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trueblue - very similar circumstances with me, except no specific OM in my case (EA awhile ago). I actually asked my W to take a week and think about it to be VERY sure that this is what she wants.

Quote:
She has a lot of thinking to do, how much more?

Is there really a way to quantify this? Or do you mean her thinking about your relationship?
You all are going to be thinking for a very long time. Talk to NTX_Dad - they spent like 2 years working through everything!

Quote:
Loving me is not enough, she has to want to be `in-love' with me again

Agree with AS, let her decide that. You can't demand a "feeling". My W told me a week ago ILYBINILWY. This week, she said that was a cop-out/lie, and she just was trying to protect herself.

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I will not go back for the sake of Step-son or her money issues

Yep, said the same thing to my W. I've raised my step-kids 90% of the time for almost 3 years

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I will not entertain a relationship while OM is on the scene in any way.

I think that's more than fair, and I'm glad you were clear on it. What boundaries apply? No communication at all? As AS says, will you require access to phone, email, etc? Does she need to check in with you if she's gone at night?

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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I've read a lot of piecing stories here and this is how it does often happen, the WAS seemingly overnight goes "all in" with wanting to work on the M. It happens almost as fast as BD does.


This is what my W did and it is really weird. AS has great points in his post.


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
UrWorthy
jp787 #2397592 10/25/13 05:36 PM
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Thanks Jon / jp,

More valuable comments.

I think you are right about thinking for a long time. Even deeper this week since the `news'that it may not be over. Through my GAL I met a girl who I am very attracted to, in fact we had a night out scheduled tomorrow which obviously will be cancelled if all goes well tonight.

I won't demand that `in love with you' line again, I maybe nade a mistake saying it earlier, but I;ll take the odd mistake if it all works out.

OM has to be off the scene completely, no contact at all, I have mentioned total openess between us, including phones & facebook, I will bring that up again if the conversation leads that way. Whenever I was away with work we used to speak at 9pm every night, the only time she is away is if on a night out with her friend, she only started to stay out just before the affair became apparent.

Well....1 hour to go, I'll update asap

Thanks All


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
Left Marital home Jul 13
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Well, update time!

A pleasant 2 hour talk, nearly all relationship based & led by WAW.The main points:

She met step daughter also yesterday (before me) & told her she was meeting me, I think this was a big step for her, would she have told her if she really wasnt thinking seriously about this? Maybe she just needed to get her approval. Step daughter & step-son both blame WAW for having affair & booting me out.

Long conversations about `trust' , from both angles, she always thought i was having an affair (I wasnt but led her to maybe keep thinking that, I know I was an idiot) also about openness in future including access to each others mobiles etc IF we get back together.

The OM has been told to give her space to think but she has not cut him off yet & he is chasing & pleading (she was honest about that I think) For me this is the only way for us to move forward, there cannot be weeks & weeks of talks while she is still seeing him, if she wants him she should stay with him & not offer me false hopes, I have been clear about that. I am also careful not to back her into a corner either, bit of a balancing act.

Her txts to me after the meeting:
`Thankyou' xxx

`I dont want to get hurt by you again, You know what i want but I need to keep telling myself that i trust you have changed' xxx

(my reply: I dont want to hurt you but if you are worried that i will hurt you it means you've got big reservations)

`I havent got big reservations, its something I have to get my head to work through if that makes sense?' xxx


So there we go....next instalment who knows!!! Need to tell the girl I was going out with tonight the truth now before that goes to far, i think that will hurt her which i hate but i have to be honest.

Thanks All


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
Left Marital home Jul 13
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Originally Posted By: trueblue1

`I dont want to get hurt by you again, You know what i want but I need to keep telling myself that i trust you have changed' xxx

(my reply: I dont want to hurt you but if you are worried that i will hurt you it means you've got big reservations)


Don't tell her what her feelings mean, that's for her to decide. You need to validate! A validating response would have been "I hear you saying you're afraid of being hurt again, I can understand why you feel that way. It's no doubt going to take some time for you to believe I've changed." Just repeat her feelings back to her and validate them. This isn't a DB'ing thing, it is a FOREVER thing. Always strive to validate :-)


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks AS,

You are correct, I think sometimes its too easy to get carried away with situation & want everything to happen too quickly. Major pointer on validating! Thats probably what has got me this far & really must try to ensure its forever, not just to try & get her back.

update wise:
Much higher frequency of txts & calls, all friendly. Met the girl last night (it would have been first night meet for a drink & chat) to be open & honest with her about the fact that WAW was having a rethink, I wanted to tell her face to face rather than phone call, really heavy, we hadnt even been on a date yet she seems to have pinned a future on us! She was very upset but better now than a few months down the line. I felt absolutely gutted too as really did not want to upset her, I didnt think she was in so deep when all we had done is share a few txts & calls. Another rollercoaster.

Thanks
Kev


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
Left Marital home Jul 13
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Originally Posted By: trueblue1
She was very upset but better now than a few months down the line. I felt absolutely gutted too as really did not want to upset her, I didnt think she was in so deep when all we had done is share a few txts & calls. Another rollercoaster.

Thanks
Kev


A lesson learned.


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Right?


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Hi Say,

Hope you are good.

A big lesson learned, & with hurt on both sides, think I GAL'd a bit too much but I had got to the stage of giving up on WAW.

Quick update:
Spoke on Sunday evening with WAW & too little validating & a little too forceful with my statement. I said that she is expecting too much if she expects me to continue moving forward with discussions about us getting back together if she is still in relationship with OM. This went down badly & controlling but in a way I'm pleased I said it. Although I really want to try again it just seems like cake-eating if she wants to talk deeply to me about the future & meet a couple of time a week (only to talk) yet still maintains the other relationship.
WAW has gone back to fairly quiet since that call on Sunday, especially after the frequency of calls etc last week.
I will not pursue, she has to work this out for herself. Still a rollercoaster, who knows!


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
Left Marital home Jul 13
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 49
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All,

very quiet week! My comments on Sunday night didnt go down too well.

WAW rang yesterday & dropped into coversation she had nor seen OM for a week (dont know if I believe but no point in worrying about it) then a longer call today. Unforunately WAW is facing financial difficulties & has to see mortgage company end of next week & asked if I would accompany her (I will, she needs support through this) she admits the only person she can talk too about these difficulties is me (has not told OM). Then she proceeded to ask my trouser size (ive lost weight) so that she can order my christmas presents wtf! I told her not to waste her money. Every christmas she has put aside designer clothes at her favourite shop & I buy them for her presents, guess what, she says she has been there today & put some aside. Absolutely no relationship talk which was good.

Confused yes, worried no, just sitting back & wondering what she is thinking!

have a good weekend.


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
Left Marital home Jul 13
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