yes I do have a hard time letting it go..I believe I have let most of it go..I did accept h home...I say it would have been easier had he not left simply because it was three months of "trying" after the disclosure of the "friendship" before he actually left...it was in some ways easier when he was gone because then I didn't know the whole truth (and sometimes wonder if I do) about things..when h returned a new set of lies was uncovered..yes h was the one to admit them but knowing that I was deceived not just once but twice (he continued to see ow after I found out before he left) makes it difficult for me to truly accept that he is not doing the same now...I should accept h's statement as that was then this is now...he truly didn't have to come home...I had stopped asking...I had actually been pushing him to get the d moving and had just taken his ring from him shortly before he decided to come home.
while h was gone I had accepted the r with ow as best I could from the information he had given me...but when he returned he told me more about it...it was devistating...it may have been easier on me if I knew then what I knew now...then at least during the six month sep I could have been dealing with those facts instead of being given them upon his return.
I do my best to not push h asside...I do my best to not give him the cold sholder...sure there are times when I may seem distant but I let h know that I am waiting for him to come to me or ask me to come to him (refering to sitting on the couch together) I am waiting to get comfortable just doing it...but it seems just when I get to a point where I am comfortable being the initiator of physical affection (and not just sexual) h seems to pull away...(or maybe it is just in my mind)
it's a tough ride...but I think that someday I will have a very nice letter to write to michelle calling my story one of success....unfortunate that this tragedy had to occur..that my children (luckily son was young and hopefully wont remember why he asks daddy if he's comming to his house just as I didn't remember why I refered to my father as my new daddy) had to endure such a crappy summer...but when I sit and look back it really wasn't all that bad...in a sense it was liberating...I no longer feel the need to live up to the ridiculous standards that I felt h wanted...I've realized those standards are that of his mother and family NOT his...we are becomming friends...it's taking some time but we are getting there...each backslide is gotten over faster and faster...I'm learning to let things go and looking to the next day as a fresh start instead of holding onto the gripes of yesterday.
I hate that this had to happen....hate that h was so blind to the love I had for him that he sought out the admiration of a foolish immature woman...perhaps someday h will see her for what she was...I feel bad for him in that he doesn't yet see it...and I know that when he does he will feel shame for it...he's already dissapointed in himself for what he's done to me but I know the pain he will feel when he truly realizes what a scam he was involved in.
I'm finding myself stuck. I trust h (at least I think I do) but then when I find myself really trusting him that neg little voice comes along and says "oh really now, foolish little girl, why should you trust him? look how he had you fooled for so long"
I would hope that the path things took with h and ow would lead them to no longer be comfortable holding on, but then again I know they still could...would it matter in the end?? I don't know...
I'm trying to trust that h really does love me and not just as the mother of his children but as a woman..one that can be his friend his companion etc.
it all seems to be going well...but the questions are still there...
why are you here? do you love me? is she really gone? will you leave again? are you happy here at home?
funny thing h just the other night asked when our next appointment with c is...
struck me as odd for him to ask...makes me susspisious...does he has something to say???
well we missed our appointment (I forgot to put it on the calendar) so now we have to wait two weeks.
I hope I can continue to just keep my mouth shut...and let things be..if h needs to address something he'll have to do it.
I do still wish that h were still as attentive and supportive as he was when he first came home...sometimes he is and sometimes he isn't...
h has been working alot still and now on top of it has some evening appointments...arrrrgggg!!! we do have plans to get out maybe fri night...do some errands...catch a bite to eat...just have to find a sitter...
I guess all I can do is wait and see...wait and see...wait and see....more of that patience crap!! yuck!!
I guess I should be happy...all in all we are doing very well...it's just those damn bad thoughts of the past that are tearing me down.
Quote: I guess I should be happy...all in all we are doing very well...it's just those damn bad thoughts of the past that are tearing me down.
oh ya, and the fact that I want to put ow in her place, make her feel bad, all I really want to say is "hope that charm didn't mean to much to you cause my h, the man you think is soooo in love with you, threw it in the dumpster...even I wouldn't have done that to you...I wanted to put it in your mailbox so you could at least have it...but he chose on his own to put it in the dumpster...anyway have a nice life"
but I know calling her for anything would simply let her know she's still in my thoughts...
funny thing is she's not so much in my thoughts...it's h that is...the deceit from him...the lies from him...even while he was gone..sil wanted to go kick her butt...even called her...I kept telling her and his family that she owes me nothing..her issue is with her h...my issue is with mine...I guess I just turn my anger toward her when I don't want to be mad at h..when I want to see him as the victim...he was a victim..but he knew what he was doing...wonder if he gets it yet??
I've read your thread quite a few times but have never posted! It makes me feel better to know that someone else has the same doubts and fears. You know you count yourself lucky that things are going better but all these doubts and anger just keep coming back to haunt you.
Are these feelings normal? Is this just part of the healing/grieving process?
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.
Quote: You know you count yourself lucky that things are going better but all these doubts and anger just keep coming back to haunt you.
Are these feelings normal? Is this just part of the healing/grieving process?
hey deanna,
I would imagine that theese feelings are very normal, just look around here in piecing and you'll see we all get stuck with the same things...(I know at least for me shortly after a rant I read others and see they are in the same place) theese are all the things we have to deal with as a result of what has happend in our marriages.
now how we deal with each of the issues...is another story!!
hey how evil would it be to attend ow's next open house (looks like she's having one every sunday til she sells it) (she's never seen me) have a look at her little castle, intimidate her with the presence of another woman who may or may not be me (ooooh she'd tremble) and then just leave a copy of dr in a random room????
naaaaaa!!! not worth my time...but it sure would be fun!!!
A suitable fantasy (attending OW's open house) but wouldn't result in anything positive.
How's things?...sounds like you are having good days and bad days, but your H is still there. Sounds a lot like a functioning M. Perhaps some maintenance required but you're doing that. My guess is that things will work out in the end.
NYP 