Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
Thanks Fly! Too late to leave out "happy"; I already responded.

Me: Sorry you're not feeling well w frown. Hope you get better soon! Happy to help with car. Gotta run; catch you later

Maybe I could have worded it a little better, but it was probably ok.

She did not respond, but I ended the conversation. When I did this before ending the conversation seemed to have a positive effect.

I can't read too much into anything, but being the analytical guy which I am I think her wanting a more economical car is a sign that she is cycling a bit out of MLC. Even if true, I don't necessarily see that as a positive for me. She may be seeking a fresh start or maybe has already found one....


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 270
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 270
Way too much mind reading there my friend. And I know you know that.

Its not a positive or negative towards you, its just that she wants a more economical car. You know what worked before, you wanted to give it all another try (texting thing), don't overdo it. Start slow, very slow, have some patience. You'll get your answers soon enough, but not on your time line. Maybe once every other week for now, as you need to slowly build up some communications first. Don't jump in with both feet. It would be too much too fast.

I know its all frustrating, but you can do this. If you think she's struggling financially and sick, buy some meds, and drop them off in her mail box. Have no expectations doing this. No get well soon cards either. SLOW

Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
Yeah it's mind reading ... But I am not that emotionally involved in whatever w is doing right now... My thoughts are more along the lines of ..

"will I ever have another opportunity with w?.." .

.. "Will it be another year or more before I get that opportunity?.." ..

"Do I have to move on to he point of not caring at all before my w may want back in (like the swingers clip)?"...

"Is there anything I can do?"

So right now, as far as my w goes, I am trying different things and seeing what happens taking note and adjusting my behavior. I feel like I have tried no contact and it has not gotten me anywhere... If I need to just give it more time ... Well when I decide that I am done then time can do its thing...

In the mean time I am working on getting myself into a stable career ... I have been working a lot lately in two different jobs and increasing my savings so I can afford some time away to find something better. I want to be in a place where I could support my w if she came back...

She was the bigger money earner when she left, but she hates her job. She would like to go back to school but she can't afford to do that. I would like to be able to help her


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
So against the advice of fly above ... I sent w a text simply saying "hope u r feeling better. Take care of u"

The "take care of u" line is something that I always told her when she was worrying about everything but her. A few months after bd, when I started my crazy work schedule, w said that back to me. She said "As you always tell me "take care of u""

I figured that since she told me she was sick on Friday, I should send something thoughtful a bit sooner than two weeks. Anyway, no response yet. I will give her some time and space now.


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 270
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 270
No no, I said for you TO do it, just once every other week for a bit. I even recommended buying her some meds since she was sick and dropping them in mailbox, and leave. Send a text and let her know there out there, but have no expectations. Don't overdue it.

I certainly don't have a problem with you keeping the door open a CRACK. Like I said above you know what worked last time. Just wanted you to be patient with any responses.

Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
@fly: I was just thinking that you thought I should wait two weeks before further contact and instead I waited 4 days.... Maybe I misread. Anyway, I don't know where she lives so I couldn't drop off meds.

It is funny how I feel in the hours after I attempt contact. I Definitely feel more attached to the situation in anticipation of what her response will be. It is more of a slight anxiety attached to wanting know rather than being attached to any particular outcome. Whatever the outcome of this small communication is, it doesn't mean that much.


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
Sitch update:

Wow what a week (9 days now). After a few months of virtual no-contact and getting tired of limbo, I come up with a plan of reconnecting with my w

My current master-plan: I believe that in my case, in addition to becoming the spouse only a fool would leave, I need to get my w to be irresistibly attracted to me again. I believe that I could do this by creating a sexual connection with my w. W has previously suggested to me that we could have a sexual relationship, but then she backed out suggesting that I would get too emotionally attached. Knowing her, I believe that she would get emotionally attached as well (although she says she wouldn’t I am not sure if she believes what she is saying). Anyway, I believe that she would initially be more attracted to me if she believed that I was just in it for the sex. The roadblocks that I need to overcome are my W’s fear of getting involved with me again, outside influences (w is almost certainly getting at least some of what she is seeking from an OM who she may or may not have an emotional attachment to), distance (it seems that w and I are hardly ever in the same city anymore and we are usually a few hours apart).

