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A Message from Michele
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Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) #2409051
11/27/13 05:26 PM
11/27/13 05:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
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AnotherStander Offline OP
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AnotherStander  Offline OP
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Time for yet another new thread in my ongoing saga wink

Link to previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=31339

Summary:
- BD was not quite 18 months ago
- Separated 14 months ago (W renting house 5 minutes away)
- 50-50 custody of kids
- W said about 5 months ago she wants to proceed with divorce. She said her lawyer filed the petition, but I've never received notification so I don't believe it was ever filed.
- About 4 months ago W was diagnosed with breast cancer, so the D went on hold. She underwent radiation treatments but elected not to have chemo. Her treatments were completed about 2 months ago.
- There is a much younger OM (mid-30's) who was actively involved with W, including going along with activities with our kids. Based on some snooping it seems clear that W has a crush on him, but I don't know if it's a PA or EA or if it goes both ways or not. It seems to have "cooled off" in the last couple of months, they're still in touch but he's not around as much from what the kids tell me.

Update- I contacted W yesterday and asked her what the status of the D was since I haven't heard anything for over a month. She said she submitted the revised paperwork and some questions to her L late last week and is supposed to meet with them, but hasn't heard back from them regarding a date for the meeting. I sent her the following response:

Quote:
Thanks for the divorce info. I do want to tell you one thing in that regard, at this point I don't feel strongly about working on things but I would consider it for the kids' sake. This is really tearing them up, much more than you know because they don't talk to you about it. And you never went through it yourself, so you don't know how devastating it is. But once this divorce is final, that door closes forever. I will never consider reconciling after that. So make absolutely sure this is what you want before you file.


I wouldn't say it was the "right" thing to say from a DB'ing perspective, but I have been thinking about this for months and it is how I feel, and I wanted to inform W in writing. I am not real fired up about reconciling even before D, but if the D proceeds then I will close that chapter and be done with it. I fully expect not to get a response at all and I am sure I'll see the D paperwork soon. And that's OK. I said what I wanted to say and don't feel anything more needs to be said by me.

D19 is driving in from college probably as I write this. Once she gets here I'm taking the kids to Houston to my mom's for Thanksgiving. My brother (without his kids) and sister (with her family) will be there as well, so it should be a fun time! My mom has 20 acres and a big house, a 4 wheeler that the kids love to ride and a barn that we fly R/C helicopters in. And she always puts out a huge spread of food, she lives for this stuff smile

Just got a raise and bonus at work too, so that was great news smile Unfortunately the bonus will almost all go to paying my property taxes, but it would have really crunched my budget if not for the bonus so it's very welcome.

Specialk posted this in my last thread but I couldn't reply because it was locked:

Quote:
Seeing that book would have surprised me too! Have you noticed a change in your W's behavior recently?


If anything she's gotten more cold and distant lately. It seemed like she was warming up ever so slightly a month or so ago, but that was short-lived. Who knows what the deal was with the book (for those that didn't read it in the last thread, I saw a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage" on her nightstand when I was picking up the dogs at her house), for all I know someone bought it for her and she just stuck it there without ever cracking it. Or maybe she's reading it so she can improve her R with OM, LOL! I'm not reading anything into it, especially in light of the news that she's pushing forward with D.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: AnotherStander] #2409085
11/27/13 06:22 PM
11/27/13 06:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
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AJM Offline
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Quote:
I wouldn't say it was the "right" thing to say from a DB'ing perspective, but I have been thinking about this for months and it is how I feel, and I wanted to inform W in writing. I am not real fired up about reconciling even before D, but if the D proceeds then I will close that chapter and be done with it. I fully expect not to get a response at all and I am sure I'll see the D paperwork soon. And that's OK. I said what I wanted to say and don't feel anything more needs to be said by me.
I dunno. I'd say it was the right thing to say from a DB perspective. You felt it, you thought about it for a long time, and you said it. DB is not ALL about getting your marriage back. It's about getting your life back regardless of what your spouse does or doesn't do. There is more to life than marriage, right? Your W has to make her decisions the same as you do and although she may be trying to figure things out, it may be too little too late for the marriage to be saved. It takes two.

