Internet infidelity can be a serious problem, and seems to be becoming more of an issue all the time. I have seen quite a few people discuss this within their own threads, without getting a lot of answers.
I wanted to start this thread so we had a place to go to take a closer look at this issue, and see what we might be able to do about it. To share what has, and hasn't worked for those of us dealing with this issue.
Michele begins talking about this on page 219 of DR.
So, who wants to go first?!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Great idea! My W is is having an EA with a co-worker in Australia. It goes beyond internet as they frequetly talk on the phone. I've had crazy ideas about sending him an email through a email remailer so as to hide the originating location and address it from someone in his company telling him that the human resources department has his number and will come down on him hard if he doesn't stop. Crazy, I know but I also feel with all of my soul that if the OM was out of the picture my W would come running back.
I've also concidered sending my W an email the same way making it look like it was a mistake by the OM. Something that would indicate to her that he was just playing her for a fool.
Unfortunatly, it would be for the wrong reasons. Just thought I get this going. Now I know you all think I'm a psycho but it's hard to deal with when you feel this desperate.
Yup, this internet stuff is a big problem. Just read an issue of Washingtonian magazine (December 2002, I believe) that discusses this.
My W was/is a stay at home mom, homeschooling our 3 boys. I think that she found the internet a place to talk to someone during the day that was her age. And that led to more intimate talk. I believe that it is inevitable that a person will find someone on the net that strikes a chord....because so much of it is unreal. No personal contact. Just putting one's best front, hiding the bad side. But the bond is real. And the addiction too.
This article says that 1 in ten married folks carry on an intimate relationship with someone on the internet. Just think what that does to the M.....
I think that these net relations show the flaws in our R. But they do little to try to fix them. The virtual R seems so good that there is little hope to compete. Even after my W toned down the virtual R, the damage was done. She saw me in a different light that she does not like.
jamesjohn, definitely a good topic to start, i'm interested in seeing what people have to say.
the internet provides us with quite the conundrum, as it's like a continual first date.
you know, on a first date, you brush your teeth twice, chew with your mouth closed, ask interesting questions and provide provacatively interesting answers to questions you're asked...
you are as perfect as you can be, and so are the people you talk to, especially if you (and they) are lonely.
i remember thinking, before I embarked on my own little internet voyage, how SAD it was for people to be tied to their monitors, looking for a connection in this immensely lonely world...
and yes, how sad indeed.
one night 2 1/2 years ago, going to bed, totally depressed with my sitch. my H had been drinking a lot for a lot of years and Al Anon wasn't really making me feel any better. i tried, i really did, to grasp the concept of "detaching with love", but the fights H started over nothing, and the continuous accusations "YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND ME!", followed by going to sleep on the living room floor ~ it was too much. So, I prayed... I prayed and prayed, "Lord, please give me the knowledge of your will for me and the power to carry that out." I prayed long and hard into the night.
I feel asleep and had an intense dream. I woke up the next day and when I got to work, went looking for information on the content of my dream... ON LINE. I found a message board. So, I'm thinking this is God's will, right?
The story's really long, I could type all day.
But, here I am. X-internet-OM, M devastated on both sides not because of the internet, but because it was just much easier to talk to ppl online than it was to talk to my H. People who had brushed their teeth twice...
So, here I am. Still on-line, but on the DB website.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but. The internet is a dangerous combination of reality and fantasy. I mean, the xeom IS real, right? A person with feelings and all that? And I am real, right? I get my feelings hurt and all that?
Sometimes I feel like my head is in a can. Sometimes I feel incapable of dealing with the real world out here because I'm so interested in hearing what the people with super clean teeth have to say.
It's a conundrum...
And with that, I think I'll log off for the day
(and now that i've double-checked what i've written and added the appropriate emoticon here and there... i shall hit "continue".... good day ppl)
Just read MAState's thread....her H is involved in pornography. My W was not (guess it is more of a guy thing). Yet, it seems to me that a woman can attract a man by two means: her looks, and her flattery. The internet lets both loose with tremendous power. More so than we as a society can handle.
I trusted my W so much, even when I knew she was casually talking to folks in the e-group. But the tempation was too much for her. As it is for so many. There is little time limitation for contact that once kept infatuation at bay. This is really letting our adult population run free in the candy shop....and the results are pouring in....
Again, our technology outpaces our capacity to cope.
Here's some wierd, rambling thoughts I'm having as I'm reading through here, so please bear with me!
These thoughts aren't so much to "diagnose" the reasons why these internet situations happen, or to lay blame in ANY direction, but lean more towards getting some ideas about what could be done differently to help curb the beast.
