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Hey guys,
Thanks for coming by to help...
I'm rushing off to work atm, but just a quick post for clarification:

"For instance, how did your S find out that there were diamonds coming from abroad?"

The kids took about 4 of the 5 or so phone calls that we received over a period of a couple of days about this from FedEX. FedEX people were so keen to get their money, and kept threatening to "send the diamonds back to NY". I took the last of the calls and as far as i knew, the diamonds went back.

"For instance, where are you when they yell to their dad in person or on the phone or when your S threatens to show up at a restaurant? "

I don't think S15 yelled at his dad either in person or on the phone; he just told him that he hated him for what he had done.
S15 told his dad he was coming to the restaurant to speak to him (after XH refused to take his calls) via text. I didn't know about it till later.

How do they know abut his spending on restaurants, bars, cafes and holidays....
they see him - he sits outdoors at all of these places in our small village. His car is parked out the front of various establishments that we have to drive by to get to out house. He is in our faces.
He also reports to them about all the great things he's doing (sailing, football memberships, golf, holidays, travel, cars, the food he eats [ribs, lobster, steak], etc etc). Sometimes the kids' grandparents spill the beans too "Oh, your dad will be back in the country tomorrow, bet you'll be pleased to see him after all this time?" when we didn't know he'd been away..

We also still get regular phone calls from debt collectors trying to find him. Sometimes it's just automated calls saying that he will be prosecuted if he doesn't respond; other times it's hard-case callers who get real nasty when we say he doesn't live here. Some of these calls have even gone to the kids' mobile phone numbers. I can't begin to fathom why or how this happens.

Stuff like that.

It's really so crazy and unbelievable, if you knew what sort of life we had originally....

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NLW,


Thanks for posting and clarifying.

I am so sorry for what you and your kids have been dealing with. It's been clear for you and a lot of us who have been with you from the beginning on this crazy journey that your H is not all there....

So, what can NLW do?
I would hate for you to feel like you are powerless... Yes, he is an a-hole, and a con-man, but you are a strong, strong woman, who has proven you can survive anything. So now, it's time to take control of this crazy ride and turn the tide around IN YOUR FAVOR.

Not easy, but not impossible. (and you have proven you are amazing!)

Originally Posted By: NLW
The kids took about 4 of the 5 or so phone calls that we received over a period of a couple of days about this from FedEX. FedEX people were so keen to get their money, and kept threatening to "send the diamonds back to NY". I took the last of the calls and as far as i knew, the diamonds went back.


Can you switch your home number or disconnect it? It's become less common to have a land line and if you and your kids have mobile phones, this could be an option. Otherwise, can you talk to your kids and instruct them not to answer the phone at home? You can do so or you can screen your calls by letting them go to voice mail and just returning the calls that are from friends and relatives. That way you can screen out collectors, calls for your H and even his own calls, when he is crazy and impulsive and YOU can decide when it's appropriate for him to talk to your kids...

With all the abuse he has inflicted on you and your kids, you have every right to determine how and when he communicates to you AND the kids. And he'd better not threaten you or try to accuse you of parental alienation... you know why? because you have more than enough proof of his abuse and no court will listen to that ridiculous claim, shall he try to threaten you or bully you that way...



Originally Posted By: NLW
I don't think S15 yelled at his dad either in person or on the phone; he just told him that he hated him for what he had done.
S15 told his dad he was coming to the restaurant to speak to him (after XH refused to take his calls) via text. I didn't know about it till later.

How do they know abut his spending on restaurants, bars, cafes and holidays....
they see him - he sits outdoors at all of these places in our small village. His car is parked out the front of various establishments that we have to drive by to get to out house. He is in our faces.
He also reports to them about all the great things he's doing (sailing, football memberships, golf, holidays, travel, cars, the food he eats [ribs, lobster, steak], etc etc). Sometimes the kids' grandparents spill the beans too "Oh, your dad will be back in the country tomorrow, bet you'll be pleased to see him after all this time?" when we didn't know he'd been away..



Sweet, NLW.

All of this ^^^^ is why it's so crucial that both you and your kids go to counseling. So you can learn new tools on how to deal with all this garbage and your H's selfishness. So you can all learn how to set healthy boundaries when he is abusive. So you and your kids can learn that this is not about ANY OF YOU, but about him and that YOU GUYS DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS.

I hear you - living in a small town makes it so, so much harder. I cannot even imagine... That is why it's so important to be emotionally strong and ready to deal with your H when you guys run into him and so you can all learn how to deal with all your emotions - hurt, anger, disappointment, resentment, sadness, everything in a healthy way that can help you guys take control of your lives and move forward.

I know finances are tough, but perhaps there's some type of aid or support groups you can qualify for? There might be some organizations that help with aid or counseling? IDK, but it's worth looking into it, right?


Originally Posted By: NLW
We also still get regular phone calls from debt collectors trying to find him. Sometimes it's just automated calls saying that he will be prosecuted if he doesn't respond; other times it's hard-case callers who get real nasty when we say he doesn't live here. Some of these calls have even gone to the kids' mobile phone numbers. I can't begin to fathom why or how this happens.

Stuff like that.

It's really so crazy and unbelievable, if you knew what sort of life we had originally....




Yeah, screening calls is imperative. I had to do so when my H was in his angry phase. I never answered any of his calls - at home or on my mobile. I always heard the messages and only responded to those concerning the kids by email. I think we didn't talk in person or by phone or texted each other in a few months until things calmed down.

I think you and your kids can implement those boundaries (and I know boundaries has been a topic covered on your threads before. Perhaps go back and re-read some of the advice you got back then? it's all still applicable.)

Bottom line, there is no law or rule that says you or your kids need to talk to him UNTIL AND UNLESS IT WORKS FOR YOU, NOT FOR HIM.

And at the first moment he starts abusing either of you, you guys hang up or leave the room. Period. There are calm and reasonable ways of doing so w/o escalating the situation. Specially dealing with an abusive husband requires certain actions and behaviors to protect your emotional health.

Lots of resources out there also on the web.

You can do this!!!
And you are REALLY, REALLY worth it, don't you think?


((((((NLW)))))))


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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(((NLW)))

Been right beside you and will continue to be. You have stood as long as possible and hoped for your H to show some signs of human behaviour. Once in a while he did, but obviously that was the abnormal, not his normal.

Take care of you and your babies.

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Thanks Melissa,

It helped me to hear, again, "You can't make this sh!t up"

I still have moments where I can't believe this is happening to me.

Even now, I sometimes get flashes of "He's my H, he can't MARRY someone else"

These moments are getting fewer and farther between... I think because i have so little contact with him now that I sometimes fall back on memories of him as the man I used to know. I have to keep reminding myself that that man is long gone.

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Busting, labug,
Thank you so much for keeping up with my sitch and responding with care and concern here.

As you know, I especially think of you guys when I'm in awkward situations with my XH - e.g. in court, and when OW is in my face.

I recite your names like a mantra and imagine you as little beacons of light and support glowing all around the world. You help me so much to keep my thoughts clear and my actions calm.

I'm aiming for peace these days, just as you hope for me too.
I even hope that XH can find peace - mainly for selfish reasons, I will admit!

Your posts helped me through the hard time of last weekend (when XH announced to S15 that he was getting married) and reminded me that I need to focus on my kids at this time.

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WH,
Thank you for your amazing support. I know how hard it is to get on here and respond to everyone else when you are struggling yourself, so i really appreciate you being there for me!

My experience is like yours - that you cannot shield kids from this type of insanity... I'll admit that I could be doing a better job, but, it's HARD, as you know. My XH says and does strange unpredictable, cruel things to our kids (my POV, I know) and I feel like I'm constantly just picking up the broken pieces that he leaves.

But anyway.. the responses I've received here have worked to remind me that i can't drop the ball with respect to my kids.
This "News' from XH has really shattered them - and I need to keep working hard to ensure that they are as OK as can be. Sometimes its easy to focus too much on yourself or feel like it's all some sort of crazy dream that cannot possibly be real.

