Hi, I have been reading through these posts and figured I might as well try and get some input.
So, my wife and I of 8 years 5 married, we have 2 kids one is 2 and the other 4. I made a lot of mistakes and and lost my wives trust/respect and she feels that I have never been into her. Hello I married you and had two kids with you. I know I have my issues and am currently going to individual counseling to work them out for myself.
My main question though is how do I handle my wife not even giving me my "last chance" I know she has given me chances before and I went back to past behaviors. I know this time it is different and I want to change myself and our marriage. I had dumb man brain before and took advantage of the situation, I became complacent. I never thought it would ever come to this. I am so deeply hurt by the hurt that I have caused her. I can only imagine how she feels. I just want to embrace her and be the man I know I am and can be. No history of abuse, drugs, alcohol, etc. Although I am understanding that my porn use was not right and looking to get help with that.
It is crazy how how much introspection you have when your foundation is rocked. What really makes me fall to pieces is the fact that I know I didn't make the proper choices and caused my wife to not trust me, etc. I just wish she would see or give me the opportunity to prove to her and myself and my family that nothing else in this world matters to me as much as my wife and kids. I don't feel like I am changing myself I feel like I am making the bad parts about me better. Being the man and husband she deserves and the person I want and need to be.
She doesn't believe that I can make these changes because of past promises, so I understand that but I also have never been awoken to the full impact of my actions. I want to make our marriage better than ever and come out on the other side more loving with one another, trusting, and overall happier. I am now understanding and learning the tools to make these things a reality instead of just talk.
It is really hard because she says she is done and even if I make my changes she doesn't know if she can make herself turn around about how she feels. I feel like if I show her the husband I should of been being to her her feelings will turn around. I love her more than anything and want to wake up from this nightmare.
We are going on being separated for 2 weeks now. My life is not where I want it. I just want and need to make things better than they were before. Thanks for reading.
Hello, have you read DR? A lot of the info you seek is in there, read it before you say/ do anything else towards your W. Also read Sandi's 180 DB tips (sticky at top of forum) and live those tips!
Originally Posted By: ILoveMyWife!
It is really hard because she says she is done and even if I make my changes she doesn't know if she can make herself turn around about how she feels.
All WAS's say that. It's part of their script. They speak in absolutes, "always" and "never" become two of their favorite words. In DR and Sandi's tips you'll see it said not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
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I feel like if I show her the husband I should of been being to her her feelings will turn around.
And they might, but please understand you are at the beginning of a very long path. This is not going to turn around in days or weeks. It's going to be months and possibly years. It takes a lot of hard work. But in the process you will become a better person and eventually you will realize you are going to be fine whether you continue on in life with or without your spouse. Hopefully it'll be "with", that's the focus of DB'ing.
And they might, but please understand you are at the beginning of a very long path.
I am in 7 weeks in, and just getting to a point of actual conversation, and it's whip-sawing back and forth every day. Many here are 2-3 years into a journey, so take a deep breath, understand that it is a loooong and tedious process, and be prepared to man up many times over!
Thanks everyone. I have read the 37 tips numerous times. I have also been all over this and other forums. I feel like im dying a little each day. It is so hard because i never ever imagined myself here. It breaks my hear to be around my kids without my family intact. I know its going to be a rough and long road. I just dont like the pain i caused. Knowing i can make it better makes it even worse because i am so capable and willing.
Have patience and remember slow is fast and fast is slow.
You will not be able to TELL her that you are changing she will have to SEE you changing. So do not speak words, but DO the actions every day that will show your change. And keep at it every day, every. single. day.
You are truly remorseful, I can see that in your post, so you will come out of this for the better. Patience is key.
Keep calm and carry on.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
The people here are not a bunch of trained counselors who will spout "fix it" stuff to you. We have all been where you are, we have suffered like you are suffering. So when we tell you that it DOES get better, we're not just blowing smoke up your skirt, we've already lived through it and not just survived, but thrived. Hang in there, and know that it is OK and NORMAL to feel the pain you're feeling. Don't fight it or push it away. Feel it, let it happen, cry if you need to cry.
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It is so hard because i never ever imagined myself here.
Few of us did, most of us thought our M's were on solid footing. Many here (including me) even had "model" marriages that others were jealous of! But things aren't always as they appear, even to one of the two spouses in a M.
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It breaks my hear to be around my kids without my family intact.
It's important to remember that while you're suffering, your kids are too and you have got to put on a strong, confident face for them. If you need to cry do so into a pillow in your room with the door locked. Get it out, then walk out boldly and be a model parent to your kids. Be their rock.
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Knowing i can make it better makes it even worse because i am so capable and willing.
Channel that energy into making yourself "the spouse only a fool would leave". Be the best dad and person that you can possibly be. Eventually you'll get past the pain and sieze this as a growth opportunity. That probably sounds really improbable now, but believe me, I was beat down, ruined and worthless when I got here and now I'm stronger, happier and more confident than I've been in many years. And you will be too! Just give yourself time.
