I don’t think it would be normal if we didn't wonder whether or not our spouse is in MLC. I know I still do sometimes.
For months after her Mom died, the smallest trigger would cause my W to cry. Quite odd coming from a woman who prior to this almost never cried. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me “I don’t know, I can’t explain it”, which I believe was a truthful answer.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
At some point, the fog lifted from me and I started to notice my surroundings...that is the first sign that a person is leaving the MLC--what people term here "leaving the tunnel."
How gradual or quickly was the process of the fog lifting for you?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I question my H’s MLC all the time. I don’t remember him having vacant eyes per se. He was a bit withdrawn and he did have some memory issues, but I thought it was age related. I had some memory issues tool, so for me his memory loss was not that obvious. He did fit into the WAS description, he was fed up, angry and overwhelmed in our M. At the same time there was no known OW. Still is not. So, I’m just getting more and more confused about how MLC applies to my H.
This is a great thread though. Wonka, thanks for starting it. Hopefully I will learn a lot of things here, and hopefully I will be able to see more clearly what applies in my sitch.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Great thread Wonka! I also wonder if my husband is true mlc or was. He fits both and I don't remember anything about his eyes. I guess it really doesn't matter since he is filing this month. I can honestly say I tried and hung in there.
Wonka did you blame your unhappiness on Ms Wonka? Did you tell her you were never happy and she didn't treat you right? That is what my h says to me. I really don't believe this is true but he is very convinced. We have been married 26 years and he has said that he has been unhappy for most of them and he stayed so long for the kids but he should have left earlier.
I am anxiously waiting for your posts.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Interesting Wonka. I really appreciate your perspective on how you felt... that you really were THAT confused and felt out of control of yourself. It is hard to really believe that is the case sometimes when the MLC seems to be able to pull it together to function in other aspects of their life, but can't seem to make the logical or reasonable choice when it comes to the family or relationship with the spouse anymore.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I am not so sure about the eyes being the answer...I believe it is the presence of confusion as well. The feeling of being overwhelmed.
Mine described it as a huge "cloud of jumbled up ..." couldn't even finish is sentence. He was torn between his love and hurt, which came out as anger. Yes, I saw the eyes...especially at Thanksgiving. It was clear, he also had aged tremendously.
After that there was NO doubt in my mind.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
what did you feel about time? Did you feel that you were running out of time? we all are of course...
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Approximately about a month after my grandmother's funeral which took place in early May 1999, I went into deep mourning privately. It was during this time that I slowly fell apart emotionally and spinning out of control. To assuage that sense of helplessness and discombobulation in any manner, I sat down and composed a letter.
Just prior to leaving for a business trip, I handed the letter to my boss in the office before taking off. [Right now, I am feeling jabs of pain as I recall this memory] The letter professes my admiration and attraction to my boss. Yep, that's right. I've crossed a line professionally and entered into forbidden territory at the workplace!! It probably was riddled with silly MLC mumbo jumbo.
That was the beginning of a fractious relationship between my boss and I. Mind you, my then boss was a lesbian and happily married to her wife. To balance out this narrative, my boss was a real life Dragon Lady who was very much into micromanagement and negative put-downs. She had already burned through 3 employees in a year before I had come on board. In retrospect, I should have run for the hills as she was a very deeply unhappy person [and is still the same unhappy person to this day].
To summarize, I write a letter to woman outside of my marriage thereby breaking the unspoken commitment to one's spouse. Emotionally I was trying to grasp at straws to prevent myself from drowning in my own grief. That was the first sign that my own coping skills was starting to break down very slowly and imperceptibly.
I am going to answer questions/comments previously posted from the posters here.
WR: When an MLCer says that "there's nothing wrong with me", they genuinely believe it which is typical MLC-speak. I recall when things were awry with Ms. Wonka sometime after the early stages of my MLC, she came home one day with a brand-new book Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil determined to help our R, my reaction was typical non-denial and pooh-poohed her. In my mind, I am not the problem so why should Ms. Wonka point fingers at me?
Rick: Wow. What an extreme reaction from your XW to signing the house lease over to you. It shows that she was truly and utterly broken.
Mojo: You ask how the MLCer claim that they're okay while exhibiting bizzare behaviors. Does the The Emperor Without Clothes remind you of the MLCer a bit? In the MLCer's worldview, we all think we're operating normally even outwardly the spouse notices strange comments, behaviors, actions, and antics. Again, this is part and parcel of the impaired thinking process that manifests outwardly in illogical reasoning and irrational behaviors.
Raine: Right back at ya...my partner in crime!
AJ: As for your perked ears in reading the "rest of my story", are you the type of person that peeks at the last page of the novel before reading it?
Ambi: MLCers do normal everyday things by going through the motions. That is UNTIL the pressure becomes too much and they take off hence the BD to get away from the source of misery which, unfortunately, is you. More on this later.
FY: You ask if the fog lifting was gradual or fairly quick in my case. I started to come out of the MLC fog sometime around March 2004. Like a typical fog one sees in real life, it dissipated gradually.
I am of the firm belief that there was some type of "intervention" in my MLC Journey. In December 2003, I flew home for the Christmas holidays. A few days after arrival, I became very, very sick and had an horrible asthma attack (a second one in so many years). My father literally had to carry me into the ER at the hospital for treatment. I believe it was the beginning of the "end"---I started to wake up and notice my surroundings. That included attempts to get Ms. Wonka to end her affair with the OW. sigh
Bright: You and others question if 'this' or 'that' is MLC or not. Let me tell you that MLC is individualistic with each person's personality, mannerisms, family histories, and coping mechanisms to take into account. MLC falls on two end spectrums which are: kitty kitten MLCers and Jekyll/Hyde. They represent the two extremes of the MLCer in their anger levels.
Complicated: In my MLC-addled mind, I blamed Ms. Wonka for my overall general unhappiness as she was the visible and tangible symbol of my misery. We live in a tangible world so in our mind...why could we be so unhappy all of sudden? We are twirling around trying to locate the source of our unhappiness. Lo and behold! There's the spouse standing right there.
Have I ever verbalized my unhappiness to Ms. Wonka. No. That is the hard part for me right now. A rational person would discuss issues or situations to seek out solutions with their spouse...right? While in the midst of MLC, on the other hand, we feel immense pressure from within that we've got to get OUTTA here now!! Bombs away and we're outta the door emotionally [and some physically]. Didja know that I did contemplate renting an apartment myself? Yep, I did.
It is never about YOU at all. It is all on US.
Sometime in the Summer of either 1999 or 2000, our sex life took a drastic nose dive which was when Ms. Wonka walked in the door one day with her brand-new Relationship Rescue book. Bless her heart, Ms. Wonka knew something was badly wrong in the R and tried to help us by "fixing" it.
TL: You ask how can MLCers function. We are just going through the motions by pushing ourselves forward despite the underlying unhappiness, discomfort, and pressure. That's why we appear so "normal" at times to you.
WBW: I apologize for not getting to you in the recent post. Whoops-a!
To us, life does flash by us and we feel no self-worth and feel that we have not accomplished a dang thing in our life. That is the faulty thinking of the MLCer. We may have the best house, best car, best job, and a spouse who looks like Cindy Crawford/George Clooney...BUT here we are engaged in "stinking thinking."
For many of us who feel like life passed by, we engage in a lot of replay behaviors with OWs/OMs. We need that ego boost from external sources. Which is why it is imperative to use the time you have wisely to wait out the MLC nonsense.
We do stupid, crazy and reckless stuff just because we are not thinking rationally at all.
