Taking A Stand; What's my Position?

[Mimi00]

Find my old thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...118#Post2376118


What am I taking a stand on? My marriage, my life.
What’s my position? I still want my H and would like for my marriage to work. In order for this to happen, I need to gain respect back from my husband and show him something different. I am also prepared for the fact that no matter what I do, my H may not come back. So that’s why I am taking a stand on my life as well. Am I a person that I respect? I need to live in a way that I am as well. I need to do something different so that I can be successful at life period. In taking a stand on my marriage, I am handing that stress & worry over to God. All I can control is what I do, and what I do may happen to spill over and affect my marriage for the better. All I know is, I have to live life and see what happens.


The issues in our marriage: Him building friendships w/ other women, him not initiating sex in over a year, him working extra hours b/c home makes him feel “unloved“ & “unhappy”, my not being his cheerleader the way he wanted, my not wanting to try new things with him, my shutting down/going silent during arguments, his walking out during arguments….

A few our issues were simply b/c of not knowing how to speak each others love language, most of the others were were surface issues that I believe the root of was this:

Respect began to lack.
Who wants to be with/around some one they don’t respect?

I knew my respect for him had gone down a bit (he hid certain “bad habits” from me, knowing my beliefs on them, until after marriage, when I found out about his them unfortunately my respect for him did go dow; #1 because he lied, #2 because I was largely attracted to his confidence and now I know that he actually wasn’t confident enough to be himself and be accepted for who he was totally, #3 because the habits just aren’t appealing to me in general and caused me to admire him less though I still loved him.) Because of my respect for him went down a bit, I began to have points where I wanted to give up on our marriage, but I ended up pushed through them b/c one day I woke up and realized that in spite of the various hurts and issues we had (his habits just one of several), I was blessed to have someone by my side who supported me in all ways. I had just come to this realization, began working on ways I could be better instead of focusing on what H isn‘t doing, and choosing to look at the positives of our marriage instead of the negatives.....when my H then announced he was “unhappy”.

What I didn’t realize until recently (and I wonder if H even realizes?), his respect for me has probably went down the drain as well. (IMO, We’re all so focused on the surface issues, I don’t think most times that either spouse realizes the loss of respect at the core. When respect gets to the point where it is so low, that’s what allows the spouse to walk away…

Reasons my H has most likely lost respect for me:
- Spiritually stagnant. After marriage I stopped being as outwardly spiritual as I was before marriage. My spirituality was what inspired him to be more spiritual (though I wanted him to want it for himself and be motivated to do on his own). But after marriage for some strange reason, we couldn’t agree on a church we both liked. So that went down him outwardly, though I continued to pray etc… privately.

- My lacking emotional regulation. When I’m hurt by H, I cry, sometimes it would be out of control and I would say ridiculous things, that have root in my childhood, that probably gave him them idea that I had low self worth or hurts he can't deal with. When normally what he’d see was confidence and independence from me.

- My talking to much! H was the first person in my life that I was able to be an open book with. I didn’t realize until now, that everything that comes to mind/heart shouldn’t be spoken out loud. When I was down about our marriage, I’d tell him, when I was down about personal struggles (finding my purpose in life, career frustrations), I’d tell him. (Now I now I should journal & pray about most of these things instead . The things that I do choose to speak out loud should be said carefully, at the right time and when spouse is in a good mood.) I also see I would talk about negatives, but I didn’t tell him when he didn’t something right, or when I was feeling good about our marriage (which was most of the time). I need to learn to speak positives more.

- My being fearful of new friends/trying new things. Growing up my family didn’t go on vacations, though we had the means to. My parents were so focused on working hard we didn’t enjoy life. I’ve carried this into adulthood, I do what I’m used to and don’t go outside that box, I’m fearful of trying new things a lot of times so I’d just say no to H when he’d want me to do things. He also said he felt “pressure” being my closest friend who I told my problems to. In my experience most friends take and don’t give and are hurtful a lot of times.

- My lack of direction w/ my career/future. When we were dating I was in grad school, he admired that (he wasn't able to finish his 4-year b/c of hardships)I got my degree to teach K-12 and didn't follow through out of fear I wouldn't do well at it and it's not my complete passion. What I did end up doing was working in a teen homeless shelter, which I love as well, but I don't make much money. So I became frustrated w/ figuring out what's my purpose/passion what career path to take in general. H tried to "fix" and make me happy in spite of my frustrations over my career failings but felt like he failed when this issue kept popping up. What he didn't understand is that I wasn't looking to him or our marriage to make me happier, I wasn't even unhappy, just frustrated w/ myself, nothing to do with him. But he took it personally for some reason and that became too much for him.

Things I’ve already done to get my respect back (for myself & H):
- Not chasing/perusing H
- Online counseling, learned about emotional regulation and properly communicating (When H visited to BD he kept saying how well I was handling things. Have not yet broken down/cried in front of him, or shown him anger, be able to reel my self in. I know my behavior has be the exact opposite of how H thought I would be, as he thought my reaction after his BD would “not be pretty”)
- Speaking positively when we do talk

Things I still need to do to get my respect back (for myself & H):
- Exude confidence (but really have it on the inside as well)
- Try new things & meet more new people
- Find a church home I enjoy and re-build my spiritual relationship w/ God
- Narrow down what a want to do career wise and stick with it!

