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Sounds good, I don't hear any 'victim speak' in your post. Learn to live "The Four Agreements"

Whatever she is doing is not about you. It's her reality, her (bad) dream.

Don't make any assumptions about the way your kids are being. It appears that they have observed your lack of malice and are responding 'in kind'. In other words you are being impeccable with your word and not using it to harm or gossip about her. Yet they can see how XW and OMB are not impeccable with their word.

What works for me, is I look at everything that happens and try to frame it in terms of the agreements.

And, what your doing has been helping to support ME as I try to rebuild the relationships with my adult daughters. Luckily their mother is not the enemy.


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Thanks Frank, It warmed my heart to learn someone is benefitting from my sitch.

I emailed X a request for the two of us to sit down with a counselor. Much to my surprise she agreed and we had a session Monday. She says she's frightened of me, feels "threatened" (my L mentioned this but said I'm one if the least threatening clients she's ever had), has trouble sleeping and upset stomach. All of this is because I "had" her arrested.

Her version of events that day are different from what I remember happening. I'm not losing any sleep over her beliefs but it explains shg the kids see md as the "bad" guy in all this as they have heard her version and see her drama.

I did my best to be diplomatic in our discussion. Except for how it's impacting the kids our difference of opinion about that day are irrelevant.

This is a mess that won't soon be resolved. I have a session with the kids Monday.

What should I say?


"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
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Great job Sleeper. Personally I think this is most positive thing that has happened in your sitch. The fact that the two of you sat down together with a C is a very positive start - even if you just agree to disagree. It's a beginning hopefully to a better co-parenting arrangement.

When you meet with your kids DO NOT bad mouth your ex. Assure them that you both love them and want the very best for them and are working hard at making that happen. Talk with the C if necessary before you even have the session with the kids to see what advice they can give you about how to approach everything with them. Best of luck.

BA

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I have tried to be "low key" with the kids in all this. Dear son performed in a play for his drama class this past week. I took the day off to see the performance. Much to my surprise and pride my son had the male lead role in the play. Then just now I received an email from DD's school. I immediately opened it to learn she was chosen "Freshman Sweetheart" at her organization's dance. I wasn't told about the dance or her being chosen for this honor until after the fact.
Has it come to this? Do my children not want me to be any part of their lives or do they expect I know what is going on in their lives through my X's wall of non information? X said she is so upset because I had her arrested that she cannot bring herself to communicate with me (I'm expected to find things out on my own because I know where they go to school, etc.).
There is supposed to be a C session tomorrow afternoon with DS, DD and myself. I was expecting it to be rough, now I expect it to be
I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to say. I think I screwed up in my response to them when they finally communicated the last day of Thanksgiving Break that they could spend a morning with me (I had given up after multiple attempts initiated by me and had plans that morning).
I was thinking about dropping the charges against X but now I'm just numb and thinking of nothing.


"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13
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I was just going to say that Gineen! I do try to let my ex know about school stuff but I also know he doesn't always make it to their things. So I do try to get there myself.

Your relationship with your kids is yours to make or break. The relationship with your ex doesn't need to control that. When you go to the C tomorrow let them know that you want to be in their lives. That you have contacted the school so that you can be kept up to speed. Let them know that the issues between you and your ex are just that but they also have only heard one side of the story and that there are always two sides. Leave it at that. If they want to know more you can tell them.

Your kids are worth the effort, let them know that.

kat


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There is not much I can add to what Gineen & Kat have said. Your kids don't care about the Blame Game or who did what to who. They see what happens. They see the 2 most important adults in their lives behaving like children. Jot putting them first.

Move fwd from here. Commit to them. Follow up your words with actions. Let the courts deal with her - you do what you have to do for your children and fix the relationships the best you can. Is there anything more important?

Let go of the past. Move fwd from this day on.

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You're heaping all kinds of blame and guilt on yourself. Let your XW take the responsibility for her actions. Now, you can't "make" her but if you make sure you don't react but stay positive, you'll be living your 'dream', not theirs.

You cannot undo the past events. But you can influence future ones.

Stay calm.


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Great advice Frank, at any time she could have left when the police officer instructed her to do so. Own your part and only your part.

Now it's time to focus on building a better relationship with your kids. Even in that arena you cannot control what they think, it may take a while but the truth will come out and the X will be found out if you just stay true to who you are. Unconditional love is tough at times...


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
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I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face with the case against your XW. I think you proved your point already.

Your sitch sounds ridiculously hard, but if you focus all the positive energy you can on your kids, you'll be doing the best you can.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Thanks, everyone.

I am frustrated that often I learn of my children's events/activities/awards AFTER the fact. X refuses to communicate now (was not effecient about it before) abs basically says its my problem to find out what's going on with kids.

Advina, I am considering dropping the charges against X for a variety of reasons, the primary being even the possibility of improvement of the relationship my children and I have. X is fighting the charge strenuously and holds the position she can get the arrest "expunged" from the record. Dropping the charge might even improve communications between us.


"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13
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