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A Message from Michele
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Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: jp787] #2404916
11/15/13 07:53 PM
11/15/13 07:53 PM
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MrBond Offline
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"Well I lost my patience after trying to do the 180 for a couple weeks."

Just FYI, it takes more than just a couple of weeks. It took years to get to this point. A few days won't do it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: MrBond] #2404989
11/15/13 11:43 PM
11/15/13 11:43 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
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coda87 Offline OP
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I forgot to mention I received DR in the mail yesterday. Again, I wish I read it sooner. I got through about 1/3 of it last night and I read chapter 10 on Infidelity. It sounds like I jumped right to the Last Last Resort.

I never realized until now how hard this is to do which is controlling your actions/behavior when you have serious negative emotions whirling around inside. At least the length of time I can endure it is getting longer. Right after D-Day I had no control, then every 2-3 days, then 1 once a week, and most recently I held out for almost 2 weeks.

I will keep doing the 180, not focus on her, keep the divorce proceedings going. I let her have it all her way until I filed for D. I hope I can keep my resolve.

Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: coda87] #2405885
11/18/13 08:49 PM
11/18/13 08:49 PM
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Accuray Offline
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Coda87, I think you misunderstand "180" as you keep referring to it as "the 180" and seem to think it means not focusing on W.

"180" in the book means looking at the things you did in your marriage that drove your spouse crazy and changing them. i.e. if you always left your clothes on the floor and it drove your W crazy, start putting them in the hamper all the time. It's taking their marital complaints and turning them upside down.

The nuance is that you want to make changes that are important to you, not just things you can do "to get your spouse back". If you just do it to get them back, it will be transparent, and they will distrust that the change is real. They'll think as soon as they come back you'll revert to how things were. That's why it's important to commit to your 180 and "live it" even when no one is watching. That's what it comes down to.

Not focusing on her and stopping your resistance is "Act as If"

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: Accuray] #2405938
11/18/13 10:12 PM
11/18/13 10:12 PM
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coda87 Offline OP
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Thanks for the clarification about the 180.
My wife admitted that our marriage was comfortable before the affair. But she had these complaints:

1)We didn't have enough fun, both just the two of us, and with the family
2) I didn't take enough initiative to plan fun things with her and/or the kids.
3) I'm too lenient with the kids (ie with homework, staying up late, playing too much videogames/computer time)

For #3, I have made changes. I've been making the kids go to bed earlier, limit their videogame/computer time, monitor their homework, even made a chores list they have to do to earn their allowance.

For #1 & #2 - I am a bit confused because I've always spent more time with the kids. I take them camping 3-4 times per year. I take them to the beach at least once a month. I'm the Wolf den leader for one of my son's Cub scout pack, weekly mtgs for that. And my wife very rarely participated in all those things. Usually on Saturday we would go out to eat as a family for dinner. And I have continued to do things with the kids and even as a family on weekends.

So I think my wife wanted bigger fun things like family vacations (which we haven't done in a while). And alone time for just her and I. I actually complained about this to her after she started her new real estate job. Since the affair is still ongoing and things are bad between us, it seems kind of weird to try and 180 the issues for #1 & #2. So not sure how to 180 this issue. Any advice is appreciated.

Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: coda87] #2405947
11/18/13 10:31 PM
11/18/13 10:31 PM
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coda87 Offline OP
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Also here is an update since our argument last week Thur. She when out on Fri to dinner with a friend to talk about D. But she came home early before 10pm. She didn't go out Sat or Sun night, and is not going out tonight. Neither of us has brought up the marriage/divorce since then. She hasn't made and appointment with the MC to discuss how to tell our kids about the D. At home, both of us have been polite/courteous. But not affection displayed by either. I thought about asking her if she wants to postpone the divorce proceedings until after the holidays. But I decided not to do that for now.

A couple other things happened that made me think. It could just be my wishful thinking. First, she was going to go out Saturday afternoon to practice hitting golf balls. I asked if she was going by herself, and she reacted like I thought she was going to go with the OM who is an avid golfer. I shouldnt have asked. But 10 min later she said she is not going to go. I'm hoping that she changed her mind maybe because she thought I would worry, so out of consideration she cancelled. And second, I went out with some friends on Saturday night. When I got back, everyone was in bed. But on her desk was her 2nd cell phone bill for Oct. Last week when we argued, I asked to see it, she refused then. The bill is not a detailed bill showing all the calls/text msgs. But it shows the # minutes used and # of text msg, both were lower than the previous month, especially the txt msgs (only 19). So I wonder is she left it on her desk on purpose? Or is she that careless? I don't know for sure. Maybe I'm just hoping too much.

Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: coda87] #2405951
11/18/13 10:45 PM
11/18/13 10:45 PM
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Accuray Offline
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Yeah, you have to be careful with their complaints because sometimes it's just a smokescreen to justify their affair, and sometimes they are real. You have to critically evaluate them and think about how YOU want to live your life and what's important to YOU. From what you've written you're doing fine. The best way to 180 the "lack of fun" complaint is to go out and have fun yourself or with the kids and don't worry about if she notices or not.

With regard to your second post, that is all wishful thinking. You're way down in the weeds analyzing her every utterance and action and attaching meaning to it. You need to take the long term view. No one interaction one way or the other really means that much. You will know you are making progress when you are feeling better about yourself. You will know you are making progress in your relationship when W starts staying home at night because she wants to, gives up her second cell phone, and agrees to go "no contact" with OM and provide full transparency. Before that, don't believe anything she says at all, believe only half of what she does, and do NOT get your hopes up over anything.

I would not expect things to be markedly different until July - August next year. I would focus on that as your next appraisal point and not try to temperature-check on a day to day basis. Don't bring up the D either, that was good. When she goes out, don't ask if she's going alone, just take your eye off what she does, that's up to her. Focus on you and the kids.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: Accuray] #2406558
11/20/13 05:57 AM
11/20/13 05:57 AM
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coda87 Offline OP
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I'm really not willing to wait til next summer for her.She finally admitted that she still has feelings for the OM. That's all I wanted to know. All this time she kept denying the affair was still ongoing. This lead me to believe there was still a chance. Now I know there isn't because I'm just not patient enough to wait around for her. And I'm what, just her backup plan?
No way. I'm will continue the divorce process .

Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: coda87] #2406580
11/20/13 12:37 PM
11/20/13 12:37 PM
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Accuray Offline
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I get it, there is nothing at all wrong with that


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: Accuray] #2408172
11/24/13 11:59 PM
11/24/13 11:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
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coda87 Offline OP
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My WW keeps saying the affair is over. And she wants a divorce because of our bad marriage. Well Friday night I figured out what hotel they were meeting at. So me and the OMs wife went to the hotel to confront them. The four of us met in the hotel lobby. OM barely said anything, but my WW, OMW, and I talked. My WW said she wants to be with the OM. So I know the truth now is that WW is still deeply attached to the OM.

I figure it's pretty much over. But I don't want to divorce.
The divorce process is moving forward. Is it too late? What can I do now?
Should I even try to talk my WW about stopping or at least delaying the D?
I'm feeling so sad and desperate.

Re: My Wife Having Affair/I just filed for D [Re: coda87] #2408237
11/25/13 04:49 AM
11/25/13 04:49 AM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,583
Los Angeles
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luvless Offline
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Los Angeles
Do you really want to be the second choice?


M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10
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