I'm Still Standing

[complicated]

It was time for a new thread. I never thought I would still be standing after over 3 years and almost divorced 1 1/2 years ago. He says he is filing in January but I keep thinking of what Cadet posts "believe none of what they say and half of what they do".

I know I'm a better person and it has been confirmed by my kids so that makes me happy. I feel better. If my marriage is not saved at least I have that to be thankful.

I don't know what the holidays have in store for us. After not being very nice for a couple of weeks H is at least being civil. He knows the kids like Christmas lights outside and D21 and I put them up but had a few problems. H came over and fixed them and told me what I had to replace. A week ago I didn't think he would even do that.

What I find very strange is H won't hardly come to the house, even if i'm not home. When I was out of town we needed someone to take care of the dogs. Instead of staying here he came over let them out, fed them and left. I don't understand this. He continually says that he feels displaced and he doesn't have anywhere he feels home and he won't even come to the house he owns.

[LoisB]

I can't believe I'm still here too Complicated. That's been a hard pill to swallow lately. The second Thanksgiving without H really hit me hard.

I, too, am seeing how I'm changing. I'm different. I'm a better mom and person with more joy to share. I had a friend tell me yesterday how lucky she feels to have me as her friend because I spread light and joy. I was so flattered and I have this board and this journey to thank for it.

I guess our H's just don't know what they are missing. Sad dolts.

Love to you,

Heather

[RosaLinda]

Hey Complicated! Great song and name for your thread! I'm glad your H is acting civil, but how strange that he won't come in the house. Poor man, how confused he must be to feel so displaced with no where to call home, when his loving family would so welcome him to his own home.

About filing in January, my H had a deadline of October 2nd (the Russian laid down the law) but it's been 2 months and nothing yet. Let's just keep believing in Cadet's promise that we cannot believe anything they say.

And yes, we all have a LOT to be grateful for, even if our marriages are not saved. Thanks for the reminder

[complicated]

RL and Heather, Thanks for the replies.

Heather, We do the hard work and they still complain. I know how your H has been too. I'm not going to change back. I know I needed to make those changes but our H's don't see the whole picture. They are truly broken.

I have a feeling my H is going to be very sorry. How do I know this? Because he has gone back and forth as it is. To just throw in the towel without giving it a try is unbelievable. Even his mother is on my side regarding D. We have also had very intimate moments throughout this time. How can you do this if you don't feel anything for that person? I couldn't but maybe that's me. And yes, the 2nd Thanksgiving and now the 2nd Christmas.

RL, I don't understand your H. In a way I would love to see you say if I'm so terrible what is keeping you here? He has it made with you. You are wonderful to him despite how horrible he is to you. I just wish he would tell RT "I can't do anything to get you a green card" and I bet he gets dumped in a matter of minutes. How can he see that (sometimes) but still want that situation.

I do feel so bad for our H's but that still does not give them the right to treat us so terrible. If my H stays with HW (homewrecker) then he'll have to deal with the fallout from the kids and his parents.

So I realize your H gave you the October deadline but my H has confessed he has already seen a lawyer because he has realized that he has been unhappy for a long long time, even before the issues with our oldest. He of course doesn't see what he did to me nor do I bring it up. Why? It wouldn't do any good. So I do think he'll go through with it. Afterall we were almost D'd about 1 1/2 years ago when he stopped it.

He also reported he wants to spend Christmas Eve with the kids and his family and I get Christmas Day. That means he doesn't intend to come over Christmas morning. I wonder how the kids will feel about that.

I am very upset at this news but as my kids say, I should have been expecting it. We have been separated for 1 1/2 years. I think it is just the reality. I know I'll be fine. I just have to get there.

Take care everyone.

[willbwell]

hi complicated, I need to catch up on your thread. sounds so familiar...

[complicated]

Hi all, I commented on Linda's thread as it seems we will be in the same boat for a while. My h is filing this month.

Through all of his IC he still believe's I'm the problem in our marriage and him. I have always treated him poorly etc etc. The same message we have all gotten.

My situation fully took hold in 2010 when my oldest daughter went to college. I wasn't there to take her because I was with our middle daughter visiting a college for her. He will never forgive me for that. Long story I believe he had already started his affair with OW which I believe is probably still going on but what good is it to dwell on it.

He doesn't answer texts or phone calls which makes it very difficult to parent our kids who are older but believe me issues still come up.

I think it is probably going to get ugly because he can't forgive. He holds on to everything and remembers things I did that he didn't like when we were first married, 26 years ago. I truly believe this is part of the reason he is not happy. Now he has to live with the fact he had an affair.

The holidays were very tough. I am committed to not date until the d is final because I just think it is best for all involved. I believe God will look out for me as well as all of my friends and family. It is so hard to totally detach because of the kids. I have gotten a personal trainer to help me get back in shape and hopefully more energy. I am chalking it up to depression but I need to start doing more for me besides just going out. Not to mention exercise is good for me anyway.

I haven't been posting because I have been trying to deal with all of this. I hope all of you find what you are looking for. Part of me believes that H is going to regret this because there have been no less than 5 times when he was ready to work on us. Get out the 2x4's but we had sex several times over the last 1.5 years that he moved out and I don't believe in a minute that he didn't feel anything.

We had been going through a divorce before he moved out and we both called it off to make sure and he moved out at that time. I guess he knows what he is doing. He says he still is not happy and he has realized through is counselor that it has been going on long before the issues with our oldest daughter and I am the cause of his unhappiness.

I certainly hope he finds happiness. I also hope someday he realizes that I wasn't the cause of his unhappiness and our marital breakdown was not all my fault. It really hurts that he still feels that way.

Here's to a better year this year for all of us!!!!