Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 16 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 15 16
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 565
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 565
Quoting KAW:
I have drawn the conclusion, my W will not settle for being content in this M if she believes there is a greater happiness out there and if the odds are slim to obtain it, she seems willing to risk all she has now to pursue it.


KAW:

As you know well, I'm no expert and it saddens me to see you on the down swing lately but I couldn't help getting stuck on these words. My question to you is, what is it that you see she thinks is better out there? My next thought would be does she know what that is or she flying blind?

KAW, you give such great advice on my sitch and I'm truly thankful that you take time out of your hectic life to bother with the likes of me. I'm honored! From what you describe, your W seems to be just plain unhappy, for whatever reason. I'm not sure from reading your sitch if she believes you are the source of this unhappiness. One thing that I have learned from all of this is that only you (she)can control your happiness. No matter how much we might want to blame others for us being sad or down the only person to really blame for it is ourselves.

I guess the question I need to ask next, is there anything that you could be doing or not doing to make her perceive that you are the source of her unhappiness? There may not be anything you can do about this since she is the one who decides to be either happy or unhappy. I really believe that all you can do is create an atmosphere that shows that you are happy with her and yourself. It could be contagious. Just something to think about old friend. I hope it made some kind of sense.

bb

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 104
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 104
Hey, KAW

Don't give up on yourself. I like something I read from Aristole, it was "An unexamined life is not worth living."
You do have a lot to offer. Find that in yourself and offer that. Perhaps your wife will warm up, perhaps not, but what you offer is more than anything else that she has out there.
You have a history, and you have had her heart. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe you have forgotten to do the little things, but that's why we have forgiveness. To seek it, to ask it.
The message at my church this past weekend was about working through problems. Problems mold us into being better people.
Through all of this, take time to exam yourself, and bring you out! You're a terrific person with lots to offer, and hopefully she will see that. We can fantasize what life outside of our marriage is all we want, but to take the bait on the hook, is to buy into the lies of our culture, and we miss the blessing, and the healing, that can come in our own relationship. That's the incredible power of love, that love is transforming. May you find that transforming power of love, and see it in your life.
We're rooting for you!
DoRight

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,801
KAW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,801
Bridget & Sue ... Thanks for the boost me up posts.

Z, I know this sounds close to home and my approach to DBing my sitch is similar to how you were handing yours, particularly when OM was involved. So that's why I was kinda of hoping you might be able to see maybe where I'm missing the ball here, not in the context of open communcation specifically as now the R has crumbled past that point again.

Quoting jethro:
W finds great comfort in you. Go figure... Anyway, I believe there is strength in this comfort. I'm just hoping your W will tap into it before it's too late.
I, too, have been counting on her seeking my comfort as an asset, but unfortunate she sees it as a liability. She sees it as being too dependant on me. More on this later.

Quoting blebop:
My question to you is, what is it that you see she thinks is better out there? My next thought would be does she know what that is or she flying blind?


bb, without going over again what her journal entries from the last couple of weeks (the details to your questions are there), she doesn't accept what is has now in her life is good enough for her to be happy. She wants the feelings she has was when being with OM all the time. It like being on a high and she doesn't want to come down. She's hooked. Its almost like an addiction...

... and this weekend, it seems to taken its toll and she came crashing down, culminating in a three hour convulsive panic attack on Sunday night that only took until this morning for her to recover from. One of the reasons it got so bad, was because she wanted to try to work thru it on her own vs. seeking my comfort. Over the weekend, she was making it clear she no longer wanted me to do anything for her. Well, she couldn't get thru it on her own, so woke me up.

I did console her. After all, she had already came to the conclusion she needed my help. What good would it do for me to try to add to the injury?

On a sidebar, I did find something else that seems to work towards settling her down quicker. I stroked her hair. She always told me she hated other people's hands in her hair, but that night she seem to find comfort in it stopped shaking shortly after and gave me no hint she wanted me to stop.

She really was in no shape to go to work, but she insisted. I drove her in (we are still down to one car with the truck still in the shop). As soon as I got to work, I checked in on her. She was struggle but determined to make it thru the day. I told her to call me if she needed me for anything.

At noon, she called. Please pick me up a 2:00 o'clock. I don't want to be home alone. I picked her up. She was still visibly shaking some. We went home. She said all she wanted to do was get in bed with me and cuddle. She did a lot of hugs and holding on and small kisses, but you could see the torment in her eyes. She got hungry for dinner. D9 was still at a friends house, so W suggested some scrabbled eggs. I offer to make them for her. While I cooked her eggs and an omlet for me, she started writing in her journal ... then she came out in the kitchen and gave me a long embracing hug. The evening follow the same lines. She had a hard time falling asleep, so she laid on her stomach and I rubbed her back until she went to sleep. After watching a little TV, I went to sleep staying on my side of the bed.

This morning I woke up with her cuddling up behind me. That suprised me. Such a turn about.

