So it appears that our "Who's buying this round Part 5" thread has locked so I've started Part 6 with something that has been on my mind lately. Since my last relationship ended about 4 months ago, it seems I have been doing the dating merry-go-round with lots of first and second dates and even a couple of 3rd/4th dates before parting ways. Many of the women that I have dated have been very nice ladies but for one reason or another they were not a good fit, well except for one but someone else was a better fit for her. So lately I've started wondering if maybe I was being unrealistically picky.
I do have some very specific things I am looking for in a potential date but I don't know if they rise to the level of picky. Personality wise, I am attracted to women who are confident of themselves, have a positive perspective on life and are comfortable with themselves. I don't want them to be an alpha, but if they lack confidence or are pessimistic than it is an issue for me. Appearance wise, while a woman doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous (it doesn't hurt but it's not a requirement) they do need to be somewhat attractive. I mean that often provides the initial interest and spark doesn't it? Plus I am a pretty fit guy and I am attracted to fit women. Does that make me shallow? I hope not.
So I don't think I am being picky, but because I am 0 for 2 in the long range life relationships, I think I am more adamant about not settling this time - and perhaps not settling is taking on the appearance of being picky. I would appreciate input from the board on this, especially since I have been out with about 10 different women over the last 4 months and only 1 has really hit the mark for me.
As for the latest in my dating world, I have a somewhat busy week ahead. Tomorrow I meeting Ingrid for the first time. From her pictures she hits the mark on the appearance checklist. Hopefully personality wise she hits the mark as well - she is a doctor so I am making somewhat of an assumption that she is confident of herself. She has kids that are about the same age as mine, a little younger but not much, which puts us in the same stage of life - although she is a few years younger than me. Thursday night I have a second date with Vicky. While date one did not strike a home run with me, it wasn't a bomb and I don't think you can always get a total feel for these things in one outing. Plus she seems to really like me. Friday night is another first date with Valerie - we have been trying to set this up for more than a week and finally have our schedules lined up. From her profile she seems very outgoing, which is a plus, she is cute and petite. I will spend the weekend recovering!
I would appreciate input from the board on this, especially since I have been out with about 10 different women over the last 4 months and only 1 has really hit the mark for me.
I think one out of ten is not a bad hit rate. And the fact that she had a previous boyfriend who showed back up once you appeared is not really a reflection on you.
I WOULD suggest not being overly restrictive with your criteria (but you seem to be getting plenty of dates, so I don't imagine you are). The guy I am dating right now is, on paper, the worst match for me of the guys I have dated post-divorce - but in reality, he's the best fit. I'm glad I didn't rule him out.
BA, You might as well have written my dating story. I don't think we're being picky, just "specific" and what's wrong with that? At this stage of our lives we know ourselves well and what we want in a partner/relationship. Why would we settle?
I've gone through the same challenges as you; just a gender reversal. What I always say is that I don't expect anyone to be something I'm not. You are attracted to what you are attracted to and why is that shallow? Like you, I'm really fit (do ALL the conditioning for my football players), love all sports and play golf every chance I get. The last thing that would work is a Santa Claus who sits on the couch. And, I think it's only reasonable we need to be physically attracted to our partner; whatever that means to each of us.
Dating gets exhausting and sometimes it's easy to think there's something wrong with us, or we're being too picky. I don't think so and I don't think we own that. We just sit back and enjoy life and see who shows up. Besides, there seems to be no shortage of women interested in you!
As for me, I've decided to be 'on the bench' as my good friend (now married) once said. It was a fun summer, but I need some down time. My latest was fun, but can't be what I need. I'm looking for my equal, not someone I potentially would need to take care of.
Final thoughts: Everything happens as it should in due time. Patience is of the essence in this journey and there's no set time frame.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
So glad you started the next community thread. It's fitting, since you're the dating maven here.
Sigh. I don't think you're being picky and neither you nor GG should feel the need to settle. But wait. Are we talking simple dating or long term relationships?
