My previous thread lasted me four months, and a lot has happened on my march forward on the path of life. A quick bio of me and my sitch is in my signature. My threads:
On the other shore (I finally figured out the previous 2 wouldn't fully display)
Teaching the kids to swim
Awesoming all over the place (I could also call it: "awesome-nipresent")
Notables (computer generated at random):
I am pretty darn well detached, but I won't say completely 100% yet.
I moved back into the old house we lived in for four years. I needed space to have for D's and it made financial sense.
Kids were informed of the divorce (very recently), but are doing rather well.
XW is still a mess. She hasn't done anything different and she is still in the same spot (shocker!). Add to that her recent and no-relief-in-sight financial woes. *sigh*
I graduate in a month.
I feel called to comfort others with the comfort with which I've been comforted.
R-based talk is over. I am not hoping it gets brought up. I am not waiting for the right time to say something. I am holding onto my little glimmer of hope, but don't have any expectations.
I will remain faithful to my vows.
I am now comfortable telling people I am divorced.
The depression symptoms that surprisingly returned stayed for a few weeks and are fading away. Even so, they were never as intense as the worst of times for me.
I am primed to build upon this post, specifically boundary establishment and adherence - facing the motivations for my behavior and what loving her looks like.
Thread title: my dad asked how I was doing via email recently. He knew I had some difficult tasks to check off of my list and I had been feeling down. As you (and he) are well aware I tend to be a bit verbose, but this time I didn't need many words to convey the entirety of my state of being. I simply replied: "It is well with my soul." (There's a captivating and tragic story behind the writing of that hymn by Horatio Spafford.)
Thank you to all who read, opine, pray, care, spend mental energy on, or just keep up with my sitch in general. I sincerely appreciate the support.
Enduring well (true story),
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
In the late 1860s life was good for Horatio G. Spafford and his wife Anna. They were living in a north side suburb of Chicago with their five children, Annie, Maggie, Bessie, Tanetta and Horatio, Jr. He had a successful law practice in Chicago. The doors of the Spaffords' home were always open as a place for activists to meet during the reform movements of the time. Horatio G. Spafford was quite active in the abolitionist movement. Frances E. Willard, president of the National Women's Christian Temperance Union as well as evangelical leaders like Dwight L. Moody were often guests in their home. Spafford was a Presbyterian church elder and a dedicated Christian.
Until now Horatio and Anna Spafford had led a charmed life. They had everything going their way.
However, in 1870 their faith was tested by tragedy. Their four year old son, Horatio, Jr., died of scarlet fever. The Spaffords were devastated.
In October of 1871 when the Great Chicago Fire broke out Horatio faced another test of his faith. A few months before the Great Chicago Fire, Spafford being a wealthy man, had invested much of his wealth in real estate by the shore of Lake Michigan. Not only did the Great Chicago Fire destroy most of Chicago but most of Spafford's holdings were destroyed. 250 people died in the Great Chicago Fire and 90,000 were left homeless.
The Spaffords did not despair. Their home had been spared and they had their family. God had been good. Even though their finances were mostly depleted, Anna and Horatio used what resources they had left to feed the hungry, help the homeless, care for the sick and injured and comfort their grief stricken neighbors. The Great Chicago Fire was a great American tragedy; the Spaffords used it to show the love of the Christ to those in need.
In 1873 Anna Spafford's health was failing and hoping to put behind the tragic loss of their son and the fire and to benefit Anna's health, the Spaffords planned a trip to Europe. They would sail on the French steamer Ville du Havre to Europe with their four daughters. Spafford not only wanted to visit Europe but he wanted to assist Evangelists Dwight L. Moody and Ira D. Sankey in a revival they were conducting in England.
The Spaffords planed to leave in November on their voyage to Europe. The day they were to sail for Europe Spafford had a business emergency and could not leave. Not wanting to disappoint his wife Anna and their daughters he sent them on ahead and planned to follow on another ship in a few days. Accompanying Anna Spafford were her French governess, Emma Lorriaux, several friends and several ministers.
On November 22, 1873 the steamer Ville du Havre was struck by a British iron sailing ship, the Lockhearn. The steamer Ville du Havre, with Anna Spafford and her daughters aboard, sank within twelve minutes in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Only 81 of the 307 passengers and crew members survived this tragic shipwreck.
Even though the Lockhearn was in danger of sinking, the unconscious Anna Spafford was picked up from floating debris by the crew of the Lockhearn. An American cargo sailing vessel, the Trimountain, arrived in time to save the survivors of the Ville du Havre and the Lockhearn.