Now for the bad part. Yea I know you guys are gonna stipped me of my title of "Master" because I keep doing this, but I looked to she what she wrote in her journal again. I just keep away. Basically, she's wonding if God is punishing her, but in the next paragraph, she wrote that hates being dependant on me and needs to get better physcally and mentally in order to then be able to be on her own. So despite all the affection yesterday, she still has thoughts of leaving.

Talk about vacillations!! Jethro, it seems I may need to borrow your thread title for some time to come...

I wonder what I will be coming home to tonite?

'til later,
KAW

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 476
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 476
goodness KAW - I do follow your thread from time to time and I'm so sorry for all you have to go through. You totally impress me with the things you say and I hope W will take a dag-on chill!

This is bizarre behavior imo, and forgive my ignorance, but has she been diagnosed?




Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
KAW,

did w have such "attacks" prior to the start of this whole sit??

I would suggest you stop reading her journal as it is not productive for you...you are aware of her confussion and reading her "thoughts" is only serving to confuse you...understand that she needs to work through the mess that she created...she needs to realize that god is not punnishing her she is punnishing herself.

take care of yourself and your children...be there for w if she needs you but otherwise live for you...

I think you need a break...a day off...some good ole fashion KAW time.

LL

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,234
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,234
believe nothing of what they say - including what they say with a pen!! oh and stop snooping

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Quote:

believe nothing of what they say - including what they say with a pen!! oh and stop snooping



exactically!! (meant to spell it that way) think about it KAW...is there any doubt that I love my h and want to be with him??? (I hope the answer was no!) but then how can that be so...I sure do an awful lot of questioning and doubting and complaining about him don't I?? and not just about the a and leaving me stuff...but in general...is this right?? is this supposed to be..are we doing the right thing??? it's all so damn confusing even for the one who didn't have the a...doesn't have any "mental health" issues...

I'm not saying this to you to give you hope...that would be fruitless...I'm just reinforcing the whole...pay no mind to what she writes in her journal...they are thoughts..the hashing out of things...it's obvious w needs you..(I wonder if it's obvious to you that she needs you more than you need her) and is comfortable with you and I'd bet on some level loves you too...

just relax for a while KAW and keep in mind that no matter what happens you are going to be just fine.

LL

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
Hi KAW,

Y’know something? I agree with LL. Ya gotta give yourself a break, pal.

You’re thinking too hard. It may sound hypricitical, coming from the master overthinker of all time, but you’re thinking so hard about it, trying to find a solution, that you just don’t have any perspective anymore.

Now, in practical terms, how do you stop thinking so hard?

Man! If you ever find the secret to that, let me know
Quoting KAW:
I, too, have been counting on her seeking my comfort as an asset, but unfortunate she sees it as a liability. She sees it as being too dependant on me. More on this later.
Listen to her KAW. She’s having major self esteem issues. One of the most prominent symptoms of depression, which she readily admits she’s experiencing, is low self esteem. She simply wants to be her own person. She sees her reliance on you as a weakness that she has to fight. Normally, your support of her would be an asset. And it is, sometimes. But sadly, the fact that it’s an asset conflicts with her perception of her own weakness. If you think you’re confused, imagine how she feels!
Quoting KAW:
This morning I woke up with her cuddling up behind me. That suprised me. Such a turn about.

Now for the bad part. Yea I know you guys are gonna stipped me of my title of "Master" because I keep doing this, but I looked to she what she wrote in her journal again. I just keep away. Basically, she's wonding if God is punishing her, but in the next paragraph, she wrote that hates being dependant on me and needs to get better physcally and mentally in order to then be able to be on her own. So despite all the affection yesterday, she still has thoughts of leaving.
She wants to be distinct, KAW. At the same time, she wants to cuddle. She doesn’t really want to leave. She sees leaving as a way of distinguishing herself from you.

Having said all of that, what do you do about it? Sorry, buddy. I wish I had the answers. If I did, I’d apply it to my own sit.

**sigh**


Andy
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 104
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 104
I just wanted to echo the sentiment, too: don't believe everything they say, or write. Remember, they're processing so many things themselves about issues dealing with them, and they're not even clear on much of that. It's all muddled. So be patient. It's tough. In our microwave age, we want it NOW!

Be glad she's interacting with you, and build on that.
DoRight

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,566
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,566
Kaw,

I just read what Andy wrote. I think he is right. That she needs to become her own self or define herself from you. With my W what it took from me is backing way off allowing her to come to her own conclusions, do her own things. It was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done. When she really needed I was there but other than that I was going and doing my own thing. While she was doing these things she spent money we didnt have, she was out drinking a lot. What it did for her is make her realize what she was doing and what she really wanted. I think she is still confronting some of those things. The last 3 weeks have been very mellow for the both of us. We have been having a good time going out and such. I really just think you need to let her go and do her things.

Lee

Page 10 of 16 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 15 16

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard