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A Message from Michele
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went2fast #2380098
08/27/13 07:17 PM
08/27/13 07:17 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
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shouldistillhope Offline OP
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shouldistillhope  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
Hi everyone,

I thought maybe it was time for me to move from the newcomers forum to this one since i am officially divorced. I am not exactly sure how to move my thread over here, but if anyone wants to catch up on my sitch, it is "Circles No More". If anyone wants to paste it here, it would be appreciated.

My divorce was supposed to be final on July 12 of this year, but because of some snags in the paperwork, it wasn't official until about 3 weeks ago. I got the final paperwork in the mail and i just threw it on the counter and never opened it.

It has been a difficult journey to this point as i am sure it has been for all of us, and my sitch really isn't a whole lot different that anyone else's. I have gone very dim. My XW has not initiated any contact with me unless it is in regards to the kids or bills that need to be paid. I keep waiting for her to come out of her "fog" but i know i cannot let my life revolve around the hope that she eventually will.

Here is what i am struggling with. One of the reasons for our divorce was she said she wanted to be taken care of. We had very poor communication and she always seemed to take the things i said out of context. My struggles revolve around the fact that i feel i should reach out to her somehow. From what i have read, this maybe isn't a good idea but there seems to be quite a few conflicting ideas and approaches that i thought i would seek more advice.

One of the last things she said to me before we divorced was if she see's true change then we could possibly start dating again. So aside from the fact that i have gone as dark as possible, wouldn't she just see that as more of the same?

But the fact of the matter is, she divorced me. Yes, i can honestly say that i have caused my part in the failing of our marriage, and just like so many others, i have apologized to her for that.

But what is the next step? (besides GAL and 180)

Thanks and i look forward to following all your posts!


Me: 41 W: 36
M:9 yrs
Together: 12 yrs
Kids S7 S4
BD: 01/13
W filed 5/13
D final 8/13
Re: went2fast [Re: shouldistillhope] #2380103
08/27/13 07:33 PM
08/27/13 07:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
MrBond Offline
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MrBond  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Well in what ways have you changed? The point is that you have to want to change for yourself and not her. If you do that, then it might make her pause long enough to see that you're not the same person you once were.

How are YOU living?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: went2fast [Re: MrBond] #2380361
08/28/13 03:30 PM
08/28/13 03:30 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
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shouldistillhope Offline OP
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shouldistillhope  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
Well, i guess i would say right now that my life is in a bit of chaos, but i have made some positive changes for myself. Obviously she saw things in me that she thought she couldn't live with any longer and i have addressed those issues but as far as making them for myself, i can't honestly say that i would have done anything different if it weren't for her to take notice.

All these changes we talk about are a direct result of the situations we have been thrust into. If our X's wouldn't have left us would any of us have been making these changes for ourselves? So my question is, are any of us making these changes for anything other than to have our X's take notice?

I know that some of the things i am doing differently are indeed to get her to take notice. They are also, on the other hand, being implemented for anyone else that may come along in the future.

So, for now, these changes she wanted to see all along are definitely being made in the hope that she notices. And whether she does or not, the changes will be permanent. I still want her back, and that is what i am hoping for as a goal.

But I still wonder if i should invite her to lunch, invite her to do things together as a family (something she wanted to do all along as well as going out on dates when we were married) or just sit back and wait. She definitely wanted someone to be there for her and take care of her and i don't feel like i can show her any of that if i just see her on the weekends when we exchange our boys.

If one of her biggest concerns was the fact that she wanted to be taken care of, how do i show her after divorce that i can do that? And how do i reassure her that i am willing to spend the rest of my life making up for the fact that i wasn't always there for her?


