Just read Lostforwords's list of LBS stages and answered my own question. LBS and MLC are very similar, so many of the stages I'm going through appear also in MLC. Hence my confusion.
And it doesn't really matter which one I "am"--what matters is that I do the work to come out stronger on the other side.
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
The "Lighthouse Story" indicates that I should NOT have allowed the OW to meet my kids: "Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them."
By allowing my husband to "introduce" the OW to the kids two weeks ago, have I made a terrible mistake? She is NOT part of their lives, and I will NOT allow her to be. But, they have met. Occasionally, now, she is there in his house when they are with him--she no longer has to run and hide in the backyard when they stop by to get something (H and I live two blocks apart and are sharing custody close to 50/50).
My logic in calmly allowing them to meet her was to put an end to the "secrecy" of the relationship--I was hoping the thrill will fade away faster if she's no longer being hidden. H liked the secrecy, found it exciting. Now she's just a regular woman.
I have set some boundaries. I have insisted that he never leave them alone with her, that they never act "in love" or in any way sexual around them, and that they never go out to dinner, etc., like a family.
I have been assured (by both H and OW) that she is not "trying to take my place." She really is just a good-time girl with nothing better to do than hang around his house almost all the time. She is not looking to parent D (13) and S (11). That would be far more than she could handle.
What's your opinion?
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
There is no definitive test for a MLC and what you do doesn't really change. In truth, all the things you do, you should be doing for yourself. If there were problems in the marriage, then fix them. It will improve the relationship between you and your H.
About meeting with your H, suggesting a change a venue seems like a good idea. Let him initiate the meeting, but you suggest a different place. It will change the dynamics of the meeting.
I have set some boundaries. I have insisted that he never leave them alone with her, that they never act "in love" or in any way sexual around them, and that they never go out to dinner, etc., like a family.
You can ask for these boundaries but their is no guarantee that he will do them. And what are you going to do if they are broken?
Normally boudaries need to be something you can enforce.
Like if you continue to have a relationship with the OW I can not longer have a relationship with you.
FastCars, thanks. He hasn't asked for a meeting lately, but if he does, I think I'll request a change of venue.
Cadet, I do see the difference. A boundary has to be something I can enforce. I get that. My so-called "boundaries" about the OW are essentially unenforceable, since the only way to enforce them is to refuse him access to the kids unless he follows them . . . and I don't think that would be the right thing to do. That would be blackmail.
All I can do is ask nicely and hope he will comply. But I have no Big Gun waiting if he refuses. He sees nothing wrong with "hanging out" with the OW while the kids are there. I find this mind-blowing. If the roles were reversed, I would never do that.
So what IS my Big Gun? What boundaries CAN I set and enforce? Because we have kids, I can't NOT have a relationship with my H. I can't make "if you continue to have a relationship with the OW I can no longer have a relationship with you" a boundary, in my case.
Because of the OW, of course, I HAVE ceased having a romantic or sexual relationship with him. That was a no-brainer. And, honestly, the friendship is a bit shaky, as well. But I can't cut him out of my life entirely, no matter what he does.
I'm still stuck, though. Is there any legitimate way I can stop him from having the OW over when then kids are with him??? I feel like it's soooo damaging for them to see him with her. Am I wrong??? Is this just jealously speaking?
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
Yesterday H and I talked on the phone, briefly, about my requests regarding the OW not being around the kids. She's got all kinds of problems, medical and financial, and he's got himself in a situation where he is "taking care" of her in all sorts of ways (that he never took care of me in such ways goes without saying).
He seemed willing to grant my requests when possible, and I was willing to accept occasional exceptions when necessary. So, I guess that's good.
I held myself together and only got choked up a couple of times. Pulled myself together and kept talking. Talking to him always makes me cry. I would like that to stop.
I have asked him to work with the OW to create next month's childcare schedule so that they can "synchronize" their parenting days (i.e. arrange it so he has his kids when she has hers). Hopefully that approach will solve the problem, because they will be parenting on the same dates--and they won't be together.
She sees her kid way less frequently than he WANTS to see his. He wants 50/50. She's got about 20/80.
He is taking the OW to a ballgame tomorrow, and she is taking him to a family event on Sunday. This is occurring during one of "his" weekends with our kids, which bothers me quite a bit. They will be at his house alone while he's gone off with her. But at least he's not taking our kids AND her to these events. I've told the kids they are welcome to come over to my place if they get lonely. They know where I live, and it's an easy walk from my H's place.
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
A thought this morning: a large part of the problem in our M was that I am a straight-laced responsibility-holic who tends to be judgmental (I am the classic Good Girl). While at first I believe he was drawn to this (he wanted to become a "better person"), he came to resent it and was sick of feeling bad for never living up to my expectations.
Does that mean my best bet for a 180 is to become free-wheeling and non-judgmental, and to accept all the things he does that I ordinarily wouldn't approve of? Specifically, should I just let him do whatever he wants to do with the OW, and not care?
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