So that's my stand, why I am taking the position I am taking and how I plan to go about it

[Mimi00]

Short update on my apartment sitch for those from my other thread that are interested:

I was in hotel 3 days. On day 3, while on his way to White water raft for the first time, H calls, I assume to tell me he’s got the pay check stub I need.

No, he called to ask me to fill out a phone insurance claim b/c he dropped his phone while on a mountain hike the day before.

His phone still calls and text fine, but apparently it’s an emergency........ The phone insurance is in my name so I need to fill it out and send in my ID.

While talking about his phone, I ask if he got a check stub.
He says “o yeah, I’ll do that now”, he forgot?!?

He sends over a document that shows his pay but has no name or job name on it! I’m annoyed, but decide to take matters into my own hands and photoshop the required info on to the document he sent (judge me lol) and submit it.

Mean while, H continuously calls me about my filling out the document he needs for his phone. I’m annoyed again, but I show him grace and I go ahead and do it give him the opposite of his own behavior.

The apartment accepted my fixed document, but now wants to email H the lease and he must sign first before I’m allowed to show up. H’s phone issue is over now, so he’s really not in the mood to help me anymore, so he tells me I can sign on his behalf.

So I ask, “are you going to give me the password to your email?”. I thought he’d say no, but he actually gave it to me.
I snooped of course while in there, didn’t think I’d see anything b/c he’s always been a master deleter, but I did see that he forward an email I sent him to HIS SISTER!!!!

He changed the title of my email to “This is not going to be pretty”.

I’m hurt by the fact he shared my personal thoughts w/ his sister, that particular email wasn’t anything serious (the email was send in April, I asked him to keep is heart open to me, allow me to visit "wonderland" and be open to a vacation when he came to visit me in July), but if he shared that I’m sure he shared the more personal ones. I would never embarrass him in that way.

But it made me happy to know that he thought my behavior was “not going to be pretty” when he finally BD'd, and b/c of DB and other books, I have been the exact opposite (since April when he initially said maybe we shouldn’t be together, in July when he officially BD, all the way until now) I have shown him nothing but pretty.

This gave me motivation to continue to show him “pretty”, beautiful, control, humble, and better than ever!

H has his brand new phone in hand w/in 24 hrs of dropping it. All is well in his world.

I was able to move in yesterday. I start work tonight.

One thing that was interesting. After he gave me the password to his email, I text'd him back after I checked it:

Me: They haven't sent it over yet. Hope they send it by tomorrow; the dog is over this hotel/car living. You shouldn't hear anything else from me though Thanks again...for everything.

H: No problem. Thank you! You can contact me anytime.

I wonder what he means by this contact me anytime? Any opinions on this?
Does he maybe like feeling needed?
Does he possibly want to talk to me more?
Or am I just reading way too much into it?

I haven't contacted him since then. My plans were to go dark for the next 2 weeks and see what happens. But then advice from a co-work of mine, who is an older, pretty wise man, rings in my head. He knows a little about my sitch so he asked me if I had spoke to H recently, I told him a little, he said "good, I hope you two keep talking".

So I'm on the fence on if I should go dark or some how figure out a way to contact him every once in a while, as going dark will probably seem like "more of the same" but I also don't want to seem like I am pursuing. Any ideas on how to walk this line?

[MrCAS]

I wonder what he means by this contact me anytime? Any opinions on this?
Any thought into this would be mind reading. My crystal ball just sh!t the bed so we are going to need someone elses...

Does he maybe like feeling needed?
Doesn't everybody?

Does he possibly want to talk to me more?
More mind reading I am thinking...

Or am I just reading way too much into it?
Could be, silly rabbit!

[SM34]

My man's opinion is, DONT contact him. Let him miss you! I bet my money he will contact you at some point.

Im still a firm believer that men, or more accurately husbands, are much more loyal than women think. He WILL miss you. He WILL want 'that old thing back' at some point.

Your challenge is to increase your worth and be more valuable than the women he will meet now that he thinks he has rid himself of the ball and chain (you)....how do you do that? By not contacting him!

It will drive him crazy thinking about how he let the confident one slip through his fingers!

And it will give you the decision of any reconcilliation, and also the upper hand in any second marriage to your H.

Stick with the plan and dont flake. You can do it!

[Mimi00]

I wonder what he means by this contact me anytime? Any opinions on this?
Any thought into this would be mind reading. My crystal ball just sh!t the bed so we are going to need someone elses...

Does he maybe like feeling needed?
Doesn't everybody?

Does he possibly want to talk to me more?
More mind reading I am thinking...

Or am I just reading way too much into it?
Could be, silly rabbit!

lol

I guess I'm asking b/c he has a history of wanting me (and others) to mind read, instead of just saying what he wants outright.

