HARDENED HEART CONTINUES 6 - 7 MONTHS OF REFLECTI

[AnotherStander]

After 9 months since her departure, I am beginning to wonder if I should indeed file for divorce myself. The way it was left back in August was that she would "get back to me" on the matter of her filing for divorce. To date there has been nothing no movement no anything.

It's kind of the same with me, W has told me 3 or 4 times that she was finalizing the paperwork and I would have it THE NEXT DAY. The first time I heard that was 5 months ago!

If I wait what am I waiting for?

For me it's all about the kids, if we didn't have kids together then I'd be OK with ending the M. But to me, it's very clear that the right thing to do for the kids is to reconcile. This is really tearing them up, and they still want us to get back together. They really need that stability, it's their "home base" in this crazy, difficult world. My parents got divorced when I was in my early teens and it tore my world apart and I never had a family again (as a child I mean). No more family vacations, family dinners, family get-togethers on Christmas morning. It still hurts to think about what life was like after D versus before. I would do anything to keep my kids from suffering through that. Unfortunately it only takes one to D, so it's mostly out of our hands. But we can stand.

[2old]

"But we can stand."

So what are you really saying AS...

[Fartiltre]

Why would you file?
I what way would that make your life different if you wait 2,3 or 6 months?

F

P.S Please get that signature in place 2old

[2old]

well, good point F...Waiting wont make a difference as far as I can tell at this point. I guess when you are being completely ignored with absolutely no reaching out from her end, you get just get tired of being treated in that manner. In my mind it is undeserved and unwarranted on her part. She left on her terms which any normal person would look at and deem most inapropriate.

The point is I'm tired of the sitch anymore. Wait, wait, wait, for what? It's almost like being a deer in the woods with a hunter just sitting in his tree stand. The deer at some point comes into the clearing and BAM!! Or the deer never comes into the clearing and the hunter justs sits and waits, for how long?

[paul19510]

Do what is beet for You. What do YOU want?

[Fartiltre]

Hi 2,

well, good point F...Waiting wont make a difference as far as I can tell at this point.

Trust me this one: I get you!!! I understand! But then stop waiting and start living. As long as the M doesn’t interfere with the life you want to live then just let it be. At the moment the M starts interfering the consider D once again.

I guess when you are being completely ignored with absolutely no reaching out from her end, you get just get tired of being treated in that manner.

Yup! But how on earth would D help on that feeling…please explain this to yourself. You are more than welcome to share here and I will comment on your thoughts if you would like me to.

In my mind it is undeserved and unwarranted on her part. She left on her terms which any normal person would look at and deem most inapropriate.

How will D help on that?
Do you believe it will make these feelings go away
Will it make you feel any better about how she has treated you?

The point is I'm tired of the sitch anymore. Wait, wait, wait, for what?

Stop waiting and start living once again! Consider the marriage over and go out into life. It is out there!

It's almost like being a deer in the woods with a hunter just sitting in his tree stand. The deer at some point comes into the clearing and BAM!! Or the deer never comes into the clearing and the hunter justs sits and waits, for how long?

I am a hunter and I have spent so many hours in a treestand without seeing anything at all, but still knowing that the deer is in the forest. That’s why I rarely sit in the tree stands anymore. I like to walk the forest, highland or wherever I am. I like enjoying, smelling, seeing, tasting the nature….So this is a nice metaphor to use IMO!
Get down from the tree stand and start enjoying the nature by walking in it….who knows: The deer might still come by

All the best
F

[AnotherStander]

well, good point F...Waiting wont make a difference as far as I can tell at this point. I guess when you are being completely ignored with absolutely no reaching out from her end, you get just get tired of being treated in that manner. In my mind it is undeserved and unwarranted on her part. She left on her terms which any normal person would look at and deem most inapropriate.

The point is I'm tired of the sitch anymore. Wait, wait, wait, for what? It's almost like being a deer in the woods with a hunter just sitting in his tree stand. The deer at some point comes into the clearing and BAM!! Or the deer never comes into the clearing and the hunter justs sits and waits, for how long?

So you're waiting to shoot her? LOL! Just kidding, I know what you meant You're right, you don't deserve to get treated like crap. When it comes down to it, all most of us were really guilty of is not knowing our spouse wasn't happy. And in being here we've all proven that once we knew, we were willing to DO SOMETHING about it. Our spouses? Not so much. The only thing they've done about it is dump us. We work hard, they run away. It is absolutely not fair. But that's why the focus has to be on US and not our spouses. Because when we work on ourselves for ourselves, well then we can't lose.

Anyway, I hear you loud and clear. My W isn't dark like yours, but believe me, I am getting nothing, and I mean NOTHING from her as far as warmth, validation or love. I think "tolerance" is about the most I get from her. How do you keep loving someone who doesn't love you? I don't think you can, if love isn't nurtured it withers and dies. How long that takes is for each of us to determine. I've seen people that couldn't even wait a month. Others have waited for years. For me the interest in reconciling really waned at around the 16 month mark and it's steadily declined ever since. You may be getting there too. And if you are, I think you'll get no criticism here. You've stood for 8 months, that's nothing to be ashamed of. In the end you need to do what is best for you, to not just survive but to thrive and be happy.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with what F is saying In fact I was going to post something similar when I got home from college today, but I've been beaten to it. Why are you waiting? What are you waiting for? Get out there and start living The waiting will just make it hard for you to move on and at the moment it's you that you need to be working on, not her In a few months or years, she may come out of hiding, but she won't if you keep waiting for her. So like F says, get off that tree stand and go out and GAL You've been doing so well lately, don't slip back to how you've been before you moved My motto for 2014 is moving forwards not backwards

[25yearsmlc]

There are some who see the financial and legal reality of divorce in the paper work, and then change their mind. Not a ton, but I have seen some. And almost 1 out of 5 former spouses, remarry each other. (Almost always a few years later).

So I don't buy that the "D" is THE FINAL STRAW, b/c it obviously is not for a significant minority.

But sure -- if no contact has been had, and You feel the need to be defined by or freed of your marital status, go ahead and file.

But do it so YOU can feel free or liberated or whatever. Not as a tactic.

OTOH, don't be bowled over if she calls you up and says "Hey, I'm still thinking!"

[2old]

Okay all, thank you for your thoughts. First, let me start by saying I am indeed moving forward with my life and have been for sometime now. And it is because of my moving forward I have had some serious thoughts of late as to what do I do about the situation with my S...About this what seems to be a never ending limboland I destest so much.

The idea of my S living her life without having the descency to say anything to me about leaving, divorcing etc. from the time she left and all the many months (9)since is something I find very ugly. She was not this ugly person I am finding her to be today. In my mind, I could NEVER do someone like that. Even if I hated that person I would have enough inside me to say how and why I felt the way I did.

Maybe at this time I am now preparing myself to truly and completely detach from the sitch. The stumbling block I keep coming up against is even though I AM MOVING FORWARD whenever the thoughts of my sitch arise it is a reminder that there is no closure to what was an important time and many years of my life. Not looking back is difficult to do even with the better days I have been indeed experiencing.

25yearsmlc, I really dont even think of using anything as a tactic anymore with her. Sure, I did in the beginning as most do however, that mindset is long gone. I appreciate you reminding me of this . Right now it would appear that maybe, somehow I need to just get a mindset of letting her do what she will regarding a D. I dont need the cost of that right now for sure. As TTD mentioned, D costs money. Even a simple D costs a good amount and even if I did file as you said 25years she may not be willing to sign. Who knows, but I dont want to spend money on something that may not come to an end.

F, I agree with you on the smelling the forest stuff. As long as it's not bear chit...heh heh...I do believe I have considered the marriage over for sometime. And it has been obviously.

AS, nah, I dont want to shoot her...lolol...Damnit I'm too nice of a person to do that...But, I do have a good aim and can hit my target! Sure I have stood for awhile but in all honesty 3 months ago I began living a good and descent life again. I have never felt better except for the damn cold i have atm. Somehow I have got to "learn" a way to not let my thoughts dwell on my WAS' treatment of me from the beginning till now and likely beyond without some finality.

And that is what this is really about now. It is NOT about me pining away for her, I am not and will not do that. I dont even feel that anymore. I have not made any statements to her to make her believe I am doing that either. In August of last year I did write her a coherent email telling how I felt. No begging whining or pleading involved. That is when she responded a week later about getting back to me on D.

Ummmm, geesh that was 6 months ago.