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Yes Bug! She is already working after bilateral replacement. She has been rehabbing like a fiend. Granted she is using a cane and has a wheelchair assist in airports but she's a tough one for sure! I tried to get her to take more time but she let the pressure of needing to make money win over.

Originally Posted By: labug
While file it anywhere? That's past, you are now here, today.

You can choose to hold on to that fear or let it go.


I'm just processing. When things come back to me I go over them for a while on purpose so I don't supress them. I don't want them to revisit me years down the road like some balloon surfacing from under water.

I'm good though. Except for my dang back is killing me!

I'm GAL'ing tonight with a friend. She's coming over and we are making margaritas and catching up! That reminds me... I need salsa.


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
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RT, it's been a while since I've read up on your thread. Congrats on the positive moves... you are a rock star!!!

I love your take on the fear of being alone. I struggled big time with that and still it rears it's ugly head from time to time. I think it was the biggest hurdle for me to overcome. Most of my anger and resentment can be directly tied to this. I am curious how you worked through your fear. I hear so many times about working through yet I've not seen a good example of what to do.


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
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Good morning friends smile

Originally Posted By: subguy
I am curious how you worked through your fear. I hear so many times about working through yet I've not seen a good example of what to do.


Hi SG, glad you stopped by. To answer your question, I am still working through this fear. There have been a couple of things that I have focused on. In a sense, teaching myself to overcome the fear with realistic evaluation. I think of it much like teaching a child to overcome a fear. A child might have a fear of the dark, or a fear of what's in the closet. And we teach them that there is nothing to be afraid of with continual coaching and affirmation until they are relieved of the fear to the point of comfort.

So the fear of being alone and unloved, for me is the same process. I try to teach myself that there is nothing to fear in being alone and that I am never unloved.

I think most DB'ers at some point get really good at recognizing emotions as they come up. Especially when they begin to make us uncomfortable. And if the rest of you are anything like me, I've instinctively reached the point where I vocalize the emotion to myself and ask "why am I feeling this right now?" The process of stepping outside of feeling and be my own best friend, my own sounding board, my own therapist.

If a dear friend came to me with this emotion, hurdle, anxiety, what would I say to them? How would I try to help them process? What would I say to another DB'er on the board? How would I coach someone I loved in this moment? How am I going to teach and love ME in this moment?

This is how I deal with a lot of my fears or worries, not just the one of ending up alone. It's not always easy to disengage the emotion and analyze it, but with practice it's gotten easier and the rough waves don't stay around as long. Critical thinking has a way of taking away the power of desperation and gives me strength. And the good new is... critical thinking can be taught.

I hope this makes some kind of sense to you. Everyone's process is going to be different, but for me, it's been working. I "spin" less and less these days. wink


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
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RT, thank you for this post. I have the same issues with working though my fear, hurt and anger, but find that often times I am still stuffing it down or talking myself out of it - not good.

I have copied your post so I can remind myself what I need to do when these things come up.


me: 44 XH: 42
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Originally Posted By: RealityTrip
Good morning friends smile

Originally Posted By: subguy
I am curious how you worked through your fear. I hear so many times about working through yet I've not seen a good example of what to do.


Hi SG, glad you stopped by. To answer your question, I am still working through this fear. There have been a couple of things that I have focused on. In a sense, teaching myself to overcome the fear with realistic evaluation. I think of it much like teaching a child to overcome a fear. A child might have a fear of the dark, or a fear of what's in the closet. And we teach them that there is nothing to be afraid of with continual coaching and affirmation until they are relieved of the fear to the point of comfort.

So the fear of being alone and unloved, for me is the same process. I try to teach myself that there is nothing to fear in being alone and that I am never unloved.

I think most DB'ers at some point get really good at recognizing emotions as they come up. Especially when they begin to make us uncomfortable. And if the rest of you are anything like me, I've instinctively reached the point where I vocalize the emotion to myself and ask "why am I feeling this right now?" The process of stepping outside of feeling and be my own best friend, my own sounding board, my own therapist.