Events of the past 9 days:

I start with the idea seducing my w by sending funny, and sexually suggestive texts. W responds in a way that seems to be a bit flirty, but at one point it seems that she thinks I want to meet up with her to get her to sign something (perhaps move forward with divorce or some legal protections for me). At this point I respond by telling w that if I were to have her sign anything it would be a contract similar to one written by Christian Gray (basically telling her that I am looking for a sexual relationship and I am sure that she understood). Her response was “OIC…” (I am not sure if the “all caps” was meaningful here or not).

A few hours pass and communication takes a 90 degree turn heading in a completely different direction; her work has just asked her to take a step down and for my W this was huge. She has always been an incredibly hard worker, putting work in front of all other things. I know that she was devastated. I turn into the caring loving partner simply telling her that I am there for her. She says that she would like a shoulder to cry on. Then she says she would like a shoulder and a bottle of wine. But after some time passes, it seems that the logistics can’t work or that w thought better of this.
Wednesday I see w for maybe 10 minutes when she comes by to pick up some mail. I am a supportive ear and she seems to be pulling it together and looking for a new job. She was not flirty and seemed a bit closed off, but she was friendly

During our M, I had not done a good job taking care of my w and since then she has not asked me to do anything for her. She left saying that she needed someone to take care of her. When I saw w on Wednesday, I told w that I would do anything I could to help her. Thursday she seeks out my help in taking some assessments that needed to completed from home before an interview.

I spent two hours working (from a distance) with W on Friday (Valentine’s Day) helping her prepare for her interview. No happy Valentine’s Day exchanges, but apparently she is taking me out to dinner sometime. I have been there and done that. Sometimes get-togethers happen, sometimes not, but when they have happened they have not led anywhere. I finish working with her about a half hour before her meeting is to happen and she says that she will let me know how it goes.

I had not heard anything, so late Saturday I message her asking her how it went and (attempting to use humor) I suggest that they should have made her the new company CEO.

I don’t hear back until today with her telling me that she has not heard anything. In the same message she asked me if she got anymore of her important mail.

My interpretation: there may still be an opening there but there is a lot of chaos to navigate.

The potential positive: After my sexually suggestive messages w actually suggested getting together and sharing a bottle of wine. That I helped w prepare for her interview may have some long-term positive effects. W may be taking me out to dinner.

The potential negative: We did not get-together and share a bottle of wine. My helping w may actually scare her away in the short-run (she had previously told me that I care too much to be involved with her). W was too unavailable over the weekend to send me a simple text (suggesting to me that she is taking space for some reason).

The impact on me: This is exhausting. The ups and downs within a week are emotionally difficult to the extent that it is hard for me to focus on other things. I am not sure if I am happier now than I was while w and I were in virtual no-contact


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 897
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 897
It IS exhausting - but do you truly think you'll now be able to say "I did everything I could"?

Even if things don't go as you hope ~ you can walk away in that comfort.

Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
2
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 391
When I finally moved on from my first M I knew it was time. I have not gotten there yet. When I moved on from w1 it felt like the door was shut tight and there was nothing else that could be done.

With my current W, I don't know that I will ever get to that similar place. I still believe there is a small chance that things will work out. I believe that if I a keep a connection alive, at some point w may come around. But circumstance have to come together that are mostly out of my control. Keeping with it is mostly exhausting and I am not sure how much longer I can keep going before moving on.

Sometimes I wonder if I will give up before w slams the door shut in my face. At some point I may get bolder and force her hand.

For now I keep plugging away. And I continue to work on me


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Page 5 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard