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TrentC #2411202 12/05/13 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted By: TrentC
The "what to say" and "how to act" are being true to yourself and repsecting yourself. And until you spend some time dealing with your issues, you can't hope to repair your marriage—if it even can be repaired at this point.


I know. This is exactly how I get every time this happens. My fear overrides my intelligence. I know what I need to do. I know what I should be doing in respect to myself. I know all these things. I'm just so petrified for my marriage to be over that I let myself act this way and do these things. It's sad really.

I love that man more than anything in the world and I just want my family back together.

I didn't initiate anything this morning. He actually touched me first and held my hand when I was saying goodbye before I left for school. I responded but that was it. I'm trying to just detach and wait until he may want to talk.

The only thing I wonder about is if I detach, gal, act as if I know he won't bring it up cause he doesn't like to "talk". I'm scared it will just be one of those times where it just gets left unsaid and sits under the rug and never gets dealt with.


M: 31
H: 29
Married: 6 yrs
Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old





Separated: Sept. '09
Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09
Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10
Threatening to leave again: July,14
Lll54 #2411223 12/05/13 06:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: Lll54
The only thing I wonder about is if I detach, gal, act as if I know he won't bring it up cause he doesn't like to "talk". I'm scared it will just be one of those times where it just gets left unsaid and sits under the rug and never gets dealt with.


You're putting the cart before the horse again.

Nothing will get better in your marriage until at least one of you starts doing things differently. And I don't mean for a couple of days, or a week or two; I mean for good.

For the record: I do not think that your marriage is unsalvageable (although I think abuse, whether emotional or physical, should be a deal-breaker). But I think it will take a LOT of work, and the best thing you can do is start with the one thing you have total control over—yourself.

I also don't think he will really leave you if he has control issues; he won't take the chance that you will learn to be happy without him. He will only move out or file for divorce to punish you, to coerce you into compliance.


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
TrentC #2411330 12/05/13 09:43 PM
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Went home at lunch and he was crying on the couch saying he is so stressed out and doesn't know what to do. Doesn't think we can fix our problems this time.

Says he is still so hurt and sad. And continued to cry.

I acknowledged his feelings and told him I understood. That he knows how I feel. And how this whole thing came about. Out of me trying to salvage our marriage. Nothing intentional. He agreed I didn't intentional try to hurt him but that's what happened. I said I can't change how he feels with my words.

I said I love him and I think our marriage is worth saving. And he wouldn't look me in the face. Just kept saying he is exhausted and sad. And I told him I would see him later and left.

It may be over...


M: 31
H: 29
Married: 6 yrs
Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old





Separated: Sept. '09
Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09
Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10
Threatening to leave again: July,14
Lll54 #2411335 12/05/13 09:56 PM
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He just keeps saying how is isn't even mad I went to my sister and mom. He is more mad that when they talked bad about him i didn't stick up for him. That's what he says is his biggest issue right now. Behind closed doors he expects me to always stick up for him no matter what. He said he would never let his mom or sister talk about me like that.

That's what is hurting him most right now.


M: 31
H: 29
Married: 6 yrs
Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old





Separated: Sept. '09
Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09
Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10
Threatening to leave again: July,14
Lll54 #2411349 12/05/13 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: Lll54
Behind closed doors he expects me to always stick up for him no matter what.


Says the guy who you said makes everything in your relationship your fault?

This is pure manipulation on his part; he's trying to make you choose between him and your family in order to cut you off from anything and anyone who might threaten his control over you.


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
TrentC #2411404 12/06/13 01:00 AM
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Do you find that manipulation? Am I being naive when I think he is right? And I should have stuck up for him?

I can tell him time and time again how much I love him and how much I want to be with him and he now says that doesn't matter because now I lie, and now he knows how I really feel by not standing up for him.

There was a text where I told my mom that after he came home last time I had him under my wing and I've lost that. He threw that in my face today. I was speechless. I can't believe I even said that.

