NERO - still afloat - "JUST"

[LoisB]

today i'm at peace with notion that we are all who we are- and fine, as such. that we all roll along doing what we do, feel, etc. at our own pace. go forward, fall down, get back up, do better, - do worse, get back up, etc.

I really like this Nero. That's an awesome feeling...the feeling you get when you realize you are right where you are supposed to be today.

[albamarie]

today i'm at peace with notion that we are all who we are- and fine, as such. that we all roll along doing what we do, feel, etc. at our own pace. go forward, fall down, get back up, do better, - do worse, get back up, etc.

I really like this Nero. That's an awesome feeling...the feeling you get when you realize you are right where you are supposed to be today.

Together this is perfect. Nero, you are doing very well. I give you much credit. You are not alone. Coming here has been very good for everyone. Our lives are really changing, but this time we are in control.

oooxxx dm

[nero]

hey universe:

still alive and hanging in there. relatively sane and calm- and glad to be alive, etc - still have gratitude in life.

feeling like my feelings about everything and everyone in life are changed - or changing. not soo good- workin hard to remain in control and not go spinning off into space or letting loose or becoming like the things i don't like..

i absolutely hate the screaming , anger spews from my one sister. it disturbs my wa in life- it disturbes my existance (in the background of my day to day life that is)

i cannot manage to communicate with her - or want to- yet need to over my mom's care, etc. i keep telling myself i need to keep focused on the "big picture" & rise above it all. i don't know if this is just "peacenik" claptrap i've told myself alllllll my life. or if it's true. it is bad when your belief system seems questionable sometimes.

i could just be going on auto pilot here. not sure. i hung up phone once lately when she "went bonkers" screaming- it was so unfair - this notion that allllllll her problems and guilt is my doing!!!!! (really - i should have such power in life- i'd be "God".)

i didn't last time- then she hung up on me before i could speak- i was tricked by usual old "little voice" saying try to be understanding, remain calm. - click (who is the jerk here anyway?) ( uh hem - me???)

it's a thorn in my side. h was here and perfectly pleasant and good company. wtf???

he did leave tho- go back to "his life". i hate it- notion of "his life" "my life". i don't like knowing he's got secret e-mail accounts, secret phones, secret ow.

i find it just bad to know in back of my mind. this stuff is changing how i think a bit in life-because tho it may not consume me constantly like before- and may not "matter" - it's still there and demands i acknowledge it. (you know- honest with self) portion of thew show....

oh well- not so much further along any particular road here- but then, ta da, "my journey" i guess- gotta keep on shufflin....

xxoo

[Portia]

Hey Nero!

As long as you are shuffling forward, that is great!

From my thread, you know my views on family - they can drive you up the wall. They can drive you over the wall. I am learning how to attempt to set boundaries with my family. When I am at work, I do not take their calls. Emergencies only.

And, just like DB'ing, I call when I am ready. There has never been an emergency, they want their answers NOW. Too bad.

Maybe when I am in a better place, I will be more gracious about helping. But I am still feeling overwhelmed and underappriciated and to sacrifice myself for people who feel and act entitled to my professional time is unappealing.

I take the high road, too. And I make sure they can't reach me on it.

Of course the "situation" is still there, my friend. He hasn't moved out and he still acts like he has a right to call you wife. Not treat you like one, but call you one. That must be tough.

Skippy has disappeared again and who knows when he will come out. If he will come out. I don't have much hope for us. But as detached as I am, this situation is still something I deal with in one way or another every day.

Let's keep shuffling together - at least we'll get a few laughs out of it!

