In response to a couple of things. I really wasn't beating myself up, it was a good evening. I actually slept well for a change. As for the hug, it wasn't expected, I am just making a note of it.
I am starting to see the pattern. We have a good evening, I get upset as he's leaving, he runs away, I get more upset, the fight is on and we back track.
I noted no hug as this is where I am usually upset, but I wasn't. I simply wished him a good night and locked the door behind him. According to our pattern, I should be calling him upset and angry that he won't just come home and it comes through in everything I say and do, even if I don't say the actual words.
After the last round, I am trying something different.
He texted later last night to say he had a nice time. I told him it was nice to have him over and left it at that.
Only because we went to boot camp a few times before you did...
Glad you got positive feedback. Now you have some good notes for your solutions journal. Sit back and be patient.
BTW, the more you practice patience, the easier it gets. It's just hard when you're in the middle of changes that don't come naturally. Give it time. Timing is every bit as important as the actual execution of the change. Slow and steady wins the race.
You can do it.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well another weekend done. H came over on Saturday, helped me with some computer issues, we had coffee and discussed nothing heavier than the weather.
H was going to come by today, as we are swapping vehicles. Something came up, so I had to cancel. He texted me a couple of times and I called him to ask about his day. He had a good day, and so did I. Last year our computer as well as our backup died. We lost years worth of pictures, family, trips, pets, everything. Today I found a collection of discs that had hundreds of pics. I spent the afternoon seeing my D's birthdays, Christmases, several pets that are now gone, and yes, a lot of family photos.
I have so many beautiful memories, and they made me happy, even though they made me cry too. I'm just so happy to have even a portion of my lost pictures back.
H is coming by tomorrow to trade vehicles, I offered to show him what I found, I am not sure if he will or not, but that's ok...I feel a little more connected to my past, which is going to help ground me in the here and now, and that can only help me move into my future.
Oh..and I am down over 20lbs...nice to see my waistline again
When I was separated, my now D19 pulled out our old wedding video. Naturally, it made me cry. I wound up telling him about all the wonderful people who attended and just commented how happy it made me. It was not received well - he felt it was another attempt at wrangling guilt. I can't remember how long that one took me to overcome (see setbacks, earlier).
You'll have to get much further in the healing process to make any heartfelt comments to him. Until you know you're actually at that point, you're not there yet.
It's Monday, so I'll just say stick to the course and go you!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well he knows where they are. I won't bring it up again. Not sure when I will next see him as work is keeping me busy. But he is going to spend the evening with our D.
I definitely see a change in how I am responding to my H.
I have also been in contact with our counselor, who knows us better than anyone. He says, sometimes you need to step back, and sometimes you need to shake things up....it's all in the timing....and if not done right an go drastically wrong.
Using his suggestion, when H came over on Monday, we talked about minor things, I didn't bring up the photos, but I know he looked through them as my laptop was on.
At the endi asked him how he was doing, he said he was good, he asked me how I was, I said, good days, bad days, but I miss you. He said, I miss you too, but this separation had to happen. I agreed with him (which by the look n his face surprised him). He gave me a big hug, a real warm hug when he left.
He called me on the way back to where he is staying to "return my call" I hadn't called, but thanked him for it anyways. He said he enjoyed spending time with us, I told him we did as well and good night
This morning he called me to let me know he had forgotten his phone at home, just in case I tried to get ahold of him, "not that you would text me or anything". That comment sounded like he was a bit put out that I hadn't called him.
I am getting to the point where I don't cry every time I get off the phone, or plan my life around when he may come by. He is supposed to come by after work today to take our D out. I work late. I don't plan on being here, and when I am off, I am going to the library...I have homework to do.
Betsey