Like your new friend, melissaag, we agree that you should post in Newcomers, our forum that our vets (long-time divorce busting members that are very familiar with Michele's works, are very familiar with midlife crisis angst and solutions, and/or also very familiar with the issue related to infidelity in marriage, and the related nuances for solutions.
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Unfortunately, I am new here. My wife and I are not yet separated or even talking about divorce. I am thinking about it, due to intimacy issues, but I am trying this first. I read SSM recently and I realized I am the high-sexed partner in my marriage. Everything used to be normal between us and now it has all changed and I every time I bring up sex or intimacy I get spurned. But let me give you more background on my situation first.
I am 30 years old, and my wife is 28. I have been with my wife for 10 years. We dated for 3 years, we were engaged 5 years, and have been married 2 years. Our relationship has been long distance on several occasions due to school and work, and I lived with her for about 2 years before we were married. We have only lived together as married couple for about 6 months. This is when the trouble started.
We got married when she was in her last year of law school. At the time I was working in New York and she was going to school in Washington. We talked everyday by phone, and were intimate over the phone, and talked about everything during the 3 years she was away. I would visit every 3 to 4 months. Out of law school she was offered a job in Colorado and she took it. It took me about a year to get my work to let me telecommute.
During that time I noticed the phone calls got less intimate. And she lost whatever sex drive she had. I saw her four times before I moved in and every time our encounters became less and less intimate. The last two times I think she had sex with me just to pacify me. I would say we haven't made love in over a year.
I moved in with her in August and we have not had any sex what so ever. We haven't made out. She won't let me touch her other than on her hands, or feet or hair. I can't french kiss her or do more than kiss her a few times on the lips. If I try to touch her legs or midriff she moves my hand or tells me to stop. I have only seen her naked in the shower, and she won't change in front of me. In bed she uses her own blanket and uses it as a barrier against me. If I try to cuddle she complains or moves my arm or leg.
I have tried to be patient, but I am really starting to fray around the edges. I have asked her to read SSM recently, but any time I bring up the topic of intimacy she just dismisses it as me just wanting to get in her pants. When to tell the truth and as I have told her I just want to cuddle.
As far as I go, I know she is in love with me still I see it in her eyes. I just have no way to connect to her other than mentally and it is driving me crazy. I was good for about a month after I read SSM, but recently I have once again started to toss and turn and can't sleep in the same bed anymore. I have to go to the living room and watch a movie or play a video game just to not think about it so I can settle my mind and maybe get a few hours of sleep.
I know she has it rough since she failed her bar exam and has put on a few pounds (e.g. 10 pounds is noticeable on her since she is petite), and works long hours, but all I want is to feel the connection we used to have. I have heard all these things from her lips and I think this is what is causing her issues, but I don't bring them up because I don't want to fight. It seems like she lacks confidence.
On my end I know I have acted angry and blown up and acted passive or dismissive. After I read SSM I have tried to stop these actions, but it doesn't seem to have had much effect.
Any advice would be appreciated.
______________________________________ M 30 W 28 Married 2 years
I am sorry you have found yourself here, however I am glad you found SSM. The next step would be to talk to a SSM DB coach. Your coach will help you come up with a specific plan on how to stay on track and not only change how you interact with your partner in intimate situations, but on a daily basis that can bring the two of you closer and not further away. Take care and I would look forward to talking to you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 email@example.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting« Coach.
I'll try to keep it brief! I've been lurking for a while but thought it was time to join in.
First BD, when I found out about the EA was Aug 2012. I finally realised that I had to work on my own personal issues that had been affecting both myself and our marriage. H and I tried MC but he decided not to go after two sessions. I continued seeing the therapist for my issues only. I felt I couldn't work on the marriage until I was 'sorted'.
Second BD was December 2012. ILYBINILWY!!! And the usual follows, rapid weight loss, upside down, inside out emotions, but I refused to throw H out. I told him it was his decision to make, I wasn't going to make it for him. He continued to live at home, often saying he was leaving, until Sept 2013. The EA affair has fizzled out because the OW has backed off. I think it was more on his side than hers.
After doing a lot of reading I came across MLC, and a lot of it seems to fit H. I have continued to work on and mostly overcome my issues and it has opened up a whole new world to me. I am slowly GALing, and doing stuff I never dreamed I could do.
My main obstacle, drama, call it what you want, is that H and I run a business together. We have a lot of contact via phone and on actual jobs together. At times this is VERY difficult. It is just not possible for either of us to get out of the business for another couple of years. We both admit we work well together too.
