Back....again.

[Lll54]

Also last night when I left it was while he was gone with the boys. He text me when he got home and asked why I would leave the house. And to call my sister and mom and see if leaving works out for me in the end.

Is this a sign he cares? That it may not be the be all end all? Is the fact he slept in my bed with me a good sign?

[TrentC]

I know. It was the wrong thing to do. I just needed someone to listen and I picked the wrong person. I told him all of this. I don't want to involve my friends because I feel like they would hate him. My sister and mom understand we have had our problems in the past and they don't ever think differently of him. I think that's why I felt safe talking to them.

I understand; I actually talked to my family a lot in the months after BD. But eventually I stopped because it became obvious that the more I talked to them about it, the more upset they got about her behavior.

I am at school and he is leaving the city this afternoon to ref. Should I text him that I won't talk to them anymore? Our talk ended short this morning cause I had to get to school so we never really finished. Or should I leave him to have the night to cool down a bit????

Let him come to you about this. Tell him just what you said; that you needed to discuss things with someone you trusted, but that you made a mistake talking to your family and you want talk to them about this any more.

[TrentC]

Is this a sign he cares? That it may not be the be all end all? Is the fact he slept in my bed with me a good sign?

STOP DOING THIS.

It's getting very tiring, telling you not to analyze every thing he says and does for its real meaning—if for no other reason then he will almost certainly say or do something contradictory soon.

[Lll54]

Ok. I'll wait till he comes home tonight and hopefully get the chance to tell him I won't do it anymore and it wasn't right and I was just needing to talk to someone. Hopefully he believes me.

The problem is that he has been looking at my texts for a couple weeks and held it in all this time. He asked me questions that he only would have known from reading my texts and drilled me about them. I lied because I knew there was no way he would know. (Ex. Why are you bashing me to your mom and sister). I straight out lied saying I didn't even though I did talk to them. I wasn't going to admit that to his face! I got scared and lied. So he repeatedly asked me questions and I lied THEN be revealed the iPad thing. So he tricked me and now he said he doesn't know what to believe out of my mouth because I have now straight lied to him numerous times. So when I told him I apologize and had no reason to talk to my mom anymore he doesn't believe me. So not sure of telling him I won't do it anymore ever is gonna help cause he doesn't believe or trust me.

[TrentC]

I got scared and lied.

This is exactly why I've been telling you need to detach, and to stop being so fearful. You are so afraid of doing something "wrong" that you twist yourself up in knots. So he set a trap and you walked right into it.

He's trying to take away whatever power and self-confidence you might have been building up, and will dangle this over your head any time he needs to shove you back into your place. He'll almost certainly do it if and when you confront him about a possible OW.

So he repeatedly asked me questions and I lied THEN be revealed the iPad thing. So he tricked me and now he said he doesn't know what to believe out of my mouth because I have now straight lied to him numerous times. So when I told him I apologize and had no reason to talk to my mom anymore he doesn't believe me. So not sure of telling him I won't do it anymore ever is gonna help cause he doesn't believe or trust me.

Of course, he lied to you as well. That counts, too.

He pretended he didn't know anything about those texts to get you to "incriminate" yourself. He didn't treat you like his wife, he interrogated you like a suspect in a crime. Keep that in mind the next time he wants to rub your nose in this.

[Lll54]

True. And that's exactly what I said to him. This isn't how marriage works. This isn't how our marriage ever has worked. I feel like a criminal that he deals with everyday. It's not a nice feeling to be tricked into lying because yes...I was scared to tell him I vented to my sis and mom.

Now I'm in this position where I feel for how he is feeling but at the same time he found out in a horrible way and I just hate how he always gets to be mad at me. And I seem to always make the mistakes in this marriage. 4 years ago be left me for MY problems, 6 months ago he threatened to leave me again because "I" have a problem with affection, now he isn't sure what's going to happen to our marriage because "I" lied to him and talked to my family about him.

I'm always at a loss. And he feels like he is always the bigger better person in every situation. And in fighting for my marriage to death.

[TrentC]

I was scared to tell him I vented to my sis and mom.

Because you are afraid of being alone; in your mind that means you can't do anything to make him angry, so you will say and do anything to keep him "happy." And he knows it, and uses it to make you feel like a second-class person in your own marriage.

