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Perhaps consult a coach as well. Maybe they've. Seen this kind of thing.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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I guess its all up to whether your ready to drop the rope or not.

Are you in a hurry to get the divorce over with? Do you think a friendly communication will help one way or the other.

Since its not really going one way or the other, would waiting a little bit more really hurt anything at this point?

Are you ready to say goodbye, or is it just frustration?

The choices are simple. The answers aren't difficult. Time and patience, the mother of all evils at times.

I personally, would wait until she came to me, if I was still holding on, even if it was just a little. Be in NO HURRY to get it over with one way or the other.

Like you said, the holidays are over, there will be a lot less stress. You prob have until July, your anniv. that will be another stress point for you. A LOT could happen between then and now. Why be in a hurry unless you just don't want to do it anymore.

Its alright to not know yet, hell that's part of the process, we get tired, we get frustrated, we even get impatient. Your not supposed to have all the answers, just the time and patience to let yourself off the hook for needing it now.

We'll talk soon buddy, hang on if you still feel like, i'll be here either way for you.

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Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall

Its alright to not know yet, hell that's part of the process, we get tired, we get frustrated, we even get impatient. Your not supposed to have all the answers, just the time and patience to let yourself off the hook for needing it now.


2nd- I agree with Fly's comments, when I read your post I sensed a lot of frustration. And it appears that frustration is because your W is not reacting the way YOU want her to react. She was reaching out to you, so you started getting your hopes up. Then she pulled back again and you got upset/ frustrated. That's why we call it the roller coaster, there are highs and lows!

It's tough detaching from the roller coaster, but it's the best thing you can do for your own sanity. When you get to the point where you really don't care when your W reaches out or pulls back, when her roller coaster ride has no effect on your own attitude, THEN you'll be in a position to decide whether you want to continue standing or pursue D. I don't think you're there yet, so time, space and detachment is what you should concentrate on. You can do it smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks Fly and AS! I wrote a long response to this post about a week ago but somehow it got deleted before I could post. I just didn’t have it in me to write the whole thing again at that time.

AS, I have always admired the way you have handled your own situation from afar; you always seem to do the right thing.

Fly, you always give great advice to others, but I rarely see updates of your own situation. Hope you are doing well!!

For me, I just have trouble seeing the difference between detaching to the point of not caring what w does and being ready to move on. Doing nothing and just letting time pass may emotionally get me to where I need to be to just move on. Remaining open to a possible reconciliation while detaching seems like a reasonable goal, but I just haven’t been able to find that place.

At this time I still have lingering hope, but I feel like I need to do something or any opportunity I have will disappear. In the beginning we get here and time may be on our side. Getting past the initial shock of the bomb and finding a way to be happy on our own takes time. Working on ourselves takes time. For me, I have some goals that will take me years to reach. Our WASs also have time to get over the initial split and live on their own for a while.

Right now I don’t feel like time is on my side anymore.

When my w was reaching out to me, I may have had an opportunity and I just didn’t get it right. I am not beating myself up over that. With all the unknowns I did the best I could with the information I had available to me.

Oddly, the one regret that I have is that I didn’t chase at all in the beginning. I am pretty certain that a needy crying whining kind of chasing would never work, but I could have been more persistent about wanting the marriage to work. I know that from the stories here it seems like that never works. But do you ever think that some who do those things in the beginning save their marriages and so we never hear their stories.

I have gone back and read 25s last post to me and the message I get is that maybe I should be more active rather than passive. Just waiting for something to happen with my w is not going to get me anywhere. I just have to think of something to do.


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
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2, its damn good to hear from u.

I understand how you feel completely. I don't update my sitch, well cause there's nothing to update. I ve voted for presidents more often than speaking to my wife. I got a great new place on the other side of town. Started a new job. And, well I just get up every morning and move along a little further every day.I wish it was different sure, but right now I'm only in control of what I have choices over. I've just realized she's going to do what she wants, and that's without me. I still have to take care of myself. my bills and my son.

A lot of us started "name-DB" FB accounts. A lot of us are friends with michelle weirner-davis. Its a great outlet, we keep it anonymous, and have great fun nightly. Come and join us.

I feel like we're still living the same situation, you and I. I'm not ready to date, but I've learned to drop the rope and just get on with life. Maybe someday it will be different, but for now it is what it is. Every once in a while the hope kicks in, but its short lived, so I do laundry, make dinner, or go shopping for something for the new place. I land on my feet pretty fast. My wife still hasn't pushed for any divorce either, but that's pretty common for her family. They just run, her dad is still married to a woman he hasn't seen in 15 years. I won't let that happen, but it might be soon, as I I'm ready either way.

Sound familiar? Come find me on FB, you'll recognize a lot of names. Great support and have a good time.

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"Oddly, the one regret that I have is that I didn’t chase at all in the beginning. I am pretty certain that a needy crying whining kind of chasing would never work, but I could have been more persistent about wanting the marriage to work. I know that from the stories here it seems like that never works. But do you ever think that some who do those things in the beginning save their marriages and so we never hear their stories."

My ex told me that the thing that helped her reconsider reconciliation was the fact that I was being persistent with out pressure. Will that work a second time who knows. I know that by the time she asked to try again I was pretty much detached from her.

I know I have to detach to have another reconciliation but it is so damn hard. I wish we all had a fast forward button. Time needs to go by. Time to heal... Time to grow...


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
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Originally Posted By: 2ndtimearoundCA

AS, I have always admired the way you have handled your own situation from afar; you always seem to do the right thing.


