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Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: KGirl] #2433176
02/24/14 02:00 PM
02/24/14 02:00 PM
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Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline
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Originally Posted By: KGirl
I said lightly "well, it was a pretty good movie and I wouldn't mind seeing it again, but it's really up to you!" and walked away. No answer. They just left. Ugh.


I am going to be a little forward here and say, "you fell right into that one!". If you are going to apply the DB principles, you should not make plans or dates with your H. You knew that he was going out with his mom, so you should have made plans for you! You need to understand that you need to give him space, he needs to see that you are going on with your life, as if, without him. I know it is hard. I faced the same situation this weekend when my H and his family had plans for his dad's bday. Instead of wasting time trying to predict what I'd say, am I invited, if so, should I go, I made plans with a friend, so I didn't have to "torture" myself with this..
Trust me when I say that it DOES get easier, and if we only apply all the principles in DR, we will get through this..hang in there!


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: KGirl] #2433180
02/24/14 02:24 PM
02/24/14 02:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline
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Quote:
His response: "I don't think we'd have time to go to lunch, drop you off, and then go to the movie." This movie was one I had already seen by myself and he knows that. I said lightly "well, it was a pretty good movie and I wouldn't mind seeing it again, but it's really up to you!" and walked away. No answer. They just left. Ugh. This is where the struggle is - how can he act normally most of the time but sometimes not? I want all or nothing.


Stings, doesn't it? But what would be "normal" about a man taking his STBX and his mother to lunch and a movie?

Read that snippet above and retell it with you being in charge of you, the way you wish you would ended it.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: labug] #2433200
02/24/14 03:53 PM
02/24/14 03:53 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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TA - Ha, yes, I did fall right into it. Trying to be nice to H's mom/say hi kinda backfired because then I got too involved. I think I let all of the seemingly positive interactions lately get the best of me in thinking things were different or changed. I need to take a big step backwards from him. When his mom asked if I was coming, I should have just let H answer "no" and walked away. No follow-up, no saying "well I COULD come.. etc." Let him handle his mom and explaining to her.

So when they came back from the movie I just retreated to a different room and read. I heard them talking about skyping his niece/nephew and they started up the TV and everything. While they were chatting H came to find me and said... "Aren't you going to come Skype with us?" ?!? This is where I'm confused, labug. So he thinks I should skype with his family, but not that I would go to lunch? I don't understand. Is there something different about these scenarios that I'm missing that makes one "OK" and the other not? Or does he just want interaction on his terms when HE feels like it? I probably should have said no to the Skype, but like with his mom, my relationship w/ nieces and nephew is separate than my relationship with him and I don't want to just cut that off because he's being .. whatever he's being. So I came and said hi and listened to them talk about their missing teeth and all those cute things relevant to kids under 10. But it feels awkward because H doesn't WANT me to be a part of his life or his family (I don't think it's mindreading because he said he wants a divorce..unless he really thinks we can continue to hang out and be friends and do family functions without being married??) So why is he encouraging me to interact with them?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: KGirl] #2433334
02/24/14 08:26 PM
02/24/14 08:26 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline
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I can see why you see that as confusing but you can still do what you want, take control of what you do and not be confusing.

About going out to lunch, reframe it so it comes from you: No MIL, I have plans for today. Enjoy your lunch.

About skyping, why put yourself through that. "No H, you and MIL enjoy your time talking with (whoever)."

If you want to continue a R with them, you can skype with them.

Don't try to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. Just be sure of why you're doing what you're doing.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: labug] #2434206
02/27/14 03:24 PM
02/27/14 03:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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Posts: 667
Feeling stuck lately….