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k_g

Thanks so much for your posts - they really helped me to think more about my kids and what they are going through. I wanted to reply in detail to some of the points you made, so I'll do it in a couple of separate posts.
Originally Posted By: keep_going


What you need to concentrate on is on how you can protect your kids.

Regardless of money and how things end, you have to help the kids. You have to try to provide peace and stability for them.

How?

This got me re-focued on them as soon as I saw it. Last weekend I did a lot of comfort-food cooking with them, and we talked a lot about how we were feeling - S15 especially opened up and had several talks with me.
I'm just trying to be a lot more observant of them, taking more time with them and showing more compassion and understanding for them. D18 is pretty much in blow-up/oppositional mode most of the time, so I have been focusing hard on trying to de-fuse that and remain calm and understanding.

I let S15 use his savings to buy himself a new phone that he needed, whereas in the past i would have insisted he get his dad to organise one through his phone company (S15 had been trying for months to get XH to give him one, to no avail).
I gave up my feelings of what was 'fair' and 'right', and allowed S15 to take the action that he wanted to. I did not try to fight a battle with XH through S15.



Throughout your situation, why have your kids constantly tried to take on the role of defending you?
That is NOT their place.

So I encourage you to ask yourself - What have I done through all of this that has put them in that sitch?
It's a very tough question, but you need to ask yourself.

Yes, I have taken this on-board...don't know if i have all the answers yet, but it's put me on notice to try to do things differently in future. If others can see this, then something needs to be done to change.

Do not revert to the easy answer of - "MY H is crazy and they have seen it all through his actions."
Because there are a lot of things and details about your sitch that there was no way your kids would have found out just by your H's actions (like the diamonds).

Yeah, I take your point... and it is easy to revert to the 'he's crazy' account. When I heard S15's final phone conversation with XH last weekend, S15 did say to him, at one point : "You're insane", followed by "Are you high? What are you on?".

The kids are faced with a lot of stuff that is really difficult to make sense of.
It's hard to explain here, but a lot of what XH says to them involves attempts to completely re-write their history of our family life, and the kids know that what he is saying is "complete BS" - as S15 also told him on the phone.


Show them a strong woman. Get out of victim-mode and teach them how to behave and deal with their grief in a healthy way. Because life will bring more of that now and later in their lives as adults.

I tried this during the week and was, fortuitously, really successful. I have started volunteering and it has almost immediately come back to reward me.
Ended up with a dinner invite to a VIP experience around a new sports facility in our town and admission to a couple of 'money-can't-buy' experiences for me and the kids.
Plus a lot of new people that we've all met.

I took so long to reply to all you guys on here because I have been so busy going out and having fun with the kids this week!



PLEASE know that I am NOT trying to discount your son's feelings. He is IN MASSIVE, MASSIVE PAIN - and YOU can be the one to guide him thru how to deal with it in a healthy way.

I have done as you suggested and think I was pretty successful in helping him open up to me. He even acknowledged that I seem different and less stressed and more understanding.

This helps me understand, in turn, that I'm dealing with my own feelings in a healthier way.


You know I really care about you, NLW...
I want to see you and your kids HAPPY and THRIVING, not just surviving.

I do know this k_g, and I appreciate your help and guidance.




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k_g,
Just wanted to respond to some of the other points you made here.
Originally Posted By: keep_going
Wishing,

Nobody is asking NLW to excuse, defend her H's behavior. I suggested that she doesn't add any more to their pain. I know it's not on purpose, but we can all fall into this trap.

This is a timely reminder, and i took it on-board last week, so thanks k_g. Hope I don't let it slip too much again, and hope someone will call me on it if they see.

And I think NLW will be the first one to tell you that her reactions - in front of her kids - to things her H has said or done has not always been the best.

Yep!


My point is that WE, as the "sane" ones, like NLW, can try to make this situation less traumatic and chaotic for our kids. My point is that WE don't need to ADD any more to the saga that our selfish spouses are bringing.

This really hit home for me.

No matter how good we are as parents, we can always improve and if I see there is something concrete and constructive she can do to help her kids, why can't I tell her?

k_g, I appreciate it, thanks. I feel like I get a lot from others' perspectives, and I often struggle, so keep it coming, please.