[nero]

hey hi-

i'm with ya man . i'm trying to keep laughin. do okay- sometimes it is a bit "hair raising" and when no one is around to share that - then i notice even more. you're so right about keeping me around- but not acting like i am.

it's f'ing moldy. couple friends who are struggling like mad - single mom's getting f'd by ex's- i listen and then it makes me hang in here because of how much it $ucks to be $hit poor. I can still remember that- absolutely no glory in it- yuck. i can't bring myself to do it (yet)to myself. who knows tho, may seem like a good idea someday.

at this momemt my mother is having pain & (i believe) reoccurrence of whatever went on with her in august that was soooo bad (yet went home from hospital with no specific diagnosis- a bill for $155,000 - but no "answer") they just don't give a darn - drs) just figure she's 89- fix whatever it is for the moment and chuck her out the back door- it stinks to grow old in am erica man.

anyway- i'm doing my best to second guess and diagnose - my sister will take her to a dr on monday- i'm hoping no emergency room before then . it's soooo dicey- and soooo stressful. having trouble keeping myself chilled out. took a sleeping pill last nite- woke up twice thinking the phone rang. what? me on edge...

anyway- keep thinking of h saying "he has no right" to say to me that he wants me in his life or there would be a huge "hole" (??) and that when he thinks of me - he thinks "home" -

so, let me get this straight. he says he has no right to think or say anything nice-ish - yet he has the right to take away my notion of my "life", my love, my security , (try) my ego - be a stinking crab and make my life a misery (back a couple years - and for years) - and lie like a stinnkin cheatin rug - but saying something that might be "nice" - he thinks no right.????????

what in the world can be in his head??? i'm askin ya - what he has no right to was latching on to an honest old nice guy if he knew the whole time that he was a total rat who deserved another ratlike himself? i'm thinking this morning. (he's probably on way driven to go boink ow this weekend even as we speak- i'd like to fly over and drop a stinkin bomb on his head and be done with it - no backs)

i'm here "yelling" my head off - so i don't write an e-mail and say it to his stupid face. he has many fine qualities- honesty is not one of them. is there any? and was tehre ever? i will never be really sure - anymore. finding it out on the heels of 36 or so years of total commitment & love & trust - well, i'm still having a terrible time letting go of the notion of him as a decent human being and accepting half my entire life almost was spent with a liar - in a lie. i detest lies - i just don 't lie. i just hate the whole notion- reality of it. yet it's true-

oh man- oh well- time to stash that back in teh furthest corner of my brain and just get on with the day. fingers crossed about no emergency room hospital trips- i can't make the call tho- it's awful- trying to second guess and figure out this health stuff. i am no dr. - tho i play one on tv.!!

i can't quite get to the point of saying to self that i can live with him as he is - forever. could anyone ever "get used to" it?

that and other un-answerable questions today- need to go get very very busy and not think a bit longer. no good will come of it today...

xxoo thanks for note - i know- it's always there roaming around in the back of our lives - brains, somewhre.

i guess til they die or we do or somehow cease to exist in each other's lives- it will.

God, i sure hope someday i'm DONE with this all- and have moved on and over to a different life.

i dread my mother dying- tho i know it's something that will happen sooner rather than later. I've been steeling myself for years- are ya ever really "ready"? im thinking of course not. oh well-

like the death of love i guess- it just "happens to you" - no need to be ready or even think about it- it happens in it's own time and you just have to live thru it- ta da...

okay- that 's it for dreary old me- preparing self (i hope sufficiently) to remain alive and in control thru whatever comes - eeeeeekkkkkk... wait- just for today and right now- i am fine. right now- i am fine - right now- i am fine.

ooooohhhhmmmmmmmmmmm

[albamarie]

Nero,

There is no rhyme or reason to what comes out of their mouths. It is not meant to make sense, it is babble that they spew in order to make themselves feel justified.

My H is the town mayor of crazy things to say. All we can do is finally be done listening to it, and especially remembering all the stuff they have said in the past.

Let it all go! A wise woman told me that last year!

ooxx Dawn

[nero]

yeah-

i know- if only i were "wise" enough and in control enough every single minute of the day and nite to do it. let it all flow rite by me.

i'm workin on it- i swear! one of these days- i'm sure total wisdom (not to mention peace with the universe) will plop down on my cranium.

hope springs eternal, huh?

- oh no - darn - that damn optimism = can't seem to just get rid of every single shred of optimism for future, whatever.....

oh well- it's getting enough sleep last nite for a change. Thank God for sleeping pills-

this staring down the barrel of life, death, illness, oldage, is mighty "heavy" as a daily diet..

getting tht all in it's place too, well, trying.

mother theresa wannabee - me

i'm outta here- lots to do- xxoo

[nero]

hiya db world:

i'm throwing this out there this morning- something i find myself "saying" in a letter and thinking in general (i'd guess).

This business of my mother being 89, crabby as heck, ill? either giong to live to be 115 or who knows, may die tomorrow, my h either going to be here in my life til i croak- or gone tomorrow-etc.

I FIND myself saying that i feel "honor bound" to see it thru. it's this (maybe nutty) outlook i seem to have roaming around in my brain somewhere - that pops out and surprises me.

i THINK i'm here with h , in this life that "used to be" so great- was ratty for bunch of years with me not really "seeing" what was going on, & being understanding - to now, he's pleasant and companionable when we are together- which is not most of the time - wtf???

same deal with my mother- she's mostly awful most of the time. I'd buy into the whole "it's her age, memory & health" thing- EXCEPT it's been like this for 20 years. since i came back up to nj and began spending time back in her life. she is an unhappy woman (i guess) who has spent her last 20 or so years ranting and railing against the unfairnesses of her life- she's mad, always, she's jealous to think i have "had it easy" because "i have h" and "what do i know?" . resentful that she thinks i haven't suffered enough- not like her!! (no one hs) BUT has no pity or empathy for my two sisters that ended up divorced and with kids to support- no matter what -IT';S ALWAYS DIFFERENT.

SHE IS AN angry woman- . She was a good mom, i had happy memories until i came back up here. HUGE MISTAKE APPARENTLY- who woulda knew.?? oh yeah- all the people and common wisdom tha says "you can never go home" - well oops - true enough.

BUT IT'S seeming to be a "theme " with me. this business of "seeing it thru" and "honor bound".

so i'm askin ya all- am i nuts or what? to be here dbing and not chucking this life with h - not chucking h - because we had soooo many wonderful years - (during which he may or may not have been cheating and i never knew- that is a big problem) - i feel like i've got to give it all every possible chance til i run away screaming or die,. (wewllk or he does) question is why??????.

same deal with my mother. i know you're all scratching your heads- saying what the heck is new here??? nothin - will you ever get out of this loop of "explaining" "apologizing" etc. about your stupid life and your stupid R's and get on with something????

i can't get to teh feeling that it is that "easy" - to walk away from anything. to walk away from these two toxic r's that i seem locekdd into at the moment.

true h being around paying bills enables me to "do my duty" toward this 89 year old , memory deficient , woman who does, occasionally thank me for coming over. (and have apleasant life of course) she's not a total ogre- i feel guilty as i paint her- it's accurate tho. she is pretty much a complaint/criticism machine going on full tilt most of the time.

i get it that some people (her & H?) can only SHARE THE BAD NEWS - THAT TO say or share anything good would somehow diminish them. that they are nuts and messed up in the head (sorry- my own view) but that doesn't make them pu4re evil or anything.

for better or worse (see- what i say when i'm not over-thinking it) i'm studk with them. in life- til it is "the end" . somehow- someway.

SOOOO- WTF is that anyway. am i nut and masochist - or a great guy for my loyalty in the face of adversity?? oooor - IS IT MY "kid self" seeking the security of SOMEONE - ANYONE rather than just be old me on my own.

i'm all "down" with this business of taking care of self in crunch- no body really was around when i left old h-got a apartment- and paid my way in a different state/town THAN WHERE i grew up. nobody was there first christmas all alone- no one cared- poor as pooh - I GET IT- I DID IT- I CAN REMEMBER.....(woo hoo- whatta man i can be- no glory in it-just ws what it was)

JUST cause we do stuff WE HAve to, when the chips are down- doesn't mean we have to look forward to it- or embrace it- ONE STINNKING MINUTE before we HAVE to- as in , reality crashes down around you forcing you todo what you must... like caregiving in the face of someone elses near-death health crisis- you do your best in an extreme and extremely uncomfotable- out of your depth- situation-

so- as usual- i guess here's me, neurotic old thing- "defending" myself and "explaining" myself- and doing it of my own volition- so, like, what the he!! -

i am wondering if i ever will feel like i don't need to explain one darn thing to any darn old anyone.