Anna Spafford was taken to Cardiff, Wales where she telegraphed her husband Horatio. Anna's cable was brief and heartbreaking, "Saved alone. What shall I do..." Horatio and Anna's four daughters had drowned.
As soon as he received Anna's telegram, Horatio left Chicago without delay to bring his wife home. Sailing across the Atlantic Ocean the captain of the ship called Horatio to the bridge. He informed Horatio that "A careful reckoning has been made and I believe we are now passing the place where the Ville du Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep."
Horatio asked the Captain to stop over the spot for a moment. Spafford went to his cabin alone deep in the ship's hull and penned the words to his now famous hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." Horatio's faith in God never faltered. He later wrote Anna's half-sister, "On Thursday last we passed over the spot where she went down, in mid-ocean, the waters three miles deep. But I do not think of our dear ones there. They are safe, folded, the dear lambs."
Lyrics:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul, It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. (refrain)
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! (refrain)
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul, It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
When did you feel detached? Was it due to the length of your timeline?
I suppose you are still standing. Any specific timeline to let go completely and move on to another relationship?
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
When did you feel detached? Was it due to the length of your timeline?
I honestly don't know WHAT did it. The experience was like driving my car in the left lane of the highway, with W's car up ahead of me in the right lane. I couldn't stop focusing on her car with it up there, seemingly taunting me all the time, reminding me of what I DON'T have, but desperately wanted.
So I focused on the road, determined to move forward on my own, happy in my own car - but I looked up ahead again and she was still there. Then I focused on the road some more - better focus this time - but I looked up ahead again and she was still there. Then I went back to focusing on the road - REALLY hard for a LONG time - and all of a sudden I looked up and she wasn't there, which surprised me. I checked my review mirror and she was behind me.
I don't know how she got there or I got here, whether she slowed down or I sped up...it just happened without me noticing until it was already done.
Originally Posted By: planet
I suppose you are still standing. Any specific timeline to let go completely and move on to another relationship?
"I will remain faithful to my vows."
Technically that is until she dies, I die, or she enters into a covenant relationship (marriage) with another man. As far as my heart goes, I have no idea...there's no timeline or technicality for that.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
[quote=PatientMan "I will remain faithful to my vows."
Technically that is until she dies, I die, or she enters into a covenant relationship (marriage) with another man. As far as my heart goes, I have no idea...there's no timeline or technicality for that.
-PM [/quote]
That's about all I have left to focus on as well Patientman. Unless a divorce happens. All the best.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Aaaaaaand I'm pretty sure she's hitting bottom. I'm not expecting it - just being prepared - but it's difficult thinking about the possibility that she will ask if we can get back together and I have to tell her "not like this."
Of course, I'm also preparing for her to blame me for all the world's problems and start spewing nothing but poisonous venom in my direction for however many years. You gotta cover all your bases.
Generally, I'm just concerned. She's pretty low. But this is her journey, not mine.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
When did you feel detached? Was it due to the length of your timeline?
I honestly don't know WHAT did it. The experience was like driving my car in the left lane of the highway, with W's car up ahead of me in the right lane. I couldn't stop focusing on her car with it up there, seemingly taunting me all the time, reminding me of what I DON'T have, but desperately wanted.
So I focused on the road, determined to move forward on my own, happy in my own car - but I looked up ahead again and she was still there. Then I focused on the road some more - better focus this time - but I looked up ahead again and she was still there. Then I went back to focusing on the road - REALLY hard for a LONG time - and all of a sudden I looked up and she wasn't there, which surprised me. I checked my review mirror and she was behind me.
I don't know how she got there or I got here, whether she slowed down or I sped up...it just happened without me noticing until it was already done.
Thank you for taking the time to explain this. It has helped me tremendously!!
A few tough questions for PatientMan tonight before I tucked in all my ladies.
-D3 asked if I was sleeping there. -D7 asked if the divorce XW and I got was the kind where she was going to have to have a step-dad. -D7 recalled a conversation she had with W and me a few years ago about another family that we knew that was going through a divorce at the time. She accurately remembered that W and I assured her she didn't have to worry about anything like that - that we were a happy family.
Ds - all of them - have been very open to me over the last 6 months or so. It makes me happy that they trust me with their thoughts and feelings, but the questions are still tough. And though she has her own struggles with them that I am not dealing with (given I live under a different roof) I don't think they trust XW the same way, so she hasn't had to field these types of inquiries which sometimes feel like body blows accumulating in a boxing match.
So as not to go to sleep on such a somber note, I'll share a guilty pleasure of mine: I enjoy eating chocolate while watching The Biggest Loser.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