I’m in a tough place with making changes for myself. A lot of the things I wrote about previously that I wanted to change are either attitudes (so, hard to demonstrate) or things that kinda require H to communicate/interact with me. Or, they aren’t sustainable if we were to R. Examples:
-Being more appreciative and admiring of H - kinda requires him to do things that I would admire or appreciate. He doesn’t cook, clean, do helpful things around the house besides shovel snow (hasn’t snowed in a while…) tell me about his day or work or soccer or anything else he does, so it’s hard to find things to compliment him on besides how he looks/what he’s wearing and I don’t want it to be overdone. I’m not going to stretch it just to be complementary and say something like “Wow, good job on winning 3 FIFA games in a row on XBox!” smile
-Being on the same “team” or side as H in conversation. In the past when he’d complain about his boss or other things he was unhappy about I tended to play devil’s advocate and say “well I can kind of see their point, you DID do this…” I want to change this dynamic but I can’t do it unless he actually TALKS to me.
-Not questioning/commenting/criticizing on where he’s going, when, or who he’s with. Right now I just ignore when he leaves or is gone and don’t say anything. This isn’t sustainable, and I don’t want to give the wrong idea that this is how it would still be if we were to R - I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation in a healthy M that you let your spouse know if you’re going out and in a vague way at least who you’re with (“I’m going out with some people from work after work, don’t wait for me for dinner” I’d be perfectly happy with), or that you won’t be home at the normal time. This isn’t an unrealistic expectation for normal people, is it?? I feel like I’m just ignoring it right now just to “get him back” but then when I start asking or saying things like “could you please write out your weekly schedule on the calendar so I know what days you’ll be home for dinner?” that it’ll be back to the “same old” and he’ll feel tricked.
-Trusting him. Well, I can only trust him so much if he doesn’t tell me where he’s going, has all of his accounts and phone on lock-down, etc.

Am I just not looking hard enough to find the changes I should make that are purely about me and NOT about how I interact with him? I’ve read and re-read a couple of books on codependency and am re-thinking my mindset in regards to that… but I really don’t know what else. I try talking with my IC about it and he says I’m doing way above and beyond what I should be concerned about, and that this is really more about my H’s issues, not any issues I think I have. When I bring up how I get jealous/anxious about H’s whereabouts and who he’s with, IC says “but you described X, Y, and Z time where he broke your trust and wasn’t remorseful. I don’t think your reactions are inappropriate.” How can I dig deeper?

I also feel stuck with the situation in general. I told myself not to do anything until March 15. I was thinking about temp checking on that date if nothing has changed but I think I need to know what I’d DO with that information if I were to do that besides just knowing for the sake of knowing (like, if H says “oh yes, I’m still planning on divorcing you, just haven’t gotten around to that” then I’d need to be able to say “OK, well I’m going to move forward with it because I want to move on with my life, and here’s how that will go..”) No point in asking otherwise. But I am starting to move towards being tired of this situation and thinking that leaving/starting the filing process would be better than whatever this is. I could move out, not be responsible for the mortgage, get my own place and set it up how I want, buy my own car with the money I’d get from the equity (I’m borrowing a piece of junk from my parents with 170,000+ miles on it), and not have to see H on a daily basis reminding me that I’m living with someone who no longer loves me. The L I spoke with rec’d getting all of the settlement agreement done and turned in with the actual petition to file, so that way everything can be effective right away. It takes at least 4 months before the D to be final so there’d still be time… and even after that, it can be torn up and the M restored immediately for up to 6 months after D is final. Or I could file for S, which would take care of the financial aspects, and then after a year either person could say “I want a D” and convert it immediately.

What things should I be asking myself or thinking about before temp checking/thinking of filing on my own to make sure I’ve left no stone unturned? My answer to “if he told you tomorrow he wanted to R, would you be interested?” is still yes, but not without a lot of work and stipulations on his part (IC/MC, NC w/ EA at work, etc.). Knowing what I know about my H I don’t know how likely those things are to actually happen. Someone posted in another thread about how their S’s attitude was that it should be “enough” that they came back. I could see H being like that. And pulling a “we’re just friends, she doesn’t even know I liked her that way, I can be friends with whoever I want” with the OW from work. I can’t really move out w/out filing unless I want to pay for my half of the mortgage AND rent, so it’s a catch-22 - I don’t see a solution.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: KGirl] #2434372
02/27/14 10:02 PM
02/27/14 10:02 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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K
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Posts: 667
Bumping my last post up...lots of activity today. Could use some thoughts!