H was given the (edited) book recently. He has read it and says he agrees with it and that he has HAD a MLC, and now the issue is that I have been pushing him away and not showing affection for years. I will admit that the past couple of years I have been pushing him away somewhat, mostly in response to his mood swings and depressed state, but I don't think it's been for years like he says. We have talked over past issues and both agree that rehashing it isn't getting us anywhere and we try not to bring past issues up anymore.
And to now, I'm continuing to GAL, have recently signed up to do a diploma course (gulp, study!!!!!), and I am affectionate to H when I see him. I try not to mention our relationship too often, he does bring it up as well though. He recently told good friends of ours who know the whole situation that he was going to move back home, but he continues to tell me that he isn't ever moving back. He doesn't believe that I have changed because I want to, he thinks its because I feel I have to so he will come back.
And I was trying to keep it brief!...........
Last edited by Virginia; 12/10/1312:18 PM.
Me 50 H 52 3xDD's in their 20's 1BD. Aug '12 2BD. Dec '12 Left home Sept 13 Work in own business together, almost daily contact.
As you said, hard to keep things brief when there's so much to sort out. Working with your spouse both literally and fuguratively during these difficult times is no small feat. As you say, as business partners your interaction is essential. I strongly encourage you to seek the help of a Divorce Busting Coach. DB Coaches can help you focus on partnership goals. As you mentioned, you are both tired of rehashing the past and getting no where. Please call us to start learning how to say and do things differently. Positive change is on the way. 303-444-7004
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
I am struggling to maintain detachment as my wife still lives with me but stated she 'feels disconnected from the marriage and it is over'. I started a post already, big susprise that, following instructions!
so I have been posting in MLC board, but it was recommended that I jump over here for a while'
I thought I would play with fire today instead of doing my usual keeping dark. she has been making more contact, almost daily just small talk really. but she has been calling me by my name more and using the pet name "love" more often when she addresses me, so I thought I would experiment and see if she would respond to a little flirt. just a corny little flirt "have i told you your smile melts my heart" see told you it was corny but I will see
Me 37, she 41, T 10.5 M 7.5 56 days ago bomb. I had jealousy in the early years, worked through it. I have done some stupid things while drinking and 56 days ago too. She says she is done. Live together, 2 step kids, 1 grand kid. We can not live separately ($$) until we sell the house. It's good days and bad days. Sleep together, no sex (I wish), she has not filed. I've been following do's/don'ts. Last night her co. Christmas party. Started 5P she came home 2A. Neither would cheat and she says she doesn't want anyone else, she wants to D for her. I was extremely upset with this 8 hours at the bar. I let feelings get the best of me. Need help I am tired of this and tired of hurting. I told her I would let her go with the hopes of her coming back but it is very difficult. Ordered Divorce Remedy today. Any advice is much appreciated!!!
I dont know the questions never mind the answers
#2415346 12/17/1309:38 AM12/17/1309:38 AM
I will try to keep history brief, hope it doesn't sound too cold!
Me(44), H(46), T(16) M(13)
Looking back our issues began some time ago. His parents died unexpectedly in 2007 and 2008 (he didn't appear to fully grieve at the time although he was v close to them). At same time we had big problems with behaviour of my teenage son (H's SS) and H starts his own business. H has various online EAs in 2009 and a PA in 2010 - totally out of character. He ended all these when discovered and confronted. We have had several quieter years since but resentment has simmered away both ways. We've had a rubbish year learning that a dear friend is terminally ill and ongoing business worries. In Oct H told me he didn't know how he felt about me, doesn't love me in the way he should and doesn't respect me. Almost all the issues he cited were around how we dealt with the stuff above. Plus he has implied that I don't do anything to make myself happy but have been relying on him and that I am somewhat boring and homely. I feel this is a valid assessment. When I said I agreed and would work on this he said it was 'too little too late'. He left in mid-Nov.
He pops in maybe three times a week to see the younger children and I try to look my best and be upbeat. I have stopped trying to reason and give my support to the S. He says he feels relieved being apart which I have validated. We've had no R talk for several weeks. He speaks to me respectfully, even warmly at times but his eyes look sad. He has a lot of business worries presently and we are continuing to work together. (Should we continue to do this?) He talks about a future but it does seem to be all about the business not the M.
I am shell-shocked to say the least. What I really don't understand is how he can appear to be so final without giving us a chance to work things through. He said he has 'tried everything' but this didn't include involving me or going to MC (which he refused to do).
Some of this strikes me as being MLC sounding stuff but if so why the calmer interlude of 2010-13?
I feel so desperately sad that the man I love has become so unhappy right under my nose and I didn't realise it. I kick myself for not having listened better.
Sorry for rambling.... I would really appreciate any input.