Mount Everest. STILL Forbidding. Aloof...

[Whiterose]

Great job on changing your course of anger and coming out of your room and getting what you needed to do done. He's noticed and that's good.....maybe, noticing means thinking?

So hard with the kids.....both of ours are so angry, rightly so, at their dad. What's a mom to do? Trying to work through our $hit and making sure that our kids are good and not wanting the bonds to break but not knowing what to say or do....it's a lot to process.

I hope, for your girls, he's thinking (or starting the road to thinking) about the damage done. Fathers are important......

Keep going!!!!

[LoisB]

Time for a little journaling...

I just got home from driving D19 back to school. I feel a mixed bag of emotions.

It's always hard to see the intact families driving their kids back. I feel angry and sad and frustrated and tired. Loading and unloading is a major chore and part of me just wants to send a GIANT F.U. to Smokey for leaving this in my lap.

There's always a bit of a pity party..."How many times have I made this damn trip and he hasn't been to visit ONCE. He goes on vacations, he lives without kids, he doesn't have to worry about how much toilet paper or shampoo D19 has..."

Well, we got to the dorm room and I sent D19 and D11 down to the car to pick up a few odds and ends. I closed the door and just sent a plethora of F.U's into the universe for Smokey to hear. My mom was with me and laughed and seconded the emotion. "I was just feeling the same thing!!!"

If felt good to say out loud... "F.U. Smokey. F.U. Smokey's Ho!!"

Anyway. I needed to get some of that outta my system.

Also, on the drive up, D19-who has been obsessed about where Smokey and MJ went on their "honeymoon vacation" this summer--brought up the possibility that they met the inlaws at a favorite vacation spot where we spent a lot of family time. I guess it was the combination of the resentment, possibility of another hurtful blow of truth, exhaustion and missing D19 that sent me into a spiral. I BD-type feelings in my gut.

We were so busy that I didn't have a chance to really let it all digest until we were on the way home and I tried to just face whatever it was. The nice part was that, by the time we were within 45 minutes of home, I felt like I had my center back and I wasn't obsessing.

It was a combo attack of emotions...

I'm sad about break being over. I had so much fun with both girls together. We laughed and spent lots of time playing and joking and eating and shopping, etc... I'm sad it's over. And, I felt sad that D19 looked so sad and little when I left. She always a rough transition.

I'm sad my H wasn't with us. I'm sad for the family we coulda been driving up together.

I'm tired. I have a lot going on right now and this trip--especially the in-between semesters lugging of stuff--takes a lot outta me. Packing, loading, loading into my mom's car, driving, unloading, unpacking, driving home... It's just a lot and I have a full week ahead of me.

That sums it up.

I'm ok. The day turned out OK. She is back and packed into her cute little dorm room. I'm so proud of her.

My mom is a counselor and recovering alcoholic. She loves to analyze Smokey and, sometimes, I have a hard time with it because I don't want D11, if she is nearby, to hear negative stuff about her dad. The ride home turned out ok though because as we neared home I was saying how I think her dad is still the wonderful guy underneath the unusual behavior. I just think he is not sure where he fits in the world and he doesn't mean to hurt anyone. He's trying to figure out where he fits.

My mom and I had been talking about how his parents are so judgmental and never really loved him without conditions. You're either in or you're out. I was talking about how he seems more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable with people because feeling safe and loved unconditionally just isn't what he experienced as a kid.

Anyway, I was a little worried what D11 would take away from the convo. I thought she was asleep. Not. Little ears.

Then, D11 threw in, "I think dad was afraid to be himself when he was little because he thought Grandma and Grandpa would judge him. I don't think he knows what it's like to feel really loved just because he's him."

From the mouths of babes. :-)

My mom gave me a huge compliment on the way home. We were talking about Smokey and how he has let so many people down. My mom was saying how she still has such a hard time wrapping her head around how he let the girls down. Then, she said, "But, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Isn't that nice? You have fulfilled YOUR obligations to your children and then some. I'm proud of you."

