He is a police officer and they have a full time counsellor for times like this. I used him last time this happened. I have put in three calls to him in the past few days and he hasn't called me back
Not sure what else to to. He is free and it's part of the benefits. I don't wanna go elsewhere and have to pay.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Still no call back. I've called three times and don't want to call again.
Things are getting better. He is coming around and today he was in a great mood. Came to my school to surprise me on my lunch break. Asked me if I missed him. Told me he misses me. Actually hugged and kissed me. Told me he loves me.
Only issue now is while visiting my step mom who has nothing to do with anything and has no idea about anything called him. He ignored it and got instantly upset. Said he knows it's not their fault and they have nothing to do with anything but for some reason doesn't want to talk to ANY of my family. Also said he doesn't know if he will ever be able to talk to my mom and sister again.
He said it's just impossible after knowing what they said about him. He doesn't know what to do about the situation and I had no idea what to say. I told him that what they said was mainly to make me feel better and not all exactly how they feel. They were saying whatever they could to console me. And that they are family and will never judge and realize we are going through hard time and would never hold anything against him. He said that doesn't matter. He just doesn't think be can do it
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
He said it's just impossible after knowing what they said about him. He doesn't know what to do about the situation and I had no idea what to say. I told him that what they said was mainly to make me feel better and not all exactly how they feel. They were saying whatever they could to console me. And that they are family and will never judge and realize we are going through hard time and would never hold anything against him. He said that doesn't matter. He just doesn't think be can do it
DO NOT DEFEND your parents!!! Your H was expressing feelings to you, and in defending your parents you are inadvertently communicating to him that his feelings don't matter to you. You were invalidating him. When he expresses feelings you need to do two things and two things only- LISTEN and VALIDATE. Do not explain/ justify/ defend/ argue/ agree/ disagree. Just be the greatest listener ever, and validate his feelings by telling him things like "that sounds frustrating, I can understand why you feel that way."
Still no call back. I've called three times and don't want to call again.
I understand you don't want to harrass them, but don't let this go. If he or she won't return your calls, then you may have to look elsewhere.
Originally Posted By: Lll54
Things are getting better. He is coming around and today he was in a great mood. Came to my school to surprise me on my lunch break. Asked me if I missed him. Told me he misses me. Actually hugged and kissed me. Told me he loves me.
The problem is, in a day or two things will turn ugly again. At least, that seems to be the pattern.
AnotherStander is right; now is not the time to try to fix things between your family and your husband. (And when that time comes, you WILL be right to defend your husband to them.)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Nothing much has been said the last few days until last night. He is going to bye city that my sister lives in and he said he feels sad because he would normally call her up and go see her. And now that isn't happening. I asked him if he thinks she hates Hates him and never wants to see him because that isn't the case and he replied ,"no that's how i feel about her...." I didn't answer cause I didn't know what to say. He just kept saying it [censored]
I don't know how to fix this. My sister text him the day after it happened apologizing and telling him she doesn't know what she was talking about and was just trying to make me feel better and that she loves him
He didn't reply to her.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
I don't know how to fix this. My sister text him the day after it happened apologizing and telling him she doesn't know what she was talking about and was just trying to make me feel better and that she loves him
He didn't reply to her.
If your husband chooses not to accept your sister's apology then that's up to them to resolve. It isn't your place to fix them.
I have a younger sister and two older stepsisters; let's call them April, May, and June. The younger stepsister (May) lives out of state; my sister (April) and the older stepsister (June) had a really bad falling out several years ago and don't speak to each other; June never calls or visits my parents.
Every year for Christmas, May comes into town and wants everyone to get together for the holidays. Even though my sister chooses not to attend, May keeps trying to get June and my parents to make plans together. May thinks she is helping things, but she really isn't; she just makes everyone uncomfortable by doing this.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Trent has given you some great advice. I am not familiar with your past sitch, but reading through this thread I see the same pattern that Trent has identified, and it is definitely a game that you both continue to play.
Yes, venting to your family probably wasn't the best idea. BUT he set you up. There were problems before this, and now he is turning it around to be your fault. Now he has goods on you to "prove" that it is your fault. You need to stop playing his game. You need to stop being weak. It is time for you to be a strong independent woman for 3 very important reasons--your kids--your relationship--YOURSELF!
First, stop feeling guilty about what happened with your mom and sister. It is done. You can change what happened. You did it with good intentions. How he feels about it is his problem now. Not yours. He is going to continue to make it yours because he wants you to think you are the reason for the problems in your marriage. Don't play into that.
Right now you will not be able to reason with him. It is like talking to a two year old who is whining because he wants a cookie. You can keep saying no which will just escalate the issue to a tantrum, or you can remove the cookie from the situation and ignore the cries until they are forgotten. In other words DON'T ENGAGE.
Yes you can validate when he is being sincere, but stop taking responsibility for it. You did that already, continuing to apologize and take on all the fault starts to be pleading, begging and desperate. Not only do you give up all of your control, it is also very unattractive. He ignored your sister's apology. That is his choice and it is not your problem anymore. You already took ownership for your part in it, and now it is time to let it go. What he did is far worse than what you did anyway. But I wouldn't bring that up unless you are ready to big blow up.
I know you want to save your marriage, but desperate clinging is not going to fix it. Trying to talk about it is only going to feed the fire and give him more ammo. It is time to care by not caring. That is what detachment is. It is finally understanding unconditional love and putting that idea into practice. Right now you are free from the duties of being a wife. Focus on yourself, your kids. Do things to make you happy without worrying about what he thinks.
I was a lot like you for a long time. And it backfired for me as well. i thought I was a great wife because i tiptoed around my h's moods--although luckily my h was not manipulative like you are experiencing. But now I realize that my wishy washy behavior, my weak persona was not only a turnoff and annoying, it also placed a huge burden on my H. Because my happiness depended him. Some of that insecurity naturally dissipated with age, but the BD was what made me really look at how detrimental my behavior was, for my R with my H and my kids and especially with myself. Before you can learn how to be the wife you want to be, and how to have the H you want to have, you need to learn how to be the best W, H, and friend for yourself! Until you can love yourself you will not be able to have a truly loving marriage. Love is not desperate. It isn't manipulative. It doesn't place demands.
I know you don't want to think of life without your H, but right now the only chance you have in saving your M is to get yourself to a place where you know you will be just fine with or without him. And the only way to do that is to become your own best friend.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Third paragraph, third sentence should say "you CAN'T change what happened."
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
