I can't feel your pain but I cannot imagine it being worse than finding out my Husband was cheating with a married co-worker. Both were lying to their spouses & both left them & kids so they could live in their own little Love Nest (her words).
In my opinion & experience - being left after 30 years together for someone he just met it the ultimate in pain.
I can't feel your pain but I cannot imagine it being worse than finding out my Husband was cheating with a married co-worker. Both were lying to their spouses & both left them & kids so they could live in their own little Love Nest (her words).
In my opinion & experience - being left after 30 years together for someone he just met it the ultimate in pain.
Barb
Oh gosh I did not try to diminish your feelings at all, I am sorry if it came across in that way. Being cheated on is horrible and painful, something I would not wish on anyone. I wasn't trying to say one is worse than the other, it all is bad.
Betrayal has many faces, my X hid (stole) money (quite a bit of it)and had an EA (thats all as far as I know). It is all painful, how can I trust someone not to do those things in the future? I guess the question is how do we move past this?
I refuse to let her actions change me for the worse, I am a giving, loving (and learning how to show that love in ways people need), and loyal person. I do not want to be bitter, angry, and resentful.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I think we all share more in common than not. I was in Subguy's boat: my XH left me for a whopping depression and lots of QT with alcohol. And I understand that about as much as you do in regards to your spouses leaving you for other people. NIL.
I can honestly tell you that the thought that I was so unattractive to choose nothing or nobody over me was something that landed me in a crisis of epic proportion. Just like you, I wound up doubting myself and it took a lot of work to crawl out of the hole of despair and doubt to get where I am. I'm 100% positive that I haven't completed this course, either.
While I didn't have the experience of finding out he was boinking someone else, I consider his departure a betrayal. He made vows to me that he refused to honor. I understand our spouses were unhappy, but the one thing we all share in common is that they felt their way was a justifiable means of resolving their inner demons and conflicts, and while none of us is truly innocent, none of us deserved the crap they handed to us either.
It svcked then, and it svcks now! Our kids are paying the price for their sh!tty choices.
I know this whole thread started out with the book by that bimbo. And I will add that I think her book is all about getting money and she's a self serving piece of crap without an ounce of remorse or sincerity in her "reflections". I hope it's not a bestseller. If it is one, then I hope that most of us agree that she's a deceitful POS.
Wow, I guess my client made me angrier than I thought...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
How do you learn to trust again? That was the big question I had. Here is how I did it...
I let someone in slowly. In our very first conversations I listened carefully & even jotted down a few facts as they were revealed such as where he lived, who he worked for etc & I did check out those facts as best I could. I paid attention - watched out for contradictions. And the same when we met in person. I looked for those little mannerisms that indicate deception. And in my mind - I guess I ruled out "axe murderer" but how could I be sure.
I guess you keep paying attention & slowly let the other person prove themselves. But really - is there any sure way? Nope! Because we trusted our pauses & in many cases they were honest & true for years (though I've learned things since we split that indicate earlier deceptions that I was oblivious to)
I had a receptionist who worked for my business who also became my friends. I had known her for 10 years or so before she worked for me and she worked for me for about 19 years. During the last 2 years she started leaving work after I left (she was in charge of staying a couple hours longer & closing). She wrote in hours she wasn't there. The other employees began telling me. And money started disappearing. She was the only one with access. Ultimately (after much agonizing & questioning myself) - I confronted her (she denied everything) & let her go. Could I have seen that coming? I think not.
So sometimes we just have to give people the benefit of the doubt but not give away too much before we are sure. Trust has to be earned and when they break thar trust - let them go.
So sometimes we just have to give people the benefit of the doubt but not give away too much before we are sure. Trust has to be earned and when they break thar trust - let them go.
I think you were just winked at by the jedi master too!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
i enjoy when threads take on a life of their own and end up in the unexpected areas.
trust will be a big one for me.
but for now i have a hard time giving up my personal space and time. i need that recharging time alone, and the more personal space i gave up, the more desperately i need that recharging. i'm like a junkie, i get nervous and twitchy and its not pretty at all.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Some relationships can be suffocating but we are not all so young anymore. Everyone here has a career, family commitments & most of us enjoy our alone time too. That is where a long distance R has worked for me. I get a nice balance of both & don't feel like I'm compromising on my time with my kids (grown). But my r would not be for everyone.
Josh is boarding a plane right now in Chicago enroute to Florida to see me. He flew from Toronto after work. Just for the weekend. That's dedication!
Ken - yep - that's the way we roll here. We have so many entwined subjects but it's like going to Cheers. A place to hang out, have a chat, vent, lend a sympathetic ear etc.
What a great thread. I think it is amazing how it is all script. We all get told so many of the same things. The classic ILYBINILWY etc.
And we laugh about the crazy hurtful stuff our x's say/said. KML you walk heavy and I chew loud.... Seriously?!?
What I'm finding hard in my new life where I attempt to date people is trust. Very hard. I have a low tolerance for any kind of deception. And so many of the internet driven dates have brought out liars.
I am proceeding carefully with the guy I am currently dating. He just about didn't get a third date because he kept talking about someone, who he paddles with. And finally said "she". I asked him before our first date was he seeing anyone else and he said no. But meeting with someone 3-4 times a week, even as a workout buddy, especially a woman sort of seems like some sort of relationship. And I think on our next phone conversation I will explore this with him.
I quit talking to another guy I was going out with because I caught him in one lie too many. He has been divorced either 4, 7 or 10 years. And he is either 59 or 64. (I think 60 something, thou he is very fit.)
Anyway, back to betrayal. We all got a dose of it. And we just can't make the crazy stuff up.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
What I DO feel betrayed by, is his financial abandonment of our adult children, leaving me solely on the hook for thousands and thousands of dollars helping them, when he makes 3 times my income. His selfishness in this situation is not only a betrayal of me, but of our children.
This is ME
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