Me: 41 W: 36
M:9 yrs
Together: 12 yrs
Kids S7 S4
BD: 01/13
W filed 5/13
D final 8/13
Re: went2fast [Re: shouldistillhope] #2380448
08/28/13 07:20 PM
08/28/13 07:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
First let me say that 7 months from BD to final D is just crazy, your XW pushed it through way too fast. Many states have gone to a 12 month wait before a D can be finalized, I wish they would all do that (it's 60 days here in TX). It takes at least a year for most WAS's to start coming out of the fog, and usually it takes much longer than that.

Originally Posted By: shouldistillhope

All these changes we talk about are a direct result of the situations we have been thrust into. If our X's wouldn't have left us would any of us have been making these changes for ourselves? So my question is, are any of us making these changes for anything other than to have our X's take notice?


I think at first that's our motivation, but at some time (different for each of us) we realize that it's important to make ourselves better people whether our WAS comes back or not.

Quote:
But I still wonder if i should invite her to lunch, invite her to do things together as a family (something she wanted to do all along as well as going out on dates when we were married) or just sit back and wait.


Neither. Don't reach out to her and don't sit around waiting for her. Move on with your own life and leave her to hers. You're on separate paths, maybe they cross again in the future and maybe they don't. But for now you've got to walk your path.

A buddy of mine had a WAS dump him. They didn't speak for a year. Then they started talking again (she reached out to him), then they started meeting for coffee, then dinner, just as friends. 2 years after she left they began being intimate again and have been in an R for about 6 months now. They just started talking about moving back in together. The point being that he did NOTHING to get back together, he moved on and left her alone and that's all it took.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: went2fast [Re: AnotherStander] #2380566
08/29/13 02:18 AM
08/29/13 02:18 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Kansas
K
kat727 Offline
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kat727  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Kansas
Most of the success stories on here have been the same way. Once the left behind spouse feels they have done everything and decide to move on, the walk away spouse then seems to realize that their spouse has now left them.

Maybe they panic, who knows. But it isn't a game, this has really got to be you being done. So don't go looking for that but if it happens, so be it.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Re: went2fast [Re: kat727] #2380636
08/29/13 01:52 PM
08/29/13 01:52 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
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shouldistillhope Offline OP
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shouldistillhope  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
Thanks you guys,

It's as if i already know the answer when i ask the question, but sometimes i just need to be talked down from the ledge. It's nice to have people here that can point me in the direction that i knew i should be headed all along.

I'm not going to lie, it has been getting a bit harder lately. When i have my kids on the weekends they tell me the during the week that XW doesnt really do much with them, or pay much attention to them. It's hard to hear your kids hurting for attention when your not there to give it to them. XW seems to think they are doing just fine and they are adapting without any problems. When i have them on the weekends, S7 tells me that during the week S4 cries cause he misses his dad. It is so hard to know that their hearts are broken. I hate XW right now for that.

They make me laugh and i try my hardest to keep them busy and keep them laughing as well. Last Sunday, S4 asked me how many more days he got to spend with me. I replied "today is Sunday, you are going back with your mom tonight." He said "no way dad, i still have clean underwear left in the suitcase, i can still stay longer!" I will remember that line for the rest of my life. We all laughed, but in the back of my mind i know it's hard on them both as well as myself.

So, i guess it's time to move on. I am not sure where i am going to start exactly, but i know i have to start digging myself out.

I think i am going to start posting a little bit more in the next couple weeks to help clear my head. I am also planning a vacation for next spring by myself. I have always wanted to just throw a tent in the truck and start driving and not come home for a week or two. I am planning on ending up in Moab, UT. At least that is one goal i am hoping to achieve. Being alone might be out of my comfort zone a bit, but i am looking forward to it. It's just relly hard to wait until spring when summer isn't even over yet!!

Thanks everyone for your support.


Me: 41 W: 36
M:9 yrs
Together: 12 yrs
Kids S7 S4
BD: 01/13
W filed 5/13
D final 8/13
Re: went2fast [Re: shouldistillhope] #2385006
09/12/13 11:48 PM
09/12/13 11:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
Texas
S
sweetbabyred Offline
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sweetbabyred  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
Texas
I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. I replied to the questions you'd asked on my thread, but just realized I did so on your old thread in newcomers.

