I'm new to the forums and facing a crisis. My H and I have been separated for 4 months. I'm generally doing okay with GAL and doing my best to move on with life without him. I had the kids all last week through this weekend, and we've had a great time together, but I just dropped them off at his place. He is introducing them to the OW today (with my grudging permission, and theirs--he's been in a relationship with her for almost a year now, although I only found out 7 months ago). Even though none of these feelings are new to me, and I know they will pass, right now my heart is just breaking. I'm sitting alone in my house, weeping over the loss . . . not just of the kids (who will be back in a day or two, of course) but of him. It just feels so final, even though neither of us has filed for D and I've told him I don't want one. When will this stop hurting? Is him introducing the OW to our kids some kind of Terrible Sign that I should stop hoping?
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
And don't imagine too much about what's going on - I'm guessing a 13 y.o. daughter could be pretty darn snarky when being introduced to an OW. Why not imagine OW having a terrible time?
I am so sorry. I know how hurtful this is for you.
First of all, there is always hope. You have to decide if you are up to taking this journey.
I will tell you that it is hard. But, it is also one of the most rewarding things you will ever do if you are willing to do the work.
Here's the thing. Dbing is really about saving you and sometimes it saves marriages. I believe it is the best shot at doing that.
I know the thought of the ow is tough. But if you give her headspace, she gets the power. Take the power back.
So, when you feel up to it, start to think about some things that you would like to change about you, for you. Think about some things you always wanted to do or try.
Your h is on his own journey and it is best for you to let him walk it.
And you walk yours. So, let's not worry about her right now.
He has not spoken about divorce. That is a good thing.
Can you think of some things that he has expressed about his unhappiness in the marriage? Look at them and see which ones has merit.
When you see him, show him someone positive. Keep your interactions brief and upbeat.
Thank you all for the advice! Cadet, I will get busy reading my homework today.
I finished DB yesterday and found a lot there to work with--I took pages of notes. I'm reading DR now, and have stopped at the MLC section (which seems very pertinent)--am reading that over and over again.
I am working on myself, trying new things, getting back to old favorite things, and meanwhile trying to let him go through this process at his own pace without pressuring him or trying to control him. My love for him is still strong, and I am trying to keep hope going, even though things look SO bad.
kml, the OW actually texted me after meeting the kids this week and asked me to have lunch or coffee with her. When I declined, she said she just wanted to tell me she's not trying to take my place, that my kids are great, and that I'm a good mother. I guess that's good, but it was VERY strange. It made me feel just the opposite: that she IS trying to take my place. Why would she say such things, otherwise? I have friends. I don't need another one, and especially not her. Her efforts felt manipulative, so I didn't take the bait. But I still gave her too much of my mental energy.
And uRworthy, this is golden: "But if you give her headspace, she gets the power. Take the power back." I've can see now that I've given her far too much space inside my head. I am taking that back.
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
The kids apparently handled meeting the OW very well. They were polite and pleasant, but (unlike me) they are not people-pleasers. They don't need her to like them, and they know it. They are just being themselves and living their lives. That's good advice for me, as well.
I am generally very good about keeping my distance and letting him walk his journey alone. Our typical communication involves very rare and businesslike texts and emails about the kids.
But now and then he tells me "we need to talk." It's usually about the kids--usually he thinks I've told them something I shouldn't have told them. He doesn't like that I've told them the following: your father is having an affair; having an affair while still married is not a good thing to do; I have asked your father to stop the affair so we can work on our marriage, and he has refused to do so. Our most recent conversation was about the last item--he thinks these pieces of information make him "look bad" in the children's eyes. I suppose he wants to defend himself and come out looking like the good guy again, despite what's happening to our family.
Whenever my H and I talk privately and in person, as we did the other night, I fail miserably to keep things brief and upbeat. We usually end up talking for 2-3 hours. I start out fine, but inevitably I cry and offload all sorts of feelings on him. He sits there and takes it, but I know it's not helping matters. Stopping this is my #1 short-term goal.
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
uRworthy, you are right that some of his complaints about his unhappiness in the marriage do have merit. I didn't show him enough affection, generally, and I was resentful of his frequent overnight absences from home (for work). After 14 years of this (me at home with kids every day, him out traveling for work), I turned into a miserable, scolding drudge. I greeted him at the door with a laundry list of resentments--I had a sense of "deficit" that he needed to pay back--instead of the warmth and love and acceptance that he needed from me. I was waiting for him to WANT to change for me, because he could see how unhappy I was, but I wasn't willing to change for him.
I know now (from reading DB/DR) that I could have done a 180 and simply put my resentment aside, welcomed him home, and made everything better all by myself. This is my greatest regret--that I didn't realize I could do this until he'd already found the OW, who is kid-free and travels around with him everywhere now. She is never resentful of his absences, and she never will be. He has no responsibilities toward her at all. She is just "fun to be around"--his words.
I have addressed these issues with him in the past. Actually, only about 5 months ago, I begged for a chance to show him I can change, now that I know what to do, if only he'd only let me try. But he wouldn't get rid of the OW. And with the OW around, I don't have an opportunity to show him what I can do.
But you're right that I can work on some of these things without him--like letting go of resentment, appreciating how lucky I am to NOT have to travel for work so that I CAN be here for my kids every single day, and learning to detach from negative emotions so that I can give love freely when I'm with the people I love. And even if he never comes back, I will be a better person for those changes.
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
Quick question: how can you tell for sure that your H is in MLC, and not just a jerk who's sick of being married to you?
All I've read about MLC seems to fit my H to a tee. When I read about the techniques for surviving your spouse's MLC, I feel relief and clarity. And I believe I am strong enough to wait it out. In other words, MLC just FEELS like the right approach to take.
But I can't help but think--what if I'm wrong? What if it's not MLC? What if what I interpret as MLC is actually his permanent, new self? What if he just wants me out of his life?
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
Opinion needed: would it be a bad idea for me to suggest we meet for coffee once a week, in a public place, to catch up on each other's lives? The "in public" would help me keep the conversation brief and upbeat.
We already talk about once a week (he initiates), but always in private, and I always lose it and start crying and saying things I shouldn't say.
Maybe the next time he initiates a meeting, I could suggest we meet somewhere in public, and not in my backyard?
I miss him and want to see him. I am concerned about being "put out to pasture" while I wait for his MLC to run its course. I want to remain a part of his life, an interesting and upbeat friend who is a great listener.
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
I think maybe H and I are both in MLC (though mine is far less dramatic and doesn't involve an A).
We both have childhood issues that seem to fit the profile.
Even though H was the one who started an A, I was the one who moved out after the bomb. I felt very strongly that I needed to run away from him, start my own life away from him. I haven't been able to call myself LBS, as a result.
What's the prognosis when there is no "sane spouse"??
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