I probably should've asked more simply: Should I look at my sitch uniquely in this case, go against DB and take his saying "contact me anytime" seriously and act on it every once in a while, or just leave it at he was probably just being "friendly"?

Why I'm wondering: when he was here in July, he brought up that he didn't realize I had stopped calling and texting him (when I began LRT for 2 months) until a few weeks had passed. He said he didn't realize it b/c even when dating while living long distance, I was never one to call and text a lot (I made him pursue me). That is true. After we married and started living together, calls and texts were basically non-existant between us unless it was "pick this up from the store" etc... when he began his travel job, I would send texts of myself every once in a while, but I'd mainly leave phone calls up to him b/c of his long work hours. Not realizing I should've taken advantage of texting how much I missed him, how I was proud of him, etc.. even while he was at work to make him feel good.

With doing DB/Sandi's Rules, I have had no issues at all with not calling or texting him b/c it was never my thing in the first place, but his phone & texting is a "thing" for him.

He's obsessed w/ his phone, he sends out about 3,000+ texts a month, the one time I did see inside his facebook account(last year,long before BD, it was open already on the screen) I saw he was messaging people left and right trying to start conversations: "hi" "how are you?" "whats up". I assume he longs for conversation, it fills some kind of void for him or something? These conversations are big way for him to connect w/ others and I hadn't been a part of at all in our marriage.

I guess this is the final piece I need to figure out. To know how to move forward in my "stand". I have no problem going dark at all, that would be easy, my M.O. is to pull away, that's nothing new. So I don't think no contact is the best answer in my sitch.

Geez I type too much. I'm going to try to cut down my post lengths lol

[Mimi00]

My man's opinion is, DONT contact him. Let him miss you! I bet my money he will contact you at some point.

Im still a firm believer that men, or more accurately husbands, are much more loyal than women think. He WILL miss you. He WILL want 'that old thing back' at some point.

Your challenge is to increase your worth and be more valuable than the women he will meet now that he thinks he has rid himself of the ball and chain (you)....how do you do that? By not contacting him!

It will drive him crazy thinking about how he let the confident one slip through his fingers!

And it will give you the decision of any reconcilliation, and also the upper hand in any second marriage to your H.

Stick with the plan and dont flake. You can do it!

Hi SM34, thanks for your response!

It brings to mind this quote "The person who needs the other the least will always be in control of the relationship".

Sounds harsh, but is in many ways it's true. So I definitely do want to stick to my plan and not flake as you said. It's just that one last issue that has me wondering what's the right move to make? I'm leaning towards continuing no (or very litte) contact...

I will definitely take what you said into consideration as I think on it. I'm open!

[SM34]

Let me let you in on a little secret if I may...

He didnt realize you werent texting him.... Thats Bull$h!t. He was perfectly aware....and, he was CRAVING your attention! Thats why he brought that up.

That is a mans way of saying 'hey, should message me more' without showing neediness. Men crave being 'needed', especially a man who fires out hundreds of 'whats up?' messages to random friends.

Which makes it even more important that you dont contact him first. If he is that needy, and needs constant reassurance of how relevant he is to other people (which is why he needs to touch base with people constantly) then he WILL buckle, and contact you.

When you get a message from him, and you will, I suggest you use it an opportunity to show a 180. In your case, you would be well served to encourage him and stroke his ego on whatever he tells you is going in in his life.. Men NEED that. And if he is not getting this somewhere else, he will subconcsiously begin to crave it from you.

Just dont contact him yourself so you can stroke his ego. He must be the one to contact you, otherwise you will be needy and too available and unattractive.

So....

H: hey wife, how is it going?
You: not much, how is life treating you?
H: good! Just got out of work, got a raise/finished a project/nailed my assignment etc...
you: well, you have always been the smart one/good at that/dedicated etc...

Positive reassurance is very powerful for guys. And a woman who learns to give a man respect can get anything she wants!

[willbwell]

I need to do the same sm34

[JuneReN]

" a woman who learns to give a man respect can get anything she wants"

I don't even know where to go with this one.

Ya....sigh.

Respect is accorded because the behaviour is respectful in some way. We respect in different ways all the time. We respect knowledge, manners, actions, feelings. But what each person respects is not the same as a requirement.

We can ask someone to respect our choices, while understanding that they may feel differently. We can respect some things in a person, but not others, while the other person needs respect of the things we take for granted as simply human behaviour.

That being said, and probably not understood very well lol!, respect begins with self. If you are not respecting all aspects of who you are, you cannot respect anyone else. Fear, jealousy, sense of entitlement, but admiration and respect can't be afforded to another person, if you don't know what it feels like.

Sandi also says "Do what works." If texting has worked, do it, keep a journal, check interactions. Don't simply go NC because that is what is says to do.

[SM34]

Perhaps respect was a bad choice of words....but men definitely enjoy having their ego stroked.

Ive been thinking about your situation and im wondering if NC is more of the same for you.

Anyone else feel that?

I mean if you never really gave him a lot of attention while he was away, and that is one of the main reasons he is pulling away, then keeping quiet may just seal it in his mind.

Tough one. Anyone else have any ideas?