I wonder what kind of role any "intimacy issues" play? If there is a fear of intimacy deep within a person, is it easier to bear your soul to a faceless stranger? (Is that sometimes what we do here?) Do they feel safer, and less exposed to judgement, revealing themselves to someone they don't know? Have they ever tried to reveal themselves this way to their spouse before, or have they been afraid? If they have tried, and been rejected, are they afraid to try again?
How about the fantasy issue? Probably a lot of these situations start out with a person playing out some kind of fantasy, and gets carried away? Do the people that fall trap to internet relationships feel that they can't play the fantasy game with their spouse? Have they ever tried? Do they maybe feel trapped in their role of spouse/parent/provider, etc., and are looking for an escape? If so, have THEY placed themselves in that role, or might they feel that their partner has?
you know, on a first date, you brush your teeth twice, chew with your mouth closed, ask interesting questions and provide provacatively interesting answers to questions you're asked...
I LOVE this analogy! So true!
That's all for now, more later. Gotta run, and go brush my teeth again!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
The most insidious aspect of the internet use is that it is anonymous, the person involved is often embarrassed by their behavior (especially if pornography is involved) and it becomes so hidden that by the time the partner finds out, the damage to the relationship has been done. No real person can ever compete with a fantasy who is "perfect" and so the real relationship begins to fall apart without giving the partner any opportunity to rectify anything that is wrong. My H and I had what appeared on the surface to be a warm, loving, sexual relationship. We went to dinners together, went on wonderful vacations as a family, went away on weekends as a couple for our anniversary and other occasions and always said "I love you". I accidently found out that he was going to the "adult friendfinder" site, became upset and confronted him. He swore it was just a fantasy, he loved me and it would stop. Two months later I found directions to a women's house. Again, he said he loved me, he was under stress, he never followed through with it and that he was highly embarrassed by his behavior. There were suspicous cell phone calls and other "red flags" but I tried to have trust in him and brush them aside. Then I found temporary internet files on the computer hard drive and realized the internet stuff hadn't stopped. I broke into his hotmail account by changing the password and was appalled at what I saw. There were dozens of emails with a sexual content going back two years. He talked about being in a "passionless" marriage and how he had been "celibate" for four years. Complete lies. From the content of the emails, it was obvious he crossed the line into phone conversations and again I confronted him. He became very defensive and said everything was my fault and that he is very frustrated with me. But why keep me in the dark for two years when I repeatedly asked him if he was only staying with me out of obligation? He constantly reassured me that he loved me. Then I got the phone call from a woman who had an affair with my H after they met through the internet. My H says he hated the person he had become, he broke off the relationship and therefore, she became vindictive. She claims she broke it off because she realized my husband needed help. She moved her whole family (she is married as well) to our hometown from out of state to be near my husband. They sent each other love letters (she sent them to me) before they ever met. This woman told me she was annoyed because my husband described himself as having an "athletic build" and she said she was shocked when she met him and told him to lose weight. What do people on the internet expect? Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too? Ironically, my husband's being slightly overweight has never bothered me. Now my husband and I are both in individual counseling and later, we plan to go to couples counseling. I do love him and want the relationship to work for ourselves and for our two children (ages 15 and 10) but how can I ever learn to trust again? How do I tell the lies from the truth? As soon as this fantasy internet thing ended, it is as if our relationship ended as well. He no longer tells me he loves me and is very aloof. Now he says he needs to go to counseling to find out where he is going and find out what is the "right thing to do". He thinks I only want to stay in our marriage for the "security". Now he says he hasn't been happy in our marriage for ten years-ten years!? Why didn't anyone give me a clue? Is this typical? Does the real relationship go "poof" as soon as the fantasy one ends? I am so confused. Now I feel as if I was the one having the fantasy relationship all along.
My W is involved in a PA with a guy 500 miles away. She denies it is physical but knowing she has booked a flight to he BF town... Anyway, W met him online after our problems started. Ihave since found that the problem is the result of our 14 month old son. I became a very serious person when he was conceived. I have since realized this. My W discovered the internet in Jan. She met her BF by just looking up profiles. I do not know when but the affair turned to phone calls then to actually her making a trip (or 2) to Chicago. this is about halfway. She has denied PA, but has told me they talk. That is an understatement she has gone through at least 1000 minutes of phone cards. I know the relationship has become a PA. As I said above she has booked a flight to visit him in a couple of weeks. Even though she has BF, she still prowls the internet chat rooms and instant messaging. She has become addicted. I have witnessed her online not 15 minutes after coming home. I am not at home but our S is. I know the affair will not last but her addictiion may affect our son. I have to find a way to get her to counselling. She refuses. I cannot compete with her BF or the internet. I am a loving husband who has made mistakes, her BF's are perfect. I cannot and should not have to compete. I can only be there for her when the fog clears.