Right after my divorce was final, I had a session with my psychic/medium friend for a little nudge. He told me that trying to save my marriage for so long kind of pulled me a little off kilter and I got used to accepting the crumbs from my XH's table and kind of taking a hit in the self esteem department. Basically, I moved my bar by tolerating behavior that I wouldn't have done before I got married. It took me a really long time to accept that statement for the truth that it was. He suggested when I date, to practice noticing red flags and to stop giving others that I don't even know the benefit of the doubt. In fact, he told me to practice dumping guys. (I went back and retread this stuff a few weeks ago and it kind of shocked me.)
So I'm going to pass this your way.
Go ahead and be picky past that second date. You're not crazy and you've definitely shown that you are open to possibilities. Why feel bad about it?
I'm kind of laughing at the names of your dates this week. Let's just say I'm really partial to 2 of those names. REALLy partial.
What I miss is sleeping with a guy who is my best friend. I'll know that guy when he walks in my path. And so will you and GG. Maybe we're just looking too hard? Trying too hard? Maybe we subconsciously want the peg to be round so it can go in the round hole?
All I know here is I kinda don't want to date right now. D16 starts cheer and the first football game is next Thursday. D19 started volleyball season and I'm getting back into the swing of things there. I'm starting my side job this week, and I just don't want to put any more effort outside of what I have and love. If a special person comes along, I'll gladly make the room for him. But I'll leave that up to the guy upstairs to arrange.
BA, you're a really good guy. You shouldn't have to settle. Period. GG, you either.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
GG, I thought you were seeing the guy from the car dealership? It sounded good last I read. What did I miss? BA, there's nothing picky about taking your time. In doing what you're doing you found someone you really liked but fate didn't side with you this time. Next time it just might
I had a session with my psychic/medium friend for a little nudge. He told me that trying to save my marriage for so long kind of pulled me a little off kilter and I got used to accepting the crumbs from my XH's table and kind of taking a hit in the self esteem department. Basically, I moved my bar by tolerating behavior that I wouldn't have done before I got married.
Ah, Bets, I can relate to this! And now that I'm dating a guy who treats me like a princess, I have to work to get out of my old "I can tough it out on my own" mindset and let him take care of me.
I think when we got married the first time, we didn't have a clue what we really wanted or deserved. Now having gone through double hockey sticks and back, we have learned a bit more about ourselves.
Have you ever looked at celebs and figured out their issues? Look at Jennifer Lopez. This girl has no clue how to go through life without a man on her arm. She keeps going from one bad relationship to another because she doesn't stop and take a look at herself, by herself. Money doesn't really get you everything does it? Looks don't cut it either. I kind of feel sorry for her.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks for the validation everyone. I don't like to think of myself as being shallow and really do try to keep an open mind, there just are certain things both looks and personality wise that I am really attracted to and for whatever reason it seems, at least to me, that it has been hard to find someone who has both. However I guess it's not supposed to be easy. Having one but not the other is not an option either. If I was just into looks I would have stayed with dating Jan who was a very beautiful woman, however she was obviously someone who did not play nice with others and was very judgemental. On the other hand, Brenda who was just as sweet and kind as could but as far as physical chemistry it just wasn't there.
So with that the search goes on - the positive part is I am getting to meet lots of new people! I'm cautiously optimistic about tonight's date with Ingrid. We have talked on the phone and shared a couple of emails back and forth. The interaction has been nice and positive, she is attractive and accomplished career wise.
I think KML is right. Don't discount anyone who may not fit your criteria on paper. I'm dating someone who on paper I wouldn't have even thought of dating. But here I am having fun and a pretty good R. So let your guard down and have fun that's what it's all about. Good luck
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
BA, I think you are going to end up with someone you never met on a dating site. It might be someone you strike up a conversation with on a plane, or in a line to a movie. She isn't going to be your " model" girl. She is going to totally take you by surprise. She will be a work in progress that is comfortable improving herself for herself. Until you meet her, have fun for funs sake.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