That really felt good. :-)

On the ol' addicted to Smokey front--I guess a part of me was longing a bit for him to "come to his senses" after yesterday's visit...I know. Old Heather. I didn't even realize it until...

I had left my phone, accidentally, at home for the day. When I got back I found myself disappointed not to have a text saying..."I'm so sorry. I've been so stupid. I have this beautiful family and I just threw it away and you guys are getting on with your lives and so forth..."

It's just the combo emotions. It will pass. NO text was waiting.

Came home, transferred stuff back from my mom's car to ours. Drove home. Filled the wheelbarrow with wood from the barn. Checked on the chickens, cleaned the litterboxes, built a fire, fed the dog, fed the cats and there you have it.

Life is still good. Just a little sad today. The new normal.

Going to plan my week tonight. Take it easy. Look at my project again. Read some of my organizational book.

[LoisB]

Thanks White and Bright.

I appreciate your input and support. Right back atcha!

Heather

[beatrice]

Hi, you dealt well with all of this stuff. And remember you are so lucky to have a mother who loves you and supports you at times like this.

If we look at what we have it is sometimes easier, rather than what we have lost. Keep on going.

[uRworthy]

Heather, you have had a lot of stuff to deal with in the last few days. Tough stuff, I know. And you did great.

Just a couple of things, if I may.

You have to be very careful with what you say about their dad in front of them. He is still their dad, and your goal, as their mom, needs to be to cause no harm to that relationship. What he does or doesnt do to foster it, is on him.

Your children are always watching. And I know you know, they see and hear far more than what we think they do.

You have the honor to show them how to navigate through life's tough stuff. Do it well.

I know it was tough to do all that you had to in order to get your daughter back to college. And as Bea said, how lucky for you to have a mom to support you. How wonderful that you all got to do that together.

You should make it a fun thing next time. Fill it with songs and games and silliness.

Smokey's loss for his choices.

I think you should tell your daughters that if they dont want their dad to visit again, they should let him know. Acting the way they did was not the right thing, regardless of what he has done.

It is not your job, however, to facilitate their relationship with him. That is theirs to forge.

If he comes again, I would like you to have a different mindset then the one you had.

I handled myself like a woman who has been treated very badly by someone and needed to keep her guard up.

I would like to see you act like a woman who is strong and confident, who knows who she is and who is doing great, DESPITE how he treated you, ya know?

You are doing wonderfully, sweetie.

[LoisB]

I wrote this great response earlier today while waiting on a student and Voila! it's lost. :-(

Anyway.

I hear ya Urworthy. I will watch what I say. My mantra has been and always will be...Dad is sick. Something is going on that is causing him a lot of pain and he doesn't realize how much he is hurting others.

At the same time, I feel like my kids are so smart and plenty savvy to come to their own conclusions--as they illustrated so inappropriately on Saturday!

I'm tired of telling them to be the bigger person. There comes a point when everyone should be allowed to just act as they feel. Saturday is how they feel. It just is.

I was re-reading some material on addiction the other day. It helped me re-visit some things I still struggle with...The common thought on addicts is that they are NOT capable of love. They have love for the drug and that's the best they can do. In other words addiction, especially late stages addiction, brings on symptoms of sociopathic/personality disorders. He simply isn't capable of love right now.

Ya ever re-learn something you already knew, but is comforts your heart in a new way?? I guess that's what this info did for me. It reminded me how icy his heart is right now and how much safer we are right now with Smokey at a distance. It also reminded me how he is not the person we knew and loved. He is the shell.

The kids have tolerated a lot of nothing from their dad for two years now. Nothing and, then, these BIG painful surprises!! The OW, the OW living with him, his refusal to help take D19 to college, his lack of consideration or kindness while our kids cried and begged in front of him. I think they have reached their limit. The end of the sidewalk, if you will.

And, I can't say I blame them. They haven't even had the luxury of being able to see him in order to confront his B.S. And, the few times they have confronted him, he ignored their pain by pretending like nothing has changed.

