am not willing to admit to something I haven't done, especially when that could have negative consequences regarding me keeping the house etc. It's also not about getting her to stay with me, It's doing what I will be happy with long term and will not regret.

Thanks for the recommendations.


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is there room to negotiate the terms or to word it as irreconcilable differences in some way? If the words are standing in your way, courts and legal proceedings often can change stuff.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
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Originally Posted By: paul19510
is there room to negotiate the terms or to word it as irreconcilable differences in some way? If the words are standing in your way, courts and legal proceedings often can change stuff.
My understanding is that lawyers will sometimes discuss the wording before they file the divorce petition to try and prevent it being defended. In this case that has not happened, the divorce petition has been filed without discussing the wording and I either agree to it or defend it at this stage.

I am not concerned about this though, defending it is something I want & need to do for my own peace

Originally Posted By: Lifes Twists
I went through a similar situation as your. My wife got a lawyer and filed for divorce. I was in the hospital at the time and my parents found a lawyer. He turned out to be a dud and the first hearing went my wife's way. I did a lot of research, found out that we could do a divorce without lawyers. I proposed this to wife since it was in the court system. Her response was to sick her lawyer on me.

My suggestion to you would be to ride out the first hearing without a lawyer. It will be to set temporary orders in place. You will be negotiating directly with her attorney on what will be payed in child support and a few other things. I would make sure you visitation established as well. Find a lawyer who will do just the child support calculations for you. You will just hire them for this purpose and not to represent you.

If she is accusing you of anything that can be used to prevent visitation be prepared to defend against it. Get yourself into IC immediately if you haven't.

After the first hearing you will be better prepared to determine if you need a lawyer. The goal for you will be to spend as little money as possible while your wife racks up lawyer bills and hopefully runs out and has to drop the whole divorce for lack of funds. Don't do anything to give her the idea that you are doing anything actively to cause this. Make sure you are always reasonable. Always let her lawyer know that you do not believe in divorce.

If you find you do need a lawyer then make sure to find one whose emphasis is on mediation and amicable divorce. Make sure they know you do not believe the marriage is irreparable and that you do not find divorce an acceptable option.

This is based on my own experience of the past year. My wife did run out of money to fund the divorce. My initial attorney my parents found was useless and I could have gotten the same results at the first hearing without spending a couple thousand dollars. We are now in a holding pattern, but things seem to be slowly improving.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Goo
Thank you very much for this post Lifes Twists, this is exactly the kind of position/approach I was planning to take & I appreciate your input.

However I am not sure my wife would run out of money though as her parents would just probably fund it if that happened.

Defending the divorce is something I need to do for my own peace of mind, doing anything else would & does not feel right & I believe following your instincts is more often the right choice rather than over thinking it.

I will attempt to go as far as possible without a lawyer, however if I really do get out of my depth I will obviously decide on this at the time.


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After finding some peace with myself & my situation over the Christmas & New Year period I am now really struggling with this again over the last few days since receiving the D papers. It is such a difficult pill to swallow.

I can think I am doing alright one minute and then the next minute I get a horrible sinking feeling & a knot in my stomach. I just keep cycling through this each day. I went to bed feeling good & woke up feeling terrible.

I also can't help thinking that all of this stress & heartache could be avoided if my wife would just give our marriage a chance & can't understand why she doesn't feel this would be the easiest option. I am constantly fighting the urge to try speak to her & get this across to her.


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F4MW,

I am so sorry that you received the D papers from W. We all get your perspective on why W wouldn't want to try to work things about with you, but she's on her own journey and feels that a divorce is necessary. People do reconcile after divorcing...I've read stories here, in the news, and heard it in real life as well.

It is just a piece of paper that says you are no longer husband and wife. Underneath is the emotions that shift and change over time. That is what drives couples to reconcile because the realize that a "divorce" does not change their problems nor make them go away. Eventually, they remember the essence of their spouses and they then start to miss them. Viola! They become friends, start dating again, reconcile, and remarry.

What do you want going forward in regard to W, F4MW? What is your vision here? How does that look like to you?

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