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Hi LL,

Don't foresee any problem with it, ive been back once before & just did a big validating session. She wants some help with i-phone back up also so will take laptop there & sort (i still dont understand why OM doesnt do that stuff)

I'm quite chilled about it, seems like a development but maybe not, I dont read much into anything now, just go with the flow,

TB


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
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Originally Posted By: trueblue1

I'm quite chilled about it, seems like a development but maybe not, I dont read much into anything now, just go with the flow,

TB


This is a good frame of mind TB but I also see from your posts that you are still giving your W a lot of space in your mind.

It's only natural of course and I've been where your at.

Its easy for me to tell you that you are still mind reading too much and thinking about her or what she is doing, what does she mean when she say's this or that, why is she asking me to do this instead of OM, etc...

And that you need to do what you want to do and act how you wish without any thought of a reaction or lack of a reaction from her.

The detachment process is not linear and takes a long time.

Best


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Hi Say,

Well, big twist last night!!!

The help with i-phone etc was just an excuse for WAW to talk!!
She still loves me, shes sorry, OM has baggage & is not the answer, OM was a knee jerk reaction & she did it all too fast, step-son (16) is still upset daily over me not being there & is taking it out in WAW he even told OM he missed me!
She really looked tired & drained, probably a bad move but i told her she did!

So a 90 minute conversation full of more of my now almost professional validating! I ended up leaving & telling her:
She has a lot of thinking to do
Loving me is not enough, she has to want to be `in-love' with me again
I will not go back for the sake of Step-son or her money issues
I will not entertain a relationship while OM is on the scene in any way

So lets see what happens next, 4 months in & maybe she is coming out of the fog, I must say that GAL & 180's seem to have been the drivers of this latest situation.

Interesting times ahead

TB


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
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Wow, TB, that sounds very good. I like how clear how were on what you wanted. Keep at the GAL and 180s. Good work and good luck! Luke


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Thanks LL,

Good luck to you to

TB


Me 50
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Known each other 20yr
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Originally Posted By: trueblue1


OM was a knee jerk reaction & she did it all too fast,

TB


Ha ha, now I do believe I said the very same on page 2 of this thread.

Seriously TB1, the latest developments are encouraging but please, please, please don't get carried away and start to pressure your W too soon. Don't bring up any R talk and keep validating. Rushing things now could ruin everything you have achieved so far. ( I speak from experience!! )

Remember, you have the luxury of time.

Oh, and btw, Lanzarote.

FF999


Me 48
W 49
D19, S17, D14
Together 25yr, Married 22yr
Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10
W checked out Nov 10
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We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11

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Quick Updat,

WAW wants to meet me again tonight. I suggested neutral territory which she agreed to.

Last 2 days, 6 calls from her, 3 of which an hour long, maybe the fog has actually lifted.

I refuse to rush into this & will continue with:

She has a lot of thinking to do, how much more?
Loving me is not enough, she has to want to be `in-love' with me again
I will not go back for the sake of Step-son or her money issues
I will not entertain a relationship while OM is on the scene in any way.

Lets see what happens but it all seems to be coming to a head. She admitted her best friend told her everything she wanted to hear when she started affair.....now best friend is telling her to `follow her heart'!

Interesting times


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
Left Marital home Jul 13
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No Expectations TB


Me- 34 W-33
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Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

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Originally Posted By: trueblue1

Last 2 days, 6 calls from her, 3 of which an hour long, maybe the fog has actually lifted.


Fantastic! FYI, I've read a lot of piecing stories here and this is how it does often happen, the WAS seemingly overnight goes "all in" with wanting to work on the M. It happens almost as fast as BD does.

Quote:
She has a lot of thinking to do, how much more?


Forget the "thinking", if she's really committed then it's time to start rebuilding the relationship. This means dating and marriage counseling. Maybe some joint calls with a DB coach too. You're in the UK, I'm not sure if they have Retrouvaille there but if so I highly recommend it.

Quote:
Loving me is not enough, she has to want to be `in-love' with me again


DO NOT say that to her! Don't pressure her about that, it will come with time. If you start pushing on this too soon she may feel like something is wrong because she doesn't have those feelings yet. It takes a long time to get the "in love" feelings back again.

Quote:
I will not go back for the sake of Step-son or her money issues


Good boundary.

Quote:
I will not entertain a relationship while OM is on the scene in any way.


Absolutely, he has got to be totally out of the picture. She has to break it off with him in an overt way, such as a call that you are listening in on. She needs to allow you full access to her phone and email so you can confirm they're not in touch. You've lost your trust for her and she has to understand that SHE has to do the hard work required to regain your trust.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks Say & AS,

I continue to take you advice & comments on board fully & will bear them in mind tonight.

She does seem to want to go `all in' very quickly & wants to move forward. We dont have Retrouvaille in UK to my knowledge but I have digested a lot of `relationship' type books in the last 4 months & hopefully get to use some of that knowledge.

I will drop the `in love' stuff, just me trying to be really happy that she is sure about this. I have told her to wait a month, six months,a year, whatever, to ensure her decision is final & she is committed to us. I would rather she stay with OM until she is absolutely sure if necessary. And yes, OM must be totally gone & no looking back, Ive already stated this. She asked him for `space' on Monday, where have I heard that before lol! She did tell me he is 10 yrs younger than me, just said Im not interested in him.

Thanks Again All


Me 50
W 46
Stepson 16
Together 6yr, Married 3yr
Known each other 20yr
ILYBNILWY Jul 13
Found out about affair Jul 13
Left Marital home Jul 13
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