WELL- THAT BEING SAID- heren i am, and if i had to say, i'm explaining to myself what the heck i'm doing and thinking- like i don't know - like i am not soooo abso-f'ing-lutely SURE of what i'm doing, where i'm heading, etc.

idk universe. i am looking out the window- just stood up and an hour ago the world was old regular black street, etc. - ugly old winter and THIS MINUTE- I TURN AROUND A KABAM- IT'S WONDERFUL AND MAGICAL OUTSIDE- SNOW AN INCH OR SO DEEP- BEAUTIFUL - SUCKING ME OUT THE DOOR TO GO WALK WHILE IT'S FALLING AND BEFORE IT GETS UGGED UP BY CARS!! W HO CANNOT NOT BE IMPRESSED.

I KEEP having this feeling that - neu4rosis aside- stupidity aside (get those bad possibilities out of the way) loyalty aside- insanity & devotion to (possibly) total loser relationships that were great and went serioyusly down the tube (of course- due to unworthy recipient of my affections - rather than my own issues) (natch!!) - ta da, still find myself feeling o kay with me and sorta happy and sorta optimistic about the futurwe. tho, honestly- i can't see one minute of it.

i can't see further than a walk in this beaty- and dreading my stupid angry sister calling this morning- (she's at my mom's here in town to take her to a dr. appt) calling and somehow ambushing me into receiving another tongue-lashing.

nuts huh? that i can still recapture the notion i am pretty much "a happy person" despite my life being full , it seems, of wierd-stressful relationships WITH the main players. it's something- i'm not sure what. it's bettter thana the misery fog- i hope i'm somewhere i can stay-

i'm grateful not to feel miserable rite niow - so , like, my matra " nothing bad is happening at this minute - so everything is alright" right???

i'm not sure that all made sense- i'm just going to submit it be cause i do not even want tor e-read- and if i'm merely wacky- idk.

orrr- am i such a sad little person, second child, caregiver, crowd pleaser that i ammmm need6y and need someone to say- good girl- nope, you're not a sucker and glutton for punishment- or greedy b!tch, or whatever the heck? the field is wide open isn't it? i can be wonderful or totally reprehensible- and who can see self clearly sometimes???

okay- i 'm gonna go play in the darn snow and the he!! with it all- messy attic, messy life, messy r, messy mlc, i'm going to work on this lovely old quilt top i'm "saving" and will be a pleasure to own & use- and i'm going to walk in the snow- and i'm not going to worry about anything- (at least this minute- i'm feelin excited about ths snow and how pretty the wrold is.!!

xxoo one nut cluster who fell out fo the box

[nero]

hi anyone-

PLEASE IGNORE (and forgive) MY WAH WAH RANTING- i do need to never do this again. i do neeed to stfu. i need to get rid of my "expectations" of people-

that is MY PROBLEM & jacked-up outlook- i acknowledge that.

this morning- looking at what a mess yesterday turned into- i am saying i need to quit this crappola (now & going forward) (i hope) - my part in it all.

I'M just sayin- i do see it. sorry about givin into this ratty "self" that wallows & wants to "change" what is unchangeable ..(well,not my "right" to expect change of others- (or rather, expect them to be the nice children i knew &loved) they are grown up- and the child is gone. gotta plant that in my brain and accept it. i know, it;s only me i can change)

i got it... fall down 35 get up 36

[willbwell]

you take care of your mother because you wouldn't do otherwise ie turn your back. there is something inside that chooses compassion, empathy, over selfishness . goes for the h too.

would love to be able to say right now today to my h, h so sorry but I am done with YOU. how do you like that! You had it pretty good my friend, well no more. I won't be ugly, but I am done waiting on you. have a nice life!

don't worry about the rant. we all feel it. I feel it.