I think for those of you who have the MLCer still around, it makes it harder to detach.
You said it! It has been a long and painful road, and I know it was harder with him here. I finally have reached a point where I can go on with my life, no matter what he is doing.
You sound very strong. Good to read.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I missed your post. Looks like you and I were cross-posting.
Don't sell yourself short - you have a great deal to offer this Board. Reading others threads, even if I could not offer advice was a great help to me, especially in the beginning. And sometimes when I ramble, I am so surprised by someone saying that my rambling helped them.
Because we are all confused. And sometimes, even by journalling, we can have an a-ha! moment and find another way to handle things or a different perspective.
As a person along this journey, you have a unique perspective as well.
My latest "lesson" has been learning that there are, for me, two kinds of "done" with our MLCers. There is the "done" with the antics and the abuses and the crumbs. There is setting boundaries and there is accepting that things are indeed over. But in that kind of "done" (the one I am in now), I am not done enough that if Skippy did not truly make an effort that I can say it would be too late for him. The door is cracked open, still.
Then there is the "done" where the door is closed and commnication is gone and we are OK with that. I am not that kind of done yet. I always thought it had to be one or the other, but it does not have to be.
Alba, I hear you - the upside to that though, is at least you can observe H. With vanishing Skippy, I can only guess if his R is as ended as he says or if that was just temporary or if he jsut got himself a new one. But, I am beginning to wonder less and less. You sound like you are handling things like a champ, though.
thanks Portia, reading here has been so helpful to me. there is some sort of communication with h almost every single day. he texts d almost every day on my phone. sometimes I do wish he would just leave us alone awhile. feel like he's getting best of both. gets his space yet gets enough d time to satisfy him. I am upbeat when we talk.... he is funny, mostly his usual, not angry. but then I get my hopes up... sometimes think, I should move on. in my heart though, I know if he made any movement towards R...the door is still very open here. I am mad at h, but even more so I feel sad. wish we could talk! that is the hardest part.
I continue to read. I think we will continue status quo/limbo for now. We did not have a talk with boys about D. I have a busy semester ahead and h has a busy work schedule. so I continue on....
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
The "doneness" is kinda like steaks... You got your rare, medium, and of course, well done. Sometimes, if not done enough to your liking, you have to send your spouse, oops, I mean your steak, back to the kitchen for a little more cooking. This is risky though, because sometimes they can end up getting burned.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
feel like he's getting best of both. gets his space yet gets enough d time to satisfy him. I am upbeat when we talk.... he is funny, mostly his usual, not angry. but then I get my hopes up... sometimes think, I should move on. in my heart though, I know if he made any movement towards R...the door is still very open here. I am mad at h, but even more so I feel sad. wish we could talk! that is the hardest part.
i feel like this too sometimes. i resent that i even have that door cracked open. i don't like that he can create this world for himself with a bit of this and a bit of that- i can hear him saying "i thought i could have it all". and he is. really, isn't he??? i hate that he can dole it allll out to himself as he wants it - me included.
i see truth(or possibility) in the db process - HOWEVER i feel like - i absolutely hate being this little dog in her house- take me for a walk and head scratch- then slam me back in my litle house in the yard and i just sit there. (then i want to really dislike myself for not being a bigger dynamo who mans up and detaches totally) as in- ditches his @ss in a flame of glory- and is out of here - forever).
my brain says the gratification of that would wain and i'd be sorry later.
this db business of just remaining calm and neutral in the background0- soooo goes against my grain really. i don't have faith in him so much- have it in "the process" i think, have it in me, just not sure if, in the end, well, not sure what sort of person he is anymore. i'm wondering if the old guy i loved is dead and gone and i'm not knowing that.
unfortunately- then it throws it in my lap (my very very prudent, hesitant,(dbing),know-i-hate-loneliness -& -poverty-lap) to do something to end it. therein the snaggle.
oh well- i'm depressing myself now. SOME ONE of you said if you decide to have a good day- yhou do. i think it's true too- so here's me saying it "out loud" to you guys- i'm going off now to have a great day. accomplish stuff around here (actually painted more in cellar walls- moved around some stuff- moved more out of house- also making my daily pledge to do enough TO MAKE A big VISUAL DIFFERENCE today- ta da. gonna do it.....
thanks guys- for sharing your lives - it is sure a sinkhole of a place to find oneself- but hey- look at this, I'm in very good company. it's not just me rite.? it's more like "life"...
The "doneness" is kinda like steaks... You got your rare, medium, and of course, well done. Sometimes, if not done enough to your liking, you have to send your spouse, oops, I mean your steak, back to the kitchen for a little more cooking. This is risky though, because sometimes they can end up getting burned.
Great analogy FY! As long as I don't end up burnt!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Too funny, I was actually thinking about steaks when I wrote that analogy! Must have leaked through into cyber-space! I love steak.
I think we are like that, too, not just our partners. The longer I am left on the back burner, the more "done" and overcooked I am getting as well. I do feel that once I am at that point, there is no going back. Like Dawn said, as long as we don't get burnt!
Quote:
i see truth(or possibility) in the db process - HOWEVER i feel like - i absolutely hate being this little dog in her house- take me for a walk and head scratch- then slam me back in my litle house in the yard and i just sit there. (then i want to really dislike myself for not being a bigger dynamo who mans up and detaches totally) as in- ditches his @ss in a flame of glory- and is out of here - forever).
my brain says the gratification of that would wain and i'd be sorry later.
Nero, this describes me. I seem to lack the conviction at this point to kill the flame (however tiny, tiny, tiny) that flame is right now of Skippy and I reconnecting. I may enjoy the blaze at first, but at this point, I think I would regret it.
So here I am. I am not even positive that I am "DBing" as much as I am letting the door stay a crack open. I have no idea if I should be doing something at this point. I won't do anything because I have been feeling a little antsy but I can't help but wonder if I should be doing something?
I don't initiate contact and I responded politely but not overly enthusiastically to his crumbs. His words say he "thinks about me all the time" but his actions say different. Random, single text on the weather about 10 days ago. No follow up to my response.
These are just touch and goes. Any advice on how to handle them? When there are touch and goes is there something they need from us other than just politeness and/or validation? Skippy has never gotten personal and the reality is that I have not spoken to him in a couple of months now.
I would be interested in people's thoughts. I won't do anything immediately. Not really a good sign when I become unaccountably restless, but I am curious even on an academic level. What would others do in my situation? I am not sure the best answer to that is not "give it up, Portia".
Portia, I’m so with you here. I’m also on a back burner or slow cooker. I don’t think I will burn, but I will dry out from inside. I get this “give it up” phrase a lot recently from my friends and relatives. I can’t even mention H anymore, even in a neutral kind of way, I get slammed with this “advice”.
I would also very much like to know what others would do in the situation like that, since I’m in a very similar one. I think I can kind of answer the question about what my H needs from by doing touch and goes. He told me at BD that he didn’t want completely lose me out of his life. I think this is what he’s been doing, living his life, doing what he wants, probably dating, but at the same time stringing me along.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I had another one of my "mystic connections" again. I was thinking of an old friend who I hadn't emailed in ages. She is overseas so we don't get a chance to see each other often. Skippy and I met her and her H during our travels.
Well, she e-mailed me AND Skippy. So strange to see our emails linked. I forgot that I had not told her that we were not together any more. I replied to her, not to Skippy and told her that we were no longer together. I did not say much more than that. No point, really.
But colour me curious - I wonder if Skippy replied and I wonder what he said? I would be reluctant to ask her and put her in the middle but I am curious. I doubt he'll tell the truth!
Nothing from Skippy recently. When am I done like a well done steak, done?
Ya know something? I realized I didn't miss my old life. I missed Smokey being in my life. I missed the guy under the all the bad stuff. I missed loving him and trusting someone would be there for me no matter what. I missed the good parts of Smokey and I missed those feelings about him. I felt sad for the loss of that innocence. The loss of trusting someone so completely. But, I didn't miss my old life.
She very much describes how I feel.
We are forever changed by experiences and my last year has been a full one. The challenge is that the people around us don't seem to change. To them, I am still the same Portia who is there to handle all of their problems and no matter how busy I am, I will drop everything and answer their calls - how do I do this? how do I fix this? Family is the worst for this.
Perhaps if there was some reciprocity, I would not feel so used. But they don't find me when they all go out and have fun, but they sure don't lose my number when they want something.
These past couple of weeks, work has been incredibly busy so I did not get back to them as quick as they liked - how angry and snarky they were at me!
I think a big reason why I still miss Skippy is because we were there for each other. Favours did not matter, because we had a mutual relationship. And I miss that. Having someone on my side. Trusting someone to be on my side.
Even Skippy has disappeared again, not a peep and its been at least three weeks. Nothing from our mutual friend either which is quite out of character for her. It feels like she has taken a side. I recognize that I might be projecting, but that is what it feels like.
MizJ said on her thread that she was working toward other relationships and fostering other friendships. My goal is to do the same. I tend to be a homebody and need my solitary time, but it is time to branch out. To once again enjoy relationships that are mutual. Because I am beginning to realize that people cannot keep taking, taking and taking. I feel like I am depleting bit by bit.
Sorry for the downer post; I should not have skipped my coffee this morning.
