Hello friends, On this last day of the year I hope you are all well and taking steps to move forward in a positive direction!
I wanted to give you a little update since I only post here every few months now.
The good news - I've been working very consistently and am up for a permanent job at a good place. It's close to home and the benefits would be great, so that's all very positive. It has been a good year work-wise and I've been able to regain my confidence in that area. Love the people I work with now but the job isn't a good fit in the long term.
My H and I are still working to keep our marriage going. I think we got over some big humps early in the year, namely just trying to re-establish a relationship after being in-house separated for 7 months. We kind of got into a good rhythm there, but we have hit a big crossroads just about a year into piecing.
Our lack of intimacy has been bothering me more lately. I'm not really talking about physical intimacy - it's more like I don't feel safe with him, and I haven't for a long, long time - maybe not ever, in fact. We both have intimacy issues - his around abandonment and mine around rejection so that creates a nasty little soup. His tendency is to withdraw or to push away and my tendency is to then feel rejected and withdraw too. So it gets ugly and there's not a clear or easy way out.
Secondly, H has developed a habit of "brushing off" my feelings. I've mentioned the term "gaslighting" on here before, but it keeps coming up for me. For instance, in MC yesterday I mentioned something I wasn't happy with and H's response was that it was a "rigged game" (yes, those were his exact words). Later on he said something that upset/insulted me and when I told him that, he brushed it off and basically said "too bad." That made me more upset.
When I get really upset, he will withdraw and start with "you're crazy, are you off your meds, I can't deal with this, I'm only in it for the boys, we need to D" etc. Which of course makes everything 50 times worse. It creates an atmosphere of major distrust. Last night I screamed and begged and cried for him to just treat me nicer - don't use mean words with me. (this has been an issue for a good portion of our M). It's gotten to the point where it's a dealbreaker - it feels abusive to me. I am no shrinking violet but I can't live the rest of my life not being listened to and not having my feelings validated.
I think that H finally did understand this after like an hour of screaming and crying. I told him to leave and threatened to call the police. I didn't have any actual grounds to call them but it was the only thing I could think of. I think when I did that it turned the tables a little bit. I think it was only then that H realized that I was really serious and not playing some sort of game with him. He did try to make up with me and apologized at that point.
But still, I feel raw and very upset about what happened. It doesn't feel like much of a M sometimes. I had just told our MC that I was afraid to be vulnerable with H because I didn't know what kind of response I would get, and then H went and proved that in spades. H says I need to stop blaming him for things, which I can get behind, but then how does that play out when he really is to blame for something?
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Hey RLA, Sorry you are hitting a rut, but that is to be expected from time to time in piecing from what I understand. We were warned about hat fairly by our two different therapists but in the end she could not handle it. If you're committed to it then the ups and downs need to be committed to as well. He was screaming and 'crying'...this man is hurting. There is a saying, "pay no attention to the angry words your partner says, but rather the hurt behind them". The blame thing was a problem in your sitch previously...it must stop, no matter what. No matter who is wrong. This was the cancer when we tried to piece and was the death knell in our marriage and is now the big issue through this nasty, costly and never ending litigation. Even at court 2 weeks ago blaming barbs were thrown back and forth and made it worse and no settlement done. I blame my exW and she blames me. The bitterness and resentment still very fresh a year and a half later. The difference is, I accepted my short comings and contributions and my exW would not, does not, nor will ever accept her contribution. That was the death knell. She was warned by professionals time and time again it was 50/50 but could not get past that. Me too. Unless you are genuinely in fear, or threatened do not call the police or threaten. This does more harm than good and builds more issues. My exW called the police 2 weeks before moving out and I was in another room wondering why she was packing things that weren't hers. She looked bad. The police were very nice to me and told me to stay home until moving out if I wanted. They actually told her she was wrong, which made her more angry. It made her look bad a court a couple weeks later, the custody did not go her way and my resentment grew. Worse than all that the kids were very angry at her for doing that and still hold some resentment about it. The police will lose patience quickly with you if there are false calls. they have enough stress and real threats to deal with....they see the ugliest of stuff and are there to protect. Don't compromise their protection. They are not there for a disagreement between adults. Now, and very importantly if you are really frightened and there are threats, or signs of violence call the police or get the heck outta there.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
When I get really upset, he will withdraw and start with "you're crazy, are you off your meds, I can't deal with this, I'm only in it for the boys, we need to D" etc.
It sounds like he doesn't really think you're crazy, but rather he's pushing buttons. Buttons that he KNOWS are going to get a negative reaction. He wants to escalate things. MWD talks about breaking these patterns in DR, she uses the example of a couple that decided they would only fight in the nude so when one of them started pushing the other's buttons they would start stripping. By the time they were naked they were usually laughing so hard that they couldn't continue the fight. My point is this- you can change the pattern by yourself. Figure out what you can do/ say to arrest the fight next time. When your H says you're crazy, how can you react to that? Maybe say "yup, you're right, I'm certifiable" and then stick your tongue out and flap it around and roll your eyes and make silly sounds to show how "crazy" you are. Just do something totally off the wall and unexpected!
Hey RLA....I'm really pulling for you. Congrats on the job!
Sounds like you guys still have a lot of the same issues in play. Outside of the CC, what are you guys doing to improve your relationship? What are you doing to change things?
I agree with AS's suggestion on breaking the chain....give that a go and see what happens!
Thanks you guys. I really appreciate all of your support. I wish I had more time to spend here. It is still so helpful - even if I'm just typing and venting and then coming back later to get feedback.