Thank you! I have had my own ups and downs for sure, but I think that's just part of the process for all of us smile

Quote:
For me, I just have trouble seeing the difference between detaching to the point of not caring what w does and being ready to move on.


Yeah, there's not much of a difference. There's that saying around here that "they have to learn to miss you" and they never will as long as we're waiting for them. And that is the ultimate irony, we have to quit being interested in them before they may start being interested in us again.

Quote:
Right now I don’t feel like time is on my side anymore.


Well, I know that feeling. Sometimes I start thinking about my age and can get anxious about moving on, but other times I ask myself if a few more months of waiting is going to matter one way or the other. So basically I just GAL and even go out on the occasional date and just leave the D in W's hands. Maybe there will come a time that I get tired of it and push the D through myself, but for now I'm OK with life as-is.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I have not been posting too often but here is a summary of my situation. I decided to be a bit proactive today and I will post that next

Timeline summary

BD 2/24/13

Living separately by mid-March (when w was staying in house I was not and visa versa)Tons of circumstantial evidence about existence of OM by end of March. I confront w about OM. W denies OM but says that she needs that connection (sex) and will be dating.W moves out of house 4/15/13


End of April I begin following a text messaging strategy that I found on the internet. I had very little expectations about this strategy but it seemed to work very well. W began contacting me and asking to meet at the gym or for drinks. I did get the ILYBNILWY speech at one point but things kept progressing until the end of June when we had agreed to go to Las Vegas together in late July. She canceled two days before we were to fly out.

End of August thru mid October w and I were meeting for drinks or dinner every few weeks. At one point w sent me a text asking me to have sex with her. Logistics were such that I could not make it happen quickly. The next week we went out to dinner and she came back to the house and when it felt like something might happen she said that ex sex was a bad idea becasue I would get too emotionally involved. That night she told me that when things get tough she runs away. She said she was running away then, but two weeks later we were having dinner again.


This is the last time we did something together


She text me after


Her: thank you for a stress free evening. Sweet dreams


I text her back in the morning

Me: was nice to get some stress relief after a long hard day... Good morning

While w and I were together that night, w expressed some anxiety about needing to fulfill a continuing education requirement for a license that we both possess. I told her that I would take care of getting her signed up. So I took care of this for her and she text me a few days later thanking me and telling me I am wonderful.

We had a bit of communication via text after that meeting, but then W iginored a couple of texts that I sent. Right around my birthday in mid november w appeared again via text and asked me to have drinks only to apparently forget the night we were supposed to go.

She said she wanted to give me a rain check and was super busy with work. I suggested we get together on a weekend and she said that she was working right thruough the weekeends. I pushed it a bit this time and suggested that she could take a break. She said that she was out of town the next two weekends.

A few weeks later I sent a happy thanksgiving text and she didnt respond.

I had a bit of a backslide the week after thanksgiving.

I woke up in the middle of the night frustrated and text her: "time for something different"

That text of course made no sense. She responded the next morning "???"

I responded "for example different registration stickers on your car"

I had a bunch of her mail including her car registration. I know that was a bizarre response from me.

She responded by basically telling me I am a weirdo, but said she wanted to stop by to pick up her mail.

When W stopped by to pick up her mail it was the first time I had seen her in two months. I wasn't really prepared for her. When she text me two days before, she said she was coming by 3 hours earlier than she came, so I figured it wasn't going to happen and I had forgotten about it. I was sitting in the kitchen entering grades with Christmas music blasting. I realized after she left that I was sitting in the late afternoon twilight with only Christmas tree lights on in the adjacent room. Our interaction lasted about two minutes. I had to go outside and get her mail from where I left it for her to pick up if I wasn't home. She commented on a slightly damaged window frame on the front of the house.She returned some Christmas decorations that she took when she moved out and belong to me.That's it. She thanked me and said bye.

Last time i saw her a gave her a hug goodbye. Didn't seem like the right thing to do this time. I noticed that her hair looked nice but didn't say anything. I was a bit toungetied. Probably would have been nice for me to say...

Most recently early this month (January 2014) w and I met for about 15 second when she transfered a phone line from my account to hers. We have not communicated in about three weeks now. We said maybe two words to each other that day.

This is where I am at on January 24 2014

We are seaparated with no papers filed for Divorce


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
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Posts: 391
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I joined the facebook folks and I wrote the above summary so I decided to post it here as well.

I was thinking about my situation and everything I had been through and in a spontaneous moment I sent my W a simple text message.

Me: Walked past xxx tasting room. Thought of you. Hope you're well.

Her (about 15 minutes later): "Ah thank you. I was fortunate enough to get the flu bug. Only worked 1 day this week. Been in bed trying to get well frown

on another note.. I am thinking about trading car in for something more affordable. Will need you to approve trade in when the time comes."

I will respond soon that I hope she gets better soon. And I am happy to help with the car.

I am not sure if she was friendly becasue she needs my help with something .. but anyway silence is broken


Me-45
W-44
T-7 years
M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated)
Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
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That's fine 2t,

Still no negative here, don't let your mind take it that way.

I wouldn't use the word happy in the car response either. Maybe more of a "anything I can do to help" response might be better.

Who cares why she was friendly, the silence is broken. Work your plan, the answers will come one way or the other. Don't let limbo or impatience dictate needing answers, unless you just aren't feeling it anymore. Which I can is not it yet, or you wouldn't be worrying WHY she was friendly. Patience my friend, patience, you prob have another year of this before you'll see anything positive. Or sooner, negative, if you push things.

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