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A Message from Michele
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Re: The end of Limboland [Re: mj0221] #2416676
12/21/13 05:19 AM
12/21/13 05:19 AM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,583
Los Angeles
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luvless Offline
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luvless  Offline
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,583
Los Angeles
I had to keep the house…2 kids at nearby college and 1 finishing high school. We are 3 years later and 2 kids still at home and one coming home for the summer. One of us has to be a parent right?

It's sad and I wish I could move to get away from the memories but I try to keep a "home" for my kids.


M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: luvless] #2416691
12/21/13 10:02 AM
12/21/13 10:02 AM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
Asheville, NC
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Lostforwords Offline
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Lostforwords  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
Asheville, NC
Mj,

A quick suggestion on your house....New curtains, new wall hangings, and a new paint job. I highly recommend doing it yourself. You keep the house in a location you love, but you put in the sweat and hard labor to make it truly your own. I suggest also letting your daughter help....instead of fast changes to her world....she could help change her world.

You may find it very good therapy.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: Lostforwords] #2416730
12/21/13 03:18 PM
12/21/13 03:18 PM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
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mj0221 Offline OP
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mj0221  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
Thanks luvless and Lost for your input. I have gone back and forth thinking my Dad is right. He does keep saying he would hate to see me give up this nice house in this safe and awesome location for something less and I do know he's right. I know it's just the here and now that I hate being here with the memories.

The month before BD we had just completed redecorating 2 rooms, D11 and D21 so their rooms are spectacular....something I never thought we could do. I redecorated one more room within months following him leaving to keep myself busy.

I guess I need to wait and see exactly what I will get financially from the divorce and make sure I can afford it. I don't want to rely on parents and they are quite influencing because they will give whatever I need to stay here. Unfortunately I'm a very independent and private person and that kills me to lean on them if it comes to that.

As slow as this divorce is moving though I realize there is no use stressing over it until it is finalized first though.


M:40 H:42
M: 12yrs
BD: 2/1/13
H moved out: 2/22/13
D: 11
Divorce started 11/13
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: mj0221] #2416744
12/21/13 03:36 PM
12/21/13 03:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
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mj0221 Offline OP
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mj0221  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
I'm so irritated with H. The last time I contacted him was 2 months ago. He doesn't contact me except for when he slides an envelope under my garage door and sends me a text to let me know it's there.

I had to call him about something yesterday. I have learned it is safer to call because he has more of a way of getting me going in emails and texts and then he saves them. I have learned the phone is his weakness where he is a true coward.

So we got to talking for the first time in a long time. Nothing good I might add. It was simply about BD, things leading up to it and such and how it went down. He has it in his mind it was my idea we separate. I didn't explode. I wasn't exactly validating because I wasn't going to let him think he was right on that.

I still don't understand this. Does he just create this in his mind and tell people this story because I know this is exactly what he has told his coworkers. I have heard from a couple and that is what they thought. If it was my idea why would I have begged and cried and pleaded to go to counseling and done anything right then and there to have him stay in my life? I don't know why he doesn't put the two together. He obviously has issues.


M:40 H:42
M: 12yrs
BD: 2/1/13
H moved out: 2/22/13
D: 11
Divorce started 11/13
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: mj0221] #2418310
12/27/13 09:00 PM
12/27/13 09:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
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mj0221 Offline OP
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mj0221  Offline OP
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Posts: 50
Had a great Christmas with the girls. I was surprised myself I had as good a time as I did.
I managed to buy all gifts for the girls with no help from H who didn't contribute a dime and they actually told they liked everything better than they ever have. I think it's because they weren't overloaded with things.

H messaged to see if he could bring gift to Daughter. He came over after we finished our Christmas as planned. I stayed in my room, let her answer door. I was appalled. He stayed for 8 minutes. I'm ashamed he's her dad right now considering the strong bond they used to have. 8 minutes after only seeing her twice in the last year. He got her a gift and a small stuffed animal. What I think is sad, the last two nights she has slept holding tightly to that stuffed animal. She wants that relationship with him. But his excuses for no relationship with her always begin with she, her, you, y'all. Never I, me, ( for example she didn't want to see me, she heard you talking, y'all were going somewhere). He will not ever take any responsibility for the mess he created between the two of them. The 2 times they did see each other she acted like the adult and asked him and set it up. Ok enough of my rant.

I knew I couldn't make it ALL the way through Christmas. As expected, the morning after Christmas at 9:00 my attorney calls to let me know H has responded to the papers after having them for 6 weeks. I knew he was going to wait and do it on Christmas. I got mad and called him. I know I shouldn't have. He loves to see me sweat. It gives him more power. Why do I do that? My mom told me do whatever I have to do other than call him when I get mad like that because it just gives him more ammo. She works in the courts and said he can easily try and make me look crazy. Also I am furious, the papers the attorney sent uses his title, not Mr. ..... I am so worried if this goes to court I am toast with his title. My mom said let it go or I will start being made to look crazy if I fight that. I have bigger issues to fight.

Where has the sensitive, caring, never talking mean about anyone H gone? I wish he would come to his senses. Clearly he's not.


M:40 H:42
M: 12yrs
BD: 2/1/13
H moved out: 2/22/13
D: 11
Divorce started 11/13
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: mj0221] #2418355
12/27/13 11:05 PM
12/27/13 11:05 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 142
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tiredndrained Offline
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Hi MJ,
My situation is very similar. My H one day just up and changed. He was cheating for a long time but I didn't realize it. Then he spent the next year in a secret life. It was pure torture because I was not able to know anything he was up to. He told me he didn't love me and had been unhappy for years, yada yada..He moved out recently and the past year has had little if at all to do with my kids. My S12 is so angry. My h took the kids for the holiday and my son was texting me the entire time he wanted to leave. My H couldn't figure out why s12 has an attitude with him...hello?? you have been MIA for almost two years. With that being said, one thing in all of this I have learned is that they are all the same. It is some weird cult that they all subscribe to that we have no clue why or what possessed them to become this crazy alter ego.

You could have done things differently but no matter what you did the outcome likely would have been the same.

I am still in my house but can't afford it. I am basically going up a river without a paddle right now if I don't make a decision what to do. The smart thing is to move ASAP but my kids are so upset. It makes it hard. Good luck. I hope things get easier.


me-42
H-41
S-12
S-8
M-15 yr
f/o bout OW- 11-29-12
H moved out 10-31-13
Filed for divorce 12-27-13
D- 10-21-14
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: tiredndrained] #2418397
12/28/13 02:49 AM
12/28/13 02:49 AM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
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mj0221 Offline OP
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Posts: 50
Tired,
Everything you said is correct. I say my H is living a secret life now but I have to wonder just how long he was living a secret life before. My IC has really focused on the point of asking me what good will that information do me now and what will I do with it. Because I told him I am so desperately trying to detach from him and getting out of this depression my counselor is trying his best to steer me in a more focused direction.

It's difficult though when these men know when to throw something at us at just the right time to put us off our healing.....at least me that is.

Thanks for stopping by.


M:40 H:42
M: 12yrs
BD: 2/1/13
H moved out: 2/22/13
D: 11
Divorce started 11/13
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: mj0221] #2418468
12/28/13 03:39 PM
12/28/13 03:39 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 142
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tiredndrained Offline
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tiredndrained  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 142
MJ...I totally get the "Throw something at us at just the right time to put us off our healing". I live it all the time. Just as I am turning a corner and feel better I get something thrown at me. The secret life my H was living literally drove me to insanity and for a small amount it still does. It isn't just as if he decided to move on and that was it. He was literally living his life under the same roof as us and no one knew anything. My boys both said if he died tomorrow they are quite certain another family will show up at the funeral and say its his. I too stuggle so much with depression and healing. I find it so hard to get out from this rock he put me under.

I guess keep journaling and learning. I too just started the Divorce process so maybe once the divorce is final we will start to feel better. What about a support group? I was thinking I would look into one to get out and meet others face to face and see if that helps. Funny, in looking at your profile we are very similar. Same ages, my son 12, other son 8 and we been married 15 yrs. Not too much different then you. My grandmother swears something happens to men in their 40s that they just change. Hard to know. There are good men out there but maybe for some that is true.


me-42
H-41
S-12
S-8
M-15 yr
f/o bout OW- 11-29-12
H moved out 10-31-13
Filed for divorce 12-27-13
D- 10-21-14
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: tiredndrained] #2418479
12/28/13 04:14 PM
12/28/13 04:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Quote:
It's difficult though when these men know when to throw something at us at just the right time to put us off our healing.....at least me that is.
No, you're not alone and it isn't just men. I have an ex that still tries to do the same.

It's a transition and he's not handling it well. We refer to it here as MLC. Some refer to it as simply a transition not handled well. Either way, people constantly change. They have to. You have to. He has to. Your kids will have to. It's how it works.

Your mother is correct - detach from the craziness. One poster here likened it to pulling out the buttons as they are found. One at a time, remove the "buttons" he "can" push.

It's no fun to watch the dream you had go away. It's harder to see the person you trusted become something else and be the one to take that dream. But don't think for a second that's the end of the story.

This part of your story closes when you stop it. It doesn't end with divorce. It only ends when you end it because the other person will never quite go away. I live that too, mj. My ex and her husband live three blocks from me. We have two kids; one grown and in college and the other in high school. We have to have some communication and that seems to open the door for the ex to continue to berate, belittle, be angry, diagnose me as crazy, bipolar, schizophrenic, angry, crazy, and so on. This is a woman who moved out on her kids and me on Mother's day (the first time) and re-remembered her past. She told me she wants to be a single parent and doesn't want to share information with me. She tries to still pick a fight and doesn't remember those things. She tries, but I won't let her. I do not respond unless it is specifically business with the kids. It very rarely is.

My point in telling you this is to illustrate that they won't stop doing what they do. You can get angry and tell them to stop. You can get a court order. You can do all kinds of things, but they won't stop pushing your buttons until you remove those buttons from their reach.

Want to do something for you? Want to get out of that depression and anger and the rest? Feel your feelings, but don't expect to share them with him. Let your feelings out some other way. Something more satisfying.

And remove those "buttons".

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: The end of Limboland [Re: AJM] #2418522
12/28/13 07:17 PM
12/28/13 07:17 PM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
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mj0221 Offline OP
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mj0221  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 50
Tired...what your boys said my girls would be shocked....me not. D11 doesn't know anything about ow. Really none of us do. We can only speculate. I talk more to D21 because he isn't her dad, even though she still considered him dad#2, and she's and adult and can understand what's going on. I think H is waiting until D is finalized to come out with ow because it's someone I know.

Aj...I get the MLC but I don't. I feel like all I've done for months is research it. I'm a researcher and analyzer. Yeah I know, not good in a situation like this. You are spot on saying it stops when I say it stops. I HAVE figured that out but am still having trouble implementing it all the time. It's really not about contacting him.....yes I am fully aware of the contacting him for doing something stupid then him turning it around to make me look crazy bit. That I am being very watchful of as far as if this goes to court.

I will go days, weeks doing great. Then one little thing will come up and I will fall apart. Like getting the papers back the day after Christmas. I was first emotional for getting them back that day, then it all went downhill. I always have a trigger.

Did you answer this already? I need to go back and look. I know you said ex still pulls the same little things with you but as far as feeling free/detached, does it feel better when the divorce process is over?


M:40 H:42
M: 12yrs
BD: 2/1/13
H moved out: 2/22/13
D: 11
Divorce started 11/13
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