Hello. I'm looking for advice, help, and guidance.
My wife and I have been having trouble for sometime. I haven't been living up to my duties as a husband. I haven't respected, acknowlwdged, complimented, given bad looks, upset when I feel she wasn't doing enough for the house, haven't satisfied emotion needs, listened, etc.
I have hurt her so much. These behaviors have occured before. We would talk, work it out, and I would return to old behaviors after some months. She feels lonely and extremely hurt. I allow myself to get to stressed out from work and other things. I've lost sight of what's important and took this out on her. Our communication had turned into me complaining constantly. Putting my stress and worry on her. Another problem.
She has left our house to stay at her parents. She wanted a break. At the time it wasn't a break from our marriage but a break from our surroundings and me. Time to think and find herself again. It hurt but I understood she wanted time and space.
After a week of being away (a few days ago) she called to have a talk. She imformed me that she wanted a divorce. She was too hurt by my actions and behavior once again. I expressed that I do not want a divorce, I want to work things out. I let her know what I have been doing since she left. She noticed. She wanted me to respect her decision and that she doesn't feel like trying again. I have caused too much pain. She has tried to tell me she was hurting and what I was doing and how I wasn't hearing her. I proceeded to tell her that I know I have hurt her, the damage I caused, and believe we could repair our marriage, fix bad behaviors and so on, and that I love her. She knows how I feel about her, repairing our marriage, and I don't want a divorce. That's all I could do. She was done talking about it. She said she loves me and misses me. She feels like she has lost herself, is suffocating, and hurt by the pain I caused.
Since then she has taken off her Married staus on a social media outlet and changed to her maiden name. This hurt my heart. I let it go and didn't say anything about it. Later in the day I sent a short, simple, somewhat funny message. Nothing about us or our relationship other than it was something with the house. Her response was that I was upsetting her. She wants me to leave her alone. Since then I have not posted anything.
It appears that she is friends again with a girlfriend she had a falling out with, listening to music and doing things she hasn't done for sometime, visiting friends and places she hasn't been able to. I thought this was a good thing for her but I also believe some of these friends may be pushing her to the decision of divorce. I also believe she may have entertained the thought herself. I hurt her and wasn't changing when she tried to tell me. She felt it and is serious enough to tell me she wanted one.
I've been doing a lot of self help, reading marriage books as well, keeping busy, and working on myself. During this process I have accepted my faults, what I've done to damage our marriage, my bad behaviors, and how much I hurt her. I would like counseling, for myself and us, I don't want to divorce but try again. She doesn't want to talk or have contact. I have to respect that but feel I have take action before it all is too late. But I am trying remain calm and give her this freedom and space.
I was wondering when my post would show up. Seemed like forever.
She left her new Credit card and needed it. Last time she asked about it was Tuesday. Since then I have mailed it along with a letter I wrote.
We have had limited contact but recently there has been more texts. She seems to be reaching out but I'm not sure. Some calls I missed and no voicemails left. I ask and she says she'll call later. What do I do?
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. The first time she said she was unhappy was about 9 years ago....we worked on things...got better. About 3.5 years ago she had an EA with an ex boyfriend.....more counseling.....got better.
Now she has had bariatric surgery, lost 100 pounds, and finally finished school and got a job as a teacher. So a lot of change for her this last year. Now, she feels 'like she is mentally disconnected from the marriage', that in her mind it is over.
We have been discussing difficulties for the past two months, celibate, and the above statement was from last night. So when i asked her 'what are we going to do now', she stated she was 'OK with the living arrangement'. I have read divorce busting in full and I paid for the download of Michele's couples class from the 90's (based on the way she is dressed ). Asking my wife if it was time to watch another segment of the video is when she claimed 'i feel disconnected from the marriage'...eg, why bother.
So it has been amicable so far, no pleading, no rationalizing why we should stay together. Again, after last night's discussion i stated 'well, i am going to continue to work on myself and even if things dont work out, i will still be a better person at the end'. I did admit that i have been in a rut the past few years and i can see that her changing and my not, could be a source of friction.
So now what? Financially there is going to be no one moving out anytime soon. But I am married, not interested in having a room mate whom i also have children with! How to detach without being a prick when we live in the same house?
Frustration abounds! So Burning Heart you are not alone.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6