Keep us updated.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Re: went2fast [Re: sweetbabyred] #2389122
09/28/13 08:15 PM
09/28/13 08:15 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
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cat03 Offline
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cat03  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
I vote for occasional invites to dinner or family events and dont' read anything into them. Start slow and see how it goes.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: went2fast [Re: cat03] #2396055
10/21/13 04:47 PM
10/21/13 04:47 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
S
shouldistillhope Offline OP
Member
shouldistillhope  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 138
SD
Hi everyone,

Its been well over a month since i posted last, i sort of took a self imposed break from this for awhile to try and regroup a bit and gain a new perspective on things.

I will try and catch up with what has been going on with everyone else, and also give a bit of an update on my own sitch.

I find each day still challenging, but in different ways. The emotional toll of the last few months is slowly beginnig to get better. I am getting closer each day to purchasing my own house (crossing my fingers)and that is really helping me keep my mind off XW, but presents itself with a new kind of stress. I still have strong urges to reach out and contact XW and invite her to dinner or a movie, but thanks to some well timed advice and my own instinct i haven't done that yet.

The hardest part of all this, is seeing what it is doing to my kids. It is very hard on them, and when it is time for them to go back to XW after having them on weekends, they break down sobbing in front of her telling her they don't want to go back with her and that they want to stay with me. At times i struggle with almost hating her for not trying to work things out, but that was not a decision i was a part of and i can't control her or her choices in life. I am a very nostalgic person and there are times when i am out and i see things that remind me of our past and it slams me in the chest like a lead hammer. But i find myself being able to move past those feelings a lot quicker than i have in the past.

One hard part for me though is the loss of friends. I got pretty close to alot of mutual friends throughout our marriage, and now that i have moved, i don't see them or hear from them and that kind of hurts at times. Everyone kind of moves on with their own lives and i guess this is part of life for me for right now.

I have been fortunate enough to have met some new friends and even started dating a woman this past summer. We dated a few times and then realized that we were just better off being friends. As it turns out, she has become a very close friend to me and it is amazing just having someone there who listens when i need her and i try to use my new skills when she needs someone to talk to as well. We text or talk every day, and it is so different having someone who just wants to be there for me as a friend.

I have a date at the end of this week with a woman who i met on an online dating site and i am a bit nervous as to whether or not i am ready for this. I am just going to put my faith in God and see where he leads me on this one. At times i feel like i would like to have my family back together, but right now if XW isn't ready to put forth the effort i don't feel like i can wait for her to come around. All part of moving on i guess.

Getting a life has been a bit more difficult since there seems to always be more bills to pay and i have been putting in 11 to 12 hour days plus half days on Saturdays. Then i go get my kids and spend the rest of Saturday and Sunday with them. Just don't seem to get out as much as i would like, but for right now that is my life. Hopefully as things move forward, that will change as well.

Well, i hope everyone can keep putting one foot in front of the other and find a reason to smile every day.

Best of luck to all of you.


Me: 41 W: 36
M:9 yrs
Together: 12 yrs
Kids S7 S4
BD: 01/13
W filed 5/13
D final 8/13
Re: went2fast [Re: shouldistillhope] #2396254
10/22/13 03:19 AM
10/22/13 03:19 AM
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 802
CO
G
Golfgirl1 Offline
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Golfgirl1  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2009
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Just a thought...you're dating because? If you're still thinking about your XW, in my opinion you should not be dating. Take some time to find yourself again and rebuild your life alone. You must be a successful 'me' before you can be a successful 'we.'
If you haven't worked through the issues, or figured out your piece in them, you will attract a person in the same emotional state. This won't work out so well in the long run.

Take your time, enjoy your kids, and have some fun before entering a new relationship!


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
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