So now it's been 2 months since that big fight. I have to say, unfortunately, that things have been trending downward pretty much since then. We had another HUGE blowout on Valentine's Day. We had gone out the night before, and then exchanged cards, and H was not satisfied with the level of effort that I'd put into my card. I signed it and wrote "I heart U" (with a heart symbol) and apparently that was not good enough. He wrote something nice in mine, but had gotten me a very generic card that didn't mention wife or anything (which annoyed me but I let it go). I don't have the energy to go into the details of that fight, but it was wicked and stupid and we have not recovered really.
Suffice it to say that we are both at our wits end at the moment. I feel like I can do nothing right. It's my opinion that H is looking for reasons to be disappointed in me. It's like I can never say or do the right thing. Tonight he was starting to tell me something - I was listening but actively engaged in something else at the time. He got very upset when I blurted out a comment (to myself) regarding what I was doing. I heard his whole story but he was annoyed that I was doing something else.
My issue is that when H has a complaint or wants me to behave differently(which he does often), he usually doesn't frame it up well. As in, "Honey, I'm trying to tell you something. Can you stop what you're doing for a second?" That sounds reasonable to me. Instead, I get comments like "Well that's nice that cleaning up from dinner is more important than listening to me." What happens is, he puts me on the defensive and then IT'S REALLY HARD to respond in a non-defensive way. It's frustrating because I feel like he doesn't understand this basic thing...
I got slammed A LOT on here for not taking responsibility/being defensive. I still do hear that in MC and at home. I'm perfectly willing to accept responsibility but it's not the first thing that comes to mind. H can't tolerate that I don't get there on my own all the time, and I think he wants/expects me to put aside any issue I might have with his communication and decipher/deal with his issue. So we end up in a loop that no one can seem to break. Last weekend he starting laying into me with S10 right there - right in the bed - and S10 was squirming because he was so uncomfortable. H wouldn't stop his rant, even after I told him "You're upsetting S10." Then I had to repair with S10, and had to repair with H as well. H used to apologize but he never does any more. It was never very easy for him and now it's completely non existent.
You guys asked me what we were doing differently. Good question. I have reached the point where I know that I, at least, have to do something differently. It's time to re-read DB and some of the other books I read last year. I have a call with my coach tomorrow (first one in over a year). I know that I have to kind of rise above the bullsh*t. The only problem with that is that I resent the bullsh*t. I wish I were more zen but I'm just not. But I am doing yoga 2x/week and I love going, and I'm really focusing on taking care of what I need and being happy. I guess I'd say that I'm willing to let go of a lot for the sake of getting along and happiness, but it seems like H is more picky than ever. I'll also say that the last time I reached this point, I basically threw my hands in the air and said "screw it," that's when H turned around and decided it was time to "try".
MC has also not been going great. I do like our counselor but even he, last week, suggested that maybe it is time to be done. Not what I expected and honestly I'm disappointed that he's not doing a better job helping us come up with alternatives (such as, "What are you doing differently"?) I also feel like the MC sides with my H most of the time, mostly due to the fact that he has a golden tongue and makes very convincing arguments. In fact, H even had my own father fooled for a while. H missed his calling as an attorney, that is for sure.
I'm still thinking about D, but our financial situation is not stable. I am working but I bounce around from job to job, and H actually got laid off a few weeks ago. So there's quite a bit of instability there - certainly not the right time to pursue D. Plus, I don't think we're really finished just yet.
So, all in all, not the most uplifting update - I think there are some positives here but I am so sad that H wants to focus on the negative all the time. It is very hard for me to ignore that, to walk around feeling like "it's my fault again". Not to minimize my part in any of this, as I know that I can improve, but if H would just TELL ME CLEARLY WHAT HE WANTS instead of getting his panties in a twist every time something happens that is not up to his specifications, we'd have a much easier time. I think H would be more satisfied... but the issue is he thinks he shouldn't have to communicate what he wants. I should just know what he wants. Someone who has the "right" personality would just know. I feel sorry for him that he thinks this way.
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
One other thing I forgot to mention is that I decided to quit taking the SSRI that I was taking. I was taking it mostly to control anxiety, and I don't feel anxious anymore, so I decided to try life without it. So far, so good, as far as I am concerned.
H brought this up in MC and then I got an earful from both him and the MC about how things were better with me on the SSRI and that it took the edge off my "personality". Then I said that I thought H needed to go on antidepressants, given that he is the one who is actually feeling depressed. Maybe if he was taking medication he'd be less offended all the time. I don't know. Sorry for being negative but I'm in a crappy mood and just needed to vent. Glad I have a safe place. It's so f'ing hard to DB when you are angry.
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Really....your H reminds me a lot of who I used to be. That is really sad...for him, and for you. And the double whammy....you seem to be under the same thought process as my XW....you seem to think you can do something about it. You can't make him happy....he has to choose that for himself. But that goes both ways
You think it'll be easier if he tells you what he wants, but the truth is, he probably has no idea. He's miserable, and he's pointing at every little nit thinking that's it....but it's not. He's got a lot of work to do and unfortunately, I haven't seen any changes in your sitch that would make him consider digging in.
For your part, I think you are still feeding the cycle. You need to start being who you want to be, not who you think your H wants you to be. Treat him (and others) like you want to be treated....don't take him for granted, really listen to him, have some compassion for his pain. Choose to be happy and then make it so....your H isn't in control of that. He can only affect your mindset if you let him. Choose to be the woman only a fool would leave.
I think you're absolutely right that you need to rise above the $hit....but you've been here a long time and still haven't. I'll say it again....what are you going to do different?