If a dear friend came to me with this emotion, hurdle, anxiety, what would I say to them? How would I try to help them process? What would I say to another DB'er on the board? How would I coach someone I loved in this moment? How am I going to teach and love ME in this moment?

This is how I deal with a lot of my fears or worries, not just the one of ending up alone. It's not always easy to disengage the emotion and analyze it, but with practice it's gotten easier and the rough waves don't stay around as long. Critical thinking has a way of taking away the power of desperation and gives me strength. And the good new is... critical thinking can be taught.

I hope this makes some kind of sense to you. Everyone's process is going to be different, but for me, it's been working. I "spin" less and less these days. wink


Awesome answer... I was curious. I like reading what other people do because it may work better than what I am trying smile thanks.

I like to journal about my feelings and fears. If I write them down it is easier for me to look at them with a detached emotion and be able to process those emotions and feelings. I also have found a few trust worthy people that I can share those fears with, who would have thought I could share my feelings and not been seen as weak. Ya that's a guy thing I think.


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
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What is up with me and the space I am renting the xOW in my head lately???? crazy It's kind of driving me nuts. I can't quite pinpoint what the real issue is. It's got to be some kind of of insecurity in regards to my W being home.

In 6 days my W will have been home for 3 months. The exact amount of time she lived with xOW. (although we were separated for almost 9 months total.) I've kind of been focused on that too... not sure if they are related.

But I digress, xOW... see!... she is even getting her own post on my DB thread. LOL! It's been quiet on the xOW front. Seemingly too quiet... I think I was expecting more pursuit of my W by xOW. Maybe I'm fearful of putting my guard down?

I told my W the other day that I feel like I'm falling into a more trusting station with her and that it scares me and makes me feel vulnerable. About the same time that this started to happen... xOW thoughts/memories/comparisons began again.

Originally I thought it might be a trigger because my W went back to work and I was off to pick her up at the airport... like old times... the times where she was working out of town with xOW and in an affair for years (they no longer work for the same company.) But I feel like it's deeper than just that...

What do you all think? For those of you that know my sitch pretty well?... I've got to find the connection and fear that is prompting me to revisit this habit so far into my journey.

Am I stopping myself from getting too comfortable with W being home? Keeping some pain nice and fresh so I don't have to experience the trauma of a new wound if it all falls to sh*t?


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
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Just read this today and thought of you. Tiny buddha how to be hurt less by so called evil people. Google is your friend! smile

Thought of you!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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And yes I did think of you twice. wink


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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RT,

I have this massive headache from a business trip and I'm looking at a pillow longingly to rest my head right at this moment. But first things first....

Would you feel better if I told you that I still do think about Ms. Wonka's OW from time to time. My thoughts center around two main themes:

1) Landing a right hook squarely on the OW's jaw
2) What is it about the OW that is "better" than me?

When our spouses engage in an A with the OW/OM, it crosses way more than just a line...not that yellow crime tape! Although it isn't too different from that! It is a knife through our hearts knowing that they shared intimacies with the OW, shared their bodies with the OW, mooning over each other, etc. Then what does these above behaviors have anything to do with us? Exactly.

Nothing. Yet in our mind....it feels as if we really are not good enough for our spouses so this "stinking thinking" batters our self-confidence to a point where there's a bright, neon pink "L" blinking on and on right on our foreheads. Not a fun place to be one way or the other.

So our fears of any contact with xOW dredges all of that "yucky" stuff and our insecurities so we seek reassurance from our spouses that we are still quite the catch to them. Silly, vicious cycle to be sure. That is until we can trust and VERIFY that our spouses's actions line up with their words. Then perhaps we can relax and feel safe emotionally with our spouses. Right now, I think you do not feel safe with your W--emotionally.

Isn't this what you're experiencing lately, RT?

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Originally Posted By: labug
Just read this today and thought of you. Tiny buddha how to be hurt less by so called evil people. Google is your friend! smile

Thought of you!


Thanks Bug! Just read it... I liked it. I'm soooo not that zen about my "monster" yet, but it's a nice perspective to embrace and try to integrate into my thinking.

You're a good one! wink


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
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