Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[FlyOnTheWall]

I unfortunately took a left turn somewhere around Albuquerque.

[labug]

Hopefully not in a car with Mike Ehrmantraut.

[S4tk]

Well, I don't think any of us will ever ARRIVE at that "only a fool would leave" nirvana place, but I'm on the road!

Hey, speak for yourself!

I think the confrontation thing comes down to a LRT. If you're done, you're done.

You guys are funny

So a confrontation to would indicate being done? I might be further from "Only-A-Fool-Would-Leave-opolis" than I thought, but I still don't get why I can't keep DBing and also address this gross 6-month-long denial and deception.

Or is that point that it just wouldn't help matters?

[S4tk]

Ok, very practical question here. If I decide not to confront about the A, I still face a very important boundary issue.

W and I work for a faith-based organization and she is frantically looking for another job. Her reasoning is that she is tired of the control and manipulation present in the organization. (Similar to the military or certain companies, there is an expectation of marital harmony and a moral code). She has also claimed control and manipulation toward many of her current friends, and toward religion in general, and even commercials on TV.

She even has been contemplating simply resigning - a move which would likely end up in me being let go as well.

I am not willing to lose my job, knowing what I now know about the affair, because I now understand that the control and manipulation she refers to is most likely her guilt and repression and projection concerning the A.

So, if I choose not to confront the A at the advice of the experts here, but she risking our jobs (and our family's income) is a boundary I am not in favor of her crossing, how would I bring that up in as "DB" a way as possible?

[labug]

Just let me say, I haven't advised you not to confront but rather to be fully aware of what the consequences are. Be ready to be done.

After I read your post last night the question that came to my mind was: What do you mean by confront?

If by confront you mean revealing what you know and trying to work out the best possible ending to the marriage that's very different than confronting as a threat.

Commercials are manipulative and controlling. :)Just sayin'

[AnotherStander]

I think LBH places too much importance on 'hope' and this just delays 'acceptance' and leads to prolonged hurt.

I'm not sure I agree about it prolonging the hurt. I know in my case that early on I saw only one "solution" and that was reconciliation. I simply could not see surviving if I didn't reconcile. Hope for that reconciliation is the only thing that got me through the early days. Eventually I came to realize that I would survive whether with or without my wife, and then beyond that I came to realize that not only would I survive, but I would have a wonderful, fulfilling, FUN life even without my W. Ironically I think it would have taken me longer to recover had it not been for the hope I had early on.

Each of us has to decide how long to hold onto hope. Some people let go right away and others hold onto it for years. There is no right or wrong approach, it's a personal decision.

I know this is a very cynical way to look at the situation in general but placing unnecessary thoughts and feelings for something that is not guaranteed is too much of a burden to carry at times.

Well if it were guaranteed then there would be no need for hope. Basically what you are saying is no one should ever hope for anything, because there are no guarantees. So you shouldn't hope that your kids succeed because they might not. And you shouldn't hope that you have a great career because you might not. Do you think that's a sensible way to approach life?

[S4tk]

Just let me say, I haven't advised you not to confront but rather to be fully aware of what the consequences are. Be ready to be done.

If by confront you mean revealing what you know and trying to work out the best possible ending to the marriage that's very different than confronting as a threat.

Commercials are manipulative and controlling. :)Just sayin'

Bug,

I think we are approaching the same page here. By confront, I am agree with you and would just add, "revealing what I know and trying to work out the best possible ending to the marriage, or take a necessary step toward any possibility of a new R with W."

I'm not sure what else confront would mean. I'm (at the risk of the NMMNG crowd chiming in) a nice guy, not an ogre!

Do you think that the best chance of saving the M lies in not confronting (as defined just now by me), and letting her continue her journey thinking this is all still covered up?

[labug]

revealing what I know and trying to work out the best possible ending to the marriage, or take a necessary step toward any possibility of a new R with W."

Good. I wanted to clarify because, my IC has taught me not to go with what I think I hear/read...and around here confront often means ultimatum.