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: KGirl] #2434374
02/27/14 10:03 PM
02/27/14 10:03 PM
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Posts: 456
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artsy Offline
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Can you file for S and still live there? If he wants "out" then he should be the one to leave, IMO.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: artsy] #2434382
02/27/14 10:29 PM
02/27/14 10:29 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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Posts: 667
Problem is he wants (and likely could actually afford) the house and I don't. The filing would state that he has to refinance in his name only and pay me half the equity and if that isn't possible then it would have to be sold. I agree it s*cks that he wants this but wouldn't have to move...but it's a very expensive and not very logical choice. Which seems to demonstrate not much thought into the actual process. The only financial reason to file would be so I could get removed from the mortgage so no point to filing if I stay in the house. And he said at the beginning he has no problem living together so he won't leave even temporarily!


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: KGirl] #2434523
02/28/14 01:41 PM
02/28/14 01:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline
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Originally Posted By: KGirl
Feeling stuck lately….

I’m in a tough place with making changes for myself. A lot of the things I wrote about previously that I wanted to change are either attitudes (so, hard to demonstrate) or things that kinda require H to communicate/interact with me. Or, they aren’t sustainable if we were to R. Examples:
-Being more appreciative and admiring of H - kinda requires him to do things that I would admire or appreciate. He doesn’t cook, clean, do helpful things around the house besides shovel snow (hasn’t snowed in a while…) tell me about his day or work or soccer or anything else he does, so it’s hard to find things to compliment him on besides how he looks/what he’s wearing and I don’t want it to be overdone. I’m not going to stretch it just to be complementary and say something like “Wow, good job on winning 3 FIFA games in a row on XBox!” smile

Now that's funny!

Quote:
-Being on the same “team” or side as H in conversation. In the past when he’d complain about his boss or other things he was unhappy about I tended to play devil’s advocate and say “well I can kind of see their point, you DID do this…” I want to change this dynamic but I can’t do it unless he actually TALKS to me.
-Not questioning/commenting/criticizing on where he’s going, when, or who he’s with. Right now I just ignore when he leaves or is gone and don’t say anything. This isn’t sustainable, and I don’t want to give the wrong idea that this is how it would still be if we were to R - I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation in a healthy M that you let your spouse know if you’re going out and in a vague way at least who you’re with (“I’m going out with some people from work after work, don’t wait for me for dinner” I’d be perfectly happy with), or that you won’t be home at the normal time. This isn’t an unrealistic expectation for normal people, is it??

No, it's not unreasonable but you're not in a healthy marriage right now. I don't understand the "I don't want to give him the wrong idea"???

Quote:
I feel like I’m just ignoring it right now just to “get him back” but then when I start asking or saying things like “could you please write out your weekly schedule on the calendar so I know what days you’ll be home for dinner?” that it’ll be back to the “same old” and he’ll feel tricked.

I think you're jumping way too far ahead.
If you get into another R with him, then you can address those things as needed.
Quote:
Trusting him. Well, I can only trust him so much if he doesn’t tell me where he’s going, has all of his accounts and phone on lock-down, etc.

What is there to trust right now? He sees himself as single, on the way to D.

Quote:
Am I just not looking hard enough to find the changes I should make that are purely about me and NOT about how I interact with him? I’ve read and re-read a couple of books on codependency and am re-thinking my mindset in regards to that… but I really don’t know what else. I try talking with my IC about it and he says I’m doing way above and beyond what I should be concerned about, and that this is really more about my H’s issues, not any issues I think I have. When I bring up how I get jealous/anxious about H’s whereabouts and who he’s with, IC says “but you described X, Y, and Z time where he broke your trust and wasn’t remorseful. I don’t think your reactions are inappropriate.” How can I dig deeper?

Maybe you've dug as far as you need to at this point. Your T is probably on to something.

You can't change your H. Either he'll respond to your changes or he won't. It's not the goal of DB to turn you into a Stepford Wife. Your changes should only be things you know within yourself that you need to work on in order to have a happy life.