Let me be clear: what he did was horribly petty and mean-spirited. He could have—he should have—come to you and said "I found these messages between you and your family, and I'm really upset"; you could have had a real discussion about things. Instead, he misled you and manipulatied you into saying something that he could then twist against you.

Now I'm in this position where I feel for how he is feeling but at the same time he found out in a horrible way and I just hate how he always gets to be mad at me. And I seem to always make the mistakes in this marriage.

I'm sure that's not the case at all; however, he's a manipulative control freak and he will twist everything into making it seem like it's your fault.

And because you are terrified of the thought of him leaving you, you let him get away with that. Nothing will change for you until you get over the fear of his leaving you.

1) If he wants to leave, he will. There is very little you can do to keep him in your marriage against his will; and even if you could, why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with you any more?

2) If he leaves, you will be OK. It'll hurt a lot, and you will be miserable for a while; depending on how custody and child support goes, he will always be a presence in your life. But you will heal, and you might be able to find a healthier relationship with someone else.

3) If you don't take the time to learn about yourself and deal with some of the issues that you have, your relationships will never become what you want them to be; you will keep going from bad relationship to bad relationship, trying to find the person who can "fix" you.

[Lll54]

Because you are afraid of being alone; in your mind that means you can't do anything to make him angry, so you will say and do anything to keep him "happy." And he knows it, and uses it to make you feel like a second-class person in your own marriage.

Couldn't say it better myself.

Let me be clear: what he did was horribly petty and mean-spirited. He could have—he should have—come to you and said "I found these messages between you and your family, and I'm really upset"; you could have had a real discussion about things. Instead, he misled you and manipulatied you into saying something that he could then twist against you.

Exactly. This is what a strong healthy marriage would look like. Is this something I could bring up with him? Or do I just leave it?

I'm sure that's not the case at all; however, he's a manipulative control freak and he will twist everything into making it seem like it's your fault.

Yes i know:( his new late night social life, the fact he manipulated me rather than communicated with me...blah blah. He never seems to think he does anything wrong? Had the tables been turned and I read HIS messages? He would have absolutely went crazy with anger that I read his messages and it would have been my fault for reading them. He is so good at making it about me regardless. Actually had that been me reading his messages looking for a listening ear from his sister or mom I really don't think I would have said a thing. It would have sucked to see them saying a few bad things about me but I don't think I would have ever admitted that to him because I would have felt terrible for reading them in the first place. He doesn't! He doesn't think reading those was wrong.

1) If he wants to leave, he will. There is very little you can do to keep him in your marriage against his will; and even if you could, why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with you any more?

I guess I don't. I don't want him to be here if he doesn't love me.

If he leaves, you will be OK.

This is the part I can't understand yet. I don't want to think about it. I don't think I will be ok. I'm the weakest person you will ever meet. I just don't think I have the strength to get through this.

I didn't contact him all day and when I got home he was gone already to ref. He will be home well after I'm sleeping. In trying to detach. I had a good night with the boys and only teared up a little. Even had half a chicken breast for supper. More than I've had in a week. Small positive.

I just wish I knew all the answers. What to say, how to act...

[TrentC]

I just wish I knew all the answers. What to say, how to act...

As long as those are the answers you are looking for, you will stay trapped.

What you want are the magic words to say and the things to do that will make him love you and never treat you badly, ever again. And those don't exist.

The "what to say" and "how to act" are being true to yourself and repsecting yourself. And until you spend some time dealing with your issues, you can't hope to repair your marriage—if it even can be repaired at this point.

I honestly don't have anything else to say. I can repeat myself until I'm blue in the face, and you'll just keep ignoring what I'm telling you because it's not what you want to hear.

[TrentC]

And if you won't lift a finger to help yourself, consider your kids.

If your husband is as bad as I think he is, once he's done emotionally battering you into submission, they'll probably be next in line. Control freaks don't like ANYTHING happening without their permission.

And if he doesn't, then consider what your sons are learning about love and marriage from the two of you. Do you want them growing up thinking that the women in their life have to be stupid and weak? Do you want them going out into the world looking for women they can push around, the way their father pushes you around?