Sounds like a great time for Thanksgiving. I hope it is for you and your kids and family.


Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: AJM] #2409099
11/27/13 06:56 PM
11/27/13 06:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
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AnotherStander Offline OP
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AnotherStander  Offline OP
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Thank you AJ, that gives me a boost of confidence to read your take on it, I appreciate it smile And thanks for the wishes, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving as well, and I wish a great Thanksgiving to all my other DB buddies too laugh


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: AnotherStander] #2409226
11/28/13 12:53 AM
11/28/13 12:53 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,516
USA
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tori2012 Offline
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AS, decided to make a quick stop by the boards today to say hello and Happy Thanksgiving.

I believe you did the right thing by being honest, but these are things I sensed by reading the message:

1. There's no enthusiasm to reconcile (doing it "for the kids' sake.)
2. There's a hint of accusation: "you never went through it yourself, so you don't know how devastating it is." This is likely to place your W in a position of defending herself--and she'll stop listening.
3. There's a threat: "I will never consider reconciling after that."
You already sent the message, though, so you'll see what happens next. I know the way she's behaved in the past, so I completely understand the way you feel. Continue being a great father and taking care of yourself. Take care, AS.

Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: tori2012] #2409269
11/28/13 06:01 AM
11/28/13 06:01 AM
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Europe
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Fartiltre Offline
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AS,

Why do you think you had the need to tell W about your stand?

F


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
_______________________________
Do or do not – there’s no try.
Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: Fartiltre] #2410343
12/03/13 02:11 PM
12/03/13 02:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
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swoop Offline
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As, I understand your need to write that letter. I have struggled with putting across something similar to my W. The only thing that has stopped me is the realization that it would only be for me. W is making her decisions, and your input really is not on the table anymore in regards to what she takes into consideration. I think we, as the LBS, sometimes forget that our spouses feelings probably don't mimic ours, at least that hasn't been my experience. My guess is, she will use your letter as more fuel to flee.....but maybe that is exactly what you need. Maybe I do too.

I am happy to hear you are feeling strong!


Me:46 Her:38
My D: 11
Her S: 8


Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: tori2012] #2410471
12/03/13 07:36 PM
12/03/13 07:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,098
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AnotherStander Offline OP
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Hey all,

Took the kids to my mom's farm for Thanksgiving, I think everyone had fun. The trip wasn't without some family drama, there is always friction between my dad and BIL but this time it really got ugly. But that's a story for another forum! My girls talked me into taking them Black Friday shopping, so we ventured out at around 11:00 pm. The mall was packed! It worked out well because they picked stuff out, I bought it and set it aside to give to them at Christmas. We ended up getting in bed around 2:30 am, ugh!

Originally Posted By: tori2012

1. There's no enthusiasm to reconcile


That's correct, and that's what I was trying to communicate.

Quote:
2. There's a hint of accusation: "you never went through it yourself, so you don't know how devastating it is."


I understand what you're saying, but there's a lot of history in my statement that's not being conveyed here. W and I have discussed this many times in the past going way back to before we were married, I have really opened up to her about the hurt I went through over my parents' divorce and the pain that I still carry to this day from it. She has always acknowledged that she didn't go through it and doesn't really understand how it could hurt as much as I've described. In fact it's one of the biggest reasons we were together for so many years before getting married and we've discussed that too.

Quote:
3. There's a threat: "I will never consider reconciling after that."


I don't see it that way and doubt W does. I know a lot of WAS's have a fantasy that years down the road they might reconcile with the LBS, I just want to make sure she understands that it's not a possibility.

Quote:
so you'll see what happens next


I really didn't expect any kind of response from her and didn't get any. We've communicated several times since about kid stuff (mainly upcoming bday and Christmas plans) but nothing more has been discussed about it. D is "full steam ahead".

Originally Posted By: Fartiltre

Why do you think you had the need to tell W about your stand?


Because the D is imminent, I'm just making clear to her that if there's any fiber in her being that is having second thoughts then she needs to act on that now rather than later.

Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
The only thing that has stopped me is the realization that it would only be for me.


Exactly right, and that's why I did it.

Quote:
W is making her decisions, and your input really is not on the table anymore in regards to what she takes into consideration.


Quite right, but that's nothing new, we've been S'd over a year and we ceased having input into each others' lives a long time ago.

Quote:
My guess is, she will use your letter as more fuel to flee


Nah, she was as "gone" as "gone" gets already. I think what I've learned over the last 18 months is that nothing I've said or done has changed that for her in the least. She is totally gone. I was cleaning some stuff off my computer and found all my notes from the MC we went through in June of last year. W said to the C that she felt "ambivalence" towards me. That word describes her attitude perfectly. There's no anger, hatred, spewing or anything of the sort. There's also no love or even "like" expressed. She's been completely ambivalent throughout. In the stories of reconciliation I've read, the WAS typically either continued to show some interest or they went to the opposite extreme of showing hostility. I've never read about an ambivalent, low-energy WAS that reconciled. The thing is, if a spouse is showing anger then they still have some kind of emotions for the spouse. And it's easier for negative emotions to transition to positive emotions then it is for love to emerge out of the absence of all emotion.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: AnotherStander] #2410735
12/04/13 10:57 AM
12/04/13 10:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2012
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subguy Offline
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Quote:
Nah, she was as "gone" as "gone" gets already. I think what I've learned over the last 18 months is that nothing I've said or done has changed that for her in the least. She is totally gone. I was cleaning some stuff off my computer and found all my notes from the MC we went through in June of last year. W said to the C that she felt "ambivalence" towards me. That word describes her attitude perfectly. There's no anger, hatred, spewing or anything of the sort. There's also no love or even "like" expressed. She's been completely ambivalent throughout. In the stories of reconciliation I've read, the WAS typically either continued to show some interest or they went to the opposite extreme of showing hostility. I've never read about an ambivalent, low-energy WAS that reconciled. The thing is, if a spouse is showing anger then they still have some kind of emotions for the spouse. And it's easier for negative emotions to transition to positive emotions then it is for love to emerge out of the absence of all emotion.


That describes my situation to a tee... no emotion at all. Funny thing is her father does the same thing, when angry at someone he disown's them and will refuse to speak at all for years. Coincidence??

What you did was state a boundry and take some of your power back. If X happens y and z will follow, period. I think at some point we need to be able to state our limits. What kind of life/relationship should we have? One full of second guesses and constant worry about what was said or a life where our SO accepts that we are all not perfect, forgives and tries to improve...

As long as that is how you feel and not a ploy to force her back and from your post's I don't think it's a tactic...


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: subguy] #2410738
12/04/13 11:19 AM
12/04/13 11:19 AM
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JuneReN Offline
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Good for you. On our way to closure, aren't we?

How strong you've become and sure of your path. Congrats.

Your kids will be okay, imo, I wouldn't get back with WAS for the kids. I am at the point where I want it all (a little greedy). I'm willing to wait, be it my H or someone else, but I couldn't do it "for the kids" simply because I don't think I am strong enough or graceful enough and my love tank would empty real fast.

Good Luck my friend smile

Re: Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI) [Re: JuneReN] #2411496
12/06/13 04:34 AM
12/06/13 04:34 AM
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littleGTO Offline
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Hello, AS. Back for a visit to my friends tonight! smile

I think it was a necessary step for you to send that letter to your STBXW. It WAS for you and I think you will have peace knowing that you've stated everything you needed to say-- left no stones unturned, if you will!

Again, so many, many similarities in our situations!!! So, I can relate to where you are in lots of ways. I have always seen strength and conviction in your posts.

Glad to know you are moving on and that life is good!! smile

COme visit me!!

-turtle


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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