If you're happy with you, relax, enjoy life. If he wants to walk away from the awesomeness that is you, that's his loss.

If you know you still have things to work on then do that but make it about you. Once you feel good about yourself and are able to like/love yourself, you'll attract people who can like/love you.

Quote:
I also feel stuck with the situation in general. I told myself not to do anything until March 15. I was thinking about temp checking on that date if nothing has changed but I think I need to know what I’d DO with that information if I were to do that besides just knowing for the sake of knowing (like, if H says “oh yes, I’m still planning on divorcing you, just haven’t gotten around to that” then I’d need to be able to say “OK, well I’m going to move forward with it because I want to move on with my life, and here’s how that will go..”) No point in asking otherwise. But I am starting to move towards being tired of this situation and thinking that leaving/starting the filing process would be better than whatever this is. I could move out, not be responsible for the mortgage, get my own place and set it up how I want, buy my own car with the money I’d get from the equity (I’m borrowing a piece of junk from my parents with 170,000+ miles on it), and not have to see H on a daily basis reminding me that I’m living with someone who no longer loves me. The L I spoke with rec’d getting all of the settlement agreement done and turned in with the actual petition to file, so that way everything can be effective right away. It takes at least 4 months before the D to be final so there’d still be time… and even after that, it can be torn up and the M restored immediately for up to 6 months after D is final. Or I could file for S, which would take care of the financial aspects, and then after a year either person could say “I want a D” and convert it immediately.

What things should I be asking myself or thinking about before temp checking/thinking of filing on my own to make sure I’ve left no stone unturned? My answer to “if he told you tomorrow he wanted to R, would you be interested?” is still yes, but not without a lot of work and stipulations on his part (IC/MC, NC w/ EA at work, etc.). Knowing what I know about my H I don’t know how likely those things are to actually happen. Someone posted in another thread about how their S’s attitude was that it should be “enough” that they came back. I could see H being like that. And pulling a “we’re just friends, she doesn’t even know I liked her that way, I can be friends with whoever I want” with the OW from work. I can’t really move out w/out filing unless I want to pay for my half of the mortgage AND rent, so it’s a catch-22 - I don’t see a solution.

There is a solution, you just don't like it. wink

What do you love about your H-not the H you met in the beginning, but the current version. What makes him a good match for you, right now, today?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting! [Re: labug] #2434687
02/28/14 11:01 PM
02/28/14 11:01 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
KGirl  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Originally Posted By: labug

No, it's not unreasonable but you're not in a healthy marriage right now. I don't understand the "I don't want to give him the wrong idea"???


Maybe I'm taking the DR advice too literally. The book and the boards talk about how changes need to be for you and not just to get the other person back. I guess I'm seeing ignoring where he's going/not asking him when and where he'll be back as being purely to get him back because that is NOT a change I would keep if we were to R. Giving him the "wrong idea" is in the sense that he'll think "awesome, I can do what I want and don't have to answer to anything, maybe this CAN work if this is what she'll be like!" and it is NOT what I would be like. smirk

Originally Posted By: labug

What do you love about your H-not the H you met in the beginning, but the current version. What makes him a good match for you, right now, today?


This is a tough thing to answer. If I'm thinking literally right now, today, really not much. I don't think someone who walks away when it gets tough, who isn't willing to even talk about things, and who when they DO make a "decision" won't follow through on it is not someone that is a good match for me or who I want to be with. If I think more generally about who my H is especially pre-BD... I made a list of those things this afternoon, probably don't need to jam up my post with posting them all smile Not sure that it helped clarify anything for me. Mostly made me sad because the things I love are inaccessible right now. For example, I wrote that I H and I each know a lot about our own different "thigs" and I love that he can fill me in on sports stuff and I can fill him in on changes at our alma mater (where I work). Or, that I think he's attractive and that I love our "physical" interactions smile But none of that stuff is happening today... we only talk at a very superficial and otherwise navigate around the house like cordial roommates. Not much I love about that situation right now.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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