Got home from school and he is still quite sad and depressed and not talking like 6 months ago after his 2nd bomb. He wasn't exactly initiating touch but he was leaving take my son to the city for eye surgery so when I got near he didn't put his arms out for me but came close as to wanting a hug. So I hugged him. He was receptive to it and I kissed his cheek. Then again a few minutes later as he was actually walking out the door he came close again as to wanting more? So I hugged him again. But I didn't say I love you. Just said let me know you made it there safely. (The highway is really bad as we just had an intense blizzard). He said ok. Talk to you soon and left.

I kept a happy mood. Tried to act as if. And showed no sadness or tears.


M: 31
H: 29
Married: 6 yrs
Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old





Separated: Sept. '09
Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09
Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10
Threatening to leave again: July,14
Lll54 #2411472 12/06/13 03:22 AM
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Originally Posted By: Lll54
Do you find that manipulation? Am I being naive when I think he is right? And I should have stuck up for him?


Maybe in normal situations, yes. But you are miserable, and he is one of the primary causes of that. What are you supposed to do? Pretend he's not staying out all hours of the night? Pretend his radical mood swings aren't driving you up the wall?

It's not unusual at all for people to have trusted friends other than their spouses to discuss their relationship problems with. And I will bet real money that he doesn't "stick up" for you around his buddies. No, I'm sure they know exactly how awful of a person you are. (In your H's eyes, of course.)

Originally Posted By: Lll54
I can tell him time and time again how much I love him and how much I want to be with him and he now says that doesn't matter because now I lie, and now he knows how I really feel by not standing up for him.


He's a hypocritical POS. He misled you by not telling you he had read those messages, and manipulated you into a situation where he knew you would lie. (I bet you forgot to mention that, huh?) That is not the act of a man who loves you.

And what he is doing now, by deflecting any complaints you may have by dangling this over your head? It's straight-up emotional abuse. If he really believes that he can't believe what you say ever again, then he needs to go because by definition you won't ever be able to convince him otherwise.

But he won't leave. Why should he? He's got you scared and miserable, and is trying to cut you off from any means of emotional support other than him. Abusers do not stop abusing; there is nothing you can say or do to make him treat you better, and few crumbs of tenderness or compassion he doles out are to keep hoping for something that will never happen.

And as long as you believe this about yourself:

Originally Posted By: Lll54
I don't think I will be ok. I'm the weakest person you will ever meet. I just don't think I have the strength to get through this.


then you will be trapped in this hell for the rest of your life. Victims of abuse are not to blame for the abuse, but no one can save you except yourself.

Leave your husband alone. Let him come and go, don't get sucked into conversations where he tears you down. If he tries, leave—get in the car and go somewhere else.

You need to find someone to talk to, like a professional therapist. Do you go to church? Make an appointment with your pastor. You need to have someone who is not a family member that you can discuss this stuff with.

I will not answer your questions about what every word or gesture from him means any more, because they are all lies and manipulation. Until you start talking to a professional, I have nothing more to offer you.


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
TrentC #2411713 12/06/13 06:45 PM
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Just so we're clear, I'm not trying to punish you. But the more we talk about this, the more it seems to me that you are dealing with a lot of stuff that is outside of my comfort zone.

I'm not a counselor, a lawyer, or a priest; I'm a guy who did a lot of research and talked to people of my own about what I was going through when my wife dropped the bomb on me, and am just trying to pass on a little of what I've figured out.

You wouldn't want me fixing your car or performing heart surgery on you, so I don't think you want me fixing your marriage for you either. smile


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
TrentC #2411835 12/06/13 09:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 582
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Lll54 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: TrentC
I'm not a counselor, a lawyer, or a priest; I'm a guy who did a lot of research and talked to people of my own about what I was going through when my wife dropped the bomb on me, and am just trying to pass on a little of what I've figured out.


I understand. You are very good at it. It seems like everything you say hits the nail on the head. Every point you make makes sense. I only hope one day to be as knowledgable as you are in this.


M: 31
H: 29
Married: 6 yrs
Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old





Separated: Sept. '09
Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09
Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10
Threatening to leave again: July,14
Lll54 #2411852 12/06/13 10:08 PM
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So what have you done to find someone to talk to?

If your husband asks you what you are doing, simply tell him that you want to talk to someone about the problems you are having. That's all; he can't argue with that, right?


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
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