NLW's H is clearly not right. So she and her kids will need tools to deal with the next crazy move - and they will keep coming - after D, after he marries OW, and forever. So it is how SHE reacts and the example SHE sets for her kids that will make the difference here.

Yes, I needed to hear this.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her that. The beauty of this forum is that we can get support, love, kindness and also well-indended and much needed different perspectives to our own thinking, which ultimately is what helps us grow.

Absolutely - although I will admit that it was nice to see people taking up the cudgels to support and defend me where they thought it might be needed... thank you ALL for the support that you so unfailingly provide here.








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Some more points to respond to
Originally Posted By: keep_going

So, what can NLW do?
I would hate for you to feel like you are powerless... Yes, he is an a-hole, and a con-man, but you are a strong, strong woman, who has proven you can survive anything. So now, it's time to take control of this crazy ride and turn the tide around IN YOUR FAVOR.

Not easy, but not impossible. (and you have proven you are amazing!)

Yes, you are right. I have been doing things differently for a while now - the old GAL advice and looking for ways to do stuff with the kids that is low-cost. For example, we go to the movies on 'cheap night' regularly now. And there is so much to be learned - most of the stuff we've seen lately has been about people over-coming immense personal suffering (Rush, 12 Years a Slave, Dallas Buyers club, Saving Mr Banks, Philomena). All good for showing my kids that people can and do survive and thrive. And great talking points for emotions, too.

It makes us all so close. I'm modelling to them how to meet new people and the benefits of volunteering. And in my professional life, I'm reaping the benefits of taking time to really listen to others, and show interest in what they are doing. I used to be so focused on my family - XH and kids - that i didn't feel the need to reach out to others (told myself I had no time.)


[
you can screen your calls by letting them go to voice mail and just returning the calls that are from friends and relatives. That way you can screen out collectors, calls for your H and even his own calls, when he is crazy and impulsive and YOU can decide when it's appropriate for him to talk to your kids...

This seems like a good and simple solution!

With all the abuse he has inflicted on you and your kids, you have every right to determine how and when he communicates to you AND the kids. And he'd better not threaten you or try to accuse you of parental alienation... you know why? because you have more than enough proof of his abuse and no court will listen to that ridiculous claim, shall he try to threaten you or bully you that way...

Not totally convinced about this - and it is his constant refrain these days.. but interesting to hear your perspective.

I know finances are tough, but perhaps there's some type of aid or support groups you can qualify for? There might be some organizations that help with aid or counseling? IDK, but it's worth looking into it, right?

Yes, finances are tricky as well as tough - I actually earn a decent salary, so don't qualify for anything welfare related or reduced in terms of cost. Of course, more than all of my healthy salary goes in re-paying the debts XH left us with, so that is the kicker. But I will keep trying to see what sort of help I can get. At the moment, though, physical and dental health issues are my priority - before all our teeth fall out from neglect, for instance!



And at the first moment he starts abusing either of you, you guys hang up or leave the room. Period. There are calm and reasonable ways of doing so w/o escalating the situation. Specially dealing with an abusive husband requires certain actions and behaviors to protect your emotional health.

Lots of resources out there also on the web.

Yes, thanks for this reminder. I will try to get onto changing this
.

You can do this!!!
And you are REALLY, REALLY worth it, don't you think?

Yes. Sometimes I think I'm pretty hot stuff!


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Hello there

I know no one is against NLW and I know others mean well. But I know what she's going too and I just wanted to reiterate that it is not easy when children are involved. I feel empathy for NLW. I feel for the kids. I experience it every day myself.

NLW your H is absolutely bonkers. He's mad as a hatter. I wish I could give you the magic formula for protecting those kids but I have no magic solution. It's so hard and often you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

I do think counseling for all three of you is a marvelous idea. I know money is an issue. Do you have access to a counselor? I know my counselor was a Godsend for me. I started getting stronger and discovering the strength and power I had inside. I started remembering the WH from long ago. And I like her.

(((NLW))) we are all on your side!

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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