He tried to make his OW/roomie deal a joke by calling her his "roommate" and laughing as he told them. On Saturday, he tried to step over the cold, uncomfortable stuff by tickling D11. She told him firmly to "Stop."

In some respects, I guess I feel like my kids HAVE taken the high road with their dad and have tried like hell to reach out to him. His sad, empty responses have lead to what happened on Saturday. They have given up. They told him so the last time they confronted him. They have been brave, held themselves high while the town and school and neighborhood talked about what their dad "did" and they have walked through so much fire.

I'm not sure I'm willing, at this point, to demand they force a conversation with someone they don't want to see. Someone who really doesn't bother to know them anymore. I feel like they have earned the very adult responsibility of deciding how to handle him for themselves.

Maybe if he had been a great dad before this crisis, I would feel differently. But, the truth is that his kids have all out begged him for attention for decades now and he simply gave himself to his drug. They have gone to counseling, confronted, begged, pleaded, cried, felt the humiliation...Maybe now, it's healing for them to show they are moving forward and don't want such a sick person in their lives?

IDK. I DO KNOW I don't want the girls to ever think it's ok for a man to treat them with such indifference. Father or not, I want them to feel as if they can choose who deserves their time and who is toxic. And, I want them to have the confidence to act on those feelings without regret or guilt like most of women have a tendency to feel even when we have been badly treated.

"I would like to see you act like a woman who is strong and confident, who knows who she is and who is doing great, DESPITE how he treated you, ya know?" Me too.

On Saturday, detaching with anger was all I could muster. I will be able to do more as I keep moving forward.

[uRworthy]

I am not in any way telling you that your children shouldnt feel what they feel.

Your daughter (19) is old enough to decide for herself what she wants her relationship with her dad to be. It is theirs to forge or not.

Your job is to not get in the way of it. Whatever it is.

I know it is hard to think about how he has handled his relationship with them. But, thats on him. And whatever happens as a result, will be his, too.

I know you are working really hard, Heather. Good on you.

[willbwell]

we can't go back. only forward. I too am sad at the lack of relationship between my h and the kids.
the boys won't tell their dad how they really feel because to do so would hurt their hearts even more. IDK, maybe they will someday. As for now, they take the little bits that he offers... dinner out, a movie

I too feel like screaming at h Don't you see what you are missing??
Don't you get it that the boys want interaction with you??

I will say, my relationship with the kids has always been good, but has become even stronger since BD.
I am so lucky to have such great kids!
They are the prize.

I am glad you went about your day the day he visited. I have pondered that before... life has to go on.

[LoisB]

Good Moooooorrrrrning Busters!

I had an incredibly busy day yesterday. Me did some good teach'n and writ'n. Followed by a trip to the grocery store for a few supplies and takin D11 to a friends and picking D11 up from the friends and hanging with D11 and keeping the fire goin and milking the cows and painting the barn and plowin the field (just jokin about the last three) :-)

One of my students has been sick and I found out yesterday afternoon that he has pneumonia. Poor lil guy. His fever has gone up to 105!!!!! Their whole family has had this terrible bug for the past month.

Well, this was something of a reality check for me. I've been pushing myself really hard. I've been congested and stuffy.

No students today and I made the decision to sleep in.

I've been meditating before bed and saying all these affirmations and prayers about all of us--Smokey included--and it's weird how I've been having these really nice dreams about him. Last night, I had this dream where he just came home like the old normal. I was sleeping and he came in and took off his boots and laid on the bed and started telling me some weird story how he had stay here tonight. I could tell he missed us and wanted to be home and needed some dumb excuse to come home. Nice, weird, painful a lil.

For today, I'm going to pick up the house and plant myself on the couch to finish the writing project.

I will work out because I haven't in two days and I ate like a pig yesterday.

My top priority is to NOT GET SICK.

[iluvme55]

I sometimes have nice dreams like that and wake up really happy but then I realize it was just a dream, none the less nice to wake up so happy, feels good.......